Do u hate ur parents

Discussion in 'Human Science' started by darksidZz, Dec 30, 2011.

  1. darksidZz Valued Senior Member

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    Mines are fucking driving me crazy and always have. my idiot father is an bseessive demeaning jerk how about urs
     
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  3. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

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    Instead of complaining why don't you get a job and move into your own place, you are almost 40 years old aren't you?
     
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  5. scheherazade Northern Horse Whisperer Valued Senior Member

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    My parents divorced when I was 11 and I haven't seen my natural father since then. My mother did the best she knew how and it was a struggle at times. I was taught a good work ethic and honesty, traits which have stood me in good stead.

    My mother is getting old and is visibly failing. One day she will no longer be here.

    When we lose our parents, we may appreciate, perhaps for the first time, the meaning of the word 'alone', no matter our age or the other relationships in our life.

    The umbilical cord does not sever until your mother dies.

    It is regrettable that you do not have a good relationship with your father. Do you have a better relationship with your mother?
     
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  7. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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    One of my friends recently lost his father and at the funeral i was thinking about my own dad. I cant imagin life without my dad, sure i live a state away from him but he is still there for me when i need him and he has always loved us
     
  8. chimpkin C'mon, get happy! Registered Senior Member

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    My dad never should have been a parent...or allowed around female children. My mom was only verbally and mildly physically abusive. SSRI's really mellowed her out.

    She tried quitting Prozac, and at the end of the prozac-less month she started going off verbally on my then-teenage brother in the way she used to go off on me all the time...minus the slapping...and he was shocked.

    She went back on prozac.

    A few weeks ago...I wanted to see how hard they slapped me in the face as a kid. Not sure why, but I wanted to see how much force I needed to use to replicate that feeling on an adult body.
    It required me to use a Houston yellow pages and both hands to hit myself that hard in the face.
    This is not including the time my dad knocked me to the floor...he put ice on my swollen lip so mom would not come home to see it.

    So, DarksidZz, your dad sounds like he's emotionally abusive and not good to be around. Get your $hit together and move out, because the longer you are there, the more helpless you'll feel.
     
  9. Michael 歌舞伎 Valued Senior Member

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    20,285
    I used to resent my father and mother, mainly because of growing up in a white-trash trailer park with an alcoholic mother and then visiting an alcoholic father with his bitch wife (whose son was a spoilt brat and once stole my entire life savings and blew it on a weekend). My parents never once hit me. I slowly accepted them as they were and moved on with my life. I did later discover my father was severely beaten daily to weekly (usually with a wooden 2x4) and my mother was emotionally messed up watching her mother get beaten (usually with a 2x4).

    Try to remember that your parents were once kids too. You may want to ask them about it, if anything, to put things in perspective for yourself.
     
  10. Asguard Kiss my dark side Valued Senior Member

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    Before its to late, once they are gone you cant get them back
     
  11. Kittamaru Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Adieu, Sciforums. Valued Senior Member

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    My father is an alcoholic looser who gave up his family and his marriage for his love of the bottle. He was physically and emotionally abusive up until the point at which I learned I could hit back and that I hit harder than he did, at which point his rage was kept in check by the simple fact that I could, and would, kick his ass if he ever laid a hand on my brother or I again.

    My mother... she is more subtle. Emotionally abusive using guilt-trips and subterfuge to get what she wants. Not to mention a simple liar and incapable of even the simplest of thought as to how her actions/words affect other people. She forces my brother into activities he cannot stand, most of which involve spending time with her and her girlfriends family, and punishes my brother for any wrongdoing using the same pointless tactics that she used on me as a kid, and I grew up simply resenting her for what she did and learned to do things my own way. Never have I seen her give guidance or reason for a misdeed - punishment, however, is swiftly delivered, leaving my brother knowing he did something wrong but with no way to readily correct said action (often revolving around his time spent on the computer, which she cannot understand is a social thing for him as he is always playing multiplayer games with friends from school and abroad... she is content to kick him off the computer and let him watch tv instead, go figure).

    So, yeah, I can safely say I hate, despise, and otherwise loath my parents - in fact, the only thing I'm truly happy for is that I have a great idea and a perfect example of how NOT to treat my own children when I become a father. *shrugs* I guess that's enough for me though

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  12. ULTRA Realistically Surreal Registered Senior Member

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    Mine are dead as is my partner. My advice would be to get the hell over it, and do what's important. You might not get another chance and when they're gone it's too damn late to do anything. If you wanna use all your short life hating, thats your perogative. I personally can't see the sense in it.
     
  13. RichW9090 Evolutionist Registered Senior Member

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    151
    If you really are 40 and live at home, which I hope was just a joke, and you still write the way you did in the OP, then you deserve what you've got. Grow up.
     
  14. WillNever Valued Senior Member

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    2,594
    I don't hate them. They are both flawed people, my mother having suffered from drug addiction and mental illness and my father having been emotionally and physically abusive. I think I will always resent those aspects of them while loving them for other aspects.
     
  15. Kittamaru Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Adieu, Sciforums. Valued Senior Member

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    WillNever, I think that's why I hate my parents so much... my mom was adopted and my grandparents were strict, yes, but fair and incredible people who both did so much to help out in the community. My father came over here from England to marry my mother and pretty much left his family alone, including an ex wife and two kids from a past marriage he was kicked out of for drinking and basically being a douche.

    My parents had/have no grasp of money, and one of the last things my grandfather did before he died was took out a new mortgage on his home (which was fully paid off) in order to loan my parents something around $80,000 in order to pay off credit card debt and other shit they had racked up...

    I still get calls from debt collectors now and then trying to collect on a way-overdue payment for Direct TV from my father, who now is back overseas after the divorce... sadly we share the same name and I guess since I live at the address it ends up falling onto me, which is awesome because it's screwed up my credit score something terrible (after all, it's many years delinquent) and I can't do anything about it - I've challenged it several times, had it removed, and when it goes to a new debt collector it just pops right back up. What's amazing is, I was a MINOR at the time the service contract went into effect... in other words, it would have been ILLEGAL for me to have gotten the service!

    *sigh* Yeah, I hate them... but you know what, I don't care, lol... they aren't worth worrying about at this point.
     
  16. superstring01 Moderator

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    12,110
    No.

    I tell people all the time that, taken on the whole, I can measure a typical person's maturity by the level of anger they hold for their parents.

    There are, of course, numerous exceptions (abuse, neglect, etc). But, in most typical cases, American youths build up a lot of anger at their parents between 15-22. It begins to dissipate between 25-30. I followed the same trend, and my dad was not the nicest fellow (told me that all gays should be lined up and shot, when I was 15).

    It's just so easy to play the victim and blame parents for their mistakes. I could have held a grudge and never worked to repair the relationship, and nobody would ever have blamed me. It's just that, over time, I saw what actions I was committing (like, telling him that I wish he would have died instead of my mother . . . repeatedly for about five years) that pushed my father beyond his limits. We fought and said a lot of evil shit to each other. Granted, he was the adult, but who the hell ever said that parents are perfect and should always make the best choices.

    Here's a harsh dose of reality: We are all damaged goods. Every parent damages their kids. Some, more than others. But, every parent leaves bruises on their kids psyche because parents aren't perfect. Parenting is a heinously stressful and often times thankless job for which parents receive little social support. They are on their own to muddle through most of the lessons. So, yeah, they fuck-up and hurt their kids. In fact, I'm almost inclined to think that it's healthy (except, of course, for the severe, malicious and cruel stuff). Part of my drive in life is because of some of the harsh lessons (both good and bad) that my dad taught me. Credit where credit's due.

    And, in the end, I have a great and very unique relationship with my ultra-religious, conservative father. We love each other. He treats me like an equal, which he does not do to any of my five other siblings. Our unique trail caused him dispense with his normal view of "the maturing of a man" (adulthood, service to country, marriage, then children) and see me as an equal to him because of my own path (adulthood, addiction, rehab then career passion). I'm the only one of "the children" who my dad swears around and who swears around him. We have a close relationship that's closer to friendship than "father and son" because that relationship never worked for either of us. I don't even call him "dad" (I call him "pop" or "pops" . . . like, "Hey pops, what's going on today."). All of my other siblings call him "dad" or "daddy".

    So, whever's going on in your life, well, try to understand it from your parents PoV. Here's what made me build my bridge:
    • My dad was born in the fourties.
    • For better or worse, he was raised to believe there was a certain order to the world and came to believe that that order was righteous. (God, Country, Man as head of and provider to the family, Wife as head of House, Children as obedient beings within that structure; often times "seen and not heard"). He never sat and pondered how that relationship could hurt those within it. To him, it worked for centuries. It served God, Country and Family and those were more important than "individual desires". It was about those things.
    • One day, people came along and shattered that structure. He didn't understand why. It's not so much that he didn't understand why women wanted equality (he admitted, he sure would), but that "we all had to sacrifice our own desires." My dad was a playboy as a young man, but he set that aside when he married. He wanted to drink with friends, but he set that aside to provide for family. He wanted Sunday's off to play/watch football, but he spent it going to church. His life as "master of the house" wasn't all fun and games. It was a lot of work and sacrifice. So, why couldn't women do the same?
    • Some time later, some people said that they didn't want to marry the opposite sex. Suddenly things that used to be wrong were no longer "wrong". Why? Why couldn't the pattern that existed for millennia be so wrong? He just didn't get it.

    When I sat and connected the dots that made sense to him, I realized how much the world had shifted around him and how much the foundation (and expected foundation) had been pulled out from under him. He was a white man, master of the nation, suddenly being told, "Nope. You're not master anymore. You are an equal to women and minorities. And you know what? You aren't even master of your children anymore. Here are rules for how you interact with them. OH, and there won't be prayer to your god anymore, nor a pledge to the flag for which you were fighting. . . " and on and on.

    It's not so much that I agree with those assertions, but that I understand how he was raised with a certain notion of how the world would operate and then that world was changed right in front of him. Even after painting a clear picture as to why women, gays and non-Christians were being wronged and how the "old structure" was very harmful to these people, he still falls back on (a) his hopes were dashed and regardless of the righteousness of the changes, his hopes were nevertheless dashed and (b) it worked for so long, so it couldn't have been so bad.

    And, you know, that had to hurt.

    Now, my dad has grown a lot. He's a hell of a lot more open minded about gender, race and even sexual preference issues, but he's still an old fashioned guy and just as he's moved forward to keep a good relationship with me (as well as others), I have to be willing to meet him somewhere closer to his base. After all, he's my dad and he's done a whole hell of a lot of good in my life, so . . . he's earned it.

    ~String
     
  17. Gremmie "Happiness is a warm gun" Valued Senior Member

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    2,593
    Wow...Hate's a pretty strong word.

    I am actually not sure I hate anyone...Requires too much effort, if you ask me.

    But, as far as parents go...My biological father died in the Vietnam War/Conflict, when I was 4...So, never really knew him. Certainly can't say I hate him, or even dislike him.

    My mother had me at 18. (she should never have been allowed to give birth.)
    But, what's done is done....I bounced around from family member to family member, from age 12 to 17 ( And, that to say the least, was NOT a happy time in my life.)...The same day I graduated high school, I joined the Navy...


    (And got as far away as possible.)

    My mother and I have never, and will never, bond or get along...

    But, to say you hate a parent, I just think that's a strong word to sling around...:m:
     
    Last edited: Dec 31, 2011
  18. Kittamaru Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Adieu, Sciforums. Valued Senior Member

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    @ superstring - see, I think that's grand - you can see the good he's done and respect him for it. I used to try and do that with my parents... but I came to a stark conclusion one day - any "good" they do, they do soley for their own gains. I have never witnessed my parents doing something for someone simply for the sake of doing something nice - they ALWAYS expected something in return.
     
  19. scheherazade Northern Horse Whisperer Valued Senior Member

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    3,798
    It is said that abuse sets in where knowledge ends, and also there is a proverb, "As the twig is bent, so grows the tree (or so the tree is inclined, another variant).

    Individually and collectively, we vacillate between competition and co-operation, for we are a social species and such is our nature. We have a wide range of communication skills, yet it is impossible for another to entirely experience our own perspective, for the simple reason that each of us has circumstances that are unique to the self. We can sympathize and empathize, yet we can never fully know the complete joys and challenges of each other.

    No matter how we perceive them, parents give us life. We enter the world by way of the womb, and for this reason the woman is considered to give more of herself to the process than the male, although many males give in different ways to provide for their offspring.

    Some males contribute little more than genetics, leaving the woman and society to rear their wild oats, while other persons may form strong bonds between family alliances, even with the usual family feuds thrown in.

    Very interesting comments by all, especially superstring01's remarks about how much changes his father's generation has seen. Is this not true of every generation, when we think about it?

    Each generation builds upon the foundation of the former, and we are indeed all flawed in our own manner. Some of us may have more visible physical and emotional scars than others, and some seem to have been favored by fortune while others struggle.

    For the opportunity of this experience, why should we waste our own personal resources on hating the means of our arrival?

    As flawed as we may be, each person is usually doing the best that they are capable of at the time.

    The things that all of us 'hate' and that are greatly in need of change are the 'symptoms' of the greater problem, IMO.

    In the words of Erich Fromm, “Man is the only animal for whom his own existence is a problem which he has to solve”.
     
  20. Aqueous Id flat Earth skeptic Valued Senior Member

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    6,152
    My parents are long gone. I have lost all of my family, my wife, and now am flying solo.

    I wish they were here. I miss them. And so that's the possible scenario everyone ultimately faces.

    I was fortunate that I had kind and gentle parents. If I'd ever felt the slightest anger against them, I would be having remorse about that every day.

    Believe me grief is better than remorse.

    So, make up, try to get along, get therapy, whatever it takes. Don'y try to change them, just try to change yourself. You'll be glad you did.

    Good luck to you all.
     
  21. superstring01 Moderator

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    12,110
    As I said, there are unique exceptions. Sounds like your parents are mildly sociopathic. For that I am sorry to hear. There is no bigger role in a person's formative life than their parents and to have that role left unfilled, or otherwise filled with an undeserving individual, has got to be quite painful.

    Being someone who had a horrible relationship with his father, who's mother died when he was 11, I can say that I do understand where you're coming from, but I was able to find what I did that made it go south. After working passed that, I helped both my father and me grow.

    In your case and for any number of reasons, this may not be possible.

    Take care.

    ~String
     
  22. quantum_wave Contemplating the "as yet" unknown Valued Senior Member

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    I wish I could go back and make sure my Mom knew how much I loved her. I'm afraid I failed in many opportunities to make that clear. She knew it, but remembering just a few incidences in her last years that I could have been a better son makes me have regrets that linger even now four years later. I was there for her and helped all the way, but my attitude was regretful sometimes

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    . I would call it, saying the wrong things while doing the right things.

    The message is that if you do love your parents you say the right things while doing the right things. When they are gone you will rethink the times when they were still here and I don't want you to have the regrets I have had.

    Of course there is no reason to believe anyone else is as big of a dope as me when it comes to these things.
     
  23. Kittamaru Ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Adieu, Sciforums. Valued Senior Member

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    Oh, I had that role fulfilled by my Grandfather who passed away almost two years ago now... he was, and always will be, the man who was my Father. My "dad" is nothing more than the dna donor at this point *shrugs* The only part about it that ever really hurt me was that, a few years before his drinking started getting bad again (because he had been sober for a while), I actually sat down with him for a few hours and we talked and I forgave him for everything... and I told him I did. I let it all go... the pain of eighteen years of abuse at his hands... and what does he do? He started drinking again and made all the same mistakes with my brother suffering at his hand... but some people never learn, do they :shrug:
     

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