Q: What is the difference between a Drug Dealer and a Hooker? A: A Hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. Q: What's a mixed feeling? A: When you see your Mother-In-Law backing off a cliff in your new car. Q: What is the height of conceit? A: Having an orgasm and calling out your own name. Q: What's the definition of 'Macho'? A: Jogging home from your vasectomy. Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball? A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball. Q: Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex? A: They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick! Q: Why is divorce so expensive? A: Because it's worth it! Q: What is a Yankee? A: The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone. Q: What is the difference between 'ooooooh' and 'aaaaaaah'? A: About three inches. Q: How do you find a Blind Man in a nudist colony? A: It's not hard. Q: What's the difference between a Girlfriend and a Wife? A: 45 pounds. Q: What's the difference between a Boyfriend and a Husband? A: 45 minutes. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.. Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning? A: They don't have balls to scratch!
What's the difference between Sven Goran Eriksson and swine flu? Swine flu had a big impact in Mexico.
Cosmic.. You so fit the stereotype of a lecherous, leering old man. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Heard this MJ joke the other day. (1) You hear that Michael Jackson died of food poisoning? (2) No, I didn't. (1) Yeah, he ate 9 year old weiners. I think this was being texted around.
Q. Why don't women scratch their genitals in the morning? A. Have you ever tried to peel apart a grilled cheese sandwich?
A man goes to his doctor for an annual check up. The doctor says "I'll need you to come back tomorrow with a urine sample, a fecal sample and a sperm sample". The man replies "Right so doctor, I'll bring'em by tomorrow" When he gets home his wife askes "Well what did he say ?" The man replies "He needs me to bring in a pair of your underwear."
One day there was a little girl and it was her birthday, but her parents had to go out for the night so they hired a babysiter and told him to let the girl do whatever she wanted to do because it was her birthday. So when the parents left, the little girl was playing and the babysiter got tired so he said "I'm going to take a shower and the little girl said "Oh, can I take a shower with you?" and the babysiter said " Uh, O.K. Just don't look down." When they were taking a shower the little girl dropped the shampoo and when she picked it up she saw his dick and said "What's that?" The guy said "Um, it's a ruber ducky" and the girl says "O.K." Then the babysiter said "I'm tired I'm going to go to sleep." and the girl says "Can I go to sleep with you?" and the guy says "Um, O.K. Just don't look under the covers." So when they're in the bed there's a thunderstorm and the girl gets scared and hides under the covers. Then she looks at the guys dick and says "Can I play with your rubber ducky because I'm scared" and the guy says " Uh, O.K." and he falls asleep. The next morning he looks at the bed and he sees the there is blood all over the place and he asks the little girl "What Happened" and the little girl says"The rubber ducky spit at me so I chopped it's head off."
There were two guys taking a shower. They were playing with each other and kissing. Then sombody knocked on the door so one of the guys said 'I'm going to answer the door. 'Don't finish without me' So he went to go answer the door, and when he came back there was cum all over the walls curtains, everywhere. The guy says to him 'I told you not to finish without me.' The other guy says 'I didnt.....I farted.'
Q. Whats worse than taking a shower with a 14 year old? A. Slicking his hair back so he looks 11 Q. Whats worse than that? A. Making faces at him while he is on the witness stand.
What is 12" long and makes a woman moan all night? Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Four nuns are killed and arrive at the Gates of Heaven. They line up in front of St Peter. The first nun says "St Peter, I once saw a man's penis. May I still enter?" St Peter replies "Wash your eyes in this font of holy water and proceed." The second nun says "St Peter, I once touched a man's penis. May I still enter?" St Peter replies "Wash your hands in this font of holy water and proceed." St Peter suddenly notices a scuffle between the last two nuns. The fourth nun is trying to cut in front of the third nun. "What is going on?" he asks the fourth nun. "I'm trying to go first so I can wash my mouth out before she sticks her arse in the font". What do a tightrope walker and a young man getting head off his granny have in common? Neither look down. A mother is sitting in the garden with her three daughters. "Mummy," the first daughter asks. "Why am I called Rose?" "Because when you were born a rose petal fell from that bush and landed on your forehead." "Mummy," asked the second daughter. "Why am I called Tulip?" "Because when you were born a tulip petal fell from over there and landed on your forehead." The third daughter moaned: "Mnanmammmammnaamammangh!" "Be quiet Fridge," said the mother. A man is sitting in a bar looking depressed when a woman approaches and asks him what's wrong. He tells her sadly that his girlfriend just left him and, after some pressuring, admits that it was because he was just too kinky for her. "What a coincidence!" exclamimed the woman. "My boyfriend just left me for the same reason." The two hit it off and, after a few drinks, decided to go back to her place as it was nearest. The woman left the man alone in the living room and disappeared into the bedroom. After ten minutes she reappeared dressed in full leather and chains, with whip and ballgag in hand only to see the man about to leave. "Where are you going?" she asked. "I thought you were kinky." "I am," he replied. "I fucked your cat and just took a shit in your purse. I'm off home now." A man is in the waiting room at a sperm donor clinic anxiously awaiting his turn when in walks a beautiful blonde woman who smiles and sits next to him. Feeling a little confused he turns to her and says: "I'm sorry. I thought this was the sperm donor place. What are you doing here?" "Mmmgghmh mmmgmhpghmm mmmmgh"
Why do tampons have strings? So you can floss after eating. What's the difference between menstrual blood and sand? You can't gargle sand. Did you hear about the baby in the tumble drier? He died!
New Zealand's population of sheep is higher than people. Also, They have been long rumored to shag sheep.
> > > Surgeons > > > The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." > > > > > > The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order." > > > > > > The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over." > > > > > > But the fifth surgeon, from Washington , DC shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."
A guy walks in a bar,he asks for a soda and the bartender gives him a blowjob. Inspired by all the jokes above,it pretty much sums up the whole thread.
