Religious and Political Viewpoints
on the fact that
Shit DOES Happen
submitted by Kim G.


TAOISM: Shit happens.

CONFUCIANISM: Confucius says, "Shit happens."

BUDDHISM: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.

ZEN BUDDHISM: Shit is, and is not.

ZEN BUDDHISM II: What is the sound of shit happening?

HINDUISM: This shit has happened before.

ISLAM: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.

ISLAM II: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.

ISLAM III: If shit happens, blame Israel.

CATHOLICISM: If shit happens, you deserve it.

PROTESTANTISM: Let shit happen to someone else.

PRESBYTERIANISM: This shit was bound to happen.

LUTHERAN: If shit happens, don't talk about it.

FUNDAMENTALISM: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are bornagain. (Amen!)

FUNDAMENTALISM II: If shit happens to televangelist, it's okay.

FUNDAMENTALISM III: Shit must be born again.

JUDAISM: Why does this shit always happen to us?

CALVINISM: Shit happens because you don't work.

CREATIONISM: God made all shit.

SECULAR HUMANISM: Shit evolves.

CHRISTIAN SCIENCE: When shit happens don't call a doctor - pray.

UTOPIANISM: This shit does not stink.

DARWINISM: This shit was once food.

CAPITALISM: That's my shit.

COMMUNISM: It's everybody's shit.

FEMINISM: Men are shit.

COMMERCIALISM: Let's package this shit.

IMPRESSIONISM: From a distance this shit looks like a garden.

EXISTENTIALISM: Shit doesn't happen, shit IS.

EXISTENTIALISM II: What is shit anyway?

JEHOVAS WITNESSES: Knock knock. Shit happens.

JEHOVAS WITNESSES II: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?

HARE KRISHNA: Shit happens, rama rama.

RASTAFARIANISM: Let's smoke this shit.

SATANISM: SNEPPAH TIHS.

ATHEISM: What shit?

ATHEISM II: I can't believe this shit.

Toys and Belief


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Atheism
There is no toy maker.

Polytheism
There are many toy makers.

Evolutionism
The toys made themselves.

Capitalism
He who dies with the most toys, wins.

Communism
Everyone gets the same number of toys, and whoever is caught selling his toys will go straight to hell.

Buddhism
He who dies with no toys, wins.

Confucianism
Once a toy is dipped in the water, it is no longer dry.

Branch Davidians
He who dies playing with the biggest toys, wins.

Hinduism
He who plays with bags of plastic farm animals, loses.

Jehovah's Witnesses
He who sells the most toys door-to-door, wins.

Mormonism
Every boy can have as many toys as he wants.

Muslim
He who plays only with soldier toys, wins.

Satanism
He who plays with fire, wins.

Judaism
He who plays without following the rules, loses.

Anglican
They were our toys first.

Greek Orthodox
No, they were OURS first.

7th Day Adventist
He who plays with his toys on Saturday, loses.

Baptist
Once played, always played.

Catholicism
He who denies himself the most toys, wins.

Pentecostalism
He whose toys can talk, wins.

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A humor injection that was way overdue around here...

A MEMO FROM GOD

To: YOU
Date: TODAY
From: THE BOSS
Subject: YOURSELF
Reference: LIFE

I am God. Today I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.

If life happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle,do not attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFGTD (something for God to do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not yours. Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it.

If you find yourself stuck in traffic, don't despair. There are people in this world for whom driving is an unheard of privilege.

Should you have a bad day at work, think of the man who has been out of work for years.

Should you despair over a relationship gone bad, think of the person who has never known what it's like to love and be loved in return.

Should you grieve the passing of another weekend, think of the woman in dire straits, working twelve hours a day, seven days a week to feed her children.

Should your car break down, leaving you miles away from assistance,think of the paraplegic who would love the opportunity to take that walk.

Should you notice a new gray hair in the mirror, think of the cancer patient in chemo who wishes she had hair to examine.

Should you find yourself at a loss and pondering what is life all about, asking what is my purpose? Be thankful. There are those who didn't live long enough to get the opportunity.

Should you find yourself the victim of other people's bitterness,ignorance, smallness or insecurities; remember, things could be worse. You could be them!!!!


And on a lighter note.....

An elderly lady was concerned about her husband's hearing. It seemed that every time she would call him, he wouldn't respond. The lady went to the doctor to ask his advice
The doctor said to her, "When you go home, tell your husband to stand at the end of the hallway with his back to you, while you stand at the other end. Ask him what he wants for dinner. Continue to move closer to him until he responds to your question so that you know exactly how far away he is from you when he finally hears you." She thought this was a great idea. When she got home, she placed her husband at the end of the hallway and yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?" There was no response. She moved 10
feet closer. Again she yelled, "Herbert, what do you want for dinner?" Again, no response. She moved another 15 feet closer to where she was now practically next to her husband. She yelled even louder this time,"HERBERT, what do you want for dinner?!!"
Herbert yells back at her, "For the THIRD time, I want chicken!!"


H2o :D :D :D :D :D

Great laffs!!! :D :D
ta very much guys.

The Prayer of the Selfish Child:

Now I lay me down to sleep;
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.
If I should die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my toys to break,

(so none of the other kids can use 'em.)

--Shel Silverstein

thanx,
Tiassa

('Bye-bye Uncle Shelby. We know you're in there looking out. :( )

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The whole business with the fossilized dinosaur eggs was a joke the paleontologists haven't seen yet. (Good Omens, Gaiman & Pratchett)