Bond Between Biological Parent Versus Adopted Parent

Discussion in 'Ethics, Morality, & Justice' started by lixluke, Aug 30, 2005.

  1. lixluke Refined Reinvention Valued Senior Member

    Say woman dies while having her baby.
    The baby is left with a father, and a dead mother.
    The father immediately remarries.
    His new wife becomes the mother of the child, and raises the child with total love for the child that is now her own. They are mother and child.

    Is there a difference in bond between this mother and baby from a bond between a child raised by a biological mother?
    Or is the bond between bilogical mother and baby stronger?
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  3. Bells Staff Member

    Interesting question..

    Women that I know who have adopted children and a few of them have had children of their own as well have told me that the intense love and 'bond' that they felt for their adopted child was just as strong, if not stronger, as that they felt for their own child after it was born.

    A couple, friends of ours in particular, had one child of their own when they decided to adopt a daughter from South Korea. The mother said that the feeling she felt the first time she held her adopted daughter was possibly more intense than what she actually felt the first time she saw her own natural son. As she admitted though, their struggle to adopt this little girl may have made those feelings more intense and the fact that she'd had a bad pregnancy may have contributed to her feeling less of a bond at first with her son when he was born. She, like many pregnant women, are told that when you have a child, that you feel an instant bond, instant love and adoration, instant everything basically. She often said that she actually felt like a bad parent because she did not feel that instantly as told she should. With her son, those feelings grew over time but with her adopted daughter, she said it was instant.. that even though she had not given birth to her, it was her daughter and she said that biological bond came instantly the first time she held her.

    But as many have told me though, sometimes that bond is instant, be it with one's own child or adopted child, and sometimes it is not instant and it takes time to grow and develop. I don't know, I guess that even though the child is adopted, you know it's yours, just as the child you give birth to is yours...
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  5. Imperfectionist Pope Humanzee the First Registered Senior Member

    The bond is probably about the same, but we can't entirely discount the first moments of a babies life. A newborn cow, for instance, bonds with it's mother in the first few minutes. There are things like pheremones, as well as voice recognition from all that time in the womb.
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  7. Bells Staff Member

    True. But I have also heard of elephants (as an example) adopting another calf and bonding with it as though it were it's own. Maternal instincts or hormones maybe? Because some animals that do adopt baby animals of the same or sometimes even different species can also have the call recognition that they would have with their own off-spring.
  8. Christopher3 BLINDED BY SCIENCE Registered Senior Member

    It dosn't matter as long as the parent is loving to the child.
  9. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

    The more social the species, the more transferable the parenting instinct is. Wolves will readily adopt orphaned cubs. It's an instinct for survival of the pack or the community.

    Even the biggest curmudgeon among us has a very strong instinct to protect children and would probably unthinkingly risk his life (hey, curmudgeons are always male, aren't they?) if he saw one in mortal danger. When that child is YOURS, no matter how it got that way, it kicks your instincts up into the next notch. I too have been told by an adoptive parent that when the nurse put that baby in their arms and said, "Here's your baby," it was like a toggle switch was flipped and their whole outlook on life changed. It didn't matter whose uterus or whose gene pool the baby was from.
  10. Jill Registered Member

    I am an adopted child (adult) myself. My parents have been my parents since I was a week old. I believe more research should be done to properly answer the original question. Don't get me wrong. I love my adoptive parents with all my heart and all my soul. My grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, and cousins too. However, after having met my biological family, I KNOW, there is a difference.

    My connection with my birth parents, grandparents, and cousins, was instant. Over the past 15 years of better getting to know them, that remains the same. It isn't something I can describe in words, but a sense, or feeling.

    Let me give you two examples here..
    I have an older cousin on my adoptive side of my family, who has always been my big sister in life. She is my guardian angel on earth, and I could not imagine my life without her. We have a very close relationship and I love her with all my heart. ...
    On my biological side, I have two 2nd cousins that we could all thee be the same person in different bodies. From emotions, to values, morals, likes, dislikes, and other behaviors. We were not raised together, but you would know that if you met us!

    I am not trying to say adopting a child, won't give you the love that having your own would. I am just letting you know, from a real point of view here.
  11. timojin Valued Senior Member

    Question: when did you got to know your cousins ( how old were you ), do you feel the same closeness , to your biological cousins as to your guardian sister ?
  12. Tiassa Let us not launch the boat ... Staff Member

    The difference is in the eye of the beholder.
  13. Jill Registered Member

    No, more a feeling, not a judgement.
  14. Jill Registered Member

    i was 18. I love them all the same, but there is a difference in the connection.
  15. Tiassa Let us not launch the boat ... Staff Member

    And still in the eye of the beholder.

    I admit, it was weird, at first, having a blood relative, but eventually I became accustomed to it and did well enough on that point that it hasn't, like, scarred her, or anything.
  16. birch Valued Senior Member

    Most of the time, you will only hear about the good stories and a lot of ignorance about the reality. The best adoptive parents are essentially very humane, therefore loving and tolerant people who know to be good guardians and providers. It is similar to adopting and loving a pet, you can still love it knowing you didnt give birth to it. You are the surrogate parent and no matter how much an adoptive parent or child would like to believe it is their child or parent, its not totally. It has no genetic relation.

    With all that said though, nurture does not fix or change all biology. It is also unrealistic to think that all people can grow to love everyone or any child. Every person is unique and ive heard plenty of not good stories especially from adopted children who did not feel loved or as they grew older those differences became more pronounced or obvious.

    I know of a couple who are doctors and do you know what their adoptive son does? He is a weedhead and a painter who constantly borrows money from his parents, even as an adult. All that nurture could not make up for genes or bad breeding. Its not surprising his relationship with them is estranged now.

    This also happens in the reverse where bad parents adopt a child with better potential or more evolved than them.

    Just as people form groups based on compatibility, real and sincere bonds are based on the same principles. Not everyone loves eachother, no matter what the outward appearances and motions may go through. Dont believe the pollyanna hype. There is always the other side; the relationships that didnt work and wrong fit with particular family or child.

    It should also be no surprise that adopted and stepchildren are consistently at greater risk of abuse. Why? Its obvious, its 'really' not their child.

    I truly believe only very special and evolved people should adopt where they have the general values to love any child because its a human being, child that needs care etc, not just to conform/contort them to be a mini-me of the parents or family. They must be tolerant, understanding and patient. They must have respect for individuality and that is the child may not be like you or agree with you or even follow in your footsteps. Realistically, its not even of your genes, first of all, and secondly it is a separate and unique person. People who adopt should realize that and not go in believing you can mold any child to your way of being. Certainly, you can either be beneficial, harmful or neutral but you cant force someone to be like you and nor should you. You should just help them find their own way and provide encouragement and resources.
    Last edited: Feb 14, 2017

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