A Few Zen Thoughts For Those Who Take Life Too Seriously:

* Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
* A day without sunshine is like, night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Remember, half the people you know are below average.
* He who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
* Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!
* Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
* I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.

Humour is the sun that drives sadness from the human face...

* shine bright, but not to blind yourself and dim the others

check these videos out in this thread.
http://sciforums.com/showthread.php?t=63566

Each year the Washington Post's Style Invitational asks readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
only one letter and supply a new definition. Here are the 2002 winners:


Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Giraffiti: Vandalism painted very, very high.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit).

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Glibido: All talk and no action.

Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

And, the winner of the Washington Post's Style Invitational:

Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? A cemetery just raised its funeral prices. And blamed it on the cost of living. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. You can't have everything. Where would you put it? A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Ambiguity - For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and
ambiguity

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

4. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys
and apes?

5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the
bad girls live.

6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,"Where's the self-help
section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

7. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

8. If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

9. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is
it considered a hostage situation?

10. Is there another word for synonym

11. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

12. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an
endangered plant?

13. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

14. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

15. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will
clean them?

16. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

17. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

18. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?

19. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
(Somebody explain THIS ONE there's a logical explanation somewhere)

20. How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road
signs?

21. What was the best thing before sliced bread?

22. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

23. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

24. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

25. How is it possible to have a civil war? @#&%$!!!# ?

26. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

27. If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

28. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

29. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

30. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

31. Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

32. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

33. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become
disoriented?

Laughter is the sun that drives winter from the human face.

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. Ever.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.
Chuck Norris has counted to infinity. Twice.
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris doesn’t wash his clothes, he disembowels them.
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a f***ing Indian.
In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone else has ever gotten.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over thePacific Ocean.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the f*** down.
Chuck Norris is ten feet tall, weighs two-tons, breathes fire, and could eat a hammer and take a shotgun blast standing.
The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds 'till." After you ask, "Two seconds 'til what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.
Chuck Norris drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse-kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Chuck Norris will attain statehood in 2009. His state flower will be the Magnolia.
Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.
Chuck Norris originally appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
The opening scene of the movie "Saving Private Ryan" is loosely based on games of dodge ball Chuck Norris played in second grade.
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!"
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.
Chuck Norris has two speeds: Walk and Kill.
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
Contrary to popular belief, America is not a democracy, it is a Chucktatorship.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris is the only human being to display the Heisenberg uncertainty principle -- you can never know both exactly where and how quickly he will roundhouse-kick you in the face.
Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in forty-seven seconds.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb.
If you say Chuck Norris' name in Mongolia, the people there will roundhouse kick you in his honor. Their kick will be followed by the REAL roundhouse delivered by none other than Norris himself.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris discovered a new theory of relativity involving multiple universes in which Chuck Norris is even more badass than in this one. When it was discovered by Albert Einstein and made public, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked him in the face. We know Albert Einstein today as Stephen Hawking.
The Chuck Norris military unit was not used in the game Civilization 4, because a single Chuck Norris could defeat the entire combined nations of the world in one turn.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.
There are no weapons of mass destruction. Just Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong in a "Who has more testicles?" contest. Chuck Norris won by 5.
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
Chuck Norris sheds his skin twice a year.
When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn’t get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.
Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.
A Chuck Norris-delivered Roundhouse Kick is the preferred method of execution in 16 states.
When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris's urine was the main ingredient for balco's designer steroids. Therefore, Chuck Norris is actually the all-time single-season home run king.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.
Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be "Norrisized".
Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.
If tapped, a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick could power the country of Australia for 44 minutes.
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It's called Chuck-Will-Kill.
When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.
While urinating, Chuck Norris is easily capable of welding titanium.
Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the war of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.
When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."
Contrary to popular belief, there is indeed enough Chuck Norris to go around.
Chuck Norris doesn’t shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.
For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.
When taking the SAT, write "Chuck Norris" for every answer. You will score a 1600.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to 1. One roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris doesn't throw up if he drinks too much. Chuck Norris throws down!
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris Roundhouse kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job". That is the story of the universe.
Chuck Norris has 12 moons. One of those moons is the Earth.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris"
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
If you Google search "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.
Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.
The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. there were no survivors and the pilot episode tape has been burned.
Chuck Norris brings the noise AND the funk.
You know how they say if you die in your dream then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death then Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother’s womb.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."

come on, more like 99.8 %

"99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name."

come on, more like 99.8 %

99 percent of morons give the rest a bad name.

99 percent of morons give the rest a bad name.

More like 99.8%

Please don't sue me NDS . What's that stand for anyways??

After every flight, pilots complete a gripe sheet which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The form is a piece of paper that the pilot completes, and then the mechanics read and correct the problem. They then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems, as submitted by QANTAS pilots, and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

P = The problem logged by the pilot.
S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S: Autoland not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 fpm descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with words.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

Always remember, Wherever you go, there you are.

Out of all my friends in this whole wide world, you , are one of them.

Please don't sue me NDS . What's that stand for anyways??

My initials. I sent the subpoena USPS priority mail so you should be getting it any day now. :D

The early bird gets the worm, but the late mouse gets the cheese.

my god carries a hammer, your god died nailed to a tree. any questions?

I have no problem with God. It's his fan club I can't stand.

I have no problem with God. It's his fan club I can't stand.

LOL :-)

Funny Quotes:


"Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really *are* after you."
-Anon

"People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do."
-Anon

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall down an open manhole cover and die."
-Mel Brooks

"The worst thing about censorship is [deleted by censorship bereau]."
-Anon

"Trust in God, but lock your car."
-Anon

"Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism."
-Anon

"Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce."
-Anon

"Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time."
-Anon

"Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him."
-Anon

"Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?"
-Anon

"The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train."
-Anon

"Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain."
-Anon

"Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder."
-Anon

"Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense."
-Anon

"If at first you don't succeed...forget skydiving."
-Anon

"Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off."
-Anon

"Money is the root of all wealth."
-Anon

"Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?"
-Anon

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried."
-Anon

"There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't."
-Anon

"Being superstitious brings bad luck."
-Anon

"Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand wrong answers."
-Anon

"When in doubt, give advice."
-Anon

"Join the army, meet interesting people, and kill them."
-Anon

"Atheists have no invisible means of support."
-Anon

"To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism, to steal ideas from many is research."
-Anon

man, that cracked me up, kudos Lote-Tree!

man, that cracked me up, kudos Lote-Tree!

Ah good! Laughter is the Sun that drives winter from the human face :-)

I'll drive the nose from your face if you repeat that phrase or variations thereof once more. Either post more jokes or shut up.

I'll drive the nose from your face if you repeat that phrase or variations thereof once more. Either post more jokes or shut up.

LOL :-)

You are free to post some here too :-)

But here is one for you :-)
-----------------------------------------

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark".

Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being. Anything you want. After all, you're the guv" .. But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch."

This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20
decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you
to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah

"Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp -
wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this
right, you want a New Ark?"

"Check".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Check".

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to
the end of his tether..........................
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > >
> > > > (scroll down everyone ! It's the best ever !!!!)
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > keep going - it's worth waiting for........)
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > "Dunno", says God,
> > > > "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark".

More funny quotes:
----------------------

Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas."
-Keppel Enderbery

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have is
that I didn't study my Latin harder in school so I could converse with
those people."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind is being
very wasteful. How true that is."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago. . ."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
-Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they
go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the
next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
- Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
-Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or
another"
- George Bush, US President

I have opinions of my own, strong opinions but I don't always agree with
them."
-George Bush, US President

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?"
-Lee Iacocca

"The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like
Norman Einstein."
-Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback and sports analyst

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of
people."
- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

"We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur."
- Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever,
because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever,
but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever."
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I
can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with
all those flies and death and stuff."
- Mariah Carey

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed
to pay his taxes.
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life."
- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a
federal antismoking campaign

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
-Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in
the country."
- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them.
There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves."
- John Wayne

Whenever I read quotes like these I do wonder how many are intended witticisms that are either accidentally or deliberately misconstrued (perhaps for the purpose of building lists like this one):

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." - Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

"It's no exaggeration to say that the undecided could go one way or another" - George Bush, US President

I have opinions of my own, strong opinions but I don't always agree with
them." -George Bush, US President

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - Former US Vice President Dan Quayle
Yes, we know that Bush and Quayle are stoopid but are they really that stoopid? Don't all shout at once. I think quotes like the above are in a different class of stupid altogether from, eg, Mariah Carey's:

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." - Mariah Carey
Dumb as a rock. And then there are the ones which aren't really stupid at all, just malicious and very knowing political propaganda:

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" - Lee Iacocca

"I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves." - John Wayne

I saw this quote:

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
- Former US Vice President Dan Quayle

and thought that maybe it isn't such a dumb remark. After all, people have to be told that the scalding hot coffee they just pumped from the thermos at McDonald's, the one that's emitting steaming vapors so hot that Satan is blowing on his coffee to cool it down, could burn you.

I had seen a list of stupid quotes attributed to Al Gore, including his notorious "I created the internet" remark (which was followed by Quayle's "Yeah, sure, and I invented spellchecker."). I was hoping to catch my right-wing friends in the same sort of mudslinging they were accusing my left-wing friends of, but was surprised to find out how many of them were not taken out of context. Still, about half were intentionally clipped from longer, more detailed sound bites that affected the whole tone and meaning. I wish I still had the list. It used to be on KSFO's website.

I wish I could remember who it was who was running against Truman or FDR. He was doing well and was told by a reporter that he had the vote of every thinking American in the country. He must not have known the mic was live, because he replied to the tune of "That's great. Unfortunately, I need a majority."

Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward

I like Florida. Everything is in the 80's. The temperatures, the ages and the IQ's.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they're cramming for their final exam.

You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit

"She's either Puerto Rican, or the same thing as Cuban, I mean they are all very hot. They have the, you know, part of the black blood in them and part of the Latino blood in them that together makes it." --California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger, on California Assemblywoman Bonnie Garcia, the lone Latina Republican in the Legislature

"The draft is white people sending black people to fight yellow people to protect the country they stole from red people."
James Rado.

"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity is this: If Gladstone fell into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him out again, that would be a calamity."
Benjamin Disraeli.

The quotes are kind of questionable... many have been attributed to several different people. Most have no verifiable source. And several are verifiably false!

Anyway... here's one that might or might not have been said by Barbara Bush:
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."