The following excerpts are actual answers given on history tests and in Sunday school quizzes by children between 5th and 6th grade ages in Ohio. They were collected over a period of three years by two teachers. Read carefully for grammar, misplaced modifiers, and of course, spelling! ____________________________________________________ Ancient Egypt was old. It was inhabited by gypsies and mummies who all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate Of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere. ____________________________________________________ Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandos. He died before he ever reached Canada but the commandos made it. ____________________________________________________ Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines. He was an actual hysterical figure as well as being in the bible. It sounds like he was sort of busy too. ____________________________________________________ The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a young female moth. ____________________________________________________ Socrates was a famous old Greek teacher who went around giving People advice. They killed him. He later died from an overdose of wedlock which is apparently poisonous. After his death, his career suffered a Dramatic decline. ____________________________________________________ In the first Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java. The games were messier then than they show on TV now. ____________________________________________________ Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out "Same to you, Brutus." ____________________________________________________ Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw for reasons I don't really understand. The English and French still have problems. ____________________________________________________ Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen," As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah!" and that was the end of the fighting for a long while. ____________________________________________________ It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. ____________________________________________________ Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented Cigarettes and started smoking. ____________________________________________________ Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper which was very dangerous to all his men. ____________________________________________________ The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. ____________________________________________________Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He Wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Since then no one ever found it. ____________________________________________________ Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by Rubbing two cats backward and also declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." He was a naturalist for sure Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead. ____________________________________________________ Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's Mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. ____________________________________________________ On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got Shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career. ____________________________________________________ Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large. ____________________________________________________ Bethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf that he wrote loud music and became the father of rock and roll. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this. ____________________________________________________ The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. ____________________________________________________ Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. ____________________________________________________ Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits but I don't know why. ____________________________________________________ Charles Darwin was a naturalist. He wrote the Organ of the Species. It was very long people got upset about it and had trials to see if it was really true. He sort of said God's days were not just 24 hours but without watches who knew anyhow? I don't get it. ____________________________________________________ Madman Curie discovered radio. She was the first woman to do what she did. Other women have become scientists since her but they didn't get to find radios because they were already taken. ____________________________________________________ Karl Marx was one of the Marx Brothers. The other three were in the movies. Karl made speeches and started revolutions. Someone in the family had to have a job, I guess _____ Cheers Teri Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Those are great! A local church has a sign out front that says "Our freedom from God is worth fighting for" Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Some more: The theory of evolution was greatly objected to because it made man think. Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillers. The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now. To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in. The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation. A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat. The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours. The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs. To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending. The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects. The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat. We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks. English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse. If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence. Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire. Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident. A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold. A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle. Blood flows down one leg and up the other. A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter. The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul. When you haven't got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier. It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind. Humans are more intelligent than beasts because the human branes have more convulsions. For fainting: rub the person's chest, or if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth. For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it. For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body. For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat. For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative. Bar magnets have north and south poles, horseshoe magnets have east and west poles. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
Teri 2 great thread it would be ideal for a sticky result Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
What a riot! I think Art Linkletter made the statement, "Kids say the darnest things." (and write them too!)
Don't count politicians out: I can’t believe that we are going to let a majority of people decide what’s best for this state. – John Travis, Louisiana State Representative What to you mean, nepotism? He’s my brother! – Frank Rizzo, Mayor of Philadelphia, when questioned about appointing his brother as Fire Commissioner Statistics show that teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25. – Mary Ann Tebedo, Colorado State Representative We don’t want to open a box of Pandoras. – Bruce King, former Governor of New Mexico If English was good enough for Jesus Christ, then it’s good enough for me. – An Arkansas Congressman speaking to the Joint National Committee on Language
hm, that's funny.. i found this thread completely terrible, because i probably get the same email as spam once a month, and i've read the whole thing before.... let's just say it got O-L-D really fast.. :bugeye:
Some guys have all the luck. I had to sign up for it. And when I changed my e-mail account it took three months to get it back!
ok, we see these types of threads all the time here but this is the first time that ive been compelled to save one. fucking hilarious!!!! i actually had tears running down my face i was laughing so hard when i read the kids' bible essays. I agree, this ought to be a sticky. thnx for posting it.
I figured some may have seen this stuff before, but I hadn't, and thought it was funny enough to share. To the extra contributions, thanks - I loved them too. Cheers Teri
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that the "accident of evolution" had created. "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!", he said to himself. As he continued to walk alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing. He ran even faster, so scared that tears were coming to his eyes. He looked ver his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw, raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out "Oh my God!...." Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving. As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, "You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don't exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?" The atheist looked directly into the light. "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" "Very well," said the voice. The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed. Then the bear dropped his right paw ..... brought both paws together...bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful
some stuff I have collected Why not have your cake and eat it too - it's cake, what else are you going to do with it? I always try to go the extra mile at work, but my boss always finds me and brings me back. I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault. We all can't be heroes. Somebody has to sit on the sides and clap as they go by. If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. I date this boy for two years - and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.' I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time. All I ask for is the opportunity to prove that money doesn't buy happiness. I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. Think twice before you speak, especially if you intend to say what you think. I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said: The whole time. I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. Trouble's always a good shot, and in my case it has a laser sight. I haven't found Mr Right, but I have found Mr Cheap, Mr Sleazy and Mr Wrong. Nobody's perfect and since I'm nobody... I'm not myself today. Maybe I'm you. People in glass houses should always wear clothes. Be careful whose toes you step on today, they might be attached to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. When you fall off a horse don't get back on because the horse probably doesn't like you No one feels as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. It is better to be on the ground wishing you were flying, than vice versa. Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstyle you like. Look over there, you can hear them plain as day. "So many cheques, so little money." "It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way." "The light at the end of a tunnel may be an oncoming train." "On the other hand, you have different fingers." "As easy as 3.1415926535897932384626433832795028841." The best way to keep one's word is not to give it. Napoleon Bonaparte Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. I used to have a handle on life, then it broke. I don't drink water, fish piss in it . "Nobody gets out of the Bermuda Triangle. Not even for lunch." Polynesia: Memory loss in parrots. There's no future in time travel. Born free... Taxed to death. If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now. I have an open mind - it's just closed for repairs. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any. You're just jealous cause the voices only talk to me. Support Search & Rescue - GET LOST! He who laughs last thinks slowest! I like children. Properly cooked. W.C. Fields If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Success always occurs in private and failure in full public view. Rehab is for quitters. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Somebody who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism. To err is human. And stupid." "Even if you're paranoid, maybe they really are after you." "A friend in need is a pest indeed." "Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce." "Ask not for whom the bell tolls, let the machine get it." Sometimes too much drink is not enough. "A king's castle is his home." "Some women get excited about nothing and then marry him." "Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take too much of your spare time." "High explosives are applicable where truth and logic fail." "You're never too old to learn something stupid." "Enough research will tend to support your theory." Borstelmann's Rule: If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane. Even if you win the rat race, you're still a rat." "A penny saved is ridiculous!" Many people, when they run into a telephone pole, blame the pole! I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers. Is there another word for synonym? What year did Jesus think it was? Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. The statement below is true. The statement above is false. One good turn gets most of the blankets. Rather die living than live to die. Do files get embarrassed when they get unzipped? This shoe fits like a glove -Yogi Berra Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat. Jim Davis (Garfield the Cat) "All true wisdom is found on T-shirts." "If two wrongs don't make a right, try three." To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. Bald Guys never have a bad hair day. Don't kiss a fool, or let a kiss fool you Boycott shampoo. Demand real poo. Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. Wethern's Law Never eat anything at one sitting that you can't lift. Miss Piggy Fungus is actually alive. Be afraid. My parents made me what I am today. I'm thinking of suing. 90% of all statistics are made up You can't have everything...where would you put it? Never use intuition. Omar Bradley Never try to lick a glacier for some moisture. Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars I thought 'Where the hell is the ceiling?' Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. "If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried." Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. He who knows little quickly tells it.-Italian Proverb Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.-Rush Limbaugh In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday. Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana. Groucho Marx Getting what they deserve doesn't satisfy many people. Some folks sit and think, others just sit. If you are unkind, you are the wrong kind! If a cluttered desk is characteristic of a cluttered mind, what does an empty desk mean? Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay. You can't teach an old dog new tricks, but you can beat him repeatedly with a rolled up newspaper. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film. To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. Every morning is the dawn of a new error... Gravity is a bitch, the earth sucks. Many men smoke but fu manchu Surprise your friends, burn their houses down. When you're as great as I am, it's hard to be humble. Muhammad Ali Always behave like a duck - keep calm and unruffled on the surface but paddle like the devil underneath. Jacob Braude A flying saucer results when a nudist spills his coffee. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change. A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. This is my favorite time of day. Well, there it goes. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes. e-i-e-i-o is actually a gross misspelling of the word "farm". It is nice to be important, but it's more important to be nice. How beautiful it is to do nothing, and then rest afterwards. Spanish Proverb It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious. Most people do very efficiently what needs not be done at all. Photons have mass!?? I didn't even know they were Catholic... The easiest person to deceive is yourself. I think therefore I am... I think . Dejaja vu = "Have we met, Ms. Gabor?" Dijon vu = "This mustard tastes familiar." Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Daysa vu = "This is the same storyline they did on that other soap opera." Deja moo = "I swear that's the exact same cow we passed about six miles ago." I am in shape. Round is a shape. Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. If thine enemy offend thee, give his child a drum. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance. I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. Erma Bombeck, author If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic. Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before. An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. Van Roy's Law It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. The covers of this book are too far apart. Ambrose Bierce I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specific. "We're all in this alone." Lily Tomlin We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. If cats are so afraid of getting wet, why are they always licking themselves? I'm not only weird, I'm gifted too! Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. "Some drink at the fountain of knowledge...others just gargle." Laws are like sausages. It is better not to see them being made. Otto von Bismarck Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations when smoking is probhibited? An athiest is a man with no invisible means of support. John Buchan When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. "The two most common elements in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity."-Harlan Ellison My ambition is to live forever - so far, so good! If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. When your dreams turn to dust, vacuum! What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? "Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot." "Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs louder." "What the hell, go and put all your eggs in one basket." Do vegetarians eat animal crackers? A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. P. Erdos Agnes Allen's Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. Murphy's Laws If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. "What if this weren't a hypothetical question?" Always imitate the behavior of winners when you lose. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays. It is extraordinary how potent cheap music is. Noel Coward I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Any man who knows all the answers most likely misunderstood the questions. Strangers have the best candy. "Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA." Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. If it ain't broke, break it! It'll do you good. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. Don't put all your pigs in one basket. It'll get really heavy. "No, 'Eureka' is Greek for 'This bath is too hot.'" Dr. Who Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. Atheism is a non-prophet organization. Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. All things being equal, fat people use more soap. Gravity... not just a good idea: It's the LAW! The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets. Never wrestle with a pig: You both get all dirty, and the pig likes it. Give some people an inch and they think they are rulers. "Reality is an illusion created by alcoholic deficiency." The future ain't what it used to be.-Yogi Berra "What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over." Celibacy is not hereditary. First Law of Socio-Genetics There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives. "Time's fun when you're having flies." -- Kermit the Frog If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from? If you cannot get what you like, why not try to like what you get? If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan? If there is no God, who pops up the next tissue in the Kleenex box? "Very funny Scotty, now beam me down my clothes..." - Kirk "Poets have been curiously silent on the subject of cheese." G.K.Chesterton "Foosh. Aaughh!!" "Foosh. Aauuggghh!!" Cold spray deodorant.... If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. "Hard work never killed anybody...but why take chances?" I say no to drugs, They just don't listen... Old Celts never die. They just have harp failure. If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week I go to bed early. My favorite dream starts at nine. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full. Those nicotine patches seem to work really well, but I heard that's it's kinda hard to heep em' lit. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork. "There are three kinds of people: those who can count, and those who can't." The hardest part of skating is the ice I love defenceless animals, especially in a good gravy I went to a fight and a hockey game broke out. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast. When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded. 5 out of 4 people don't understand fractions. Dancing is a vertical expression of a horizontal desire. Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. I put a dollar in one of those change machines. Nothing changed. My phone number is 17. We got one of the early ones. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way. Statisticians know that if you put a man's head in a sauna and his feet in a deep freeze, he will feel pretty good-on the average. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? Color... it's just a pigment of your imagination. I'll never be satisfied until I'm too smart for my own good I never watch Sesame Street, I know most of that stuff. If I only had one tooth, I think I would brush it a real long time. "We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees." Jason Kidd Of all the things I've loved and lost, I miss my mind the most I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.-A. Whitney Brown Many who expect to be saved in the eleventh hour, die at ten-thirty. TV is chewing gum for the eyes. Frank Lloyd Wright. A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. Groucho Marx People who think they're perfect are very annoying to those of us who really are. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. Sleep... Oh! how I loathe those little slices of death.... Longfellow All jobs are easy to the person who doesn't have to do them. Holt's Law If it's 0 degrees today, and it's going to be twice as cold tomorrow, ...how cold will it be? If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills? If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell him a parkbench has just been painted, he has to touch it to be sure. I've gotta be me - everyone else was already taken. If you think education is expensive, Try Ignorance!!! --Andy McIntyre If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one? If things get better with age, I'm approaching magnificent! Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control. Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon! I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. You might as well take all of me - the parts you want aren't removable. Broken promises don't upset me. I just think, why did they believe me? You're so open-minded, your brains fell out If you can't convince them, confuse them. Harry S Truman A closed mouth gathers no feet. Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? -Jules Feiffer Never try to teach a pig to sing; you'll frustrate yourself and annoy the pig. "It is not the fall that kills you. it's the sudden stop at the end." D. Adams Out of my mind. Back in five minutes. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. A Smith & Wesson ALWAYS beats 4 Aces. Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together? Don't you think it's a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? I'll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on cd. Hot glass looks the same as cold glass. Cirino's Law of Burnt Fingers Tis better to be thought a fool, then to open your mouth and remove all doubt. Don't follow in my footsteps, because I run into a lot of walls. He who laughs last thinks slowest. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them. Ever stop to think and forget to start again? Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups. Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. F. P. Jones A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five. Groucho Marx Plagiarism saves time. Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply. Budget: A method for going broke methodically. Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull. "Start off every day with a smile and get it over with." W. C. Fields (1880-1946) "Virtue is it's own punishment." "Avoid reality at all costs." "No job is so simple that is can't be done wrong." "You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever." In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said: Cut it out! "Money is the root of all wealth." Some people are going to leave a mark on this world, while others will leave a stain. Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat? "When it comes to thought some people stop at nothing." A good pun is its own reword. A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer. "All general statements are false." A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions. Wilson Mizner I never think of the future. It comes soon enough. Albert Einstein Sanity calms, but madness is more interesting. John Russell It doesn't matter what temperature the room is; it's always room-temperature. Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. Someone's boring me. I think it's me. Dylan Thomas The bag that breaks is the one with the eggs. Someday is not a day of the week. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? - George Carlin When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? What happened to the first 6 "ups"? If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like? How can there be self-help groups? A good hot dog feeds the hand that bites it. Calvin: "Dad, what makes wind?" Dad: "Trees sneezing" I used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead. What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. Room service? Send up a larger room! -- Groucho Marx I thought about being born again, but my mother refused. 668: the neighbor of the beast. 0.666 -- Number of the Millibeast 1010011010 -- Binary of The Beast I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.-Emo Phillips Due to financial constraints, the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished. Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find there is nothing in it. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. Never forget that 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. We waste time, so you don't have to. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself. If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done. Sure, the truth hurts, but so does a machete. --- Bloodguilt I'm an enigma, or am I? --- PTSNIPES Happiness is merely the remission of pain. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense. There's no danger so pressing that it couldn't be worse --- Kender saying Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious. You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. Perversity of Nature Law If you can't beat em', arrange to have them beaten. Don't you hate it when life throws you a curveball and you forget to duck? If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. Young's Law: All great discoveries are made by mistakes. "Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life." If you love something. . .set it free. . .if it doesn't come back. . .hunt it down and kill it. A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. Caskie Stinnett There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation. My door says, "Go ahead and knock, I'm already disturbed." --- Kira119 Indecision is the key to flexibility. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it. It happens sometimes. People just explode. Natural causes. We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police. Jeff Marder Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether. If you're going to kick authority in the teeth, you might as well use two feet. Keith Richards By the time you can make the ends meet, they move the ends. Love at first sight is rather pointless without love at second sight, and third, and fourth... Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for. If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly? Not the brightest crayon in the box, now are we? There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot. Ten out of ten people surveyed in the street are pedestrians. Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister... Beer: Helping white guys dance since 1862 When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself. Peter O'Toole, The Ruling Class If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 'You want us to do WHAT?' - Ancient Chinese wall engineer. He's about as subtle as a chainsaw, but lacking the social grace. The only problem with mornings is that they happen too early in the day. Quote from the Boss: I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research. A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. Does your butt hurt? Because I have been staring at it for the past half hour. If I were bread, would you be my butter? Are you wearing lipstick? well mind if a taste it? I'm not Fred Flinstone but I can make your bed rock! You have 236 bones in your body, want one more? You must be tired, because you've been running through my mind all day! Do you have a quarter? My mom told me to call her when I fell in love. I don't even need a crystal ball to see myself in your future. I your left leg as Easter, and your right leg was Christmas, could I come visit you in between the holidays? You'd better start giving me mouth to mouth, because you just took my breath away. It's a good thing I've got a Porsche, 'cause you've got some dangerous curves. Did you know that the scientific term for a woman like you is beautimus maximus? Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. I'd buy you a drink, but I'd be jealous of the straw Do you believe in love at first sight or should I drive by again? If God is inside us, then i hope he likes fajita's, cause that's what he's getting. To YOU I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, What is this, some kind of joke? That was Zen. this is Tao. A dyslexic, agnostic insomniac - one who lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog... Make God laugh - plan for the future. When we talk to God it's called prayer. When God talks back it's called schizophrenia. And on the 8th day God said, OK Murphy, you take over. I disbelieved in reincarnation in my last life, too. Freedom *OF* religion includes freedom *FROM* religion. In the name of the Old Man, The Kid, and the Spook, Amen. You've given your life to Jesus, I've rented mine to Cthulhu. Sects, sects, sects. Is that all you monks ever think about? God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh. Voltaire In a crisis call for Isis! Jesus Saves! By using double coupons and shopping wisely. Give me some of that old-time Religion...HAIL ZEUS! Jesus loves you. Then again, so does Barney. Adam to Eve: I'll wear the plants in this family! "Worship the gods, listen to their advice, but don't lend them money." "Love thine enemies...it really pisses them off." "Atheists have no invisible means of support." A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. Winston S. Churchill (1874-1965) "Trust in God, but lock your car." In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, "Let there be Light." And there was still nothing, but you could see it. There are no accidents. God's just trying to remain anonymous. Maybe this world is another planet's hell. Aldous Huxley There is no room for God in my world. Probably why he has a nice place of his own. On the sixth day, God created the platypus. And God said: let's see the evolutionists try and figure this one out. I'm a polyathiest-there are many gods I don't believe in Daniel Fouts III God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I'm so far behind I will never die! "I'm not an atheist, I believe in me." Gray hair is God's graffiti. Bill Cosby "We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually produce a masterpiece. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true." Eyler Coates Boys will be boys... and so will a lot of middle aged men! Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you're in it, but the longer you stay the more wrinkled you get. "I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting to get into the bathroom." -- Bob Hope Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea - massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and a source of mind - boggling amounts of excrement when you least expect it. - Gene Spafford,1992 In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats. - English proverb Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this. Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies. - Gene Hill At least dogs do what you tell them to do. Cats take a message and get back to you. Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow. - Jeff Valdez Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it. Dog's have owners. Cat's have staff. I had to get rid of my wife. The cat was allergic. Don't talk about yourself so much... we'll do that when you leave. Hospitality: Making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were. Vuja De: That feeling you've never been here before. Don't cry over spilt milk, it makes it salty for the cats. WARNING: I cannot be help responsible for the above, as apparently my cats have learned how to type. The truth is out there? Does anyone know the URL? When 900 years old you reach, look as good, you will not. - Yoda The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius. We're having creative differences. I'm creative, you're different. I read your mind, and trust me, it was a short story... As seen above a urinal: What are you looking up here for? The real joke is in your hands. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'u' and 'i' closer together. Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head. If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it. A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic. Joseph Stalin A tree never hits an automobile except in self-defence. I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing. You are what you eat. The more you cry, the less you have to pee. I've got a vision; I'm just having trouble putting feet on it. --- Jim Herrin Cats rule. Dogs drool. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light. If mice is the plural of mouse, why isn't the plural of spouse spice? - Ladee Niall Te audire no possum. Musa sapientum fixa est in aure. - I can't hear you. I have a banana in my ear. It's not the pace of life that concerns me, it's the sudden stop at the end. I love being the hostess. It's so easy to get home at the end of the night. I don't exercise. If God wanted me to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor. - Joan Rivers Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. A memory is what is left when something happens and does not completely unhappen. Edward de Bono Calm down-it's only ones and zeros. Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. -Katharine Hepburn Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs." The world is more complicated than most of our theories make it out to be. And G-d said: Let there be vodka! And He saw that it was good. Then G-d said: Let there be light! And then He said: Whoa - too much light. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. I used to have a photographic memory, but it was never developed... Transvestites are men who like to eat, drink, and be Mary. Spotted on the back of a t-shirt worn by LAPD Bomb Squad: If you see me running, try to keep up. It will be a great day when our schools have all the money they need and the Air Force has to hold a bake sale to buy a new bomber. It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? This morning I looked down at my unmade bed and decided that it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it? Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? How do you know when yogurt goes bad? Crime doesn't pay... does that mean my job is a crime? If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go? When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? How can something be 'new and improved'? If it's new what was it improving on? When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it? How is it possible to have a civil war? If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? If a cigarette smoker wakes up from a 7-year coma, does he want a cigarette? Why doesn't DOS ever say: EXCELLENT command or filename? If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like? Does a person ever get sick without being tired? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is Greenland icy, and Iceland green? How do 'Do Not Walk On Grass' signs get there? Why is it that when we ship something by truck, it's called a shipment but if we send something by ship, it's called cargo? If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn? Why is it that when a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment, but when a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95/minute? How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink? Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra? Did Noah keep his bees in archives? How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold? How can there be self-help GROUPS? Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? If a picture is worth a thousand words, what is a picture of a thousand words worth? If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit? Why can't you make another word using all the letters in 'anagram'? What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes? Elvis is dead, Mozart is dead, Einstein is dead, and I'm not feeling so great myself. They say when nature calls you should answer it, I say let the answering machine get it. I doubt therefore I might be. Every 10 seconds, somewhere on this earth, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. We've Upped Our Quality, So Up Yours! Why are you here, and what can I do to change that? A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. - Herbert Prochnow Pull here for an Arts degree. (Seen on toilet paper dispenser) Carpe diem - Sieze the day; Carp in denim - There's a fish in my pants! If you're not living life on the edge, your wasting space. If you lost your left arm, your right arm would be left. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. Familiarity breeds children. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer Never, ever make absolute, unconditional statements. If you're not part of the solution, be part of the problem! Live life to the fullest... think of all the people on the Titanic who passed up chocolate dessert. According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist. The trouble with work is... it's so daily. They can't fire me, slaves have to be sold. A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. A day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Your mind is like a taco: the more you cram into it, the more that's going to fall out. Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. 1 out of 3 people can't read this, you stupid schmoo. A leading authority is someone lucky who guessed right. Inside every short man is a tall man doubled over in pain. Earn cash in your spare time-blackmail your friends. Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. Fletcher Knebel The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread. Patience will come to he who waits for it. "Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly." Batman Costume warning label How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? Charlie was a Chemist, but Charlie is no more. What Charlie thought was H20 was H2SO4. Socialism and Fascism are for people who like their dictatorships obvious. I wish life had an UNDO function. What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick. Tea or coffee? Coffee, without cream, please. It will be without milk, we have no cream. Feet Smell? Nose Run? Hey, you're upside down! Give blood - play hockey. Just remember, if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain. Why am I frowning? It takes 43 muscles to frown and only 17 to smile and I need the exercise! What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef. Above all else: Sky. Crime doesn't pay, but the hours are good. 100% of studies show that if you don't eat, you'll get hungry. As I said before, I never repeat myself. Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts Don't squat with your spurs on or play leapfrog with a unicorn. "It's not pre-marital sex, unless you are gonna get married." "Beware of any enterprise that requires new clothing." - Henry David Thoreau "Bad taste is better than no taste at all." - Vic the Slick The road to life is always under construction!! "I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are." "Daddy, are we lost?"..."Shut up", he explained -Ring Lardner "Go, and never darken my towels, again" -Groucho, in "Duck Soup" "Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people." The heart of a fool is in his mouth. But the mouth of a wise man is in his heart. Only those who live dangerously can rejoice fully. No one can make a brand new start but you can start now and make a brand new ending. I'm not completly crazy! Some parts are still missing. Only women with PMS should be allowed in combat. You can't fall off the floor. It's easier to nail jello to a tree than it is to find a good man! Cats regard people as warmblooded furniture - Jacquelyn Mitchard I find that a great way to deal with a crisis is to act like a deranged, headless chicken. No matter where you are, there you are! Give life your best, it will return the favor "Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, and dance like nobody's watching." Few things in life are as satifying as seeing your own children have teenagers Love is like a bird when you least expect it, it craps in your face. If you can't say anything nice...come sit by us. The Force. It surrounds us. It enfolds us. It gets us dates on Saturday Nights. - Obi Wan Kenobi Princess Leia: @(-_-)@ The force is like Duct Tape - it has a dark side, it has a light side, and it binds the universe together! Reality is for people who can't handle Star Trek. Don't let Kirk show you what he affectionately calls the 'Captain's Log' "Captain, I cannot believe my ears!" - Spock In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in the proper order then why can't he? Star trekkin' across the Universe, boldly going forward 'cuz we can't find reverse! Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. Do people want fire that can be fitted nasally? We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty. -Vroomfondel His only brother was long ago nibbled to death by an okapi. Relax and Enjoy Your Shoes! Well, I wish you'd just tell me, rather than try to engage my enthusiasm. I haven't got one. - Marvin You want me to suck your towel? -Zaphod Beeblebrox Get off me, you filthy sofa! - Arthur Dent One should never throw the letter Q into a privet bush, but unfortunately there are times when it is unavoidable. I think the only reason I waste my breath on you is that being dead I don't have any other use for it. Know what I'm thinking? No. Neither do I; frightening, isn't it? I thought it was that the planet was going to be invaded by a gigantic swarm of twelve-foot piranha bees. "Beat it, before you get it beaten for you."-Mr. Desiato's bodyguard Do you prefer Spanish, French or Italian cooking? I don't mind. I want a boiled egg. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of Smart. People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either of them being made. Paper is always strongest at the perforations. Therapy helps, but screaming obscenities is cheaper. Whoever said money can't buy everything didn't know where to shop. We reserve the right to arm bears. Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? - John Mendoza Cultivate an interest in the classics: seduce a senior citizen tonight. Be alert - the world needs more lerts. Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once. I like feminists - I think they're cute. Gravity always wins. A little greed can get you lots of stuff. A hen is an egg's way of making another egg. How to become immortal: Read this again tomorrow and follow its advice. Life is what you make of it...kinda like Play-Doh Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with. Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway. A waist is a terrible thing to mind. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style. Never anger a dragon, for you are crunchy and you go well with Brie. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks. Children aren't happy without something to ignore, And that's what parents were created for. - Ogden Nash One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with a wooden stake. - Jack Handy Taste is the enemy of creativity. - Pablo Picasso I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it. - Groucho Marx I don't really enjoy sex. I just pretend I do to get girls to sleep with me. - Byron Alley When I got to the top of Everest, I was tired. - Aracelli Segarra Do not hit at all if it can be avoided, but never hit softly. - Theodore Roosevelt All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are Socrates. - Woody Allen. Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography. - Paul Rodriguez Judge a man by his questions rather than his answers. - Voltaire Let us endeavour to live so that when we come to die even the undertaker will be sorry. - Mark Twain Tact is the ability to describe others as they see themselves. - Abraham Lincoln Ever notice that 'What the hell' is always the right decision? - Marilyn Monroe Never say 'OOPS!' always say 'Ah, Interesting!' Scientists say 1 out of every 4 people is crazy, check 3 friends, if they are ok, you're it. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it. Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! If you can't beat your computer at chess, try kickboxing. He who laughs, lasts. Life is tough, get a helmet. Be like a postage stamp - stick to one thing until you get there. You are what you eat. So stay away from the jerk chicken. Drink varnish and you'll get a lovely finish. Take the road not taken - the leaves crunch that much louder! Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. Price. Quality. Service: Pick two. "Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please. If you are not person to do such thing is please not to read notis." In a Tokyo Hotel "The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable." -In a Bucharest Hotel Lobby "Order your summers suit. Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation." In a Rhodes tailor shop If life was a box of chocolates, it'd be pretty empty. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder... If too much love will kill you, I'm the healthiest person in the world. A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. Steve Wright Tell your little voices to SHUT UP! I can't hear mine... Sometimes I think well. And sometimes I think: Oh well... Those are my principles. If you don't like them, I have others. Could you please step away from the bar? You're melting all the ice. A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in. Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away! Dieting: Wishful shrinking. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it. I just got lost in thought... It was unfamiliar territory. I love my work, I could sit and watch it all day long. Plan ahead: It wasn't raining when Noah built the ark! Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? Life is a bowl full of cherries, but mine only contains the pits. Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. Black holes were created when God divided by 0. All that glitters has a high refractive index. Assassins do it from behind. Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book? They all have phones. Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. I'd rather be rich than stupid. Some people have a way with words, while others... erm... thingy. Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time. I am having an out of money experience. Save time... see it my way. I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that. Some day my ship will come in, but with my luck, I'll be at the airport. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through... I know exactly what I think about all this, but I can never find words to put it in. Maybe if I get a little drunk I could dance it for you. I lost my phone number, can I borrow yours? Si hoc legere scis numium eruditionis habes. - If you can read this, you're overeducated. Children are a great comfort in your old age-and they help you reach it faster, too. -Lionel Kauffman Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. A cheap shot is a terrible thing to waste. I always win. Except when I lose, but then I just don't count it. I don't think so, therefore I'm probably not. I'm serious. It was a joke. It's been lovely, but I must scream now. I used to work in an orange juice factory, until I got canned. Yeah, they put the squeeze on me, said I couldn't concentrate. You know, same old boring rind over and over again. If I want your opinion... I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. - Jack Handy Can atheists get insurance for acts of God? Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. - Homer Simpson Don't make love by the garden gate, love is blind but the neighbors ain't. I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator. Wood's Incomplete Maxims: All's well that ends. A penny saved is a penny. Don't leave things unfinishe. Ah, mind-taxing time again, is it? -Marvin A man who smiles when things go wrong knows who to blame. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken. "I still say a church steeple with a lightening rod on top shows a lack of confidence." -Doug McLeod A guy walks into a bar... and says: Ouch. This isn't burger king, you can't have it your way. Under these clothes, I'm as naked as a bee. - Jon Lovitz Probably the saddest thing you'll ever see is a mosquito sucking on a mummy. Forget it little friend. It's your life, I'm just passing through. It said: 'Insert disk 3...' but only 2 fit in the drive. I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose. I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them. My mind has always been my Achilles heel. I lost my teddy bear, can I sleep with you instead? Don't judge a book by its movie. If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people. Blessed is he who sits on a pin, for he will rise again. Being superstitious brings bad luck. Paper clip: The larval stage of coat hangers. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all? My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday. Push to test... Release to detonate. Character is what you are. Reputation is what people THINK you are. I'll live forever or die trying The British have a reputation for keeping calm even when there is no crisis. Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it. - Marvin If I ever meet myself, I'll hit myself so hard I won't know what's hit me. - Zaphod Beeblebrox Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work. - Thomas Edison The secret to finding something is knowing where it is "Don't MAKE me come down there" - God I may be inconsistent, but not all the time. I've got a plan so cunning, you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel. A Nobel Peace Prize? I would KILL for one of those. I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. I am not under tha affluence of inchol! - some guy at a party May your trouble be like the old man's teeth... few and far between. A language is a dialect with an army. Cole's Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant. The population is growing. Love has reasons that reason knows nothing of. 'God is dead.' - Nietzsche 'Nietzsche is dead' - God If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me. Help beautify our dumps. Throw away something pretty. Today is the tomorrow you were so worried about yesterday! Beer contains Vitamin Pee. A seminar on time travel will be held in two weeks ago. A foolproof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block of marble, then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. I believe in dragons, good men, and other fantasy creatures. It's *Miss* Bitch to you. Reality is a big, nasty vicous dragon, but I don't believe in dragons. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent. The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made. If we quit voting will they all go away? I'm not cynical. Just experienced. Your childs future is in your hands. (seen above a urinal) Never test the depth of the water with both feet. So many cats. So few recipes. My God is alive - sorry about yours. Love letters, business contracts and money do always arrive three weeks late, whereas junk mail arrives the day it was sent. Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. May you live as long as you want - and never want as long as you live. People who are wrapped up in themselves make very small packages. If it weren't for caffeine I'd have no personality whatsoever! If you can read this, thank a teacher. - Anonymous teacher Courage atrophies from lack of use. If it ain't broke, don't fix it. If you broke it, blame the closest person to you. Being politically correct means always having to say you're sorry I like nonsense, it awakens the brain cells. Everything goes on forever since the fat lady retired. It's only fun if you can get in trouble. The only real difference between me and everyone else is DNA. The rest is just politics. People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to pick on rich women than biker gangs. All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound? A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from? A $1.25 box of Cheerios will float, but a million-dollar luxury liner won't. The secret to life is that there is no secret. Efficiency is intelligent laziness. Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. As I said before, I never repeat myself. I think, therefore, I am... not related to you. Never run into debt, not if you can find anything else to run into. Money can't buy happiness; it can, however, rent it. It ain't necessarily so. -Gershwin's Law Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. "When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor." -From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo art is a lie which makes you realize the truth...picasso Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't. --Dr. Suess Words are cheap, but you can't buy them back! All that is free, cost something later. Smith&Wesson, the original Point And Click Interface Dance like nobody's watching.... We all need a laugh now and then. A father carries pictures where his money used to be. This life is a test, only a test. If it had been real you would have received further intructions on where to go and what to do! In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on... -Robert Frost My karma ran over your dogma. The trouble with getting a life is making the payments. Statistics show every two minutes another statistic is created. Remember that the most beautiful things in the world are useles: peacocks and lillies, for instance. When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half. People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life. Time spent with cats is never wasted. There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats. Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are G-d. A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call. Escalators would help on steep uphill sections. I locked my coathanger in the car. Good thing I had a key. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it. Your friend is the one who knows all about you and still likes you. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Most people deserve each other. Where subtlety fails us we must simply make do with cream pies. Pardon me, waiter. I like my water diluted. Bad habits are like comfortable bed... easy to get into, but hard to get out of. Money talks...but all mine ever says is good-bye Common sense isn't Good generally conquers evil. Unless, of course, good is stupid. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand. A chat with you, and death loses its sting! "Scattered showers my ass." - Noah Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. The cigarette does the smoking, you're just the sucker. Life is unsure, always eat your dessert first. Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. "Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another." --Ambrose Bierce "Luck can't last a lifetime unless you die young." -Russel Banks "A clear conscience is a continual Christmas" - Benjamin Franklin its not that I don't want to clean my room its just that i have this theory that everything is balanced just right and if i attempt to move anything the whole structure of the house will come down like a house of cards I had a friend once. Then the rope broke and he got away. He who throws mud loses ground. Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved. Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music. Taste is the enemy of creativity. - Pablo Picasso Love has reasons that reason knows nothing of. Accidents don't just happen. They must be carelessly planned. How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes? Gravitation can not be held responsible for people falling in love. Albert Einstein A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose. Reality can be beaten with enough imagination. A man's house is his hassle. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face. Happiness is like a precious Ming vase balanced on the head of a dancing drunk. A dress makes no sense unless it inspires men to want to take it off you Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? -- Steven Wright It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the devil when he is the only explanation of it. -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live in eucalyptus trees. My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one. -- Groucho Marx Arguing on the Internet is like Special Olympics - even if you win, you're still a retard! Irony is wasted on the stupid. Do you know the difference between a whore and a bitch? A whore sleeps with everyone, a bitch sleeps with everyone but you! Anyone not sure if they are a slut or not is a slut
