So my experience with death is that it is usually ushered in by a lengthy illness or old age. You know what to expect and have time to prepare. I learned today that a coworker died in a car accident, when i had just assumed he had been ill these past few days. I worked closely with him. He was in his mid twenties, funny and quite the character. We were not especially close, but I did liked him. Now he is no more. For some reason it feels odd that I had been talking with him only several days ago, and now we will never have that opportunity again. I feel no regrets. I just feel that I should memorialize his memory in some way, like with a bottle of wine or something
I have experienced a range of deaths. When I was 15, a girl friends dad was killed in a car accident, then at 16 another friend died from a heroin overdose. At 18, a couple of friends died in motorcycle crashes, then a girl friend died in a car crash when I was 21 and 2 more in another cycle crash. At 26 it was the new bride of a friend killed by a drunk driver on their wedding night. Been many more since, some with warning many without. I can always use them as a reason to break open a bottle.......Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
"No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main. If a clod be washed away by the sea, Europe is the less, as well as if a promontory were, as well as if a manor of thy friend's or of thine own were: any man's death diminishes me, because I am involved in mankind, and therefore never send to know for whom the bells tolls; it tolls for thee." so far I am (still) a survivor tic toc
This may seem a little over specific , but the closer we come to death ,the less our ideas about it have validity. They say you cannot take "it" with you and this applies to our assessments of what death entails for the object of the process. All our rationalisms will die along with us. So ,if someone says they understand what death "is" (as opposed to seeing how it plays out in human and animal societies and its relationship with "time", entropy etc etc) this needs to be taken with a grain of salt as their understanding ,no matter how superior it may appear to our own or others' also seems likely to fall short of describing the "real thing". That is just what I have been thinking about over the past while . Perhaps too obvious but I rarely hear it expressed like that.
When my youngest brother died of a heart attack at 56, I was surprised how much of an impact he had on so many lives.
My best friend in High School was killed in an auto accident @ 17. My wife's first husband died from a totally unexpected heart attack in his early 50s. It can come without any warning.
I was just informed yesterday that an old friend from many years ago recently died from stage 4 melanoma. The freind who told me said he really suffered badly on the way out. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! I think that is the real fear we have with death - suffering great pain and knowing it will end only when we do.....
I think there is also a fear of death per se but that as its physical reality approaches more clearly then that physical/mental aspect becomes prominent and the other one may fade from ones thoughts. I remember when George Harrison was attacked in his house by an intruder he claimed his concern that this person was depriving him of control over his manner of dying . BS or not BS ?(his perception) I don't know.
Alcohol is more than likely a bad idea. When my father passed away suddenly it nearly wrecked me. If I didn't already have a lawyer I could have gone mad. It was a criminal lawyer that defended me in court some years ago but he must of knew something about estate and money issues. To put a story short when the funeral came around I couldn't stop crying. I didn't take any time to mourn previously as I had been surppressing everything up to that point.
I have had friends in their 90's who said they were about ready to check out. It seems that you accumulate pains as you go along and at a certain point they become more than a nuisance. My mother was a felony-grade abuser, my father enabled her. When they died, I mourned some for both, but that was over pretty quickly. When my wonderful Lady Labrador Sandy (Sandra Joy) suddenly died of hemangiosarcoma 2 years ago May 14th, it broke my heart (my wife's as well). I still miss her every single day, it brings tears to my eyes when I think of her and I think about her every day. This despite that I have a current canine companion that I also very much love and appreciate. Sandy was a great love in my life, my parents.....eh, not-so-much. Their choice. I would suggest that the pain of the loss is proportionate to the joy the person has brought into your life.
When I was in 8th grade, a boy in the grade below me, who I knew (his sister was a friend of my sister), fell of a cliff while hiking and died. I had a cousin that died in her 40s from a sudden aneurysm in the brain. Dad died in his sleep while sitting in his recliner. While he had his health problems, its wasn't as if he was bed-ridden and was active up until the day he died. I had an aunt who died after a long battle with cancer. We had moved half the country away, but had made a trip back to visit family. We of course visited her, and by which time she was in the later stages. I remember that when we left her, it suddenly struck both my sister and I that it would be the last time we would ever see her, and we both started to cry. I don't know if that was harder or not than the deaths that came with no warning.
It always comes over strange when it's unexpected. In turbulent times, lots of shooting going on etc., you're not particularly shocked if someone you know is killed. Sad and angry, yes, maybe relived that it wasn't your turn, but not surprised. In times of epidemic, you expect the old and the very young to go and get upset if someone in their prime succumbs, but still no shock. Of course, we expect habitual drunks, speeders, brawlers and mountain-climbers to buy it - sometime, though not, perhaps, so soon.... When you've been lulled by easy times and a nice environment, sudden death usually comes in the form of an accident or heart attack. You'll be surprised how fast you get used to absence of a classmate, co-worker, dentist (couple of years ago, he skid into a tree) or neighbour. Relatives, lovers, close friends and pets are a whole lot harder to let go - it can take many years. The loss is proportional to where their place was in your life - at the edge or in the center. As for your colleague, the family is likely having a memorial or service of some kind. They'd appreciate it if you attended - families always like to see as many mourners as possible, to validate the life of a person who meant a lot to them - and it might be good for you, as well.
