I Lost My Way.

Discussion in 'Eastern Philosophy' started by EmptyForceOfChi, Jun 22, 2008.

  1. EmptyForceOfChi Banned Banned

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    I don't exactly remember when, time became a blur I fell off the path I was following. I became hostile and insecure within my self, wonder turned to boredom, love turned to hate, joy turned to depression, hope and enlightenment were gone. I failed everybody, trust turned to jelousy as I transformed into a bitter dark individual. I started to inflict fear naturaly on those who loved me, evrything I once was just vanished as I was blinded by selfishness and evil. First to be taken from me was my own understanding of dao, then my partner and child, followed by my proffession, then gradualy friends. I seemed to live outside of times bubble just staying in a state of eerie darkness wile everything past me by. I awoke from this state mentaly finding myself already in the company and relation of a beautiful angel like being. She showed me love I punished her for it, she showed me god I rejected it, She showed me hope I killed it, She showed me compassion I cast it aside, she showed me trust I judged it and threw it away. Then she showed me our twin children who will soon walk the earth given grace. I stopped and realised who i had become.


    If I ruin this I am truley not worthy of greatness, I gave myself to god asking him to purge the evil cloud that was inside me, no change was permanent. I gave myself to allah who was the same god with still no answers. I turned to Ch'an Buddhism which taught me nothing, I looked up and asked the universe what is wrong with me, and it just continued to exist without speaking. I saw my own hate for god inside me, I hated that he didn't exist to me. Then I realised after all of my former teachings I had once been taught, by my master and by life itself I still knew nothing of who I was or what existence was. I realise that no teachings could solve my problems as I needed proof of everything, My eyes needed to see to believe, I had no faith in anything I was scared to lose things I had Aquired in this life, mostly people. I needed an answer that was proven.


    I was outside sitting on the grass in the sun, I looked around then I looked up and laughed. Thinking to myself that nothing makes sense "how can anything exist there should be complete nothingness, how can god exist to create anything in the first place, everything is too perfect look how everything compliments each other." Whats the meaning of life? then it hit me the answer is the question itself, the meaning of life is life itself. existence is the meaning, I was too busy caught up with the minor details and changing of events that i forgot to look at life in its entire form, now when i look at someting i dont think whats the reason for its existence, I just smile at it and embrace it as part of me.


    I did a full circle of searching and ended up in the exact same position i was in years ago as a humble daoist. I found dao, it wasnt hiding mysteriously in riddles, questions and answers. I was dao all along. without thinking i understood, without searching i found, without doing i done it.


    now i can go back to being an asshole and making fun of everything, because life is a joke and i find it funny again.



    peace.
     
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  3. EmmZ It's an animal thing Registered Senior Member

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    You're alright fella. Still breathing. You have those little two bundles of joy to look forward to. Stay focused on them, you'll be good. Love conquers all.
     
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  5. EmptyForceOfChi Banned Banned

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    Im fine now, I jut have a few minor personality problems as a result of my wierd little mental state that I went through, I have a few trust issues left to sort out thats all. but as far as I can tell im doing pretty good with that so far.

    peace.
     
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  7. nietzschefan Thread Killer Valued Senior Member

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    You should read some Albert Schweitzer, for shits and giggles at least...
     
  8. EmptyForceOfChi Banned Banned

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    I will look into some on the net soon thanks

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    .

    I have been reading alot of buddhist scriptures lately, and believe it or not the quran and the bible.


    peace.
     
  9. nietzschefan Thread Killer Valued Senior Member

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    That kind of thing can be good for your "soul". Schweitzer will get it in your "head".
     
  10. EmptyForceOfChi Banned Banned

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    I have never read any of his work atall, im having trouble taking in and processing information lately. I read a book called Zen Buddhism by D.T suzuki yesteday and now I cant recall anything of what I read. I stare into space alot now too without thinking anything,


    peace.
     
  11. draqon Banned Banned

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    so, you are back.

    I thought you died.
     
  12. EmptyForceOfChi Banned Banned

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    In a way I did die, Im not the same person I was before. but I still see death as a transformation I guess.

    peace.
     
  13. draqon Banned Banned

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    and martial arts? no more?
     
  14. EmptyForceOfChi Banned Banned

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    I quit Shaolin for good and muay thai, I only train in Taiji now.

    peace.
     
  15. Enmos Valued Senior Member

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    Glad you're back man !

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  16. EmptyForceOfChi Banned Banned

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    Feels like I never left, where are all the crazy people? its so tame now, I want to see some radical extremists posting wierd and stupid things. I even looked in the cesspool which now seems like the free thought section. This place feels like some kind of scientific community forum.

    Oh and thanks, hope your alright.

    peace.
     
  17. Carcano Valued Senior Member

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    I thought maybe you got the job with MI5...and thus became silent, hiding behind dark glasses.
     
  18. Enmos Valued Senior Member

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    Crazy people ? I'm right here.. :shrug:

    Fancy killing some humans ?
     
  19. EmptyForceOfChi Banned Banned

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    What!!! we left some of those humies alive? get your laser cannons out and turn your mind powers to full power, we got scum to irradicate.


    peace.
     
  20. Carcano Valued Senior Member

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    Losing your way proves at least one thing...that you are not complacent!
     
  21. Enmos Valued Senior Member

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    LOL ingenious to put 'peace' at the end of that

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  22. EmptyForceOfChi Banned Banned

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    But I am qute insane though.

    peace.
     
  23. EmptyForceOfChi Banned Banned

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    Thats just a ploy to make everyone think I am nice, these humans tend to focus on the last thing said rather than the message itself. it also makes the mods give me less tickets. i havent had an infraction for like a year.

    peace.
     

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