Jokes and Funny Stories

My kind of exercise.

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Daily Exercise Routine For Seniors.

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Dick was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune.

One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "But in just a few years my father will die and I will inherit $200 million".

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later ... she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

 

Children Are Quick
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....
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TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher

 

Okay okay, I just came back from an Mormon Youth Leadership Conference and I have some funny stories from there. I'm gonna share one

So we have to "escort" girls everywhere and we have to ask a girl to formal dance and dinner right?

One of the girls' house leaders looked like she was a youth (she was kinda hot, not gonna lie) and so when it came to introductions I made that mistake. I forgot to warn friends, maybe a good thing

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So I got 5 friends that tried to ask her if they can escort her, I got two friends that tried to ask her out to the dance and one of them gave her chocolate. Speaking of awkward...it is hard to describe the looks on their faces but I wish I youtubed my friend's reactions...

 

Mormon Youth Leadership Conference, and to think you missed out on our new member MrMormon. Get caught up check out the new member introductions.

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Haha, we were already introduced

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If we get more Mormons on here, I might make a group called Sciforum Mormons

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Don't tell me you met at camp.

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On sciforums lol, not at camp

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Not really much of a camp if I'm living in a crappy townhouse residences in U of T Mississauga and shower twice a day (everybody does it for the girls lol).

 

Another funny story is the first time me and three of my new friends showed up at the girl's residences to try to get them to cook for us.

Nobody in my area knew how to cook, we didn't have microwave (the only form of cooking most of us knew), or a working oven (some of us knew how to use an oven).

So me and three guys who were brave (or was it stupid) enough volunteered to walk around the entire area collecting food that need to be baked or microwaved (because all our food was either cooked in the oven or microwave). We then showed up at the girl's doorsteps with a load of food. We were just lucky they didn't do something unimaginably disgusting to it or burn it...

 

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely i can't look that old? Well...you'll love this one.

My name is alice, and i was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his dds diploma on the wall which bore his full name. Suddenly, i remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that i had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, i quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, i asked him if he had attended morgan park high school.
'yes. Yes, i did. I'm a mustang,' he gleamed with pride.

‘when did you graduate?’ i asked.

He answered, 'in 1970. Why do you ask?'

‘you were in my class!’ i exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, , gray-haired, decrepit jerk asked,

‘what did you teach?’

 

Old people's txt:

GSOH -- "got salve on haemorrhoids".

 

Generations

People born before 1946 were called
The Silent generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called
The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called
Generation X.

People born between 1980 and 2010 are called
Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group Generation Y?

Y should I get a job?
Y should I leave home and find my own place?
Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?
Y should I clean my room?
Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?
Y should I buy any food?

But a cartoonist explained it very eloquently ...

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This is a very interesting topic. Funny enough! Thanks.

 

When I first found this topic I tried to read all the posts from the beginning. I didn't make it and when I post a new joke I never take the time to see if it's ever been posted before (to much like work for this topic

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)

Anyway welcome to the forum. I hate to judge anyone by their ID, but I would guess you are female and this forum could use a few more, so I hope you stick around for awhile.

 

This is a neck twister.

ALWAYS THINKING OF YOUR WELL BEING!
Simply because I care about you
& in my continual thought for my fellow computer friends,
I offer you...
Nurse Julia

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Neck Exercises to do at the computer

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THERE...MY WORK IS DONE!
YOU ARE VERY WELCOME... Be Yourself! All others are taken

 

A Well-Planned Retirement

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Outside England 's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant. The fees were 1 ticket for cars ($1.40), 5 tickets for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn't show up; so the Zoo Management called the City Council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The Council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the Zoo's own responsibility. The Zoo advised the Council that the attendant was a City employee. The City Council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the City payroll.

Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain , or France , or Italy... is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ...... and no one even knows his name.

Well all I can say is what a great job that guy had, collecting free money every day for 25 years.

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A Cardiologist's Funeral - short and funny

A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral
by the hospital he worked for most of his life... A huge heart... covered in
flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from
the hospital sat in awe.

Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..

At that point, one of the mourners just -burst- into laughter. When all
eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral... I'm a gynecologist.'

 

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