My husband and I do not have any children yet, we would like to at some point, but is not top priority for us right now. We are still in our early twenties and would like to get farther along in our careers and be a little more settled. But, on to the point. We have tried getting into conversations with people who are already parents to get their opinions of what we need to do to prepare ourselves, both in physically and mentally. It seems to be a topic that most don't like to discuss when face to face with someone, and so I thought perhaps I would fare better on a forum. A few of my questions: Is there a feeling of identity loss that many parents feel, and if so, is it lingering or something that goes away? Does a lot of parenting come instinctively, or are you having to constantly discover ways to handle situations? I realize that these things vary from parent to parent, child to child, but would still like to hear about others experiences.
LOL your dealing with the female ego so good luck with that because its quite a mess. and... further more the women(who basically knows nothing about child raising) is perceived as the oracle of all things children by men and expected to never be questioned by men either. soo your challenging a very serious problem that lies at the very heart of societies, black white rich poor etc... i could give you all the answers however 2 things would happen. 1. you would not believe me 2 you would spend the majority of your time making up reasons why i am wrong just to appease your broken female ego(assuming your a typical woman). however, should you happen NOT to be a typical woman then please continue and ask me anything you like. after all im not completely sold on species wide genocide YET to solve this particular problem but its looking more and more like the only cost effective solution.
When you become a parent, you owe a main responsibility to that child. Far above your job, house or spare time... as a new parent, ALL your time is spent with the child. On a positive note, babies generally sleep somewhat through the night, so you won't go insane from lack of sleep. And babies take little naps through the day giving a short window of relief. But yeah- once you're a parent, everything else comes second to that child and you are their exclusive caretaker. It's not a bad thing being a parent. On many levels it gives fulfillment to one's life, having "completed the cycle". And as the years roll on you find yourself still the same you but also mommy. What part of the parenting process are you worried about?
I am really unsure as to where the whole "female ego" came into play in my questions, but am willing to listen to what anyone has to say as long as it is productive. I realize that there are women out there who act as if they know what's best for their child, but in reality have no clue and do more harm than good. But that is not always the case, and I am sorry that the experiences that you may have had led you to the conclusion that all women are like this. I have been around children of all ages since I was young because my mother ran a daycare out of our home, which I helped with as soon as I was old enough. In that way I know a little about the needs of children when they are young, but know that taking care of my own child will be an entirely different experience. I have also deduced that they (the child) will become my whole world once they are here and will come before anything else. It was one of my mothers major rants whenever I was growing up, and I intend on fully taking it to heart. What I am really curious about is how a parent feels psychologically throughout the child-rearing process, if there are certain times when you feel as if you are going crazy and have no clue what to do next. How do you effectively take care of them, while you make sure that you are doing the things that you need to do for your own well-being?
Ever think about adopting instead? There are thousands of children already on this planet that are in great need of kind , loving parents. Perhaps you could also consider that as an option as well. There's no right or wrong time with having children only if you can AFFORD them and be able to give them all of your time and love. Good luck with whatever you decide. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Wow... there is so much that can go into the answer of this question. For my background I have been raising children since I was 10, from infant to now 16yrs old. My experience has shown me that some people handle it better than others. The reason I was taking care of children from such a young age, for example, was because my sisters were not able to take care of their own all the time. One sister was responsible and I was the main baby sitter while she finished school and then later worked at her job. The other has yet to grow up (she's in her 30s) and realize that the kids should come before things like having fun, going out, etc. I became a mother-figure to the oldest (16) when my sister (the more responsible one) died last July. However, there are a lot of challenges... throughout all of the ages. Will you lose your identity? It depends on you--your identity will change and grow for sure, but it sounds like you have some good history to keep from going completely insane through the younger years Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! However, you will have two identities now--mother and wife--and these are not the same thing. (Same goes for husband and father). These are seperate relationships while still connected, are different and each have their own ups and downs. My best advice, from early on until they leave home--stick to your guns. Make rules, consequences and FOLLOW THROUGH WITH THEM. I can honestly say I have the least trouble out of my 5 nieces and 5 nephews than anyone else just because my rules are established and they know they cannot push me around so we don't tend to argue about it. Instead, they obey the rules and we have a wonderful time and learn a lot together (as opposed to screaming, tantrums, and testing of authority) 2nd, Be Honest. This is especially important as they near teenage years. Practice what you preach, be honest about your own mistakes and they will be better able to relate to you and will be more likely to call on you when they make their mistakes. When they do, you'll have to take a deep breath and make yourself calm down to listen, though often the first instinct is to yell--mostly because in truth it is scary to let them go and make those mistakes. 3rd. Mistakes--sometimes they have to learn from their own mistakes. This is one of the hardest things of all to do and can hurt like hell for us as parents and them, but they will be better for it. You can take or leave this as you want. I am certainly not an expert and am still learning each day Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Also, if anyone disagrees I'd be happy to hear their take on this subject--as I said, I'm still learning and in the position of "parent", can always use all the help I can get :wave:
I would really love to do this!! Growing up, I saw a lot of adopted and foster children (who came to my mother's daycare) and hoped that when I was an adult that I would be able to do that for someone. The only issue is that my husband wants to have his "own" children, and is not willing to listen to all of the positives that go along with adopting and fostering. I have even suggested adopting after we have one of our own, but he doesn't like the idea.
I commend you for being there for those children when they needed you, I wish there were more like you!! Thank you for your advice!!
They dont want a second hand one. they want a brand new one and happy to buy it on credit and get the state to pay for health and education(socialism).
Is that remark meant to be taken as misogyny or simply bone-headed? Are female egos any more messed up than male ones? If you mean women as a whole then I'd say there's a good case for them actually being the oracle: if you mean women as individual women then you're off-base. What makes you so expert? With good reason, I suspect. Misogyny or bone-headedness again?
That’s good in theory. But bear in mind that raising children is hard work. The older you are, the (much) harder it gets to cope with the sleep deprivation and constant effort it takes to look after them while they’re babies/infants/toddlers. Don’t leave it too late! Besides, there is never a “good time” to have children. At any stage in your life they will involve sacrifice. We evolved to have children in our teens and 20s; when you finally have them you’ll experience why. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! That’s strange. In my experience most parents are all too willing to discuss their experiences and child raising opinions. :shrug: I’m not sure what you mean by “identity loss”. I would say there’s no identity loss involved, but there is certainly a shift in how you perceive your own identity. Once you have a child(ren), your whole world revolves around them. So, your identity becomes intrinsically linked to your children. You perceive your identity primarily as the mother/father of your child(ren). Whatever my identity was before my kids, once they came along my identity became “Daddy” to them. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! There is some instinct involved. People can generally muddle their way through parenting on their own if they have to. But, for your first baby, you really have no idea what you’re doing! You will absolutely need help and you should seek it from as many sources as possible – family, friends and child support services. The interesting (and frustrating) thing about all the advice you will receive is that much of it will be contradictory. Different people and sources of info will tell you different things. This is especially frustrating if you have a problem child who doesn’t sleep or feed well. But after receiving all this advice you will be in a better position and will be able to better trust your own instincts as to what is right for you and your baby.
indeed, how can people be rated second hand, but yet look at all the comments we have in society about having someone elses throw off partners etc... people feel a sense of ownership when it comes to children and that unfortunately is also part of the problematic psychology of it. in reality it should make no difference at all if someone is adopted but the reality is true love is rare and hence excuses not to give affection to children is where it sits. the reality is the entire concept around adoption is putting the welfare of the child first, however in reality the welfare of the child only comes after the mothers ego(90% of the time).
My advice is to keep trying. There are certainly parents out there who will be more than happy to be mentors to people who are trying to prepare for parenthood. You just need to keep looking. Have you considered the possibility that you're not approaching them in the right way? For some people it's a delicate topic and you have to project the right attitude to get them to open up. Everyone has mistakes and bad luck in their parenting experience, so you have to be very gracious, respectful and non-judgmental. Maybe, but perhaps not this one. Most of our members are very young, and many of the others act like it.Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! I'm not a parent but I've known plenty of people who were, including a psychotherapist who spoke very analytically about it. What I would say is that it changes your identity. You're still you but you have this whole gigantic new part of your life. Sure, some people get overwhelmed by it emotionally, but those are the people who are overwhelmed by it practically. Stay-at-home moms who can't afford a sitter often enough to take off the Mom hat and keep up with their personal life. People who don't get enough respect, cooperation and effort from the other parent so it swallows them up. People who weren't very healthy emotionally when they went in so it pushes them over the edge into neurosis. People who worry too much, so they're always anxious about something going wrong. People who went into it for the wrong reasons: I'm worth something, or finally there's somebody who loves me, or I'll show the world that I can be responsible, etc. If you really mean "instinctively," of course there is some but I don't know how helpful it is. Homo sapiens is a pack-social species and it's natural for the elders of the pack to teach the younger members how to deal with life. The problem many of us have with adulthood (whether or not we have children) is that our own parents were not good role models. So look back on your own childhoods and the ways your parents handled parenthood. Did they use techniques and have attitudes that, in retrospect, were pretty good? These are all part of you. Whether you have to unlearn them or use them as a basis to build upon is a matter of your luck in drawing parents. Nonetheless every child is different, every family is different, every home is different and every life is different. Regardless of everything I've said so far, you will definitely be challenged to find your own way much of the time.
To do it right parents have to put their children first while standing together in solidarity. Many marriages have enough problems with people thinking the marriage is about them, nevermind bringing a child into the mix. If you and your spouse are of one mind about having a child and love each other more than you do yourselves then go for it and you will do fine. If you or they are selfish, all the other planning in the world won't prepare you for it.
