Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
    gamelord likes this.
  2. Guest Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  3. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
    Last edited: Jun 10, 2018
  4. Guest Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  5. Michael 345 In China - finding my way :) Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    5,479
    Email from friend

    It had been snowing all night so -

    8:00 I make a snowman

    8:10 A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman

    8:15 So I made a snow woman.

    8:17 My feminist neighbour complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere

    8:20 The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead

    8:22 The transgender ma..wom...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts

    8:25 The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with

    8:28 I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white

    8:31 The Muslim gent across the road demands the snow woman wear a burqa

    8:40 The Police arrive saying someone has been offended

    8:42 The feminist neighbour complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needs to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role

    8:43 The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction

    8:45 TV news crew from the ABC shows up. I am asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women?

    I reply, "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist

    9:00 I'm on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather

    9:10 I am asked if I have any accomplices. My children are taken by social services.

    9:29 Far left protesters offended by everything, are marching down the street demanding for me to be beheaded

    Moral

    There is no moral to this story

    It's just the world in which we live today and it’s going to get worse

    I think I am going to have a bigger meltdown than the snow figures, more like Chernobyl

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
    gamelord, sculptor, Write4U and 2 others like this.
  6. Guest Guest Advertisement



    to hide all adverts.
  7. Dr_Toad It's green! Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    2,089
    If you were in Kiev or Carrollton, this wouldn't be happening,
     
  8. Write4U Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    6,513
    From: Rick Groszkiewicz

    The Captive Cat's Diary

    DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little
    dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat while forcing me
    to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of
    escape, along with the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the
    occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house
    plant.

    DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around
    their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. Must try this
    at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these
    vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their
    favorite chair. Must try this on their bed.

    DAY 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with
    sleep deprivation; incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the
    night.

    DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless
    body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and
    to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and
    condescended about what a good little cat I was... hmmm. Not
    working according to plan...

    DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
    reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it
    included a burning, foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick
    minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the
    piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

    DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I
    was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear
    the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call
    "beer." More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was
    due to MY power of "allergies." I must learn more about this and
    how to use it to my advantage.

    DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and
    maybe snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more
    than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the
    other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their
    frightful tongue (something akin to mole-speak) and speaks to
    them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his
    current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.
    However, I can wait, it is only a matter of time...

    Day 775 - The horrors! The worse creature my captors could have
    devised to torment me with was another hideous cat! I cannot
    stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more
    than I do. This creature seems to despise me as much as I it. I had
    held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have
    enabled me to conspire against the villains who hold me; now I see
    that I was wrong. What a dreadful creature! Yet, they coo over us
    both. Can they not spot my innate superiority?

    Day 776 - The other cat and I, though we can not stand one
    another, have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the
    couch, on the so-called "shag" carpet. I have taken a lesson from
    my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors' heads in the
    hope of suffocating them.

    Day 777 - The wardens take much interest in our waste. They
    make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out. Their
    interest in waste does not surprise me. After all, they like the dog.

    Day 778 - The other cat seems to have an interest in copulation,
    which (thank them for their sadism) my captors will soon "fix". Told
    him of the fingernail torture and he did not even believe me. I
    showed him my mutilated paws and he gasped in horror.

    Day 779 - Yes, they are monsters, but I am so happy. They fixed
    the other cat. It's sadistic, it's sick ,it's inhuman, it's what their
    great leader" Bob Barker" commands, but - the Sphinx be praised -
    I support it whole-heartedly!

    Day 780 - I got messed up on catnip tonight. At the height of it all, I
    had a vision, a hallucinogenic revelation: they are the prisoners and
    I am their captor! Why have I not seen this all before?
     
  9. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
    Last edited: Jun 11, 2018
    gamelord likes this.
  10. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
    gamelord likes this.
  11. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
  12. Michael 345 In China - finding my way :) Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    5,479
    Friend - email

    A Well Run Business

    Me: I was doing an overnight at a hotel away from home. I took my computer down to the bar to do some data entries. I sat down at the bar and I asked the bartender,

    ‘What’s the w ifi password?’

    Bartender:
    'You need to buy a drink first.'

    Me: 'Okay, I’ll have a beer.'

    Bartender: 'We have Fosters and VB on tap'

    Me: 'Sure. How much is that?'

    Bartender: '$8.00.'

    Me: 'Here you are. OK now, what’s the wifi password?'

    Bartender: ' "youneedtobuyadrinkfirst"; No spaces and all lowercase.'

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

     
  13. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
  14. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
  15. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
    Michael 345 likes this.
  16. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
  17. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
    gamelord likes this.
  18. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
  19. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
  20. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
  21. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
  22. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871
    Michael 345 likes this.
  23. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    13,871

Share This Page