Lykan
05-12-02, 12:39 PM
At one time i collected fart stories from people i know, and fart jokes too. Here's some of them, i'll share more when i get back in a week.
Mother to her child: "Mind your shorts, honey -- farts don't come cheap."
"Once when visiting a sick friend in the hospital I got on an elevator. Earlier I had ate some greasy food in the cafeteria. My stomach was a mess but I tried to hold it in. There were a few people on the elevator. I got off on the 4th floor and just as I walked out, I laid a huge fart. I heard someone coughing. It was funny because as the doors closed it trapped the fart inside."
"My younger brother was sitting in front of the TV playing Nintendo one hot summer day when my friend Gino stopped by. Gino can be hilarious but he can also be kind of a jerk. Gino, like any normal man, decides it would be really funny to grab my brother's head and fart on it. My brother didn't think it was so funny. Gino didn't get the response he was after so this time, he dropped his shorts and tried to give my brother a bare-assed face fart. I was sitting behind the two of them on the couch and I will never for get what I saw next. At light speed, midway through the fart, a little football-shaped turdlet escaped and landed on my brother's bare foot. It took the three of us half an hour to regain our collective breath. I'm sitting here laughing as I type. Go Gino!"
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.
Confucius say, "Man who fart in church sit in own pew."
A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first.
"No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second.
"No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again.
At this the nurse pops her head through the door, saying, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B,"
The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says, "Madam, I doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool."
A gentleman walked into a diner and says to the waitress, "I'll have a set of headlights and four hubcaps."
This confused the waitress, but she wrote it down and went to check with the cook.
The cook replies, "That is just old short-order slang. What he wants is two eggs overeasy and a stack of four pancakes."
The waitress says, "I'll fix him!" and serves him a bowl of beans.
"Hey, this ain't what I ordered," he bellows.
"Well, I thought while you were waiting for spare parts, you might want to gas up."
A nervous young man, keen to impress, is visiting his future in laws for the very first time.
After a huge Sunday Lunch they are all relaxing in the lounge when the young man lets off a real ripsnorter. The father gets up and shouts at the dog, "Get out Rex, get out!"
"Phew," thinks the young man, "They thought it was the dog,"
Next time he doesn't even try to hold it in and again the father shouts at the dog, "Rex, out! Out!"
The third time the young man had grown in confidence and releases a huge rumbling air biscuit at which the father jumps up and shouts, "Get out Rex, quick! Before he shits all over you!"
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This one was a real blue ribbon winner -- the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
One day a man and his wife where in bed naked after having sex and the man turned to his wife and said, "Do you want to play a game of football?" The wife says, "How would we play we don't have a football?" The man says "Well, when you FART you get a touchdown and a fieldgoal." The wife says OK so she lets a big one go and says, "7 points." The man farts 2 times and says, "14 points." The wife ties the game. This goes on for about 20 minutes and the score is 28 to 35 with the wife winning. So the man strains real hard for about 10 seconds and lets a really wet one go and craps all over his side of the bed. The wife does not know that he did this, so she says, "What now?" He smiles and says, "It's half-time -- we switch sides."
One day 2 men were sitting in an bar and one man says, "Let's play football." The other man says, "How? We don't have a football." The first man says, "If you fart you get a fieldgoal, if you burp you get a touchdown." So they start to play, and the first guy burps and farts to get 7 points, the second guy then gets the same. The second guy says, "You're pretty good at this." The first guy burps and gets his touchdown, and is trying to fart for the fieldgoal, but the other man quickly sticks his dick up the first man's butt and says, "I blocked it."
Mother to her child: "Mind your shorts, honey -- farts don't come cheap."
"Once when visiting a sick friend in the hospital I got on an elevator. Earlier I had ate some greasy food in the cafeteria. My stomach was a mess but I tried to hold it in. There were a few people on the elevator. I got off on the 4th floor and just as I walked out, I laid a huge fart. I heard someone coughing. It was funny because as the doors closed it trapped the fart inside."
"My younger brother was sitting in front of the TV playing Nintendo one hot summer day when my friend Gino stopped by. Gino can be hilarious but he can also be kind of a jerk. Gino, like any normal man, decides it would be really funny to grab my brother's head and fart on it. My brother didn't think it was so funny. Gino didn't get the response he was after so this time, he dropped his shorts and tried to give my brother a bare-assed face fart. I was sitting behind the two of them on the couch and I will never for get what I saw next. At light speed, midway through the fart, a little football-shaped turdlet escaped and landed on my brother's bare foot. It took the three of us half an hour to regain our collective breath. I'm sitting here laughing as I type. Go Gino!"
How can you tell if a woman is wearing pantyhose? If she farts, her ankles swell.
Confucius say, "Man who fart in church sit in own pew."
A midwife is walking past the hospital staffroom, when she hears two African doctors talking, "I'm telling you it's wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first.
"No. It's woombaa: W-O-O-M-B-A-A," says the second.
"No, no, no. Wumba: W-U-M-B-A," says the first again.
At this the nurse pops her head through the door, saying, "I think you'll find, gentlemen, it's WOMB: W-O-M-B,"
The two doctors look blankly at her, until one of them says, "Madam, I doubt if you've ever even SEEN a water buffalo, let alone heard one fart in a mudpool."
A gentleman walked into a diner and says to the waitress, "I'll have a set of headlights and four hubcaps."
This confused the waitress, but she wrote it down and went to check with the cook.
The cook replies, "That is just old short-order slang. What he wants is two eggs overeasy and a stack of four pancakes."
The waitress says, "I'll fix him!" and serves him a bowl of beans.
"Hey, this ain't what I ordered," he bellows.
"Well, I thought while you were waiting for spare parts, you might want to gas up."
A nervous young man, keen to impress, is visiting his future in laws for the very first time.
After a huge Sunday Lunch they are all relaxing in the lounge when the young man lets off a real ripsnorter. The father gets up and shouts at the dog, "Get out Rex, get out!"
"Phew," thinks the young man, "They thought it was the dog,"
Next time he doesn't even try to hold it in and again the father shouts at the dog, "Rex, out! Out!"
The third time the young man had grown in confidence and releases a huge rumbling air biscuit at which the father jumps up and shouts, "Get out Rex, quick! Before he shits all over you!"
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively effect on him.
One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.
His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but also ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP !!! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This one was a real blue ribbon winner -- the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!!!"
To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
One day a man and his wife where in bed naked after having sex and the man turned to his wife and said, "Do you want to play a game of football?" The wife says, "How would we play we don't have a football?" The man says "Well, when you FART you get a touchdown and a fieldgoal." The wife says OK so she lets a big one go and says, "7 points." The man farts 2 times and says, "14 points." The wife ties the game. This goes on for about 20 minutes and the score is 28 to 35 with the wife winning. So the man strains real hard for about 10 seconds and lets a really wet one go and craps all over his side of the bed. The wife does not know that he did this, so she says, "What now?" He smiles and says, "It's half-time -- we switch sides."
One day 2 men were sitting in an bar and one man says, "Let's play football." The other man says, "How? We don't have a football." The first man says, "If you fart you get a fieldgoal, if you burp you get a touchdown." So they start to play, and the first guy burps and farts to get 7 points, the second guy then gets the same. The second guy says, "You're pretty good at this." The first guy burps and gets his touchdown, and is trying to fart for the fieldgoal, but the other man quickly sticks his dick up the first man's butt and says, "I blocked it."