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One particular Christmas season, a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... But there were problems everywhere... Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit... This stressed Santa even more. When he went out to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out - who knows where? More stress...
Santa tried to keep going... He began to load the sleigh, when all of a sudden, one of the boards cracked and a big bag of toys fell to the ground - scattering the toys all over the place. Frustrated, and in need of a break, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink! In his frustration, Santa accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces - all over the kitchen floor. To make matters even worse, when Santa went to get the broom, he found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from...
Just then, the doorbell rang (Ding-dong!)... Santa cussed (!@#$%!!!) on his way to the door. When he opened the door, he saw a little angel with a GREAT BIG Christmas tree.
The angel said, VERY cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa! Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a BE-A-U-ti-ful tree for you. Isn't it just a LOVE-ly tree!? Where would you like me to put it, Santa?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree...
12-21-02, 09:36 AM
Once upon a time in a galaxy far far away....
A man named Luke was putting up his christmas tree. He pricked his finger on an ornimat and fell asleep for 1,000 years. When he awoke he found his father, Darren. Darren was an exconstruction worker and now taught fencing at sears.
Darren took Luke home to his wife, Sabrina. Sabrina was a witch, a teenage witch. Which doesnt make any sense because Darren is 1,047 years old. Now Luke finished putting up the tree and ran away with Sabrina because they were both stupid teens. All in all Darren shot himself because it wasnt a very merry christmas.
Happy Christmas everyone! I suck at this story telling thing.
12-21-02, 10:04 AM
12-21-02, 10:30 AM
one christmas a long time ago, Santa got stuck in a chimney. He died...in the chimney. So thats how he became immortal. erm, so, ehm, yeh.
CHRISTMAS IS A FESTIVE HOLIDAY in Sami, the Saami homeland. The Saami await a Yuletide visit from a giant, horned and hairy wildman named Stallo. In Lappish, stallo means "metal man." Sometimes Stallo is dressed in stylish, all-black clothes like an MIB (man in black) or in a metallic suit (as conspiracy theorists conjecture, a robot or ancient astronaut in a space suit). Most likely the metal suit was the chain-mail armor of the berserker Vikings. The amoral Stallo delights in macabre acts of genital mutilation of his innocent victims. (Stallo pokes his staff up the skirts of young girls.) On Christmas Eve, Stallo rides around in his sleigh looking for something to drink. Traditionally, the Saami drive a stake into the ground near a fresh-water supply so Stallo can tie up his sled while having a refreshing gulp of water. If Stallo cannot find anything to drink, he will bash in a child's skull, sucking out the brains and blood to satiate his thirst. The most dangerous night for Lapp children is Christmas Eve, when Stallo lurks about looking for naughty victims to cram into his sack. (Jeffrey Vallance)
IN SWEDEN, SANTA (JULTOMTEN) lives in Tomteland, also known as Santa World. Three hundred sixty million years ago, a gigantic meteor struck central Sweden with the impact of a thousand atomic detonations, blasting out a crater that eventually filled with water, becoming Lake Siljan. The high mountains around the lake are actually sides of the crater, and here at the base of Mount Gesunda, Swedish Santa built his workshop. Jultomten is akin to the King of the Forest?type wildman: stout, bearded, dressed in furs. He cares for animals and has shamanistic powers over the elements. According to legend, Jultomten lived deep in the forest long before he showed himself to humans. It is said that Santa used to roam around the Swedes' farms during the night. He would creepy-crawl into children's rooms, touching them to bestow prophetic dreams. To this day, on Christmas Eve Swedes still leave porridge, milk or tobacco to appease the mischievous little elf, similar to Americans leaving milk and cookies for Santa. (Jeffrey Vallance)
ACCORDING TO ECCLESIASTICAL LEGENDS, Santa Claus or St. Nicholas (A.D. 280?343) was born in Patara, Lycia (Turkey today). Nicholas became Bishop of Myra and was known for performing many miracles. One story tells how Nicholas preserved the chastity of three young girls. The saint discovered that a poverty-stricken man was about to sell his three virgin daughters into child prostitution. In the night, Nicholas threw three orbs of gold down the man's chimney, thus saving the girls from their unspeakable plight. From this source we now have Santa going down the chimney as well as the gleaming, orb-like Christmas-tree ornament. In A.D. 540, an ornate basilica was constructed over St. Nicholas' humble tomb in Myra. In A.D. 800, the saint's legend was brought to Scandinavia by the Vikings, where it merged with much older pagan myths of trolls and elves. In 1087, Italian merchants broke into Santa's crypt in Myra, stole his remains and spirited them off to Italy. The relics of St. Nicholas were then preserved in the Basilica of St. Nicola in Bari, Italy. In 1823, Clement Moore published A Visit From Saint Nicholas, which was to become the holy scriptures of Santa Claus: "He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,/And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot." In the 1940s the Coca-Cola Company adopted Santa as their mascot in a popular ad campaign for their drink made from the kola nut. Santa in a cleaned-up and stylized costume (in red and white ?Ethe company's colors) was used in the promotional graphics and became the standard Santa look. (Jeffrey Vallance)
12-23-02, 12:58 PM
'Twas The Night Before Christmas, NASA-style (http://www.thursdaysclassroom.com/09dec99/thenight.html)
by Gail Koske Phillips and Patrick Koske-McBride
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the stars
Not a creature was stirring, not even on Mars.
The space boots were hung by the airlock with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The robots were nestled all snug on their tires,
As visions of upgrades danced through their wires;
Mom put on her headset while I counted prime numbers,
We had settled our brains for a long winter's slumber,
When out on the dome there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my sack to see what was the matter.
Away to the porthole I flew like a flash,
And tore open the air filter with a great clash.
The moons on the crest of a new volcano,
Gave an alien luster to objects below.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a small UFO, and eight rocket reindeer,
With a little old driver so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
More rapid than light, his rockets they came,
And he whistled, and shouted and called them by name:
"Now Saturn! now, Sputnik! now, Titan and Atlas!
On, Redstone! on, Delta! Apollo, Polaris!
To the top of the dome! to the top of the wall!
Now blast away! blast away! blast away all!"
As meteors blaze through the heavens up high,
When they meet with the atmosphere and burn in the sky,
So up to the dome-top the rockets they flew,
With a ship full of toys, and St. Nicholas, too.
And then in a twinkling, I felt on the ceiling
The heat of the thrusters and landing tiles peeling.
As I covered my head, and was turning around,
Through the airlock old Santa Claus came with a bound.
He was dressed all in plastics, from his feet to his head,
And his clothes were all covered in dust that was red;
A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a scientist opening his pack.
His visor- how it twinkled! his filter how scary!
His gloves were from Earth, the logos quite merry!
His space boots, how costly! they played songs and glowed!
The frost on his suit was as cold as Pluto;
The stump of his air tube held tight in his teeth,
And oxygen swirled round his head like a wreath;
He had a broad face and a little round belly
That shook, when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
and I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself;
A wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the space boots; then turned with a jerk,
And spreading his fingers just like Dr. Spock,
He quietly exited out the airlock.
He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like a high flying missile.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night."
Santa Claus sighed as he walked into his workshop. All the elves were busily at work building toys, machines humming, hammers and pliers being wielded with amazing speed. Santa just stared and sighed again.
"I don't think I can go through with this again this year," he thought to himself. "Better tell the boys now." "Listen up everyone," he said loudly. "I have important news."
The elves all looked up, put down their tools and stopped their machines and walked over to where Santa stood, shoulders slumped.
"I'm not doing Christmas this year," Santa said.
Cries of disbelief rose up from the elves.
"But Santa, why? All the children will be so disappointed!" Oliver, the head elf said.
"I'm just too tired," Santa replied. "All that climbing up and down
chimneys with those heavy sacks of toys. I just don't have the energy or stamina for it anymore. Taking a bite out of every cookie some kid leaves for me - you know how many cookies that adds up to be in the course of the night? I get fatter and fatter every year. Last year I almost got stuck in a chimney in Buffalo. And the last few years the reindeer have been trying to take advantage, trying to stay on the rooftops rather than flying. I have to yank like crazy on the reins to get them going, and that really wipes me out. No, I'm going to retire this year. Sure, the kids may be disappointed this year, but they'll get used to it. So I guess you guys can start shutting down the workshop." And with that he shuffled out of the room.
The elves looked at each other, aghast at what Santa had just said.
"We can't let this happen," Snowball said. "The kids will have a
"Forget about the kids, what about us?" Oliver snapped. "There aren't exactly a lot of employment opportunities up here. I don't feel like flipping seal burgers at some Eskimo village in Greenland, or working as a gofer at some oil rig in Alaska."
"I have an idea!" said Greensleeves. He was the smartest of the elves. "Come on into the workshop, this should only take an hour or two."
Later that day the elves went into the room where Santa was dozing in an easy chair and woke him up.
"Santa, come with us, we have a present for YOU," Oliver said.
Santa slowly hoisted himself up and followed the elves. He saw a strange contraption in the center of the room. It looked like a satellite dish had been grafted onto a small device, and tubes like flourescent lights stuck out along the sides.
"What's that thing?" he asked.
"It's a special floodlight system," Greensleeves said. " We think that you're just suffering from Seasonal Affective Disorder because it's so dark at the North Pole now. This light treatment will help break your depression."
"I don't know," Santa mumbled. "You'll be having me taking Prozac next. Oh well, guess it can't hurt. What do I have to do?"
"Just stand there," Greensleeves said, and Oliver flicked the switch.
The tubes lit up with a strange, purplish tinged glow. The dish seemed to focus the beams at Santa, and he noticed a warming feeling.
"Mmmmm, feels a little like a heat lamp," he said. "I feel better
The elves started exchanging looks. "It looks like it's working,"
"This feels great!" Santa said. Then he looked down and said, "Hey,what's going on?"
Santa's pants were starting to droop down a little, because his stomach was starting to get smaller. At the same time, he felt his jacket getting tighter across his chest and shoulders. He looked down and it seemed as if his chest was getting bigger. Then he looked at his sleeves - they were getting tight as well, as if the suit were shrinking. But it wasn't the suit that was getting smaller, Santa could see that his arm was swelling even as he was looking at it.
"What?" Santa said and scratched his head. As he did so the seam of the jacket started to tear under his armpit. The material had started to give way when his arm movement made his lat muscle spread out. The seam along the arm was the next thing to go. Santa instinctively clenched his fist and flexed his arm. A peaked bicep erupted through the top of thematerial.
"It's working, it's working!" Greensleeves was jumping up and down. "Iknew it would. Look at him now!"
Santa's pants had now dropped down to the floor. What had previously been like a bowl full of jelly was now a tight waist with rippling abdominal muscles chiselled into it. His quads were growing thicker, the striations of the different muscles becoming more and more apparent. The rest of the jacket was getting shredded by the expansion of Santa's massive shoulders. They were the size of the basketballs that the elves were churning out inhuge numbers this year.
The elves stared in amazement as Santa continued his transformation.
"Ho, ho, ho, this feels fantastic," Santa laughed. He crunched into a most muscular pose and the remnants of the jacket tore to shreds and fell in tatters to the floor. Every muscle group was now visible on his body. Though only about 5'9" his close to 300 lbs of flab had been transformed into the same weight of hard, cut muscle. His pecs were huge mounds of muscle jutting out over a tiny midsection. As he hit a double biceps pose his biceps exploded into highly peaked mountains of muscle, criss crossed
with thick veins. Santa's shoulders were thickly muscled, flanking either side of his neck which was now as thick as a reindeer's. As Oliver flicked off the switch, he noticed that Santa's boxer underwear had also fallen down, revealing a thick, long cock laying atop heavy low-hanging balls.
Santa continued to flex his arms and legs, showing off his new muscles. His skin had turned a deep tan, which contrasted with his snow white hairand beard and twinkling blue eyes.
"What was that thing?" he asked.
Greensleeves spoke up. "We couldn't let the fact that you had gotten out of shape disappoint all those kiddies."
"And us," added Oliver.
"So we made this machine. We hooked up a tv dish, tanning bed, a VCR with a World's Strongest Man video that some kid named Michael had asked for, and a few other odds and ends. And I guess it worked better than wethought."
"Well I feel great now!" Santa roared. "Wait til Mrs. Claus sees me!"
"Yeah you really do look great," Oliver said while Snowball nodded and licked his lips.
"But my suit, it's ruined," Santa said.
"I have an idea," said Northstar, the elf who did most of the sewing of doll's clothing. He grabbed up scraps of the suit and ran into the workshop. While he was gone, Santa continued to flex now and then.
"It's bigger than Cupid's," Oliver murmured to Greensleeves as he stared at Santa's crotch.
"Hmmm?" said Santa, looking up from watching his thick forearm, which he had been making twitch and jump by rotating his fist around.
"Uh- I said I hope he doesn't make something that looks stupid."
Soon Northstar returned and said, "Here Santa, try this on."
He had taken the scraps and made them into a tight pouch that just barely contained Santa's impressive basket. And he had taken some of the old reindeer reins and made them into a leather harness that Santa could put on to hold up the posing strap. The straps of the harness pressed slightly into the hard muscles of Santa's pecs, making it look as if taking a deep breath would snap the leather. The straps dug in around the massive deltoid muscles and then made a V as they converged on Santa's
hard waist. All the elves were staring at the thickly muscled man before them.
"Santa, you are quite a stud now," Greensleeves finally said. "Can I feel your muscles?"
"Sure," Santa answered, and he flexed his swollen arm, bending down a little so that Greensleeves, who was only about four feet tall, could put his hand on the gigantic bicep muscle. Greensleeves grabbed onto it with both hands, then hung suspended in midair.
"Let me feel, Santa," yelled Northstar, then cries of "Me too, let me," came from all the other elves. They all gathered around the musclebound man as he flexed and posed for them. Their hands went all over his body, and soon Oliver noticed that Santa's new briefs looked like they were being stretched out in front.
"Let's be naughty," Oliver said, as he slowly reached out to Santa's crotch. He was just about Santa's height, and he brought his face to Santa and started to kiss him as he stroked the stiffening cock within the briefs.
"OOOh, this is nice," moaned Santa. Snowball unhooked the harness and pulled the briefs down. A beefy cock sprang up, a foot long at least.
"Look at that head," Northstar said. "Bigger and redder than Rudolph's nose."
Santa was getting into it at this point. He liked having all the elves worshipping his body, running their hands over his new muscles as he tightened and flexed them. Oliver had gotten on his knees and now had the big dick in his mouth. Santa groaned as Oliver tongued his shaft and licked around the thick knob of his cockhead. The tights that the elves wore all were being stretched out by their erections of varying lengths.
The elves were all from 4 feet to 5'7" tall, and their cocks were of all different sizes, though none as big as the firehose that Oliver had down his throat. The elves were pulling down their tights, grabbing their cocks while they felt all over the writhing muscles that Santa kept flexing.
Greensleeves had pulled himself up from Santa's arm and was now straddling one of his massive shoulders, while Santa's tongue darted around his stiff little cock. Northstar had his legs wrapped around Santa's waist and had his face pressed against Santa's broad chest, his mouth clamped onto one of Santa's nipples. Other elves were licking along the muscle separations
in Santa's quads as he flexed them. Santa was flexing still, covered in a mass of elven bodies, their hands and mouths all over him. And Oliver kept up the suction on the big man's cock.
Oliver let the huge dong slip out of his mouth and then started jerking it hard and fast.
"Shoot it Santa, shoot that load. We want a white Christmas!" he yelled.
Santa was moaning, every muscle in his body tight. Oliver grabbed Santa's balls with one hand while he continued jerking with the other. Santa's nipples, mouth, ass, all were being serviced by the elves. Santa let out a deep shout and Oliver felt the cum starting to pump out from the huge man's balls. Squirt after squirt came shooting out as Santa roared with pleasure. Oliver's own 7 inch dick started spurting its load. All the elves now were cumming, little and big loads landing on Santa's pecs and abs, on the floor, everywhere. Finally all were spent and the elves collapsed to the floor as Santa ground out one last double biceps pose.
"That was great guys," Santa said. "I wish that you had made that presentfor me years ago."
The elves had started getting dressed, cleaning up the workshop, putting things back in order. There was a strange sound, like ripping cloth that made Santa and the elves turn around. Greensleeves had turned the machine
back on and pointed it at himself. He flexed his arms and ripped right through the cloth of his shirt - 17 inch arms at 4 feet tall and still growing.
"We'll have to have all of you guys stand in front of that thing, and have some real fun then," Santa said. And then we'll have a merry Christmas and a very happy New Year."
12-23-02, 02:27 PM
I've never heard of this Stallo fellow Spookz, but I know for sure that before the christmasgoat ( julbocken) came to every home and spanked all the naughty children. And in my hometown, Gävle, they build this giant christmastgoat on the town square every christmas, and every year it getsburnt down by some mischeivious kids, every year. So it has become a tradition.
Here you can view it online, and it looks like it's still standing.