I guy walks into a health spa and he sees a sign: Lose 10, 20 or 30 pounds!. So he looks down at his belly and decides to try the to lose 10 pounds. So after paying the clerk, she escorts him back to a room and tells him to remove all clothing and sit on a bed. He suspiciously removes his clothing. after sitting on the bed for two minutes, a beatiful girl walks in with a sign around here neck and the sigh read: If you catch me, you get to have your way with me. So, he chaces her around the room, catches her, and has his way with her. Afterwards he climbs on the scale and , by god, he has lost 10 LB. Two weeks later he walks in and decides to try the 20 LB plan. The clerk escorts him to a back room and asks him to take off his cloths and sit on the table. He quickly removes his cloths and and even more beautiful girl walks in with the same sign around her neck. He chaces her around and around and around untill finally he catches her and has his way with her. He climbs on the scale and, by god, he lost 20 LB. The following week he walks in, decides to try the 30 LB plan since the first two were fantastic. He pays the clerk and does the same rountine. As he is sitting on the bed, the door opens and a gorrilla walks in with a sign around it's neck reading: "If I catch you, I get to have my way with you".
Red Neck Vasectomy, There was this fella who lived in Alabama, who married his cousin. One day it dawned on him that he could no longer make his dream come true of having a double wide trailer. He has 11 kids. He panics and goes to the doctor. He tells the doctor of his woes and his 11 children and says, “Doc, you gotta do something to help me out!” Well the Doc is an ol’ country boy, who doctors mules as a side line. He tells the Red Neck, “Go home, getta beer can, light a cherry bomb, put it in the can, hold it up to your ear and count to ten.” “That’ll take care of your problem.” The Red Neck tells the Doc, “Doc, I ain’t the brightest candle on the cake but I fail to see where that is going to help me, I gotta get a second opinion!” So, Red Neck drives all the way to Georgia where he seeks a second opinion. That Doctor was going to tell him about vasectomy when he learns the Red Neck is from Alabama. He tells Red Neck, “Go home, getta beer can, light a cherry bomb, put it in the can, hold it up to your ear and count to ten.” “That’ll take care of your problem.” Well, Red Neck has been told the same thing by two learned men so he is going to go home and discover something new. So he gets home and gets his beer can. He lights his cherry bomb and puts it in the can. He holds it up to his ear and starts counting to ten. At five, he pauses and puts the can between his legs so that he can finish counting on the other hand.
Motorbike What's the definition of a motorbike? Something hot & throbbing between your legs. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Did you hear the one about the man taking his spastic dog for a drag round the Park. What do you call a man with no arms & no legs in a swimming pool ? Bob What do you call a man with no arms & no legs in a in a pile of leaves? Russell What do you call a woman with egg & bacon on her head? Kath Did you hear about the Owl sitting on the chimney smoking his pipe! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
sherlockian humor.. this was voted the funniest joke in the world on an online poll somewheres i read about it in the paper. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are going on a camping trip... they find a perfect place to camp, they pitch their tent and eat dinner then go into their tent and go to sleep...a few hours later Watson is woken by Holmes shakeing his arm. Holmes asks him as he points starward "look up there at those stars, Watson, what do you deduce?" Watson replies "they are an infinite number of stars, a few with planets orbiting around them. and a few of those planets might be like earth and have life on them." Holmes replies with "No Watson, you idiot! Someone stole our tent!" I liked this one because im a fan of sherlockian literaturePlease Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes.
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Two worms were crawling along. One stopped and the other crawled on. What can I say? I always cracked my ex. up. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Take care Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
joke again The police find a dead body in a bath of cornflakes,the police are looking for a cereal killer.Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists... Two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. In side of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job." The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes." I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Hey Wet1 That was great.ROFL Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
A ventriloquist stops to entertain some people in a small town. He's going through his usual stupid George W. jokes, when George W. himself walks up. "I've heard just about enough of your denigrating George W. jokes!" He says. "What makes you think you can stereotype me that way? What does a person's knowledge of geography and world politics have to do with their worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep people like me from being respected at work and in my community. I'm as smart as anyone else and..." The ventriloquist begins to apologize, when George W. stops him. "You stay out of this, Mister. I'm talking to that little smart aleck on your knee!"
Two country hicks decided to try their hand at ranching. After accessing the situtation it was decided that they needed a better breeding bull. So Joe finds an ad for a bull and decides to go get it. When Joe gets there he finds out the farmer wants $500 for the bull. Joe has $502. So he buys the bull but does not have enough money to buy gas for the trip home. So he thinks to send Jim a message by telegram to come help out. At the telegraph office he finds out the cost is $1 to send a telegram and $1 per word. So he thinks a while and comes up with a message. He tells the telegraph operator to send the message consisting of the word “comfortable”. The telegraph operator says, “You’re the boss!” and sends the message. But the operator doesn’t see how this is going to help Joe. Joe tells the operator, “Jim don’t read like most folks. He’s going to get this message and it will make sense to him. He will read it as come-for-the-bull.”
True Story A blonde and her boyfriend went to a play together. When they walked in the door the blonde started laughing histerically. The boyfriend couldn't figure out why. When he asked her what was SO funny she replied "All of those people are named Usher" It's not really that funny, I guess you have to know the person that it happened to. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. "There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.... Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go." The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!" "Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
...and in case you have heard that one. A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?" "No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?" He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license." The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned." The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!" At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"
In that case how about this one... Hillary arrives at the pearly gates only to find that they have erected a hall to cut down on the crowd at the gate. She is directed to go in and they will call her when they are ready. She goes in and finds that the hall is lined with clocks from top to bottom. She goes to the receptionist and asks, "What's with all the clocks? None of them are on the same time." The receptionist laughs and says, "Those are special clocks. They measure the adulterest events in peoples lives. Everytime an event happens the hands for their clock advance." She says, "Oh!" And returns to the hall. After a long time she comes back and asks, "Where's Bill's? I don't see his anywhere!" The recptionists answers, "Oh, that one! Well we keep that one in the office for a fan."
