how do u let som1 go after u have fought so hard to get them back???????

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by unwrapped, Oct 20, 2005.

  1. unwrapped Registered Member

    Messages:
    19
    Sounds really stupid doesnt it??Lord knows i know this intellectualy, but i keep holding on to a love that brings me nothing but hurt. I keep hoping that it will work because we were once good together. It sounds so silly coming from me, because im one of those people who has always maintained that we teach people how do treat us, and yet here i am settling for far less than i deserve. Without trying to turn this thread into some Dr Phil episode, please help my heart reason. If anyone has gone thru this and has come out of it, please shed some light.
     
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  3. c20H25N3o Shiny Heart of a Shiny Child Registered Senior Member

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    You have to objectively examine the reason's behind the other person's inability to treat you in the way you believe you need to be treated. Are your expectations too romanticised to fit in with the harshness of their reality at this time? In other words has their circumstances changed since when you used to be good together to the extent that this other person is too preoccupied to afford you the time? It might not be personal, they may just need to move on in order to deal with their current set of challenges, yet they, like you, remember the good times together and try to hang on despite being pulled in another direction.
    Best to front your feelings with them. Ask them if they need to move on because you care about them enough to let them do that. You never know, they might not actually be aware how preoccupied they are being and your question may cause them to reorder their priorities in your favour so things can be good again between you.

    peace

    c20
     
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  5. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    24,690
    Sometimes it's okay to play the blame game. You say that the love brings you nothing but hurt, but you stop short of saying that the person has hurt you. And if so, was it deliberate, merely neurotic, incompatible habits, different backgrounds, or just bad chemistry?

    If someone is hurting you for fun or to fit you into their perfect life or to make themselves feel powerful or for some other nefarious reason, then you don't owe them anything. You should strive to end the relationship with as much civility as possible, even cordially, because you'll need that practice later in life. But you should do whatever needs to be done to clearly end it.

    If the other person is sick or emotionally damaged then you just have to figure it out as you go along. You don't want to make their condition worse if you can avoid it, but you still need to make it clear that you're ending it and that isn't always easy with someone who's wounded.

    If it's innocent, just clash of culture or upbringing or personality, then you need to be a mensch. Here all this time the person has no idea (or very little, perhaps you're giving subtle hints that aren't really recognized) that they're hurting you, they think things are going well. For the goddess's sake you went through a breakup and YOU came back to them. You probably can't avoid hurting them but you have to be as kind as you possibly can. Nobody can tell you how to do that without knowing absolutely anything about the other person or the relationship, and very little about you. But you have to figure it out.

    It always helps to imagine the roles reversed. If you loved someone or at least were in what you thought was a happy relationship and the other person was going to tell you that you were hurting them, how would you want them to handle it?

    Perhaps you've already realized that I'm going to say you would probably like a chance to CHANGE YOUR BEHAVIOR before giving up. Have you thought of the possibility that the person may really like you and value this relationship and would be perfectly happy to try to stop doing whatever it is that hurts? They may not be able to, but a mensch would give them the opportunity to try.

    Or is it that you just "hurt" and it isn't necessarily because of anything the other person is doing? Perhaps they remind you of one of your parents (that is REALLY common). Perhaps you're just depressed and the relationship isn't making it any better. Perhaps there are things you'd like to do that you can't do while in the relationship, like become a priest/nun, or emigrate to Estonia, or set a record for swimming around the world, or screw every member of the opposite sex you meet.

    If that's the case, then you have to tell them that. They might surprise you and tell you about this neat new coed monastery/convent in Kyrghyzstan that they'd like to accompany you to, or tell you that they'd like to be in your boat crew and help you set your record, or tell you that they've always secretly wanted to live in Estonia too, or that they think three-ways and four-ways are great (that too is REALLY common).

    But if none of that works, then you have to break it off and still be a mensch and inflict the minimum damage.

    But remember one thing: There are more things going on in your life than this relationship. Getting rid of it might not be what needs to happen to make you happy! You've already gotten a hint of that because you tried breaking it off and you WEREN'T happy!

    Talk to somebody, read a self-help book, try one of the zillions of ways of understanding yourself better and figuring out what you really want. This might not be it!

    I can't help noticing that you haven't told us a single thing about the other person or the relationship or the way in which you hurt. Do you think it's a little incongruous that you're asking your friends for help but you're not giving them enough information about the situation to understand it? Look at all the postings on SciForums where people ramble on about all the details of their problems before asking for help, and contrast them with your approach. Why is it that it didn't occur to you to share the details with us? I bet there's something worth examining buried in there somewhere.

    Good luck!
     
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  7. bbcboy Recovering christian Registered Senior Member

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    1,104
    I'm ASSUMING you're female.
    This is bad of me I know!
    If you're a man then grow some hair on your balls and move the f**k on!!
    If you're female then grow some balls and move on!!
    You are HUMAN
    You are worthy of respect and...tough love approaches
    Why do you think you should settle?
    6.000.000.000 people inhabit this planet and this is all you're worthy of?
    You have beauty!
    Celebrate it and NEVER EVER settle
    I wish you Joy that you wish yourself!
    Be lonely for a while if it's necessary but never be afraid of your own company!
    FUCK this person off
    and LIVE!!
     
  8. valich Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    3,501
    Involve yourself in other social activities with other people. Keep being active, even if you have to force yourself to be active. There's so much out there in life to experience and enjoy, that you don't really need that other special person alongside you to enjoy it - its their loss, not yours.

    Sometimes the hurt from the loss just takes time, but eventually you'll get over it. It may be tough. But the better times - the great times in your life! - are yet to come.

    Been there, been through it. Really. Still at times it hurts, but I know that I must persevere.
     
  9. savior-of-hyrule As a tribute to someone Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    32
    unwrapped, the true problem here is, are you actually going to listen to these people. I was in your situation, people came to me and said let it go and leave, others said wait it out and see. Point is I didnt care what they thought even when i asked. I knew i was going to speak objectively but tis just hard letting go. But you just grow out of that person.

    Cya
     
  10. Slacker47 Paint it Black Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    667
    Do the wierdest shit that you can think of to her/him. Think about it for a week, then use your best idea. Based on this reaction, they are a keeper or not.

    I didnt read the original post, i just deal with people alot
     
  11. Shifty Russian International Man of Mystery Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    78
  12. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    33,264
    You cannot teach humans how you want to be treated. Humans aren't dogs or cats that can be trained. You must learn that people can make some adjustments in life but not trained to do only what you think is correct. Without having the freedom to do as humans want, they become agitated and unruley towards those that supress them and want them to conform to their own values instead of what the other wants. It's better to find someone who thinks more along what you believe is true rather than trying to make someone do that.
     
  13. unwrapped Registered Member

    Messages:
    19
    here it goes; we met in our first year of study, became really good friends and the friendship evolved to three years of the best relationship ever(well except for the last 11 mnths). We connected on every level; we were similar in every way and shared alot in common; family background(he is from another country by the way)and choice of study. everything was great, tho i must admit that there were minor bumps along the way which we sorted out and never threatened the relationship. Except for one which later lead to our first break up; intimacy. Let me explain: as the relationship grew, naturally u begin to want more than talks..... (i must tell you guys that i feel really strange having to reveal layers of my life to strangers, but here it goes anyway, as i continue) ....this exploration of each other lead to him being my first, remember i had said we met in our first yr of study, i was 19 and he was 20. Anyway, during this time he was trying to rekindle his relationship with God, and our intimacy made him feel like a sinner, since we were'nt married. We spoke about this and decided to break up, as the chemistry we shared was too strong and abstaince did not work; we really did try. Three months went by and we were back together. The relationship was great and we made a conscious decision to continue being together and let God be a part of our relationship. At this time (2yrs down the line) our relationship was on point until the reality of him having to go back home came to haunt us as he was close to finishing his studies. He felt that we should break up as this would help ease the process when the time arrived, initially i was against this as logically it did not make sense to me, but because it is what he wanted i gave it to him; as i dont believe in forcing things onto people. Anyway, we continued to see each other,and still do the things couples do. And about 2 months ago, while i and a friend of mine were in his room using his computer she found porno type pictures of his "friend (girl buddy)" on one of the files under images. You can just imagine my reaction upon seeing this. I later confroted him and he denies being in a relationship with her. Now you may be asking why do i care, since we had broken up; we did in theory but as i had said we continued as tho we were together. i feel like he has been stringing me along, they both stay on campus and it seems as tho when im not around they are together. i really dont know how to react to this or rationalise this situation. I really love him and he claims to love me too, but why would he do this if that is the case. She is still the picture and it drives me insain. i've decided to remove myself from the current equation but it does not help because i still think about him. And i see him on a regular basis since we are studing the same thing. how do i begin to let go, mentally i know i must but my heart suggests otherwise. I think part of the reason is because we have been thru so much and shared alot. And it puzzles me why he would throw all of that away........what could have changed???perphaps guys out there can explain.(not to suggest that this is typical guy behaviour at all.)
     
  14. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

    Messages:
    24,690
    I appreciate your effort and trust in giving us so much to work with.
    Most relationships last about two years. I know that's no consolation, but at least you're normal. That's the point at which the rainbows and violin music start to recede and we begin thinking seriously about the future. It brings out a whole different side of our personality. Sometimes--well often I guess--those two sides don't find the same connection that the original two sides did. It's like two somewhat different people have to pick up the relationship and figure out what to do with it. I had so many wonderful girlfriends for just about two years and then blammo, regular as clockwork, one or both of us rather suddenly became disenchanted or downright dissatisfied. This is just how life works. Sure you read about people who meet and it's love at first sight and three months later they're married and now they're celebrating their 25th or 50th wedding anniversary. Life is a bell curve and those people are simply the ones out at the far end. The other 99.99 percent of us will have a different experience.
    It's a cliche, but sometimes having too much in common can be stifling. Difference is the engine that drives growth in the relationship and in the people.
    Whatever happens, you're fortunate to have an experience like this one. I know people who've stuck it out longer than you two have and they were always fighting.
    I was waiting for this. Makes me wonder whether you're American because today in this country most kids have that experience several years earlier.
    Just think of us as virtual friends. Read the boards and you'll find plenty of stuff like this, between the passionate disagreements over existentialism and quantum physics.
    It's good that your first experience was with someone you loved and vice versa. Sets a good standard for the rest of your life.
    Oh dear. If there's anything that can screw up a romance or any other part of life, it's one person getting all religious. Just as it has been one of the leading causes of wars between nations, religion is also one of the leading causes of problems between individuals. You could break off the narrative right here and all I'd have to say is "You're screwed."
    Isn't it convenient that finding God so often seems to embolden a person to do something really mean and out of character? It's an unassailable excuse for anything. I don't mean that people do this on purpose, but I've seen so many people latch onto a religion and then miraculously find the "strength" to do something really weak and shameful. It's like reverse psychotherapy, gets them in firmer contact with their dark side.
    You're fighting human nature. Many cultures try to get their kids married when their in their early teens. Even if it's to a complete stranger they get to have sex and that solves that problem. In our culture we expect people to wait until they've finished their educations and have decent jobs before they get married, and we expect them to hold off having sex until they're married. Duh.
    Whose god? Do you share his religious background so this was sort of natural and comfortable for you? Or were you doing what women so often do and accommodating him by trying to assimilate into his life?
    You've lost me here but I guess it has something to do with him being from a foreign land. Is he from one of those cultures where the family simply assumes he will come back and he would never think of going against their wishes no matter how badly it hurt? If that's the case, well then good riddance! Very few Western women are able to fit into that kind of a lifestyle. You're being taught by your elders to "find yourself" and "live your own life" while he, the MAN, the traditional strong one in the relationship, is wimping out and doing what mommy and daddy say. Or is it an immigration problem and he simply can't stay? If that's the case well then you knew this when you started and it's unavoidable.
    It sounds like this is a long way off from the way the rest of your story runs. Okay, everyone handles this in their own way and perhaps yours is to pick an arbitrary moment and say let's break up now instead of having a tearful goodbye at the airport. Yeah sure. This his HIS way, not yours and not the way most people would handle it. Most people would hang on until the last second and hope for a reprieve. If it's Mommy maybe she'll die. If it's the government maybe they'll suddenly have a pressing need for forensic archeologists or whatever he is studying and they'll beg him to stay and grant him permanent residency. If he really loved you he would not leave until he was dragged off and then he would leave bloody fingernail marks on the linoleum in the airport. This is starting to smell very fishy.
    Uh huh. He didn't really "leave" you. He just has implicit permission to treat you like something other than his girlfriend. The fishy smell is getting much stronger.
    Bingo. You found the source of that overwhelming odor of fish. He's got another lady. Mi hijita, this happens all the time. We men are bastards. (And you women are no better, but that theme doesn't fit this discussion.) Remember that two-year average duration of relationships? Well, this is one of the reasons. As I said, the feeling of romance and excitement starts to wane because your heart and your endocrine system can't keep that up indefinitely and stay healthy. Those "other two people" take over the relationship. Apparently in your case one of them was wide open for the next attractive person who walked into his life.
    That's possible. There are plenty of women in the world who will let guys take pictures of them naked without having to be in love or even good companions. It's a rebellious way of having naughty fun.
    You may have gone through the motions of breaking up but you still love him. He cultivated that love by continuing to maintain a relationship with you that was almost indistinguishable from the original. The only noticeable difference was on his side: He was under no obligation to you.
    Good for you, you just passed the Mensa IQ test. Look up the definition of "to string along" and they'll have a picture of him next to it. To string somebody along it's essential that they not know it's happening and you played your part well. That's what usually happens when the stringee is still in love. Your love blinds you to things that you would see under normal circumstances.
    Repeat after me: "He's got a new girlfriend." You're his backup. I'm sure he really likes you and maybe even loves you too. There's no law against being in love with more than one person.
    Two different questions. It's really easy to rationalize things, we humans are experts at it. If that's what you want to do you don't need our help. Since you're looking for help I assume that you don't want to rationalize, you'd rather "react" properly.
    When we really love someone we have an incredible capacity to rationalize and to take abuse. YOU have to decide how much is too much. If you're still getting something out of this relationship only you can decide whether it's worth what you're putting up with. Just bear in mind that he'll make it steadily worse. Don't keep adapting and making excuses and putting up with more and more abuse. Establish a limit that you WILL NOT exceed and when he hits it, dump the bastard. Until then, if you're satisfied with your life it's not up to us to tell you you're wrong.
    It's quite possible to love someone and treat them really crappy. I know this from experience. Both sides of it. Men are bastards. (And so are women as I said before.) We have the ability to delude ourselves. We can be overcome by emotions and act irrationally. A strong person can cast a spell on us and render us powerless to resist. We all have a bit of the devil in us, that's something your monotheistic religions tell you isn't true and it's one of my big complaints about them, it IS true.
    If you feel that bad then I would suspect that you're not getting enough out of the relationship to balance the abuse you're taking. It's probably time to dump him.
    You can remove your physical presence but you can't tell your heart what to do. Nonetheless you have to do what's right and hope that your heart will heal. You will probably have fond feelings for him for a long time, but they won't stop you from being attracted to somebody else.
    That is crappy. People who get caught in that situation have a very difficult assignment. I'm not sure what to tell you. But didn't you say that he has to go home before too long? At that point things will sort themselves out. Perhaps the part of yourself that you need most to get in touch with right now is your patience. It is a powerful force.
    As I said, that will be very difficult as long as you're trapped in physical proximity to him and he's perfectly happy to continue having nice talks with you and acting like everything is okay. You may not be able to make much progress until he leaves. But if you can hang on until then without giving in and letting him have you for a girlfriend again, you will feel a great sense of accomplishment.
    Believe it or not, he is acting normally. It goes back to what I said at the start, that most relationships go through a crisis at the two year mark and many of them don't survive. What changed is the way you both feel. You can't get by on sheer romantic love forever, you have to have other things to build upon. The fact that you have so many similarities is working against you because you're lacking a dynamic that makes relationships grow. Another cliche here, but you're both EXTREMELEY young, two years is ten percent of your lives. You're having so many experiences and undergoing so many influences that you're not even aware of, that you're both changing without realizing it. It's not bad, it's perfectly normal.
    This is typical guy behavior and it's also typical girl behavior. Compare your experience with other people of both sexes. You'll find they're generally similar, only the details are different.

    If I understand your situation accurately, all of this will resolve itself shortly when he has to leave. When that happens you will be able to breathe more deeply and think about something other than how much you want him and how badly he's hurt you. Focus on the future, be patient, and try not to do anything that will make it harder for you to grow when the time comes.

    And keep in touch.

    Good luck!
     
  15. unwrapped Registered Member

    Messages:
    19
    Thank you for that, it really means alot to me. i guess i needed someone elses perspective on the issue. My friends are to close to the issue, and both of us as we have mutual friends, so it makes things difficult. Ive decided to not sweat my pretty on a man who will not love me the way i need to be loved. I still believe in the good in him, but i wont spend any more of my time trying to show him that we are good together. the truth of the matter is that we crossed paths, had a great time and changed in the process. It sounds really cold but i need to stop romaticising the issue. U know how the saying goes: u live to learn. And I've learnt alot about myslf thru this experience. I still love him and probably always will but I need to move on. A friend of mine said i shouldnt worry about this coz we all have to kiss a frog or two before we get to our prince....i hope she's right

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    Thanks once again for the message.
     
  16. domesticated om Stickler for details Valued Senior Member

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