Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. wegs Matter & Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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  3. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 71 years old Valued Senior Member

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    An American an Englishman an Irishman a Welshman a Scotsman a Canadian an Australian and a New Zealander walk into a bar

    and then a table

    and then stumble into a chair

    A German sitting near by says “Boy are they pissed”

    Next Day at the Australians wedding nobody can work out how they finished up with a unknown German as a Best Man

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  5. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 71 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Last edited: Feb 19, 2021
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  7. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 71 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Blast from the past

    Red Skelton - 45 minutes well worth it



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  8. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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    god bless
     
  9. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    neo-rebel flag face mask middle management sales man gets lost on the way to the office
    found in an air port wondering looking for donut shop

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    "im all white, stay cool guys" he calls out to his relieved fans.

    ok one last question for my biggest fans
    ... do i have what ? i cant hear you over the sound of the snow storm, speak up!"
    "...oh POWER ... do i have any POWER?"
    .. "hell no! im just a little guy, talk to pence or bannon, they have all the power"
    "im all white though, dont forget to subscribe, when your electricity comes back on"
     
    Last edited: Feb 19, 2021
  10. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 71 years old Valued Senior Member

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  11. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 71 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Reports are coming in about a explosion at a crematorium

    Our reporter is at the scene is about to talk to a survivor of the explosion

    Come in Steve

    Yes Steve here. I am chatting with Sally who had just stepped outside when the explosion happened. What can you tell our viewers Sally

    Well my Great Great Grandpapa died a few days ago. He was 110

    Yes our station interviewed him as the oldest resident in the state. I recall he gave the reason for his long life as using a pinch of gunpowder with his breakfast cereal

    Ya he told us great great grandchildren that many times

    PAUSE

    Guess we should have not had him cremated

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  12. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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    Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?" He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!" Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

    Read more: http://www.city-data.com/forum/christianity/1018082-i-like-joke.html
     
  13. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 71 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Reports are coming in about the death of a well known TV personality who has a health and fitness show

    Steve, our reporter is talking I believe to his wife. Are you there Steve?

    Yes Steve here. I am here outside the mansion of health and fitness guru and personality of the How to Live to 100 TV show. I am am talking to Mrs Hun Dread whose husband has just been taken away by a forensic examiner. But Mrs Dread has expressed her opinion it was a medication accident

    Can you tell us why you think it was a medication accident

    Well my husband was deeply involved in homeopathy

    Yes that was the basis of his TV show. Take a medication substance and dilute in so much to make it stronger and more effective

    True and he was taking sips of various homeopathic medications

    So how was it a medication accident?

    Just before he died he told me he forgot to sip one of his medications

    What happened then?

    He died of a overdose

    ?

    Well there is nothing more dilute than not taking any of the medication

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  14. arfa brane call me arf Valued Senior Member

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    The good thing about procrastination is there's always plenty of time.
    The good thing about being in two minds about something is you're already halfway there.
     
  15. Luchito Registered Senior Member

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    A patient in a hurry returned back to the doctor's office 10 minutes later.

    -Doctor, excuse me, but you told me Capricorn, right?... Capricorn...

    -No, I said cancer... cancer!
     
  16. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 71 years old Valued Senior Member

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    FOR ALL THE LADIES I KNOW THAT DRIVE ALONE!

    I had a flat tyre on I-95 yesterday ; so, I pulled over, got out of the car and opened my trunk.

    I took out my cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic. They look so lifelike you wouldn't believe it!

    Just as I had hoped, cars started slowing down looking at the men which made it much safer for me to work on the side of the road.

    People honked and waved, and it wasn't long before a police car pulled up behind me.

    He wanted to know what the heck I was doing so I calmly explained that I was changing my flat. He told me he could see that, but demanded to know what the heck my cardboard men were doing standing at the rear of my car.

    I couldn't believe he didn't know! So I told him ...

    Well, I explained to the angry Policeman ...

    They're my Emergency Flashers!!!!

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    I go to court in April.........
    (Damn Police. No sense of humour.)
     
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  17. sculptor Valued Senior Member

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    Long ago, after some damned fool had hijacked a plane to take him to Cuba(he was promptly arrested)
    My first wife(Patty) and I were getting tickets to board a plane in Miami
    and
    I asked, "is this the plane for Havana"?
    Whereupon, we were surrounded by 6 rather large gentlemen who escorted us into a side room
    and, who, after a brief interchange said
    "that was not funny"
    whereupon, I said
    "Y0u guys need to lighten up"
    no dense of humor
    ok
    Patty and I thought it humorous
     
  18. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 71 years old Valued Senior Member

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    It Is Time!
    How do you know when it is time to
    "hang up the car keys"?
    I say when your dog has this look on his face!
    A picture is worth a thousand words!

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    It made me smile too!

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  19. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 71 years old Valued Senior Member

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    This Is A Australian Personal Ad

    If this bloke is not in advertising then he should be. What great copy!!!

    An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:

    This bloke should have gotten a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

    Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
    reputation, who can cook frogs
    legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
    schia garden, classic music and tal-
    king without getting too serious.

    Interested?
    Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
    Still interested?
    Then call me on......00000000000

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  20. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 71 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Ya signs in airports now - Don't joke
    At the moment going through old emails and picking out some of my friends he sent me over the years
    The last 3 go back about 8 years

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  21. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 71 years old Valued Senior Member

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    Low Battery ( The caller of the year)

    A Young man saved his girlfriend's phone number onh hismobile as "LOW BATTERY".

    Whenever she calls him in his absence, his wifet takesthe phone and plugs it to the charger.

    Give that man a medal!

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  22. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 71 years old Valued Senior Member

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    I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even
    the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take
    care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965...

    Symptoms:

    1.. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. Done that!

    2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! That too!

    3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

    4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. Aha!

    5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. Well darn!

    6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. Oh , no not again!

    7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND.." And I just hate that!

    8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE." Oh No!

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    IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."
    Have I already sent this to you? Or did you send it to me

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  23. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 71 years old Valued Senior Member

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