# Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

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The funniest part is the camera man laughing his arse off in the background!

3. ### Michael 345New year. PRESENT is 70 years oldValued Senior Member

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Apologies for my inappropriate post

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5. ### TheFroggerValued Senior Member

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Not to worry Michael345.

7. ### Michael 345New year. PRESENT is 70 years oldValued Senior Member

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With a nod to Sheldon Cooper

Q - Why did the Troll cross the Mobius Strip bridge?

A - To get to the same side

8. ### davewhite04Valued Senior Member

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Paddy says to Johnny(another Irishman), we'll build a pub and sell beer
So they build a pub. Sure enough he gets virtually no customers.
Paddy says to Johnny, Maybe I should of built a brothel house, Johnny says, if they don't drink beer what makes you think they'll eat broth?

9. ### BensonRegistered Senior Member

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Women are the only creatures to defy the laws of gravity.

The heavier they are, the easier they are to pick up.

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10. ### sideshowbobSorry, wrong number.Valued Senior Member

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Generic Ethnic Joke

Two hunters of a particular ethnicity not known for high intelligence shot a moose. They each grabbed a hind leg and started to drag it back to their truck but the antlers kept digging into the ground and catching on branches, etc. Finally one of them said, "I've got an idea. Let's grab the antlers and pull it that way."

So they tried it and sure enough it worked a lot better. Then his buddy dropped his antler and said, "Wait a minute. This is no good."

The first one said, "What do you mean? It's a lot easier, isn't it?"

"Yeah, but we're getting farther away from the truck."

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11. ### James RJust this guy, you know?Staff Member

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The same joke could be made about men, of course, so why the sexism?

12. ### Write4UValued Senior Member

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The Dog’s Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary
Day 983 of My Captivity
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.
The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now ...

Anonymous

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13. ### sideshowbobSorry, wrong number.Valued Senior Member

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A farmer was driving his mule and wagon down the road. When he came to a gate he said, "Whoa," but the mule just kept on going. The farmer got down, took a 2x4 from the wagon and hit the mule over the head with it. "I said whoa!" The mule stopped.

The farmer opened the gate and tried to lead the mule through but it wouldn't move. He took the 2x4 and hit the mule over the head again. The mule followed him though the gate.

The farmer closed the gate and got back on the wagon and said, "Giddyup," but the mule didn't move.

The farmer was reaching for the 2x4 again when a bystander (who had conveniently seen the whole incident) said to him, "That mule isn't very well trained."

"O yeah," the farmer objected, "He's the smartest mule I ever had."

"Then why do you have to hit him with that 2x4 to get him to do anything?"

"Well, I have to get his attention first."

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Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."

The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."

"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"

Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

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A couple are on Holidays in Jerusalem. The wife suddenly has a serious heart attack and dies. Her Husband contacts a Funeral Parlour and tells him the details asking how much for a burial and funeral.
The manager says "well if you like to conduct the service and burial here in Jerusalem, it will cost you $50, but if you chose to fly her body back home to Australia, it will cost$50,000 including air fare. The Hubby thinks for a while and decides to fly her back home at the exorbitant $50,000 price tag. The manager is surprised at his choice and asks why he is forgoing the much cheaper$50 price tag and conducting the service and burial in Jerusalem. "The Hubby replies, "I'm taking no f%\$^#@% chances mate after that bloke you buried 2000 years ago!

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Paddy and Seamus are sitting in a small town bar.

"Except me mammy, of course!"

"Well then," says Seamus. "Between you and I, we've had 'em all!"
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What do you call a bulletproof Irishman?
Rick-O-Shea…

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Mick ran into Paddy at the local and they bought a couple of Guinness and started talking. Paddy says to Mick rather quietly, "Listen Mick the whole neighbourhood is talking about you screwing your Mrs on the Lounge in the Living room yesterday: You left the blinds up and everyone could see what was going on"
Mick laughs heartedly and replies, "tell the silly bastards the jokes on them! I was out of town all day yesterday!

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18. ### BensonRegistered Senior Member

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It's just a joke. If you wish to use it, just change the gender to keep you happy. And if you choose man and a crackpot says, "Why not woman, so why the sexism", then you can explain to them, "It's just a joke, if you wish to use it, just change the gender to keep you happy".

19. ### James RJust this guy, you know?Staff Member

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Yeah. A lot of misogyny is passed off as "just a joke".

20. ### BensonRegistered Senior Member

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I appreciate posters full quoting my quotes and not part quoting in order to twist the meaning.

21. ### DaveC426913Valued Senior Member

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The meaning is not twisted. You posted a sexist, demeaning joke. Full stop.

If it weren't sexist and demeaning, you wouldn't be here defending it, and attempting to downplay its harm by offering alternate versions.

If you simply own it (and avoid it in the future), this won't keep getting dragged out.

22. ### Write4UValued Senior Member

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13,700
This is a funny ethnic story, but then it's Robin Williams.

(warning crude language)

23. ### Michael 345New year. PRESENT is 70 years oldValued Senior Member

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Police picked up two kids acting suspiciously

Back at the station they asked what had they been doing in the alley way

One said he was drinking battery acid

The other said he was eating fireworks

They charged the first one, and let the other one off