Jokes and Funny Stories

This just in:

Date: Fri, 9 Apr 2004 23:59:21 -0400

Priceless . .

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table: Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping. Love you."

So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Marty asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door."

Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you said, "Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

a self-induced hangover - $100.00
broken furniture - $200.00
breakfast - $10.00
saying the right thing - priceless

 

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i dont know if this has been covered but :

Q: how do you know if a blonde was using ms word ?
A: there is white out on the screen.

Q: what do you call it when a blond dyes her hair brunette ?
A: artificial intelligence.

 

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There's far too much here to read at one sitting, so hopefully this hasn't been posted yet:

Two blondes are walking when they come across some tracks. The first blonde says "These are deer tracks." The second blonds says "No, you dumb bitch, these are obviously moose tracks." They were still arguing when the train hit them.

 

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Hi:
- Dad, dad, the teacher asked us a question in class and I was the only one who raised up my hand?
- What did he ask?
- Who has not done his homework? thanks

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Santa was making a documentary on Indian tribes. For this, he went to the deep jungles for the details. One day, Santa was walking along with two tribals in the jungle, when, all of a sudden, one of the tribal took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. The tribal stopped and hollered into the cave... "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" and then listened very closely until he heard the answer..."Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave. Santa was puzzled and asked the other tribal what that was all about, was that person mad or something.
"No", said the other tribal. "It is mating time for us tribals and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.
Well, just about that time, the other tribal saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!" When he heard the return, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.
Santa started running around the forest looking for a cave to find these women that the tribals had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave.
As he looked in amazement, he was thinking, "Man! Look at the size of that cave! It`s bigger then the ones that those tribals found. There must really be something really great in this cave!"
Well... he took-off up the hill with his hopes of ecstasy and grandeur. He got in front of the cave and hollered, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!"
Santa was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!! Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.
The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, "Naked Santa badly injured by a Freight Train Crossing a Tunnel"!!!!!!

 

Here's a good one:

There's a group taking a tour of a feed lot. They're showed all the different areas and at last end up at the artificial insemination facilities. They're showed around and the guide points out various features, "This is where the cows are brought in and lined up to be inseminated", "here's where workers monitor the insemination process", "here's where the insemination actually takes place", etc... At the end of the tour is a question and answer session, an astute member of the group asks "What are these hooks on the wall for?" The tour leader replies "oh, that's where we hang our pants."

Seriously, I've heard some pretty nasty stories of the real workings in pig farms. *shivers*

 

George W. and John Kerry somehow ended up at the same barbershop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.



As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Bush in his chair reached for the aftershave. W. was quick to stop him saying, "No thanks, my wife will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse,"



The second barber turned to Kerry and said, "How about you?"



The Senator replied, "Go ahead, my wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

 

Q: What do you call a vegetarian with Diahreah?

A: A salad shooter!

 

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you" the lawyer said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree"

"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he stated, “You come with us also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"

 

Guy goes to buy a blow-up doll; man asks, "D'you wanna Christian or a Muslim doll?"
"What's the difference?" Says the Guy.
"The Muslim one blows itself up", said the man.

 

microzoft
firstly you may want to look in the cesspool, there's two more joke thread's their.
and here go's.

big chief bowel, get's a letter from the council, he put's on his glasses, and It state's that he has to move, as there going to put a road throught his teepee.
so he go's into town, having forgot to take his glasses, walk's into the doctor next door.
he walk's into the doctor's office, and crosses his arm's and say's in a deep indian voice.
"BOWEL NO MOVE", the doctor say's that's ok, take these and come back in a week.
a week later another letter, it make's him so angry. anyway same problem no glasses, ok he's a bit absent minded too.
straight into the doctor's office, and again say's to the doctor.
"BOWEL STILL NO MOVE", the doctor say's that's ok, take these and come back in a week.
a week later, he go's into the doctor's and say's, "OK YOU WIN BOWEL WILL MOVE, TEEPEE FULL OF SHIT".

 

A young preacher was asked by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side burial service at a small local cemetery for someone with no

family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns. Eventually, a half-hour late, he saw a backhoe and its crew, but the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were there.

The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

*****************************************************************

 

THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!

A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex, and one was named, Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HelllOOOOOOO," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs!"

 

Conversation Stoppers

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*what would Geronimo say if he jumped out of an aeroplane?
*Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
*If there was a mispelling in the dictionary, how would we know?
*If something horrifying is horrific, is something terrifying terrific?
*What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
*how come michelle is spelt m-i-c-h but mike is m-i-k-e? shouldnt it be mich?
*If Trix are for kids, what do rabbits eat?
*Why does Wil E. Coyote keep using Acme products if they never work?
*Why are roads called park ways and drive-ways are for parking?
*what do you call a male ladybird?
*what colour is an air guitar?
*why does toast land jam (butter) side down? [it depends on the height it has to fall and size of the toast]
*if you strangled a Smurf, what colour would it turn?
*corn oil is made of corn, olive oil is made out of olives, so whats baby oil made out of?
*is it ok to use AM radio in the afternoon?
*what do chickens think we taste of?
*what do people in China call their best plates?
*why doesnt glue stick to the inside of the bottle? [It needs air/ moisture to set]
*why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
*why is dyslexia so long and hard to spell?
*why isn't phonetic spelt with a f?
*have you ever imagined a world without hypothetical situations?
*why is bra singular and pants plural?
*if a fire-fighter fights fires and a crime-fighter fights crime, what does a freedom-fighter fight?
*why are apartments called apartments when they're all stuck together?
*if con is the opposite to pro, is American Congress the opposite of progress?
*when dog food has a new and improved taste, who tastes it?
*if nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan?
*why do you press harder on the remote control when you know the battery's dead?
*you know most packages say: 'open here'. what's the protocol if the package says: 'open somewhere else'?
*why do people without a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?
*how come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?
*if it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
*why is there only one Monopolies Commission?
*you know the little indestructible black box that's used on aeroplanes? why can't they make the whole plane out of the same stuff?
*why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?
*before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
*how do 'keep of the grass' signs get where they are?
*why has lisp got an 's' in it?
*where do ice cream vans go in winter?
*why did curiosity kill the cat?
*what makes your tummy/ stomach rumble?
*how can you financially make a loss?

Thanks to www.this-n-that.tk

 

I don't get it!

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Maybe you'll like and maybe you won't!!

TENETS OF JEWISH BUDDHISM



Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as the wooded glen.

And sit up straight. You'll never meet the Buddha with posture like that.



There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?



Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.



To practice Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance, do the following:

Get rid of the motorcycle. What were you thinking?



Learn of the pine from the pine. Learn of the bamboo from the bamboo.

Learn of the kugel from the kugel.



Take only what is given. Own nothing but your robes and an alms bowl.

Unless, of course, you have the closet space.



Be aware of your body. Be aware of your perceptions. Keep in mind that

not every physical sensation is a symptom of a terminal illness.



If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?



Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out.

Forget this, and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.



The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides.

The Tao is not Jewish.



Drink tea and nourish life. With the first sip, joy. With the second, satisfaction. With the third, Danish.



The Buddha taught that one should practice loving kindness to all sentient beings. Still, would it kill you to find a nice sentient being who happens to be Jewish?



Be patient and achieve all things.

Be impatient and achieve all things faster.



To Find the Buddha, look within. Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals. You might want to see a specialist.



Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?



If you wish to know The Way, don't ask for directions. Argue.



Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkes.

 

are you serious?

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'10' in binary is '2' in decimal, actually, its quite funny

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You might be an engineer if

-The only jokes you receive are through email (OUCH)
-At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string of Christmas lights.
-Buying flowers for your girlfriend/boyfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
-If you find that you have to often explain how to use the gifts you have given other people.
-Everyone else on the Alaskan Cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
-In college, you thought Spring Break was metal fatigue failure
-The Salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
-You are always late to meetings
-You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
-You are next in line on death row in a French Prison and you find that the guillotine is not working properly, so you offer to fix it.
-You bought your wife/husband a new CD ROM drive for her birthday
-You forget to get a haircut (for 6 months!)
-You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
-You can type 70 words per minute but can't read your own handwriting
-You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines
-You comment to your wife/husband that her straight hair is nice and parallel
-You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
-You have Dilbert comics/paphanelia displayed anywhere in your work area
-You have ever saved the power cord from a broken appliance
-You have more friends on the internet than in real life
-You have backed up your hard drive
-You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married.
-You have used coat hangars and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
-You know what http:// stands for
-You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
-You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
-You see a good design and still have to change it
-You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring
-You still own a slide rule and you know how to use it
-You think a pocket protector is a fashion accessory
-You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
-You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
-You window shop at Radio Shack
-You're in the backseat of your car, she/he is looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
-Your checkbook always balances
-Your laptop computer costs more than your car
-Your wife/husband hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work
-Your wrist watch has more computing power than a 300 MHz pentium
-You've already calculated how much you make per second
-You've ever tried to repair a $5 radio
-Your four basic food groups are: 1. Caffeine 2. Fat 3. Sugar 4.Chocolate
:bugeye:

 

Laugh at our Commander-in-Chief, I think he just gave Native Americans their Independence

http://www.democracynow.org/article.pl?sid=04/08/10/149259

 

New exercise Routine if you're over 40!


Here is a new exercise routine if you're over 40.
You might want to take it easy at first, then do it faster as you become
more proficient. It may be too strenuous for some.

Always consult your doctor before starting any exercise program!



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NOW SCROLL UP.. ..

That's enough for the first day. Have some chocolate.