Flash, Hi there friend. You are not a person that I would call week. However, I would call you too strong for your own good. Flash, I think that you an I are alike in many ways. Defense is a high priority with us. I'll tell you now, I have had to learn the hard way that there is no shame in realizing and even displaying your weaknesses. God still has to deal with me in this way today. I'm very strong willed. I'm full of pride. I'm dazzled by my own success. Yet, it is through my failures and my shame that God has been able to comfort and teach me most. Flash, I know that your are more than just angry. I know that it hurts. What must be more than a year of friendship, bonding, and expected good interaction has been destroyed. Well, Flash, I'm going to tell you something that I have only revealed to two other people in my life. It is not something I like to share. I think we are alike in that way too. We hate to share of ourselves personally when it means that someone might get to know us. Anyway, I was involved with a woman for something in the order of two years. Our relationship developed into an immoral sexual one. Needless to say, I placed her, in my life, before God. I was living away from Him in most every way. We lived with each other for a good amount of time. Then, one day, as we moved some of her things from her parents place in one state to the new house I had just gotten for us to live in, while we were at a gas station in Ohio, she left me. While I was in a total bliss in the relationship, she was lying to me about her feelings. Well, I found out. It's obvious that I'm leaving a lot out of this story. I don't think you really want to hear it all. Still, you need to know that I never hit her. We usually made up, after an argument, in the same day. I never cheated. I don't know that she did. I did everything that I could ever do for her. In fact, I was the first good man, even good person just in general, to come into her life. I nearly always considered her before me. I could have been a better man. Yet, I was far better than average. She was miserable before me. With me, she thanked me for teaching her that her life could have safety, joy, and meaning. Prior to knowing me, she had tried to kill herself some 13 times since her adolescence. With me, she finally had the freedom to make choices for herself and she was happy. Still, she was not satisfied. She wanted more than what she could envision of me. A year later, when she called me, wanting to get back together, all she could tell me was that she never meant to hurt me. Flash, let me tell you. All those words say when translated is that all she cared about was herself. All she could think of was what she wanted. Well, being that all I could think of was what she wanted too, I realized my horrible actions when she left me. I realized that I had sinned against God by placing her first in my life and not God. Still, I loved her more than myself. By the time that she called me, I had long since forgiven her. The anger that she thought she would have to face was not there. Now, you need to know that my forgiving her was saying that she owed me nothing and that I was seeking no compensation. That includes not wishing her harm or ill will of any kind. It did not mean that I could trust her as I had before. Trust must be earned. When she called, her idea was to entice me back with talk of physical pleasures. I had to let her know that God's good will in her life was that she trust her life to Him. This did happen after some time of repeated conversation between us. Forgiving her was the easy part. All I had to do was trust her over to God. He was sure to take care of her. Getting to that point was not easy. I cried like a baby every time I thought about her. I was never angry at her. I was hurt by here. We had a bond that I just never knew could be broken. Flash, I tell you the truth that I really thought of us as one person living in two bodies. It was as natural as could be for me to think of us as one. I felt a literal whole in my chest Flash!!! I thought I would die from the pain!!! It was funny, my life, business wise, was the best it had ever been. Adversity makes me more productive. I'll bet it does the same to you. All the while, inside, I was a wreck. I let no one see the real me. Night after night, I cried myself to sleep. I cried in the car. I cried on the toilet. In private, I was broken! I had no value. My meaning was gone. In my mind, I was obviously the worst and most disgusting man on Earth to have her discard me that way. I began to think just the worst things about myself. I had been sure I would die. I was not suicidal. I just thought I would die. I guess, in a way, I was suicidal. I began to do really irrational things. I up and quit my job with no reason. I ran up all kinds of extra bills I just did not need. I turned to pornography to comfort me in my emptiness. I looked for every way to avoid the pain that I could. God broke me down one step at a time until I finally gave it all to Him. It's good to note that God used me to lead her to Christ even while I was in the midst of some deep confusion. Though confused, He'll guide you out and use you to help others along the way. However, if you are in rebellion, you are lost and will suffer in a confused limbo of seemingly endless fixes that all lead to only more confusion. Flash, I care about you dearly. I understand the pain of friendship lost. Lori, I know that you are here too. You, also, I care for dearly. Furthermore, I fear the path that you now travel will bring you to the places that I have been. I would not wish those places on Satan. There is pain in the path that it is better not to know. This story is also meant for you. I know the pain of the things you have told me in private. I understand you both. I care for you both. I have only one answer,... Jesus Christ! He has never crossed anyone. I have another story for you two. When I was in fifth grade, the teacher, Mrs. Bellgrave, told the students of the class to each write about their best friend and share in front of the class. Well. I wrote about Evans, a classmate. We had always been good friends. We spent a good part of the last summer together. We lived in the same building. We shared many things and more time that I can remember. Evans wrote about some other kid. I was so embarrassed and hurt to have already told the class that Evans was my best friend and these too wrote about one another. I vowed to never trust anyone again. I have spent a lifetime of keeping that vow. No one can claim that I am too trusting. I can, in the time it takes to shake you hand and say hello, figure you out three ways from Sunday. Why? It's a residue of all the years I spent in distrust. Sure, you learn how to read people really well. You also get to live a life without joy. For many reasons, I had a rotten childhood. This was just one of them. It took me many years to get past a youthful vow made in childish ignorance. I still bare many of the scars today. You both have and are now making that same stupid choice I know so well. I say stupid, not to hurt you, but, to let you know that it really is!!! While the rest of the world goes on without you, you'll be hemmed up in your little defensive perimeter unable to get a breath of fresh air. You'll be the outcast. You will be the fool. You will not cause pain to the ones that hurt you. You will be the one suffering and in pain. Your live will become void. I know this path well. I know it's scars. It's like the proverbial black hole. You have to let go of you right to defend yourself. You've got to forget that there is a payment due for what has been done to you. That is the way to be free from the bondage of unforgiveness. The only way to accomplish this is to give the evil that has been done to you, the pain, and the person that committed the evil over to God. If you hold on to any part, you burden yourself to collect upon a debt that you cannot enforce. That is why unforgiveness is a burden to your relationship with God. You can't see through,... you weighed down by,... you are buffeted by,... things that are more than you can bare. One way or another, you are going to have to give away your pain. You can either give it to God or you will end up doing what has already been done here on exosci. With the Love God has given me, ISDAMan
"Strengthen the hands that are feeble, make firm the knees that are weak, Say to those whose hearts are frightened, Be strong, fear not! Here is your God, He comes with vindication; With divine recompense he comes to save you. Then will the eyes of the blind be opened, the ears of the deaf be cleared; Then will the lame leap like a stag, then the tongue of the dumb will sing." (Isaiah 35:3-6)
Far be it from me to judge, but it sounds like you need therapy to get over these things. You clearly still haven't dealt with them, or else they wouldn't be bothering you today. Okay, so you were a sucker for a chick. We've all been duped by the opposite sex at some point. It's called "hormones knocking you unconscious". The incident involving your "best friend", you guys were what, 10 years old? You were just kids for crying out loud. When I was 9, my "best friend" jumped ship for more "hip" friends. It hurt, but I got over it. It didn't change the way I viewed people, but it changed the way I viewed my former "best friend". I found a new friend and moved on with life. You need to face the past and admit that people are people and they can do stupid, hurtful things. Instead of desperately clinging to God and Jesus to soothe the booboos and owies of life, try walking on your own again. Use your own strength. You know you have it. You did it before, you can do it again.
ISDA, I appreciate your confession. Thank you for sharing. I think that we all could learn a lot if we do this ourselves ALL THE TIME. Everyday. That's what I do. But ISDA, you underestimate us! Just because you're close to Jesus doesn't mean that you never get down in the dumps or angry. Some days you are closer than others. It's a constant responsibility, and with so much sin there's a lot of pain to go with it. We all have good days and bad ones, and you know, I like you am thankful for the bad ones. Pain is a great thing to learn from. All is well. Thanks for your compassion.
It is a good thing to be broken before God. To cry out with all your being to save you in your weakest, most vulnerable place. God hears those cries and he comes to us. He teaches us so much about real love.. Christ wants to give us exceedingly and abudantly more than we can possibly know.. Trusting Him as Lord, ruler of my heart and life, allowing Him to bring into it all that is wanted, needed and required is a process. But great are the rewards... The enemy knows our weaknesses too, he comes in so very subtle to place obstacles that turn into very big strongholds and it becomes harder and harder to hear Gods voice, we even begin to compromise and get further away. Lord stay close to me, let not your presence leave me, let me be seen as one after your own heart......
Oxygen, Thank you. I can see that you truly mean well but I don't think that you caught what was being pointed out. The focus was not upon the pain of those situations. The focus was upon the way out and the results of not taking the way out that God provides. Furthermore, the things that make you you (mentally speaking), are shaped mostly by your childhood. A lack of trust, for example is formed by more than just one painful little spat. For example, in your relationship with your father, you expressed that it degraded over a long period of time. You go on with your life, yet, you would rather it not be with that relationship degraded. Though Christ has freed me and given me peace, I too wish that some aspects of my life had never degraded in the first place. Still, God uses those times to help others and me. It's no fun admitting my foolish sins. It's a duty that is more important than my pride. Jesus is the answer, ISDAMan [This message has been edited by ISDAMan (edited January 18, 2000).]
Lori, I can see what you may be getting at. Still, to be exact, there is not a day that goes by that any child of God can get any closer to God without dieing. What can change is the realization that child has of the Father that he or she is close to. God promises to stay with us always. There can be no distance gained. We can't outrun His Love!!! The best we can do is to try an look at other things,... usually things we want for ourselves,... things that make us look good in front of others,... things that add to our own self defense. I have had to learn the hard way that to feel more distant is a trick of perception. It's a symptom. The true problem is a wrong focus,... a vision that is poorly directed upon things other that what is of God. The post clearly shows that I turned away from God. Still, he was there with me the whole time. He was quick to bring me back into a right focus using the very end results of my own sin. He is that way with us all. With the painful and damaging results of our own sin, God will produce peace and victory in those that are broken before Him and admit that they have NO POWER of their own to repair their own lives. This is critical. As long as we think that there is even the smallest part that we will take care of appart from God or, any part that we say we will take care of and just expect God to rubber stamp as o.k., we invite greater agony. I learned that, for a time, I needed to get away from all the world and focus in on God. This is the example Christ has set down for us. I only wish that I had learned sooner. The next challenge is not becoming high minded after the repair work has been rendered. Jesus can make any mend, ISDAMan
Sorry guys but booboos and owies made me laugh real hard. Talk about sounding like my 4 year old daughter. Say your not 4 years old are you Oxy? Good to see people keen on making up, it does the heart good, now everyone smile and say friends. (simple advice from my 4 year old daughter) Hey Flash, you out there? Speak to us, speak to us. Take care - H2o.
Micah & Christian, What else can I say but that it is wonderful to be among family. See you both when we get Home! Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! Much Love, ISDAMan
Hey Tony.. Yes, I'm here... See me???? Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! ISDAMan, I too want to thank you for sharing your stories. I think it took guts to come out here and confess the things you did. I know it wasn't easy... so I do sincerely thank you for sharing. You found answers and peace in God from these stories that you have shared...and I am not trying to take that from you, ok? I think that different people find answers and peace from different sources...not just one. So what I find important here is this. People should focus on what works for them. Then go with it. We all have the ability to learn from our mistakes... be it christian or non-believer.. I just choose not to limit my choices....
Hello Gang, My heart runneth over... Peace and love. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!
Allright!! ..Until were finished with this race, we look forward, press in towards the prize ahead.......... LOL
ISDA, That's what I meant. I didn't think that God wasn't close to me, but that I wasn't close to Him. He's constant, while I in my humanity am not, and it's kind of obvious to me and I'm sure to others when I turn a blind eye. It's not easy. Takes time like anything else that you're trying to learn. Hey, I'm just thankful that I'm even on that curve somewhere. I couldn't ask for a better teacher, that's for sure. Take care! ------------------ "Go Jesus, go! Go Jesus, go!" I finally get to be the cheerleader that I always wanted to be but could not, as I was not a fluff chick.
Tony-I assure you I haven't been four years old for awhile, although if I was only 4, that'd be pretty impressive given the rest of the vocabulary I've displayed here. Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! I actually chose those words for a reason. We all go through trouble in our lives, some of it bigger than others, but it doesn't have to change our lives and leave us crying on the sidewalk like a child that has fallen off of a bike. My relationship with my father deteriorated, yes, but it rebuilt itself after I asked him to choose. God didn't rebuild it, my father and I did. The issue of God was tearing it asunder. Once I displayed how his actions were making me feel, we removed God from the equation and the troubled waters were calm again. God is now a matter of discussion, not sermon. Despite this "falling off a bike" in my life, I have not been left crying on the sidewalk waiting for God or Jesus to pick me up and put a Band-aid on my skinned little knee. (I apologize if this sounds like I'm belittling you, ISDAMan. Only you can know how much pain you've been through. I'm belittling my own problems.) I got up on my own, grabbed the bike, and rode on. (Look, ma! No God!) Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! ------------------ I may not agree with what you have to say, but I will fight, kill, and die for your right to say it. [This message has been edited by Oxygen (edited January 19, 2000).]
