Atheist jokes?

Discussion in 'Religion Archives' started by Syzygys, May 14, 2008.

  1. Syzygys As a mother, I am telling you Valued Senior Member

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    I never heard an atheist joke, not even a bad one. If you know one, feel free to post it here.

    OK, I found some, although I wouldn't call them atheist jokes:

    http://www.atheistalliance.org/aaw/Jokes.htm

    So let me clarify, if Polish jokes make fun of Polish people, I would expect atheist jokes to make fun of atheists or the joke itself would work with atheism and not evolution or other topic. As I said, I never heard an atheist joke....
     
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  3. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

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    I have heard some, though truth be told, there is nothing funny about atheism, so they are rather dull.

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    * What do you get when you cross an atheist with a Jehovahs Witness?…. Someone who knocks at your door for no apparent reason.


    * One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books, the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species.
    Surprised, he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books?”
    “Well,” said the orangutan, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”


    * A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, “Jeff proposed to me an hour ago.”
    “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked.
    “Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
    Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”


    * Why did the atheist cross the road?
    He thought there might be another side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.


    * How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
    Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.


    * A Jew, A Catholic, and an atheist are rowing in Lake Erie when their boat springs a huge leak. The Jew looks skyward, and says “Oh, Adonai, if you save me, I promise I’ll sail to Israel and spend the rest of my days trying to reclaim the land you gave us.” The Catholic looks skyward, and says, “Oh, Jesus, if you save me, I promise I’ll fly to the Vatican and spend the rest of my days singing your praises.” The atheist says, “Oh, guys, if you pass me that one life preserver, I promise I’ll swim to Cleveland.” “And how will you spend the rest of your days?” the Jew and the Catholic ask. “Well,” says the atheist, “I’m not sure, but I can tell you one thing: I’ll never go rowing with other atheists.”

    And the least dull one:

    * An atheist was taking a walk through the woods, admiring all that evolution had created.

    “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!”, he said to himself. As he was walking along the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. When he turned to see what the casue was, he saw a 7-foot grizzly charging right towards him. He ran as fast as he could. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing, He ran even faster, crying in fear. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. His heart was pounding and he tried to run even faster. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up, but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

    At that moment, the Atheist cried out “Oh my God!….” Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent. Even the river stopped moving.

    As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky, “You deny my existence for all of these years; teach others I don”t exist; and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”

    The atheist looked directly into the light “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as Christian now, but perhaps could you make the bear a Christian?” “Very well,” said the voice.

    The light went out. The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest resumed.

    And then the bear dropped his right paw ….. brought both paws together…bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, for what I am about to receive, I am truly thankful.”
     
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  5. Syzygys As a mother, I am telling you Valued Senior Member

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  7. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

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    Hoo boy! I found a goodie

    During the Reign of Terror of the French Revolution, one morning's executions began with three men: a rabbi, a Catholicpriest, and a rationalist skeptic.

    The rabbi was marched up onto the platform first. There, facing the guillotine, he was asked if he had any last words. And the rabbi cried out, "I believe in the one and only true God, and He shall save me." The executioner then positioned the rabbi below the blade, set the block above his neck, and pulled the cord to set the terrible instrument in motion. The heavy cleaver plunged downward, searing the air. But then, abruptly, it stopped with a crack just a few inches above the would-be victim's neck. To which the rabbi said, "I told you so."

    "It's a miracle!" gasped the crowd. And the executioner had to agree, letting the rabbi go.

    Next in line was the priest. Asked for his final words, he declared, "I believe in Jesus Christ the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost who will rescue me in my hour of need." The executioner then positioned this man beneath the blade. And he pulled the cord. Again the blade flew downward thump! creak! ...stopping just short of its mark once more.

    "Another miracle!" sighed the disappointed crowd. And the executioner for the second time had no choice but to let the condemned go free.

    Now it was the skeptic's turn. "What final words have you to say?" he was asked. But the skeptic didn't hear. Staring intently at the ominous engine of death, he seemed lost. Not until the executioner poked him in the ribs and the question was asked again did he reply.

    "Oh, I see your problem," the skeptic said pointing. "You've got a blockage in the gear assembly, right there!"

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  8. Syzygys As a mother, I am telling you Valued Senior Member

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    See this one is not an atheist joke, it is an evolutionist joke:

    * One day the zoo-keeper noticed that the orangutan was reading two books, the Bible and Darwin’s Origin of Species.
    Surprised, he asked the ape, “Why are you reading both those books?”
    “Well,” said the orangutan, “I just wanted to know if I was my brother’s keeper or my keeper’s brother.”
     
  9. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

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    Hmm I've met a few atheists, does that count?

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  10. Syzygys As a mother, I am telling you Valued Senior Member

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    That was a good one, except that it actually proved the atheist!

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  11. Syzygys As a mother, I am telling you Valued Senior Member

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    An atheist walks into a bar and asks “did anyone see a priest and a rabbi come in? I was supposed to meet them outside to start a funny joke.”

    This joke above from the website I posted earlier where people had to finish the joke. That is pretty inventive...Other ones:

    "An atheist walked into a bar, but seeing no bartender he revised his initial assumption and decided he only walked into a room."
     
  12. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

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    Here is a good one:

    An atheist buys an ancient lamp at an auction, takes it home, and begins to polish it. Suddenly, a genie appears, and says, “I’ll grant you three wishes, Master.” The atheist says, “I wish I could believe in you.” The genie snaps his fingers, and suddenly the atheist believes in him. The atheist says, “Wow. I wish all atheists would believe this.” The genie snaps his fingers again, and suddenly atheists all over the world begin to believe in genies. “What about your third wish?” asks the genie. “Well,” says the atheist, “I wish for a billion dollars.” The genie snaps his fingers for a third time, but nothing happens. “What’s wrong?” asks the atheist. The genie shrugs and says, “Just because you believe in me, doesn’t necessarily mean that I really exist.”

    And from yours:

    An atheist, an agnostic and a transcendentalist walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "what the hell is this, some kinda joke?"
     
  13. Syzygys As a mother, I am telling you Valued Senior Member

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    Oh, you gonna love this, this is actually an argument:

    "An atheist walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, check out my new hair color.”

    The atheist replies, “But you don’t have any hair. How can you say bald is a hair color.”

    “The same way people say your religion is atheism.”"
     
  14. Syzygys As a mother, I am telling you Valued Senior Member

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    I don't like long jokes, but that was good, and also an argument! Just because you believe in something, that might not exist...

    "An atheist walked into a bar…

    …because it was there.

    …because the church down the street was full.

    …which specializes in stereotypes, and proceeded to order a baby sandwich and a bucket of believer’s blood to wash it down.

    …and sat down next to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who is visibly saddened. The atheist asks him, “Why the lo mein?”

    …and promptly discovered Christopher Hitchens had already drank the place dry."
     
  15. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

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    Thats a joke?:bugeye:

    Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?

    He stayed up all night wondering if there really was a dog.
     
  16. Syzygys As a mother, I am telling you Valued Senior Member

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    Only if you get the analogy...

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  17. S.A.M. uniquely dreadful Valued Senior Member

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    and the bartender said:

    JESUS CHRIST! You back again?
     
  18. Syzygys As a mother, I am telling you Valued Senior Member

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    None, they always see the light.

    None, Brights don’t need light bulbs.

    There’s no evidence to support the assertion that atheist change light bulbs.

    None. Atheists just hire eletrician, like anybody else.
     
  19. codanblad a love of bridges Registered Senior Member

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    SAM's right. we all get it. there's just no wit or humour.
     
  20. Enmos Valued Senior Member

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    Good one ! :thumbsup:
     
  21. Godless Objectivist Mind Registered Senior Member

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  22. iceaura Valued Senior Member

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    That's kind of - - - - what's the word - - - symptomatic. One would think the writer of that, rereading it, would have one of those flashes of enlightenment that koans produce.

    Sam other day, maybe.

    Meanwhile:

    I liked the one with the genie. And the one with the guillotine. And this one is growing on me, rescued from its unfortunate milieu:

    "An atheist walked into a bar…

    …because it was there. "
     

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