Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.

    THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?"

    THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

    "I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

    THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.

    THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.

    HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

    THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM.

    THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

    "MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
    "WHAT?" SAID MARGE.

    "I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."
    "WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?

    "HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.
    "WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

    "I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED, "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

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  3. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Context

    Tidying up my emails and most of above from friend Chris

    Tuned up some text

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  5. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    A guy is out duck shooting by a river.

    He shoots a duck and it falls in the field behind him.

    He goes into the field pick up the duck, and the farmer arrives; he says “that’s my duck, it’s in my field “

    The guy says” no, it’s my duck, I shot it”

    The farmer says;

    “Well round here, we have a tradition, we have to compete for it, whoever wins, gets the duck “

    “OK, how does that work?”

    Well we each get to kick each other three times; whoever wins, keeps the duck”

    “OK” says the shooter.

    “ right” days the farmer;” as the landowner, tradition says that I get the first 3 kicks”

    “OK” says the shooter.

    The farmer runs up and kicks him in in the knee. As he falls down, he takes his second kick, in the head. The shooter rolls over, and the farmer kicks him in the balls.

    In absolute agony, the shooter staggers to his feet and says;

    “OK, my turn to kick”

    The farmer says;

    “No, you can keep the fucking duck”

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  7. Benson Registered Senior Member

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    I was offered 8 legs of venison for $50.

    Do you think that's too dear?
     
  8. Hipparchia Registered Senior Member

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    Fifty bucks for the legs of only two bucks! Seems like you were diddled.
     
  9. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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  10. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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  11. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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  12. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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  13. Write4U Valued Senior Member

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    Jesus and Moses on the golf course.
    They come to a large water hazard
    Jesus takes out his 9 iron, whereupon
    Moses cautions Jesus that only Arnold Palmer could make a shot like that.
    Jesus smiles and makes the shot.
    The ball promptly falls into the water hazard.
    Jesus asks Moses to retrieve the ball
    Moses parts the water and retrieves the ball
    Jesus tees up and again selects the 9 iron, whereupon
    Moses exclaims; Jesus you cannot make that shot
    Only an Arnold Palmer could make such a shot
    Jesus smiles and hits the ball as hard as he can
    The ball promptly falls into the water hazard, whereupon
    Jesus again asks Moses to retrieve the ball
    Moses, clearly frustrated parts the water and retrieves the ball
    Again Jesus selects the 9 iron and Moses exasperated exclaims:
    You cannot make that shot, only Arnold Palmer can do such a thing.
    Undeterred Jesus tries the shot and the ball promptly disappears into the water hazard.
    Jesus asks Moses to retrieve the ball once more, whereupon
    Moses tells Jesus; I am tired of retrieving your ball, go get it yourself
    Jesus starts to walk on the water toward the spot the ball disappeared.
    Another foursome approaches from the previous hole
    and watch the spectacle of this guy walking on top of the water
    One ask; who does he think he is , Jesus Christ? whereupon
    Moses replies; That IS Jesus, he just thinks he is Arnold Palmer.
     
  14. arfa brane call me arf Valued Senior Member

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    Where is the best place to barf?

    In the barf room.
     
  15. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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  16. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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  17. Write4U Valued Senior Member

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    Two drunks outside a bar arguing about that shiny object in the sky.

    First man: I say that's the sun up there
    Second man: "I say thas' the moon up there"
    First man; "Nononono.....that's the sun up there"
    Second man; "You're crazeee.......I say thas' the moon up there".
    Third man comes out the bar and staggers past the scene.
    First man: "Hey buddy, my friend an I are having a liddle dis...disagreement. You see that thing up there? I say that's the sun, but my buddy says that's the moon up tehere, Now which is it ? " (burp).
    Third man looks up: "How the heck shoudsss I know, I don't live around here!"
     
  18. DaveC426913 Valued Senior Member

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    There was a man who drank some water.
    Poor man, he is no more.
    For what he thought was H2O
    was H2SO4.
     
  19. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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  20. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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  21. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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    A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car.”

    The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
    After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut.”

    The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair." (You're going to love the Dad's reply!)

    "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?
     
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  22. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 70 years old Valued Senior Member

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    To be fair there was that period when JC had a donkey

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  23. paddoboy Valued Senior Member

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    I thought it was an Ass

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