"rip, rip, blood, dlood, pain. these demons live in me"-Anguish

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by cthulhus slave, Aug 15, 2003.

  1. Xev Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    10,943
    Slave, ignore him. He's simply trolling to piss you off.

    No Slave, it doesn't. It means you feel more intensely than most. And coping with that is hell, and fuck you for hating yourself because of it.
    And yeah, you could drug yourself into stopping it. Enough antidepressents and you can walk around in a painless haze. And this would mean that you're dealing with it in a sane way - it's what a lot of people do.
    Would that make you any better?
    You're the only person who'll ever give a fuck about you, and you're wasting that by hating yourself.
    Yeah, so I'm a fucking hypocrite for saying that.
     
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  3. Guyute Senior Member Registered Senior Member

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    916
    You are a good person Cthulhus.....i dont want you to hurt yourself......mabye find other things that will make you feel the same way that you do when you cut. There are always other things....the world is a big place......explore a little.....

    By the way....were does you screen name originate from?

    Peace,

    -Guyute
     
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  5. cthulhus slave evil servant Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    754
    ripple... i dont how to put this...

    wait a sec, yes i do, i hate you.


    and goyute,
    my name originated from many of hpl's books about the god of destruction and insanity, cthulhu.


    ripple,
    i dont wish to kill people for there opinions.
    and hell yah i have anger isues!

    ripple, ripple, ripple. you are stereotyping too much. dont make such minute guesses and attempts at figuering me out. the odds are most of what i post is venting, or what im thinkign at that particular sychotic instants.
    and i pitty this world if u somehoe become a real clinical sychiatris... your poor pasients.
    i dont want a profesianls help. i might at some point but i want to try to figure msyelf out first.
    and news flash, nothing uve said is news! dont think i dont know about what i do. ive been trying to figure it out just as much as you, but unlike you, i know first hand. i know how it feels to need to taste that blood, to hear your flesh ripping, to feel the rush of numbness as my body and mind enters the haze when all i feel is the throbbing in my wounds. from what ive learnd 1st hand in the couple years ive been cutting is most deifnitly comparable to what youve learnd in however long youve been trying to figure this out.
    but you cant. if we cant figure ourselevs out how is some1 only realieng on what we say going to be able to?
    you have no idea how it feels ripple...
    my parents? i said smthing about them...
    my mom im sertain will understand. and im going to tell her.
    anyday now, tommarow if i can amke it, im going down to b&n to pic up some book son it to give her. il sit her down. tell her what i need to.
    i have to get thru this one my own, but i need someone to atleast know what it is i need to do n my own.
    i dont want a sychologist/sychiatrist/therapist or whatever right now. i said that and i well may say it again.
    im doing my best to figure myself out.



    today i cried for an hour while punching the wooden frame around the bottum of my bed till my hands bruised, so right now typing is no fun.
    its been years since ive cried... i needed to. im not ashamed of it at all. what shocked me was what i was half incoherently screaming at myslef while a corner of my pillow was down my throat so no1 would hear.
    because i realised everything i was letting out and saying, much of wich i havent even admited to myself, was true!
    about how i hate my mom for not noticing yet.
    about how much i hate myself for doing this to me.
    about how much i hate evry one.
    about the ten thousand times i screamed "I FUCKIN HATE YOU!" to no one in particular.
    about how all my friends hate me, but that i knew already.


    ripple, dont tell me why i do what i do, what started it, or how il stop. you cant know any of that, especialy over an internet forum.
    only i know why i do this. only i know how much i hate myself for doing this. only i can begin to know why i have to stop.
    its not that im going to kill myself or that im afraid il cripple myself.
    its because its making me even more misserable.
    because every time i cut the numbness, the closest thing i have to joy, comes then. but before long, when i comt back tot he real world, i hate myself even more. an di hate myself so i cut again to end the hatred.
    and i hate myself for making the sychle go on...
    only i can help me.
    no one eles can hellp me do this.
    all i can do is ask them to understand and remove a part of the load off my pain. i cant handle any more when what ive got is too much. just get rid of the secrets im keeping from every eles an dhopefully what im keeping from me might com eout again too.
    i need my parents to know. so im telling them. ive got a list of books and sights for them to see. ive got a speech all plotted out in my mind.

    ripple, stop trying to understand me, you cant. its very agrevating when you are doing your best to understand youself and some1 elese is trying to contradict every revolation you have in your search.

    if you havent noticed im calm right now. i cut before getting online.
    the blood is crusting on my shoulders.
    there are still tearstains and little red flecs of dried blood on my shirt.
    i cant just stop cold turkey. id go insane.
    and i cant just remove the problem that makes me cut, because the problem is deeply rooted in me. its nothing outside.
    unless u think i can stop every insult, every deperssing thought, every random comment that triggers somthing in me.

    my other real reson for stopping is to be myself.
    i hate this mask i wear allt he time. this tough mask.
    how im never emberassed no matter what happens to me.
    how i can just smile a shrug off every mistakle i make.
    how the jokes and insults just go past me and i dont even bother to look like i hear them.
    untill im alone. untill i take out the blade.
    and im sick of hating myself all the time.
    im tired of never having friends because they might find out too much. i have to stop right now...
    but first i need to let them know...

    and im sick of having no futer other than being alone and hurt.
    i want more for myself.
    it never matterd how many people tolld me that, if they would bother too.
    no one cares.
    so i have too.
    im stopping for me and no one eles and no one can help me.
    it took that hour of tears runing down my face mixing with blood on my shit while i screamed and sobebd everythng that i never tolld myself.
    i dont hate myself and i want to stop thinking i do.
    you guys keep saying im not insane. but your lieing.
    i may be sane at times but when i cut you try calling me sane.
    you try calling me human when you see me laying in my bed drawing blood with robotic presision like i have done a million times before...
    and you couldnt call me sane when i get so mad i kick a hole in the wall or get a bucket of whine bottles just to smash them or when get so mad i just cant take it...

    and after seeing all that try calling me sane when im laying in bed at night wanting too kill my family for no reason... but i know i have no reason other than that they dont know im plotting theyr slow torturus downfall all night long while i lie awake in a sychopathic gaze staring at my cieling.
    call me sane when i go 4 days without eating or sleeping because im feeling scuicidal and cant cut because im afraid id kill myself.
    and you couldnt call me sane when i myself can feel my reallity crumble and the reall one desolve leaving me wandering what i feel, whats reall, weather what im hearing is really there or some hallucination...


    and i dont like being like that so i have to stop

    ive realised that what ive been blaming my cutting on actualy came from the cutting.
    and the cutting came because the sane world was too much...
    so where does that leave me?
    my insanity scares me but the reall world is what drove me there.....


    given a choice id rather live the one that i can prove is reall.
    the one where i dont lay awake at night wondering if il kill myself tomarrow.

    btw im not going to take any meds. i started this cutting so i can end it.

    and last i would like to thank a certain girl- she knows who she is- whos life crumbled. who went thru this a thouand times worse and a thousand times more. a girl who used to mean a world to me but who thru her life away to her own madnes. she made me realise where i was going...
    and even though i hate her for what shes done to herself i still love her... and i must thank her, in a sick way, because her downfall is what made me change...
    i'l miss you ren. you may not be dead but your sure not alive anymore...



    that was long and absolutly made no sence.
    i had a lot to say so i said it...
     
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  7. ripleofdeath Registered Senior Member

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    2,762
    cthulhus slave

    the hate you feel, is it because i am trying to help you
    after you have asked for it?

    im not asking for thank you letters

    i am not trying to understand you because to understand another persons perspective is obviousely impossible based on the fact that we are all different

    if in fact you are at the stage you are talking about
    i would suggest that you start being honest to yourself about all things
    that does not mean you have to go around telling everyone what you think

    and about your claim of venting well thats realy good that you think you can do that as a form of self help
    if for one hyperthetical example you choose to consider all of sciforums just computers instead of real people
    then would it have or give you the same result or feeling from venting to computers
    i dont think so but i could be wrong
    that is a concept to suggest the need to communicate with people about it

    I AM NOT SUGGESTING YOU GO OUT AND PUT IN AN ORDER FOR SOME DRUGS FROM YOUR LOCAL DOCTOR LIKE THE t.v ADVERTS TELL YOU TO


    that was Xev trying to swing her perception of what i might be thinking and then suggesting it to you as what i had said or suggested
    THAT IS WRONG I DID NOT SAY THAT OR SUGGEST IT


    are you an only child

    you speak about people who you describe as friends then say you dont have any friends
    being honest with yourself does not mean you have to divulge your deepest secret unless you want to ask for those people to accept it so you can discuss it with them


    just remember your parents will be going though the same if not more learning about the whole thing than you will
    and have feelings that they may try to hide from you to help support you as a show of strength
    they will most likely feel a larger gap in understanding between you and them because of this and will have to deal with their own issues at the same time

    good luck on your recovery
     
  8. Mrs.Lucysnow Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    9,879
    "you guys keep saying im not insane. but your lieing.
    i may be sane at times but when i cut you try calling me sane.
    you try calling me human when you see me laying in my bed drawing blood with robotic presision like i have done a million times before...
    and you couldnt call me sane when i get so mad i kick a hole in the wall or get a bucket of whine bottles just to smash them or when get so mad i just cant take it..."

    Yea I would call it human C-Slave, it may not be healthy but health is not a requirement for being a human being. If you are not human and sane for expressing your rage then neither am I and I don't know anyone (who is honest) that could call themselves such either.

    It is those who pretend to not suffer (or have suffered) or know rage, hate, loneliness and pain that are insane. What most people define as sanity is really social pretense and hypocrisy. People only look sane on the surface, dig a little deeper and there is a hornets nest of muck. What i find more important than what larry the crackpot would call sanity is lack of guile...and you certainly have that.

    You wrote: my insanity scares me but the reall world is what drove me there.....

    Well then it is not you who are insane but a sane person reacting to insanity. Normal under the circumstance. Cut yourself some slack why don't you. The feelings are NORMAL you just manifest them differently. There are many methods for coping and you have chosen cutting and suffering is what has brought you to it. You will eventually help yourself.


    PS: So what you want to kill your family! If my mother only knew how often I had murdered her she would never see me again

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    Last edited: Aug 20, 2003
  9. Squashbuckler Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    194
    A waste of human potential.

    You should have seem my face when I first read what you do to yourself.
    The first thing that came to my mind was disgust.
    It was sheer and utter disgust that someone with waste such a life. But it makes perfect sense. Self immolation is taught everywhere.


    You alone must value your life. You must discover what is your passion. You have a choice here on earth, and that is to possibly live and be happy, appreciate what it is that the world has to offer, or you can choose to isolate yourself and slowly beat yourself down until you DIE.
    THAT IS RIGHT. YOU WILL KILL YOURSELF!. DO YOU REALLY WANT TO DIE?

    HOW DARE YOU DIE BECAUSE IT IS THE WORLD THAT BEAT YOU DOWN!!!!!!!!!!!


    Some will recommend faith and hope. Some will recommend buddhism, others will say that the "Wish to help you with love and kisses"
    Love and kisses will not help! I can sit here all day and tell you how great you are, or how much i think that you are despicable. IT will ultimately makes no difference.

    "of all the judgements that we pass in life, none is as important as the one that we pass on ourselves, for that judgement touches on the very center of our existence"

    I would suggest listening to lucysnow, xev, and moementum.

    I wish to take it upon myself to help you, I belive that I might be able to. There are many people who will wish you harm and death. There are many who will wish to help you for thier own pleasure. There are many who will wish to toy with you, or find it amusing. Many will say " so go kill yourself"

    That is the understand that you must come across. Other people do not care about you.You must care about yourself. I wish to help you because it pains me to see life wasted.

    People will say that you are " insane" and that might be true. I would classifying you as INSANE because you are hurting yourself.
    Insane is a subjective judgement. Many say Lucy and i are insane im sure, but it doesnt matter.

    Please feel free to email me privately at Squashbuckler@rogers.com

    I dont mean to sound pompous, but I believe that i will be able to help you more than what you will receive on these boards, and you owe it to yourself to help yourself.
    I have all the time in the world to talk to you.

    Dont waste your time on the mundane arguements are varied opinions that you will receive on this board. Please email me privately.

    Mark
     
  10. Squashbuckler Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    194
    Something external has forced you to annihilate yourself.
    A human being is the only animal that can willfully end his life, remember that.
     
  11. Mrs.Lucysnow Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    9,879
    Not really. What about Lemmings?

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    But seriously it did not seem that Slave wants to die. If he did I am sure he would have done so without bothering to share his pain with others. The cutting it seems has become the hell of his life but not a call for immediate annihilation.
     
  12. cthulhus slave evil servant Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    754
    i have no idea what to say first...
    uuhh...

    i have 2 brothers and 5 sisters to whoever it was that asked.

    how can i say i have friends and that i have none?
    they are my friends but all, exept maybe 1 if im lucky (and she happens to be in a good mood, as oposed to screaming in her room and kicking holes in the walls ), dont care about me and i dont give a shit about them.
    by friend i consider some1 you care about. and who cares about you. how do i know they dont? well they all seem to spew like most of you guys. "fine, go kill yousrelf, its your life" "i dont fucking care, it doesnt mater" and the like.


    oh, and to lucy, my private mesage box was so cramed, i read yours just a minute ago, and i hope you dont mind me saying so here, but thanx. thanx alot.

    im going to tell my mom tonight. i was waiting till tomarrow cuz i wanted to go pic up some book son it to give her but i cant wait. im telling her.

    thanx you guys. even thsoe of you who really piss me off with how you can absolutly not understand a word i say. because, who knows, maybe that was just the practice i need for telling my parents.

    ttyl.

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    dont die before then

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  13. Squashbuckler Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    194
    hey

    Read a book by the name of "honoring the self" by nathanial brandon. SERIOUSLY.
    PLEASE READ IT
     
  14. Mrs.Lucysnow Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    9,879
    We are here if you need support C-Slave or just someone to listen to you rant.

    Good luck and keep us posted if you get the chance.
     

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