I was all happy and normal until she met a man at a gas station and started an affair with him. After months of fucking him, she finally kicked me out. This fucked me up- this is why I am on half the meds I am on... and this is worth something in an equitable court. As far as the $50 itself- $50 is what I want and need. She is offering $10, I want $50. $50 is enough for me to forget about her. No wriggle room- this is what I want to be satisfied. My lawyer drew up a settlement offer that's over $500,000 to me with all things considered. I am happy with 10% of that. I want to end it and be friends with her afterwords.
If she was the offending party, she had no claim to the house. Why the fuck would you write the house off to her?
you're not going to get any shit from me for this post. bottom line j, bad shit happens and it sucks. but 2 things...first, it is very, very rarely if ever, all the other person's fault. you need to be accountable. and secondly, no matter what happens...no matter who fucks around on you, or how much money you get or don't get...you have to be ok. again, be accountable. it's not ok to end up in a mental ward or on meds, not being able to cope, and not taking responsibility for your own life and well-being, and blaming someone else. what kind of role model are you being for your kids? take responsibility, get sober, get a job, and get over it. YOU HAVE TO. there's no other viable or fair option, so suck it up and just do it.
Duh, he IS taking responsibility. Where the hell did he say he was relying on anyone else to solve his problems?
No- I have problems with alcohol that I (eventually) need to deal with. And I know I need to MAN UP. But getting through this divorce wilol unfuck me in many ways- it will erase seven year old scars.
Getting yourself away from the alcohol and into a better way of treating yourself would be the best thing that you can do today for only you can control yourself not any other person, as I have stated before here. By putting off something that only you can deal with isn't a very good sign of someone who has any self worth or self control over themselves. You are only making matters worse the more you drink and not stop to think what destruction it is having upon your mind and body.
Really? Blaming his condition on his Ex, to the point of trying to commit suicide is NOT taking responsibility for his life. Really? Arthur
i don't really believe that j. a divorce doesn't erase anything. it's just a legal decree and nothing more than a piece of paper really. for all you know your circumstances could get worse. you could get nothing. the divorce could drag on for years. some unforeseen tragedy could blindside you at any moment. i hope not, but if they do, will that be your excuse to continue to self-destruct? my point is, that if that's what you want to do, there will always be an excuse. the way i see it, this world is full of really good reasons to self-destruct, and i have absolutely no hope that society will improve. i think it's going to get a lot worse. but regardless of circumstances self-destruction is incorrect. it's never the correct thing to do. it's a selfish thing to do. it's not that i'm unsympathetic. i've been through a divorce and it devastated me. i was only with him for 5 years and we didn't have any kids and it still devastated me. i was so sad. i felt like a hopeless failure, and i was done. i was done trying and for a long time i was so dead inside. just going through the motions of daily life, high, drunk, waiting to die. i was always too afraid to commit suicide, but i'd admire the thought of it a lot. then after several years, i went through something that made my life even worse. i didn't think that was possible, but oh, never underestimate the fucked up things life can throw at you. it was that fucked up spiritual experience i went through. i talk about it out here quite a bit, so i assume you're somewhat familiar with it. at first i was on top of the world, screaming "miracle, miracle!", but over time, i fell. i became increasingly frustrated, and isolated, and angry, and desperate, because things weren't turning out the way i thought they would, or thought they should. i felt tortured. i didn't understand and no one around me understood, and before i knew it i had progressed down the spiral to the point where i was looking at the same scenario and the same choice that you are. i wanted to give up completely. i felt justified. i blamed god, and i blamed other people who did in fact inflict this on me intentionally. i blamed society and the world for being so fucked up. i was angry with my family and friends for not trying harder to understand me and i felt justified in losing it entirely...loosing everything i had...everything i had worked so hard for my whole life. it all seemed like shit to me anyway. a big pile of failures. more than anything i was just pissed off, and by giving up my life it was like a big "fuck you" to the universe and everything in it. i wasn't insane; i was pissed off. i was tired. i felt like i didn't have anything left to give and no reason to try to. my life was a waste, and the thought of committing myself, and spending the rest of my days drugged up and staring at a television sounded...easy, and justified like i said. i had some damn good reasons to give up. i didn't do it for one reason and one reason only. i couldn't do that to the people who love me. i'm really blessed to have family and friends who really do love me, and i could not hurt them that way. staring at that decision made me realize that i could not continue to behave the way i had been, no matter how justified it was, and no matter how angry or frustrated or sad i was, it was not correct to continue to hurt the people who loved me that way...with my behavior, and my words, with self-destruction, by giving up. it wasn't right. i think that was the best realization i ever made in my entire life, because it forced me to climb out of that pit i had fallen into. it forced me to do whatever it took to stop that downward spiral, and it was hard. i had to stand up for myself and i had to find out what i was really made of, and you know what? i was impressed. i was surprised and impressed by what i was made of, and overcoming those challenges made me feel better about myself and more empowered than i had ever felt in my whole life. now i know that nothing could ever break me like that again and that's a great feeling. i feel invincible, and i know that you could feel that way too. try. i know this is hard to hear, but what your behavior is saying to your kids and to the woman who is putting up with you right now is, "i don't care enough about you".
I think I get to say,"Been there, done that, burned down the liquor store in the process." My divorce came quick, and so it was just during the active marriage that I suffered. I'm crazy anyway, and on a shitload of meds, and her cheating on me and taking off with kids didn't help. Here I am, though, 2 years later(plus a few months), married to a woman I wanted to be married to. We've both been cheated on and burned in the past, so we probably won't do that to each other. It's great. I asked for nothing but visitation. Yet here I am with physical custody I got a year ago, and I have 5 kids from this marriage. Man, money is not the most important consideration you have. Make the kids happy and find happiness in them. If she'll give you some cash, great, but if it's really f-ing you up to wait on this divorce and settlement, tell her nevermind, and you'll find quickly that there is a ton of help out there to solve your mentioned financial issues, you just have to look and ask for it and let go of your pride. Money is not worth your mental stability. You are useless without it, so guard it at almost all costs. Just my opinion, of course.
Oh yeah- as far as work. I worked from the age of 10 till 2002. By then she was making $70,000 a year which was hella money back then. Her mother had stage three cancer at that time and could no longer watch my then two year old daughter. I stopped working to take care of my daughter and her mom. I have had several jobs here in PA but none of them suited me. It's hard because I am overqualified for almost all jobs here in rural PA. She wanted to refi the house back in 2005 because in the year since she kicked me out she ran up $60,000 in credit card bills. She wanted to refi to get money to pay off her bills, but she couldn't because the house was under both our names. So she signed the PA house to me and I signed the NY house to her. I did the math based on the equity in the house and figured out it would be even if she gave me the PA house plus $16,500 cash which she did. She then refi'ed the house and had it reappraised from $125 to $355- the current value of the house. The bank gave her about $100,000 cash which she used to pay off her bills and go on vacation etc... Flashing ahead today, her house is under water. The equity owed is $300, her mortgage payment is almost $2,000 and the house is worth $250.
Yeah, she's not gonna give you that money. You just told me she's not. Why? She's greedy. And she can't manage money worth a damn. And she's a beeotch. You're wasting time you could be figuring out how to solve this some other way....at least that's what I think... I'm not saying don't try? But I think it's not something you should expect, or plan around happening. I think you should assume you will get NOTHING from her, because she's really good at wasting money, and if she's got it, she'll jolly well blow it. I've never had that much money in my freaking life, so I find it hard to imagine the concept of blowing it all on stupid BS, but hey, your ex has no problem with it! Plus I'll just bet at this point she'd rather spend it than give it to you (because she's a beeotch) so she will... In fact, you and she being married still, if she incurs debts, you'll be liable for them! Oh hell! Whip out the hacksaw and start cutting that chain.Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Hamtastic: hope you stay active, if we get a critical mass of nutters here, we can take over.
Hmmm??? Not saying this is necessarily the case here (though it may very well be), but this has become a rather fashionable euphemism for people who really mean to say: I worked in finance, doing very little and making a whole lot, and am consequently not qualified to do anything involving real skill or labor.
Oh no- I am a beast. I quit college to go co-own a deli with my brother. I made $500 cash per week for a 60 hour week. A couple of years into it and he developed a cocaine problem- I was pulling 80-90 hour weeks just to keep the joint open. I have no problem with hard work- I look forward to it. To me, work is a challenge- to work more than your co-worker; to do better. I am all ready to pull a 70 hour work week if the money and oppourtunity is there. But literally, 90% of the people here are HS graduates or less. And I have also run into situations here where they were hiring women and not men. I am ready, willing and able to pull my share of the rope, now where is that rope?
Ah, so it sounds more like a scenario in which you are, in fact, qualified for the position, but they are seeking those who are not qualified--so as to avoid having to pay an adequate wage, get away with all sorts of labor malpractice, and to, apparently, infuriate everyone who has to deal with the unqualified people. Just one of the many ugly faces of the globalization mentality. I can't recall a specific turning point, as it was more of a gradual transition, but there was a time when one would go to, say, a proper hardware store and avail oneself to the expertise of helpful and knowledgeable employees. This is still possible--in some small towns and larger cities--but such are rapidly being supplanted by the Home Depots, staffed with underpaid, underqualified employees.
There are different degrees of capability . Local hardware stores are better than home depot. Home depot and Lowes also higher local trade talent to do installs and then act like they own the craftsman . The salesman is more times than not in direct conflict with installation specialist. It is the salesman's job to sell product . They do and typically don't look back . Blame the installer is the name of the game . I do point out the misspoken words of a salesman any chance I get before it becomes a problem . My best work is to predict how it is going to go before it does . So predictable when you know the salesman pitch .
I am a computer nerd. Put me behind a computer and a phone and let me do my job. I am 6'3" and 260 lbs but I am not "the physical type"... I would rather use my mind as an occupation. Was always told "why aren't you playing football" throughout my teens and never saw a point to it.
I think you might be better served looking for a community that is slightly more mature for advice. And I'm not kidding even a little bit.
Well I decided to make peace with her which was easier than you'd think. And I think that is a big step because I was going out of my way to be a prick to her. These days she calls and I see her on the caller ID and answer it and chit chat with her- heck- a few days ago we spent over an hour talking about the good old days. I think my best course of action is to let the court system take its path. She will inevitably end up owing me, it's just a matter of how much. And $50K would be great in my wallet but so would $500 for 100 months. I trust you folks very much which is why I even started this thread and it's been helpful. You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it's worth it.
