I have done some incredibly stupid things in my life. I have made some terrible mistakes. My actions (or inaction at times) have caused suffering to myself and others. I have, however, no regrets. I almost killed a man once. I was young, stupid, jaded and bored. I was a very different person then. My only real motivation was greed. In all likelihood I would have been caught and spent the next twenty to thirty years of my life in prison. Had I not been caught, I may very well have been worse off. It’s easy enough to say I don’t regret that decision. I almost kissed a girl once. Melanie was the first great love of my life. She was incredible. It was love at first sight – the only time I have ever experienced it. She was a cashier after school at a local supermarket. I was training as a day cashier and picking up extra hours in the evenings pushing carts. The first time I saw her; I sat outside the window on top of the row of carts and watched her work for my entire shift. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I was willing to move the earth for her – or die trying. One night we found ourselves parked on top of a hill, shedding an unbelievably long, whirlwind of a day. I have had precious few “perfect” moments in my life – telling my wife to be “I think I love you” for the first time in that bathtub, hearing my wife say “I do”, a flock of birds taking flight behind me and a girl at the precise moment the sun disappeared into the Pacific – this was one of them. We stood outside the car and stared off into the lights below silently. Melanie knew how strongly I felt about her, but she would soon be going off to college. Her senior year was filled with school work, acting in the senior play, working a part time job and helping her single mother care for her young sister. I was never sure if she was interested in me, but I was sure she had no time for me. She made it clear that she was not looking to get into a relationship. She asked if I had a jacket in my car. I didn’t, but I had a blanket in the trunk to wrap around her. I leaned on the car. She leaned into me. My arms were around her. Her face was inches from mine. There we both stood for what felt like an hour – silent and still in that moment. I could have remained there for the rest of my life and died a satisfied man. “Should I kiss her?” My mind began to sweat. I was a virgin, but I wasn’t completely inexperienced. The moment felt right. A kiss felt natural. This was what I had been waiting for since the moment I first saw her. I knew she only wanted to be friends. I didn’t want to betray her trust. I didn’t want to put her in an uncomfortable situation. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever known. This was my chance to make the first move toward the rest of our life together. I wasn’t going to let the trivialities of life get in the way of love. I was willing to sit and wait in the wings while she finished her play and her school year. There was the possibility that she would be going to college only thirty minutes away, but I was willing to drop everything and move to wherever she decided to go. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for her and waited there for as long as she needed me to. If she asked me to marry her then and there, I would have without an instant of hesitation. This was it. This was the moment that would define my life. Deciding whether or not to kiss her would irreparably alter the course of my life as much as deciding whether or not to kill a man years later would. I wanted to kiss her more than I wanted to take my next breath. I was pretty certain it was now or never. It was never. She moved to Boston for college at the end of her senior year. I never heard from her again. Was it because I didn’t kiss her? I don’t know – probably not. She never told me why she stopped returning my calls shortly after that night. Five years later, I finally began to heal. Quite a few times over the years, I came as close to regret as I came to kissing her that night. A romance, unsullied by the slings and arrows of real life, remains sublime. That perfect moment on the hill with Melanie in my arms came to define my relationship with her. I hadn’t realized it at the time, but for nearly twenty years, I would hold every woman I met next to my memory of that moment in time and our potential. I spent time with many women over those years, and not one of them could hold a candle to Melanie. People often told me my standards were too high. They accused me of looking for perfection and perfection did not exist. I would always respond that I wasn’t looking for a perfect person, simply a person who was perfect for me. I wasn’t willing to settle for less – I would have rather died alone than live with someone who wasn’t right for me. What I meant was that I wasn’t willing to settle for less than Melanie. Eventually I found a woman who would surpass the impossible standard I set of the ideal, imaginary relationship I had with Melanie. I did not kiss her that night out of respect for her. I do not regret it out of respect for myself. Every decision I have made, every action I have taken, every experience I have had, helped shape the person I am and the life I have lead so far. Even such seemingly insignificant details of my life that I can’t even recall – such as what color shirt I wore on January 17th, 1986 – have played a role in who I am today. I like who I am. I love my life. I love my wife. None of this would be what it is, had I kissed Melanie that night. Mistakes and poor judgement are inevitable. The way I see it, one can learn from mistakes and use that wisdom to become a better person - or one can go the way of the fool. I'm no fool. My mistakes make me a better person. Also, if I wished to change anything I have done, I am wishing I were a different person with a different life. I have too much respect for myself and pride in who I am to wish for that.
I don't understand that question at all. Are you saying that if you have memories that implies you have regret? Are you saying that if you talk about regret, you must have regret? The question makes no sense to me.
nietzschefan umm how do you learn from your mestakes if you dont admit it was a mestake in the first place? That is after all what regret is, a way for the mind to make sure you dont do the same stupid thing again
Regret is wishing you had done things differently - wishing you hadn't made the choices you did - wishing made different choices. You can certainly learn from your mistakes without regretting your decisions. In fact, if you regret your decision, you wish would not have made the mistake and you would not have learned the lesson at all. To not regret is to aprreciate learning from your mistakes.
Ive made mistakes that lasted decades. Mostly based on faith, I trusted too much of what I read in authoritative books. I regret being faithful...above all else.
If you don't have regret, you don't need to think about the past. Why would you worry about the past if you don't regret it?
I don't worry about it. having no regret doesn't mean you forget your past. That's absurd. I would say, actually, it's the other way around. Those who regret their past are trying to forget it - those who have no regret look back at their past with appreciation.
one_raven Sounds like your very much in love with your wife, that's a good thing, do you express that with her as well as you do here with us? Many times people say very nice things about their partners but forget to tell them their feelings. Sounds like you've had a interesting life and I understand what it is you say about not regreting anything.
I agree with you and also have no regrets for my mistakes were also valuable learning experiances which in and of themselves made me a better person as well.Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Rather I should say: Those who regret their past wish to forget it - those who have no regret look back at their past with appreciation.
The key word was "need". Of course you don't forget your past. I'm just saying that you don't NEED to worry about it.
And I said I don't worry about it. I look back it it with appreciation. This has nothing what so ever to do with regret.
To my mind, the definition of regret tends to vary from individual to individual. Many words have a different personal impact which varies depending on the different sense in which they are used. I might say, for example, that I regret not learning a musical instrument when I was young enough to become a master at it. It is not that this thing is dwelled upon, nor that it has altered my life in any significant way. It does not cause remorse or sorrow. Yet the thought sometimes occurs, and the word itself remains applicable depending on personal perception and on the emphasis with which one uses it. I have developed a tendency to view those who say "I regret nothing" as being somewhat shallow and untrustworthy, or as being without any significant depth of thought or insight into the different degrees with one might view an event with regret. Such a person has simply adopted a philosophy which enables them to ignore the more heinous or painful aspects of their own character, and use it almost as an anaesthetic to self-awareness. Or, of course, they might have simply never done anything worth regret. In which case I wouldn't trust them an inch. You said : "To not regret is to appreciate learning from your mistakes." One might learn from their mistakes, appreciate that learning, and still come to regret it were the same mistake be made numerous times, yes? In which case, one might express regret at not learning from a mistake the first time.
Regret is a waste of time. I've done terrible things, seen terrible things, had terrible things done to me and not once, did life ever stop and give a shit...no...it kept moving and so I moved along with it. If you waste time on regret you will drive yourself insane. Can I say I have never regretted? No. One time, this is for you One Raven who thinks my avatar is creepy Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!, I regretted not kissing this guy I had known and cared about for years, ever sense we were kids. Then when I finally got the chance, years later...and one too many beers later...I finally just did, tried to undo the regret by taking the action I had always wished I had, and guess the fuck what, it was a complete fucking disaster. Obviously, I was meant to never kiss him. Obviously, the regret was a waste of time and when I tried to change it, it blew up in my face. I ended up breaking the guys heart and now he's engaged to some chick I don't even know and 12 years of friendship is down the drain. Shit. Acting on regret = more regret. At least that's what I think. Some things are just meant to be.
Because I was sharing my view on why regret is a negative thing. Why shouldn't I have named it regret? What about my opening post gave you any idea that I was "worrying" about my past at all? Did you even read my opening post?
I think it was fairly apparent that I was speaking to a specofoc definition which is: To wish you had acted in a different manner from which you had. I regret making that phone call, as in, I wish I hadn't made that phone call, and wish I could take it back. or I regret NOT making that phone call, as in, I wish I HAD made that phone call, and wish I could go back and do it differently. If that wasn't clear, I apologize. I am sorry you have such a prejudiced, ill-founded view of something which can have a whole host of reasons behind it other than what you stated. Not in my view, no. The mistakes that have been repeated have still shaped your life and who you are. Ever heard of "The Butterfly Effect" or "Chaos Theory"?
