Jokes

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by BLASTOFF, Nov 21, 2001.

  1. wet1 Wanderer Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    8,616
    A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times.
    Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20 " and stuck it in the door.
    The next day as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was notation "Genesis 3:10."
    Revelation 3:20 reads: "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he will with me."
    Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."
     
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  3. JesusSaves There is a God Registered Senior Member

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    wet1

    ahhh! I loved it!!!

    OK, my joke

    Tom, Dick and Harry walk into a local Walmart. There they see a sign announcing a grand raffle, and they decide to enter. A week later they find out that Tom won 1st, a years supply of spaghetti, Dick won 2nd, a years supply of spaghetti sauce, and Harry won 6th, a toilet brush. A while later they are together in a bar and they start a conversation. Dick asked Tom how he is enjoying his prize, Tom replys that he is enjoying it a lot b/c he really likes spaghetti. Then Tom asks Harry how he likes his prize. Harry replys "not too well, I think I will stick to toilet paper"

    It's lame I know....but hey

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    -JS
     
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  5. Mosier Registered Member

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    ALright, so theres this old folks home. And its time for everyone to take their daily medication. So the nurse walks in a reads off the first name on the cup... Larry Weisman... Larry? She loks over to a corner of the room and sees Larry sitting indian style and holding holding an invisible steering wheel. "Larry!", she yells. "Larry!!.... Larry!!" Finally he yells " what??". "What are you doing?" she asks. "He replies " Im driving to Florida". So she hands him his pills and leaves for lunch. She comes in the next day for the same purpose and she notices Larry is still in the same position in the corner. "Larry!" she yells. "Larry?!.... Larry!!!" "WHAT???" he replies. "what are you DOING??" she asks. he replies " I told you im driving to Florida!" So she moves on to the next person. Fred.... . she looks over to the other side of the room and sees Fred in the other corner and sees Fred, pants to his ankles, grunting and humping the corner. "FRED!!?? she yells. He replies "WHAT?" SHe yells " WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
    "he replies " Im fuckin Larrys wife while he's in Florida.
     
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  7. wet1 Wanderer Registered Senior Member

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    8,616
    WHAT AM I ???
    .
    .
    .
    This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long. The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements. Anyone found listening in will most surely reconize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. when finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some from it's long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emenating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully, reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.
    What am I?

    As you may have already guessed,
    the answer...
    to the riddle...
    is none other...
    than your very own..........................
    .…
    ….
    ….
    ….
    ….
    ….
    ….
    ….
    Toothbrush....................................

    what were you thinking?

    You pervert !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  8. wet1 Wanderer Registered Senior Member

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    This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State Building in New York. It looks like a nice place, and he takes a seat at the bar.

    "This is a nice place. I've never been here before," he says to the guy next to him.

    "Oh, really?" the other replies. "It is a nice place. It's also a very special bar."

    "Why is that?" the first guy asks. "Well, do you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic."

    "Gee, that's amazing!" says the first guy.

    "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and you're pushed back up."

    "No way! That's impossible," the guy scoffs.

    "Not at all. Take a look," the other man replies, and with that he walks over to the window and opens it. He climbs over the sill and falls out. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40...50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "See? It's fun. You should try it," he says.

    "Try it? I don't even believe I saw it!" the first man shouts.

    "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again." And with that, he falls out the window again. He drops 10... 20... 30... 40... 50 feet, comes to a stop, and whoosh -- he comes right back up and sails back through the window. "Give it a try. It's a blast," he says.

    "Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try," the first man says, and proceeds to fall out the window. He falls 10... 20... 30... 40... 50...60...70...80...90... 100 feet and splat -- he ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

    After watching this, the second guy casually closes the window, heads back to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know, Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk."
     
  9. BLASTOFF Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    380
    Just one more

    Three guys are sent to the gullitine, one an english man, one a scotish man, and one an irish man, the english man went up to the gullitine and asked to be put on his back, so he could see the blade come down, they did this and then the handle was pulled and the blade fell, but it stoped just before it hit him, so they let him go, so the scotish man asked the same he wanted to see the blade, and so they did it again, they laid him on his back, then they puled the handle and the blade stoped just before it hit him,so they let him go, so the irish man thought that he would do the same, he asked to face the blade, so they laid him on his back, and just before they puled the handle, he shouted" stop i can see what is stopping it"

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  10. goofyfish Analog By Birth, Digital By Design Valued Senior Member

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    5,331
    Hungry Baby

    A woman and a baby came into the doctor's office. She was told to go into a room and wait for the doctor. He examines the baby and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?"

    "Breast fed." she answers.

    "Well, strip down to your waist." He orders.

    She does. He presses both breasts, pinches them both, and then says, "No wonder this baby is hungry, you don't have any milk."

    "Naturally," she says, "I'm his aunt, but I'm sure glad I came!"
     
  11. BLASTOFF Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    380
    one more

    How do you get a picachoo on an bus? Poke-em-on.
     
  12. goofyfish Analog By Birth, Digital By Design Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    5,331
    Giraffe walks into a bar, looks around and calls out, "Hey everyone! Highballs on me!"

    (boom-cha!)
     
  13. *stRgrL* Kicks ass Valued Senior Member

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    2,495
    What is the speed limit of sex?

    68. Because at 69 you have to turn around!!

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  14. *stRgrL* Kicks ass Valued Senior Member

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    2,495
    Why did the blond have sex with a mexican?

    Because her teacher told her to go home and do an essay!!

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  15. wet1 Wanderer Registered Senior Member

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    8,616
    The mark of a successful married man is one who makes enough money to buy all the things his wife wants.

    The mark of a successful married woman is finding such a man.

    -----------------
    A married man should forget everything he has done wrong.

    No since in two keeping track of the same thing.
     
  16. wet1 Wanderer Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    8,616
    Boudrouex came down to the edge of the bayou every day, shook his fist and hollered, “ One of these days I’m gonna come over dar and stomp a hole in your backside, Clarence!”

    Clarence, who lived on the other side of the bayou would shake his head, not say anything, and go inside his house.

    This went on for some time till one day they started building a bridge over the bayou.

    Then Boudrouex came out and said, “Clarence, when they finish this bridge, I’m gonna come over dar and stomp a hole in your backside!”

    Clarence shook his head, didn’t say anything, and went on inside.

    Then they finished the bridge.

    Boudrouex, he tell his wife, “I’m a gonna go over dar and stomp a hole in Clarence’s backside!”
    His wife, she say, “Dat nice, you have a good time.”

    So, Boudrouex, he take off for de bridge. He gone for 5 minutes and he come back home.

    His wife, she say, “Wall, you got dat out o’ your system now?”

    Boudrouex, he say, “I didn’t make it across de bridge. Dat Clarence, he bigger dan he look! Day a sign over dat bridge say Clarence 14 foot 4”!!!!”
     
  17. Imahamster Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    135
    Technology Laws (Classic):

    Murphy's Technology Law #1:
    You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

    Murphy's Technology Law #2:
    Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

    Murphy's Technology Law #3:
    Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

    Murphy's Technology Law #4:
    If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

    Murphy's Technology Law #5:
    An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he/she knows absolutely everything about nothing.

    Murphy's Technology Law #6:
    Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe, and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he'll have to touch to be sure.

    Murphy's Technology Law #7:
    All great discoveries are made by mistake.

    Murphy's Technology Law #8:
    Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

    Murphy's Technology Law #9:
    All's well that ends... period.

    Murphy's Technology Law #10:
    A meeting is an event at which minutes are kept and hours are lost.

    Murphy's Technology Law #11:
    The first myth of management is that it exists.

    Murphy's Technology Law #12:
    A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection.

    Murphy's Technology Law #13:
    New systems generate new problems.

    Murphy's Technology Law #14:
    To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

    Murphy's Technology Law #15:
    We don't know one-millionth of one percent about anything.

    Murphy's Technology Law #16:
    Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

    Murphy's Technology Law #17:
    A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 Years make.
     
  18. BLASTOFF Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    380
    not a joke as such

    This is only a saying but try it, you have to say it fast,
    If a fella sees a fella in a field of fitches could a fella tell a fella where a fella itches,how many Fs in that. the answer is none there are no Fs in that, T.H.A.T. :bugeye:
     
  19. Imahamster Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    135
    During a recent staff meeting in Heaven, God, Moses, and Saint Peter concluded that the behavior of Ex-President Clinton has brought about the need for an eleventh commandment.

    They worked long and hard in a brain-storming session to try to settle on the wording of the new commandment, because they realized that it should have the same style, majesty and dignity as the original ten. They began their brain-storming and came up with the 11th.

    After many revisions, they finally agreed that the eleventh commandment should be:

    "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."
     
  20. BLASTOFF Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    380
    another one from yours truly

    Achap goes into the unemployment office and askes for a job, the only job going today says the office official said was working in a toilet,the chap said ok it's a job,so the official filled out the job form and told the chap to sign his name, the chap said sorry i carn't i carn't write, what do you mean you carn't write, said the official, i carn;t write said the chap, well in that case i carn't offer you the job, sorry about that here is a pound, the chap took the pound and went out side, he saw another chap selling apples, he bought four for a pound, and he sold them for £1.50 he then bought 6 apples and sold them on for a profit, by the time 6 months went passed he had bought himself a fruit barrow, and was doing very well for himself, by 12 months he had made a million pounds,so a friend told him to put it in the bank, so he took it round to the bank and asked to put his money into a good account, which the bank manager was only to glad to do, he took the chaps money filled out the forms and asked the chap to sign his name, the chap said he was sorry but he could not as he could not write, the bank manager siad what do you mean you carn't write, i carn't wrtie said the chap, the bank manager siad well just imagine what you would have been if you could have writen,yes the chap answered a bloody shit house worker.

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  21. wet1 Wanderer Registered Senior Member

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    8,616
    Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

    Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."
    "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
    Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

    The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

    By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

    Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
    I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

    Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

    Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
     
  22. BLASTOFF Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    380
    another koke

    How do you get an elephant in a fridge in three steps? step 1 open fridge door/ step 2 push elephant into fridge/ step 3 close fridge door/ simple.

    How do you get an elephant to follow you? act like a nut.

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  23. odin Registered Senior Member

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