12 years ago I was misdiagnosed with chronic depression. (Age was 52). Last week it was determined that I had been misdiagnosed and the meds were actually making my real problem worse. I was actually mildly bi-polar and hit the "J" point on the exponential curve for inability to cope with stresses around me about 3 months ago. Two weeks ago the slightest irritation caused a major increase in irritatbility and release of anger with no warning whatsoever. The next day was worse and day after worse. Luckily I got help in time before I totally flipped out. Now we are trying to find the right mix of bi-polar meds that won't exasperate my diabetes, cholesterol, kidney disease, sleep apnea and high blood pressure. So far so good. Away from week for 2 weeks with another 2 weeks to go (minimum) and feeling better than I can ever remember.
Cool beans, Mr Jim, I'm glad you've been figured out correctly and are getting better. Bipolar 2 tends to have very few manic symptoms, if I'm remembering correctly. Someday, diagnosis is going to be much more precise, I hope...in fact, I remember reading that there's evidence for different gene loci for depression and bipolarity. I actually worry about being diagnosed with bipolar. If it happens I get stripped of my commission-I'm a security guard. I still have hopes of working armed-it pays a lot better. In fact, driving an armored truck may be what I go for next-I believe it would involve at least a $2 an hour raise plus GOOD INSURANCE. (I haven't been insured since '99...Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!) You have to be commissioned to drive the truck because you're driving the weapon (Bwhaha! *splat* Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!). As it is I have yet to have any manic symptoms-I'm never that perky...BUT, I cycle in and out of depression fast these days. Basically, when depressed anything my friends or family do or want from me is just "too much." I have no patience. Anything that I repressed annoyance about before (a lot, apparently) annoys me to the point that I will start yelling before I can stop myself, despite hating myself for it about five minutes later. I'm still semi-irrationally mad at a friend for calling me last week when I wasn't taking his calls-he thought I was mad at him...I wasn't until he kept freaking calling me three times a day. He knows I get like this. I felt like he was terrorizing me by cellphone. I damn near hurled my cellphone against the marble tile at work several times when he called me. I don't throw things at people, and I only throw my own things, but the occasional throwing and/or breaking of things does happen. I do get the slowed-down feeling-like I'm thinking through syrup...but I also have these repeat ruminations...they sort of start with repetitive "clips" of things I feel bad about having done-little full-color memory recordings that repeat, making me flinch each time. I usually feel like I deserve letting that progress to the next stage-the voice that tells me I'm worthless, That I'm never going to get any better, that I'm always going to be impoverished, sick, alone, going to lose my wife...that I deserve that. This may or may not come with the whole human stain bit...wherein I become convinced I'm a hopeless contamination. Then I start thinking about good ways to do myself in, of which I have at least one that will absolutely work...I'd just rather not leave a carcass for someone else to have to identify, bag, clean up, etc. That's a real logistical challenge-killing yourself in such a way as to leave no body whatsoever. I have a way to do that, but it would be complicated to set up, I'd have to mail-order some stuff. I doubt the alligators would do a thorough job, there'd be bits left. Anyway... I get down enough to where concocting suicide plans and numbing out so that I don't start crying at my job becomes my hobby for a few days, meanwhile forcing myself to be minimally productive and work out...and then I pull back out of it. It certainly never got this bad this fast before. It used to take me a good month to six weeks of not doing anything about my worsening problem for this level of misery to occur. I am contemplating trying a mood stabilizer for this reason. I have medical reasons it's really bad to get fat again though, and a lot of the mood stabilizers cause munchies. I'd rather try lithium first-but the county clinic won't do that. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
I can relate, Chimpkin and wish you the best. My episodes haven't been quite as severe of yours, but I could see myself experiencing them, because I have a few times. I'm a concoction of conflicts. I'm definitely a type A personality, perfectionist who expects nothing less from everyone around me. On top of that I lean to the left politically, respect the rights of others and hate what we are doing to the environment.
Eh, I'm ok with other people in charge...and I only demand that I be damn near perfect... It just seems terribly cruel to be as mean to others...as I am to myself. :bugeye::crazy: Pretty much close to you politically and environmentally in thought. Diabetes is a nasty little trainwreck of a diseasePlease Register or Log in to view the hidden image!. Hope your kidneys keep behaving themselves. Fingers crossed.
Creativity as therapy Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! “Moments to Die For” By Blind Pathos Something stole my sunrise Then stole my sunset too What’s left of my rainbow Is just these shades of blue Depression got my Mom And now it’s after me Taking life from my eyes Nothing’s left in what I see Short on drinks, short on songs Is it that my life’s too long I wait for moments in each day When darkness turns its face away I mine the silver lining Behind each stormy cloud I peek through misery’s curtain When ever it’s aloud With all those things to live for And all those things to die for Yet, I only watch and only wait While the moments seize my fate In the shadows of my faith Where there is no reason I take my place and wait it out For just another season When time crawls and clocks stop And I’m sweating IOU’s for sorrow That’s when the moments to die for Shine through and I can see tomorrow Life is short, death is long Have a laugh, sing a song For my time is up to God And, tomorrow may be gone Forgive an enemy, raise a glass Make a friend, forget the past For what life is, my friend Is only, while it lasts
in regards to the op, i suppose that depression could sneak up on you if it were a physiological cause and one day for whatever reason your neurotransmitters are all out of whack, but i'm not sure if that happens. i remember my dad saying that he could feel depression coming on him in a seemingly physical way, with no circumstances or thoughts in particular to attribute it to. another time i think it could seemingly sneak up on you is at the moment you lose hope. the moment would be different for everyone. it could be triggered by an event, or a culmination of things, but at that moment it's like you hit a brick wall head on, it's devastating, and there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop it from happening, or to stop it from hurting. it sucks. i don't think it's unusual for people living in a society like ours to feel hopeless, sad, angry or frustrated. obviously a lot of people do. my brother's hit that wall recently and i feel inclined to say to him, "so, you're unfulfilled huh?", and then just bust out laughing, because i think it makes sense to be unfulfilled with our lives. i think it's entirely appropriate for very valid and obvious reasons. so where do you go with that? what are you supposed to do with that? if my brother were to ask me for some advice, i think i would tell him to attempt to not be led around on a leash by his environment, his circumstances, and his emotions and instead, seek some level of objectivity that would allow those things to empower him and to change things. i make it sound so easy don't i? i know through experience it's the hardest thing in the world to do. but i also think it's not only a reason to live, but when you really believe in it, it can be a reason to want to live. i can testify that a perspective like that will change you regardless of what your environment, circumstances, and emotions have to say about it. and i think that if enough of a change occurred in enough people, over time those things would change as well. i wonder what we will become if we don't change, individually and collectively. if we continue to use drugs to suppress our symptoms so we can keep doing things the way we always have i envision a horrible downward spiral of self-loathing and self-destruction. if we keep taking drugs for generation after generation, who's to say what that will do to us as a species? we're going to evolve to be dependent on them. perhaps we already have. do you know that those pharmaceuticals aren't filtered out of our water supply? those and birth control pills. so now it doesn't matter if you're depressed or not, if you're drinking the water, you're taking the pill.
wow, can i kill a thread or what? fuck. i happened upon this interview today, which i've seen before, and i thought it might be good to share here... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v_yA4-nX8ac i began listening to his band afi back in 2003 when the singles from their record "sing the sorrow" were on the radio. i was first taken by the music, but then by the lyrics, and i worked my way back through their anthology. davey was not a happy guy. davey was miserable. "sing the sorrow" was not an exaggerated title. i became interested in what he was singing about because i recognized a desperate cry for help when i heard one. come to find out he doesn't explain his lyrics other than to say that they are him. in other words, they are a culmination of what he's experienced and how he feels about that. and it wasn't good. i mean the music was great. the lyrics were incredibly moving, but not representative of any experience or feelings that were good. it seems to me that davey is one of those people who can cling to a little bit of objectivity and hope, and because of that, is able to move mountains. this man claims that making music is cathartic for him, and i've seen his prolific work, and how impactive it's been on it's listeners. davey is an inspiration to a lot of people including me, and he seems a lot happier nowadays. i wonder how he would feel about pharmaceuticals. i wonder if he sees prozac in the same way he sees a beer or a joint. any straight-edgers out there that want to comment on that?
Agreed very much...and you just have to suck it up and "lump" it. Carry whatever burdens you have. In a more supportive society we might not have as many people on chemical crutches. But if you fall over without your crutches, you jolly well use them, no? Clearly part of my depression's chemical. Another part's as complicated as the society I live in. It's what I have to do to support myself in it, how I get around in that society and how outrageously expensive that is (the repairs on the car are gods-awful and gas keeps climbing), the cost of rent where I'd like to live not being anywhere near what I make, how isolated I am physically and socially, the food I eat, the sleep I get, the stuff that I need to do (Which ALWAYS works out to more than I can actually accomplish somehow...) the dilapidated old trailer house I live in, the mad-max commute to work, the fact that one crisis can wipe me out, the rumbling about government cuts that may mean I can't afford all my asthma medicines anymore, much less the antidepressants... The general feeling I get that things are going to get worse, nothing will be done, and the authorities who make life and death decisions about my precarious existence don't...care...in...the...slightest...whether...I...live...or...die. Okay, I need to stop thinking about this.
i really believe in a way to objectively overcome those burdens, due to a matter of perspective, and how that changes you, and how that change in you changes the world. that's why i asked that question of straight-edgers about pharmaceuticals. i don't like pills and i've been pretty fucking strung out, so i've used marijuana to keep my shit together, somewhat, emotionally, so i could function. function as in, have a job, drive a car, keep my house, interact with other humans. and i know that marijuana, at least for me, detaches me just enough from the noise of my environment and emotions, to gain a more objective glimpse of things. but i know you can also use marijuana to escape or numb yourself to the objective view of things. you know, it's my perspective that these burdens and these fears that people have lived under the weight of for as long as history is recorded actually does manifest biologically in the evolution of the human race. from the chemicals, natural and otherwise, raging through our bodies, to the food we eat, the water we drink, the air we breathe. how much time do you spend doing what you don't want to do?
