Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. arfa brane call me arf Valued Senior Member

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    A pair of ass-cheeks go into a bar.

    The bartender yells, "Hey, get outta here you bum!"
     
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  3. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Man goes to a doctor with a frog on his head

    Doctor asked "How long have you had that?"

    Frog replied "It started off as a pimple on my arse 6 months ago"

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  5. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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  7. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Is there a yellow where to stand, to the right of the one in view, pertaining to the sink?

    Good luck with that one

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  8. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    A man buys a pet turtle for his son. The next day he takes the turtle back to the store, complaining that it has blisters on its feet. The store owner has never seen that before but he exchanges the turtle for a new one.

    The next day, the customer is back again and the new turtle has blisters on its feet too. The store owner reluctantly exchanges the turtle again - but the next day the customer is back again with, yes, more blisters.

    The owner says, " I'm sorry sir but this is not a problem that we ever have with turtles. I have to wonder if your son is doing something to these turtles."

    So the customer buys another turtle and takes it home to his son. This time he watches.

    The son picks up like a toy car and sweeps it across the floor, saying, "Vroom, vroom."
     
  9. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    How do Catholics make Holy Water

    The Water is blessed

    How do Protestants make Holy Water

    They boil the Hell out of it

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  10. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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  11. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    A bloke goes in an adult store in western Sydney and asks for an inflatable doll.

    Bloke behind the counter says,
    'Male or female?'
    Customer says, 'Female.'

    Counter bloke asks, 'Black or white?'
    Customer says, 'White.'

    Counter bloke asks, 'Christian or Muslim?'
    Customer says, 'What the hell does religion have to do with it?'

    Counter bloke says,
    'The Muslims versions blow themselves up.

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  12. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    A guy calls the company and orders their 5 day - 5kg weight loss program.

    The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
    The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'

    Without a second thought, he takes off after her.

    A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
    The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
    On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kgs as promised.

    He calls the company and orders their 5day - 10kg program.
    The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.

    She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.

    Well, he's out the door after her like a shot.

    This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, but no such luck.

    So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

    Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kgs, as promised.

    He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day - 25kg program.

    'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous program.'

    'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

    The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds
    a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads,

    'If I catch you, you're mine.'

    He lost 31kgs that week. . .
     
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  13. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    A young woman started work in the Village chemist shop

    She was very shy about having to sell condoms to the public.

    The Chemist was going on holiday for a couple of days, and asked if she would be willing to run the shop on her own.

    She had to confide in him her worries about selling condoms.

    "Look" he said "My regular customers don't ask for condoms, they either ask for a 310 (small); a 320 (medium); or a 330 (large). The word condom is never mentioned".

    The first day was fine, but on the second day a black guy came into the shop, put out his hand and said "350" please.

    The girl panicked.. She phoned the Chemist on his mobile, and told him of her predicament.

    "Go back in and check if he has a bucket hanging between his legs" her boss told her.

    She peeped through the door, and saw the bucket hanging between the guy's legs.

    "Yes!!" she shouted down the phone "he's got one hanging there!!"

    The boss replied "Well, go back in there and give him £3.50 .....he's the window cleaner"

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  14. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Bluey goes to an outdoor show and wins a tinnie.( aluminium boat)He brought it home and his wife looks at him and says,
    "What you gonna do with that. There’s no water deep enough tofloat a boat within 160 Kms of here."

    He says, "I won it and I'm gonna keep it."

    His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and asks where his brother is.

    She says, "He's out there in his tinnie",pointing to the paddock behind the house.

    The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother in the middle of a paddock sitting in the tinnie with a fishing rod in his hand ..He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

    His brother replies, "I'm fishing. What the hell does it look like I'm a doing?"

    His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Australia a bad name, making everybody think we're stupid. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your arse!"

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  15. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    HOW TO INSTALL AMERICAN HOME SECURITY SYSTEM:

    1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.

    2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of 'Guns & Ammo' Magazine.

    3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

    4. Leave a note on your door that reads:

    Hey Blue,We've gone for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the postman this morning and messed him up real bad.I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood.

    Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.

    Better wait outside. Be right back.

    Cheers,

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  16. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

    Her husband watches her for a while and asks,

    "Do you have any idea how
    ridiculous you look, what's the matter with you?"

    The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just
    Came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of
    an 18 year-old"..

    The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old bum?"

    "Your name never came up," she replied.

    (Men . . . They just never know when to shut up, do they?)

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  17. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    At the Grocery Store!!!

    When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries, the cashier yelled, "Strip down, facing me."

    Making a mental note so I could complain to our congressman about this running amok Homeland Security crap, I did just as he had instructed.

    I was standing there stark naked !

    I was also nearly sodomised by a Sikh who was standing behind me !

    After the shrieking and hysterical remarks finally subsided, I found out that he was referring to how I should position my credit card.

    Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

    Darn it, they need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.

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  18. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
    A man only needs to be:

    1. a friend
    2. a companion
    3. a lover
    4. a brother
    5. a father
    6. a master
    7. a chef
    8. an electrician
    9. a carpenter
    10. a plumber
    11. a mechanic
    12. a decorator
    13. a stylist
    14. a sexologist
    15. a gynaecologist
    16. a psychologist
    17. a pest exterminator
    18. a psychiatrist
    19. a healer
    20. a good listener
    21. an organizer
    22. a good father
    23. very clean
    24. sympathetic
    25. athletic
    26. warm
    27. attentive
    28. gallant
    29. intelligent
    30. funny
    31. creative
    32. tender
    33. strong
    34. understanding
    35. tolerant
    36. prudent
    37. ambitious
    38. capable
    39. courageous
    40. determined
    41. true
    42. dependable
    43. passionate
    44. compassionate

    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

    45. give her compliments regularly
    46. love shopping
    47. be honest
    48. be very rich
    49. not stress her out
    50. not look at other girls

    AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

    51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
    52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
    53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

    54. Never to forget:
    * birthdays
    * anniversaries
    * arrangements she makes


    45. give her compliments regularly
    46. love shopping
    47. be honest
    48. be very rich
    49. not stress her out
    50. not look at other girls

    AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

    51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
    52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
    53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

    IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

    54. Never to forget:
    * birthdays
    * anniversaries
    * arrangements she makes


    HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY


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    1.. Show up naked

    2. Bring alcohol
     
  19. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    The Chicken Farmer

    A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes...

    The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."

    He gets her name, address, tax file number, etc. and then asks," What's youroccupation?

    "I'm a prostitute," she says.

    The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to rephrase that."

    The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".

    "No, that still won't work. Try again."

    They both think for a minute; then the woman says,

    "I'm an upmarket chicken farmer."

    The accountant asks,
    "What does chicken farming have to do with being aprostitute?"

    "Well, I raised 650 cocks last year."

    "Chicken Farmer it is then."

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  20. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
    A nurse noticed his predicament.

    Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall.'

    He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
    Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR..

    Who would know if he touched them?

    He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

    What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

    Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

    When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

    When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

    Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.

    'What happened?' he exclaimed. The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button.

    'The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow.'

    MEN NEVER LISTEN

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  21. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

    "Interesting," the newsman thought.

    He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.

    The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

    She smiled and explained,

    "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

    (Oh, just hush-up and send this one on to somebody who needs a laugh.)

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  22. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Kulula is an Airline with head office situated in Johannesburg .

    Kulula airline attendants make an effort to make the in-flight "safety lecture" and announcements a bit more entertaining.
    Here are some real examples that have been heard or reported:

    On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced,"
    People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
    ---o0o---
    On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said,
    "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
    ----o0o---
    On landing, the stewardess said,
    "Please be sure to take all of your belongings.. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have."
    ----o0o---
    "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane."

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    ---o0o---
    "Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
    ---o0o---
    As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Durban Airport , a lone voice came over the loudspeaker:

    "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

    ---o0o--
    After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in the Karoo, a flight attendant on a flight announced,"Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted."

    ---o0o---From a Kulula employee:
    "Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth . To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."

    ---o0o---

    "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite."

    ---o0o---"Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Kulula Airlines."

    ----o0o---
    "Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."

    ---o0o---"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."

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    ---o0o---And from the pilot during his welcome message:
    "Kulula Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
    ---o0o—
    Heard on Kulula 255 just after a very hard landing in Cape Town : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said,
    "That was quite a bump and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."

    ---o0o—Overheard on a Kulula flight into Cape Town , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain really had to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said,
    "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to The Mother City. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"

    ---o0o—
    Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
    "We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

    ---o0o—An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a
    "Thanks for flying our airline". He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said,"Sir, do you mind if I ask you aquestion?"

    "Why, no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

    The little old lady said,"Did we land, or were we shot down?"

    ---o0o—After a real crusher of a landing in Johannesburg , the attendant came on with,"Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we will open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.."

    ---o0o—Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement:"We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today.. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

    ---o0o—Heard on a Kulula flight:"Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing.. If you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."

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  23. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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