As the as-yet-unchallenged champion of KOAN BATTLE! I shall set the terms of the first challenge. During the one-day time period each poster may submit a single koan on a topic chosen by the previous champion. (In this case, me.)

Points will be given by the judges for the following categories:

0-10 points for Originality
No one wants to hear about the moon over and over and over again. Originality is a score of how new and creative the writer's material is.

0-10 points for Correctness and Quality of Writing
Spelling and grammar are valuable tools in expression of one's thoughts.
A clean and understandable composition helps in this category.

0-10 points for Impenetrability
Koans should not have easy answers. If the meaning of the koan is readily available for all to see, it will score poorly on Impenetrability.

0-10 points for Personal Expression
This is the category for the judges to rate their personal preference. Each koan writer may state a theme or intent in advance for their koan; this will help the judges to understand what the writer is trying to say.

ANY MAY POST!

ANY MAY JUDGE!

Today's theme is:

(Gongggggg)

SECULAR MORALITY!

The contestants have one day!

BEGIN!

Theme: Whispers of Impecuniosity

Siu Bao was coming to town with his student, and the rich man Yung Nge had heard of his coming. Knowing of the monetary lack which such learned ones often suffered from, Yung Nge fully intended to give Siu Bao a large amount of money, in the hope of easing the difficulty of his life.

Yung Nge sat down with Siu Bao and his quiet student at dinner that night. Each enjoyed a whole fried fish, golden and crunchy. As the meal ended and the scales were brushed away, the conversation turned to that of money.

"It is my wish to give you a ten pound statue of gold," Yung Nge told the teacher.

"That would be a fine thing, for I have never been rich before," Siu Bao replied. His student said nothing.

The next day the teacher and his student departed, the elder carrying the gold statue with him.

Not two days later Siu Bao and his student were back, and without the gold. Yung Nge was unable to contain his curiosity.

"What happened to the statue?" He asked.

"Well," Siu Bao explained. "I am unused to being rich, as I said. Not long after we left, I was overcome with a charity somewhat akin to your own. Being so rich I was able for the first time to give money away, and so I gave it to my student."

"But he doesn't have it either," the rich man pointed out.

"True enough. His charity was at least equal to my own, for he returned it. Then I gave it back to him, for he surely needed it more than I, being so recently destitute of his fortune. Seeing that I was in hard times, he gave me his gold statue, but then I - judging him to be the poorer by far - felt it necessary to give him mine."

"Yet neither of you have it," replied Yung Nge.

"Well," Siu Bao went on, "it happened that my student, who gave me the statue at a certain point to ease my financial problems, did not wish his charity to be thwarted. Thus, as soon as he placed the statue in my hands, he ran away as fast as his legs could carry him - a truly charitable man! Seeing that he was too proud for help, I was forced to run him down and render financial aid upon him in the form of a gold statue I happened to have."

"Which is, for all you have said, nowhere to be seen," continued the rich man.

"At this point we were both desperately tired. I am not much of a runner at my age, and ten pounds of charity can leave quite a bruise if it is given carelessly. Would that I had known that riches would be such a difficult burden! Even our charitable notions had nearly put an end to us. In the end, we were forced to give the statue to an old lady on the road, and then run away so that she could not take pity on our penniless condition and return it."

"I am sorry, Siu Bao," Yung Nge told him. "I have tried to help you, but in the end it seems I have given you nothing."

"Not true, Yung Nge," the master smiled. "It was exhilarating to be rich, even if only for a short time. You also gave me a fried fish, which was more than worth all this trouble."

I've never tried to write a koan before. Maybe I didn't do it right.

I almost stepped on that bug. I hate that damned bug. I think it hates me too. Where did it go? I want to step on it.

Your efforts are truley admirale BBB, and you write well and in an entertaining and thought provoking way but I'm affraid I have to tell you that you have never written a Koan in your life....

The entertaining stories you write are more like paradoies of koans. Not unlike the 'wise tales' that are existant in every culture, each one has a statement about moral values or practical common sence.

Effectively what you write are anti-koans with moral undertones.

Koans have one theme, enlightenment.

For this reason and for many others that I won't bother mentioning, your little competition is MU.

Sorry to dissapoint you.

This is not a Koan, but I thought I'd add it here anyway. Seems like a suitable place.


In the infinite ocean of the universe day is night and night is day, existence is non-existence and non-existence is existence.
All that remains is that which separates us from truth.


That was (very) loosely based on this cryptic Chinese saying:

Existence is to return, non-existence is to return.
Why then do you stand on the river bank.
And get blown arround in the cold wind?

I'm affraid I have to tell you that you have never written a Koan in your life....
I know that Exy my boy. The only reason why I'm champion here is because I'm the one who started the contest. (Hence the "impenetrability" score, on which most of my "koans" would get 0/10 or so.) Along will come some koan-master and unseat me by popular demand, and then we'll really see the zen fly. Woo hoo!

I almost stepped on that bug. I hate that damned bug. I think it hates me too. Where did it go? I want to step on it.

So I'm guessing that if you don't see how this relates to secular morality, or if you do but just freakin barely.. then I get full points for impenetrability right?

Ok, let me try one. This is not as fun as BBH's, but...

Master Ae left the monistary one day, and walked up the northern path to the top of a mountain. He found a fairly comfortable spot, and sat down. Occationally, he would eat a leaf of a nearby plant.or lift his chin to drink a few drops of rain, but he largely keep himself motionless, in both mind and body.
Students would occationally pass by, but he would pay them no mind. A few of the younger students would throw small pebbles and sticks at him; these too, he ignored.
Winter came, and despite a few attempts to get him to return to the monestary, Master Ae remained where he was on the mountain. Fierce storms raged, and one day enough snow fell that it party buried him.
Two of his students went up the mountain to check on their master, and they found him sweeping away the snow from his sitting area with a fallen branch. Once he was done, he sat back down.
"Master - it is not safe to remain outside in these conditions. Do you wish to come back to the temple?" they asked, but he did not respond.
The winter continued, and Master Ae remained on the mountain side. His students checked up on him every once in a while, but he always appeared ok, though he got considerably thinner as time went on.
The winter ended, and spring came. Master Ae appeared in the temple. He ate a small bowl of rice, then went back up to the mountainside. Summer came, then fall.
There was the smell of new snow in the air when Master Ae came down a second time. He ate another small bowl of rice, washed himself, and dressed in a fresh set of robes.
He returned to his chamber and slept for two days.
Apon waking, he joined the other monks for morning prayer.
When asked why he had finaly returned, he answered, "Because it was time for you to ask."

a short one, but it isn't mine.

A student approached his master and said, "I think I am enlightened."
His master pointed to the table sitting in front of them and asked, "What do you see?"
"I see a table," the student replied.
"Fool," his teacher replied.

BBH, you are one brilliant bastard. ROFLMAO.

Oh man that shit is straight crafty yo.

Quite a talent that.

Bong Sen Si was sitting around when his friend Houdini stopped by. After some chit chat, Houdini asked him, "master Sen Si, what is the meaning of life?"
Sen Si replied, "Hand me that piano.",
"but, that is much too big to hand you!", replied Houdini,
"yes,", said Sen Si, "do you think life is any smaller?".

Mu! Mu! Mu! Mu!
Mu! Mu! Mu! Mu!

oo, good one, spidergoat

Gendy's koan:

Bob was watching the evening news, on his sofa. Lo behold- he's sneering the current support for America's campaings in the middle east- how immoral and wicked for one so big to pick on the little guys.
Gendy sits next to him since she's picked up a whiff of weakmind who'd love nothing more than a gendy's koan- and its Valentine's Day.

I say to him: "Good morning. It seems you're upset how those mujadins were blown to bits by B-52's and Apaches. Why?"

Bob: Look , little girl, consider how far more advanced we are. If Clinton were still president we'd at least be able to talk things out with the Emirates, if nothing else. Nothing comes from violence but nothing.

Gendy: Interesting. So you think that despite the general Muslim hate for our capitalist ideals and the cute ways they have of showing how much they hate those ideals...................the only way to fix it is diplomacy?

Bob: Yes.

Gendy: So if they strike us, and we invite them to discussing our differences instead of striking back.........with time, that will be progress. Yes?

Bob: Of course. Violence has never fixed anything. The only solution to any problem is a peaceful one. Any problem.

Gendy: (punches him in the nose)

Bob: (startled) What the fuck was that for?

Gendy: We're very different. I don't like it....let's discuss. (Punches him again)

Bob: (bleeding this time) But what the fuck did I do to you?

Gendy: Nothing. I just don't like how we see things and its getting annoying...let's discuss (kicks him in the crotch)

Bob: (moves to strike Gendy...but stops short)

Gendy: Not so fast monsieur, put that hand back down. Let's settle this peacefully. I'm half your size- shame on you to want to even want to strike back. Where would be the progress in that? You wicked, wicked man- violence yields nothing but nothing, remember?
Let's discuss our differences, and then, with time, we might fix our little dilemma. Would you like some wine? (punches both his eyes out)

Bob: Stupid, fucking little bitch. Allright....point taken.



End of Koan.

Just read the last part of the requirements.......Secular morality.


I don't think mine is as secularly moral as it is....funny. Its my offense for these bible-thumping Baptists that look down on the fact that we struck back after 9-11.

eh, violence doesn't solve much. In the situation above, bob strickiung back may have caused you to return. By not striking, and taking the lesson, he took three shots. had the two of you gotten into a full on fight, he would have taken more than three.

that said, I met my best friend when he threw my baseball glove over a fence, and I beat the crap out of him. He was impressed that someone stood up to him, and I don't remember the fight at all. I'm the best man at his wedding next month.

everything can be a tool if used properly.

first koan I've ever read with the word "fucking" in it :)

If gendanken's koan were real, it would go like this:

Bob: Violence has never fixed anything. The only solution to any problem is a peaceful one. Any problem.

Gendy: (attempts to punch him in the nose)

Bob: (neatly steps out of the way, causing Gendy to fall flat on his face) see?

River Wind:

that said, I met my best friend when he threw my baseball glove over a fence, and I beat the crap out of him. He was impressed that someone stood up to him, and I don't remember the fight at all. I'm the best man at his wedding next month.


Then I must have cooties- how many guns have I pulled out on potential playmates only to have them run away like so many mice?


Kidding- good for you. Your "friend" is a keeper.



Spidergoat:

If gendanken's koan were real, it would go like this:

Bob: Violence has never fixed anything. The only solution to any problem is a peaceful one. Any problem.

Gendy: (attempts to punch him in the nose)

Bob: (neatly steps out of the way, causing Gendy to fall flat on his face) see?
Number one way you flatter me: you assume I'm a man.

Number two way you flatter me: your rank stupidity.

Unless I specified that I fell flat on my face would you have any right to think so, but that's besides the point since your twist on my koan makes no damn sense.


"Most often koans are of a paradoxical nature and cannot be grasped by the intellect. Therefore a koan can only be understood through direct experience of the true mind out of which it originated."

....and the wind gently whistles in through Spider's right ear and sweetly out the other.......

Bob, in my "twist", embodies the principle of passivity in motion, letting gen's violence reflect back to him or her. The moral; passivity does not mean inaction. Action does not always mean violence.

Thank you for implying my mind is empty, please don't fill it.