Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member



    For centuries, Hindu women have worn a spot on their foreheads. We
    Have always naively thought that it had something to do with their
    Religion. The Indian Embassy in Washington , D.C has recently
    Revealed the true story.

    When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union.
    On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the spot to see
    Whether he has won a convenience store, a gas station, a donut shop
    Or a motel in the United States.

    If not, he must take a job in India answering telephones giving
    Technical advice.
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  3. Billy T Use Sugar Cane Alcohol car Fuel Valued Senior Member

    US is claiming the moral high ground.
    Unlike China's hacking into computers to steal industrial secretes, US says it only hacks into computers for national security reasons.*

    That is like a sneak thief in your house while you sleep claiming to be moral as he only steals money and jewelry, not your TV.

    * Not even true - NSA hacked into Brazil's PertoBrass's computers to learn expected oil production rates and cost.
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  5. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member


    Just a line to say I'm living
    That I'm not among the dead.
    Though I'm getting more forgetful
    And so mixed up in the head.

    I got used to my arthritis
    To my dentures I'm resigned.
    I can manage my bifocals,
    But, Oh God, I miss my mind.

    For sometimes I can't remember
    When I stand at the foot of the stairs,
    If I must go up for something
    Or I just came down from there.

    And before the fridge so often
    My poor mind is filled with doubt.
    Have I just put food away, or
    Have I come to take some out?

    And there's times when it is darkened
    With my night cap on my head.
    I don't know if I'm retiring,
    Or just getting out of bed.

    So, if it's my turn to write you
    There's no need for getting sore.
    I may think that I have written,
    And don't want to be a bore.

    So remember that I love you,
    And I wish that you were near.
    Now it's time to post this letter
    So must say goodbye, my dear.

    Here I stand beside the mail box
    With a face so very red,
    Instead of mailing you my letter,
    I have opened it instead!
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  7. Arne Saknussemm trying to figure it all out Valued Senior Member

    Heisenberg and Schrodinger's are in a car going over the speed limit.

    A cop stops them and asks, 'Do you know how fast you were going?'

    Heisenberg says, 'No, but I can tell you exactly where we are'. The cop likes neither his answer nor his attitude, so he has them open the trunk.

    Cop says, 'Do you know there's a dead cat in your trunk? Schrodinger says, 'Well, I do NOW !'
  8. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    I once had a business which required me to call & ask for Mr Fuchs several times over several years. I hate to say 1 time I accidently asked for Mr Fucks.
  9. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

    Did you get a reply?

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

  10. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member


    LOL The receptionist said "Hold, please" & connected me to his line. I never heard anything from him about it. I probably wasn't the 1st to do that. I hope I wasn't the 1st.
  11. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Man : Does your dog bite?
    Boy : No, Sir.
    Man pets dog.
    Dog : Grrrr Rawlf Chomp
    Man : You said your dog doesn't bite!
    Boy : That's not my dog.
  12. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Two numbskulls, acting out of respect, alternately escorted each other home after a dinner party and never got to bed.

    A person went to a numbskull doctor and said, “Doctor, whenever I get up from sleeping, I’m groggy for a half hour and only after that am I all right.” The doctor: “Get up a half hour later.”

    There were twin brothers, and one of them died. When a numbskull encountered the survivor, he asked, “Was it you who died, or your brother?”

    A numbskull encountered a friend of his and said, “I heard that you had died.” He replied, “Well, you can see that I’m alive.” To which the numbskull said, “But the person who told me is much more trustworthy than you are.”

    A man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can't hear him.

    "How bad is it?" the doctor asks.

    "I have no idea", says the husband.

    "Well, please test her. Say something 20 feet away, and if she doesn't hear you, get closer and say the same thing until she does. That way we'll have an idea of the extent of her hearing loss."

    So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.

    From 20 feet: "What are we having for dinner?" No answer.

    From 10 feet, same thing.

    From 5 feet, same thing.

    Finally he's standing right behind her and asks loudly, "What's for dinner?"

    She turns around, looks at him, and says, "For the fourth time, BEEF STEW!"
  13. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' the old man said simply.
    'Poor old fool,' the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, 'And how many have you caught?'
    'You're the eighth,' the old man answered.

    Mother comes home from a business trip and asks her little son,. 'Well, Johnny, how did you get along with father while I was away?'
    'Everything was fine, mum,' the little boy says. 'Daddy took me to the middle of the lake by boat every morning and I swam home alone.'
    'Wasn't it too much for you to swim?'
    'Oh, no, mum, the only problem was that I had to get out of the bag first.'

    Delta Airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 'What trip?'

    Doctor: 'Deep breathing, you know, kills microbes.'
    Patient: 'And how can I make them breathe deeply?'

    Judge: 'Have you ever been up before me?'
    Accused: 'I don't know. What time do you get up?'

    Lawyer: 'Now that we have won, will you tell me confidentially if you stole the money?'
    Client: 'Well, after hearing you talk in court yesterday, I am beginning to think I didn't.'

    Teacher: 'What's your name?'
    Schoolboy: 'Henry Smith.'
    Teacher: 'Always say 'Sir' when you speak to a teacher.'
    Schoolboy (apologetically): 'Sir Henry Smith.'

    Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics.

  14. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
    Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

    Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
    'And what do you think is the best thing
    about being 104?' the reporter asked..
    She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'

    Grant me the senility to forget the people
    I never liked anyway,
    the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
    the eyesight to tell the difference.

    I am into solitude long walks, surprises, the Ocean and Meditations If you are the

    Silent Type,,,lets get together,,,take our hearing aids out and really enjoy the quiet


    The elderly Scottish Laird lay near death and called his faithful manservant to his bedside to hear his final request.
    "Hamish," he said, "When I'm gone I want you to take that bottle of single malt Scottish whiskey that's been in the family for thirty years and pour it over my grave."
    "Certainly Sir," replied the servant in his thick brogue, "But do ye mind if I filter it through me kidneys first?"

    Zen master who told his dentist, "No novacaine for me, I transcend dental medication."
  15. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    A couple were going out for the evening. They’d got ready, all dolled up, cat put out, etc.
    The taxi arrives, and as the couple got out, the cat shoots back in. They don’t want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the cat out.
    The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab -“Sorry I took so long” he says, “Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!”

    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
    One remarked to the other, ‘Windy, isn’t it?‘ No, ‘the second man replied, ‘it’s Thursday.’ The third man chimed in, ‘So am I. Let’s have a beer.’

    A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
    “Really,” answered the neighbor . “What kind is it?”
    “Twelve thirty.”

    A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, “well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the great depression. I was down to my last nickel.”
    “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, i sold the apple for ten cents.”
    “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $1.37.”
    “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

    An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk, and the young man really loves peanuts.
    One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the contents of the jar. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to his crime.
    “Don’t worry, son. I never eat the peanuts anyway,” the old man replies. “Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is gum chocolate off the M&M’s.”

    A man died and went to the skies.
    Yamraj met him at the Gates of Heaven and said, ‘Before you meet with God, I should tell you – you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not sure what to do with you. Tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?’
    The man thought for a moment and replied, ‘I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a gang. So I got out and went up to the leader of the gang.’
    ‘He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring pierced through his nose. Well, I tore the nose ring out of his nose, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!’
    ‘I’m impressed,’ Yamraj responded, ‘When did this happen?’
    ‘About two minutes ago,’ came the reply.

  16. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    “C’mon Ma you have got to try it” I pleaded to my elderly Mother. I don’t know how my Mother lasted this long without ever using the internet, but enough was enough! I thought.
    “Ok” she said reluctantly settling down by the computer and slowly putting on her reading glasses “what do I do now?”
    “Now I’m going to open the home page of google”, I explained. “OK here it is! Now type in ANY question you want into the bar over here and you will find an answer to your question.” I confidently assured her.
    My Mother looked at me warily, thought for a second, and slowly began to type,
    How is Gertrude doing this morning?

    One day, while strolling down the boardwalk, John bumped into an old friend of his, Rob, from high school. “You look great John, how do you stay looking so young? Why you must be 60 already but you don’t look a day over 40!” Rob exclaimed.
    “I feel like I’m 40 too!” replied John.
    “That’s incredible” exclaimed Rob, “Does it run in the family? How old was your dad when he passed?”
    “Did I say he was dead?” asked John. “He’s 81 and is more active then ever. He just joined the neighborhood basketball team!” responded John.
    “Whoa! Well how old was your Grandfather when he died?”
    “Did I say he died” asked John. Rob was amazed. “He just had his 105th birthday and plays golf and goes swimming each day! He’s actually getting married this week!”
    “Getting married?!” Rob asked. If he’s 105, why on earth does he want to get married?!
    John looked at Rob and replied, “Did I say he wanted to?”

    Thinking that the presidential candidate needed to show a more human side of himself, his committee advised him to visit an old age home. Walking into the room of an old man, with the cameras whirring, the nominee was surprised when the old man offered him some peanuts from a bowl on the table. “Thank you”, said the nominee after being offered more for the 3rd time, “why don’t you have some yourself?” “Oh, I can’t eat it” said the old man, “I don’t have any teeth.” “So why do you have them?” asked the confused nominee. “Oh, I like the chocolate around it” was the glib reply.

    John angrily looked at the text he had just received from his Mom. It read: “Professor called to say you failed the course. LOL. Mom. ” How could he have failed?! … And all his Mom has to say is that she’s Laughing Out Loud?! Fed up, he text-ed his Mom: “What was up with the LOL?” his text said. “I just wanted to send you Lot’s Of Love because I know how disappointed you must be.”

    “Honey!” screamed my wife, running outside to my bike once again, “did you double check that Herbie’s seat is attached securely?!”
    “Yeah let me check that just one more time” I muttered, checking the seat for what must have been the tenth time.
    “OK”, I said nervously, to my two year old Herby, “are you ready for your first bike ride?”
    “Let me just check your helmet again…perfect your knee pads..good… now your elbow pads..perfect.”
    And with that, I lifted my foot to get on top of the bike, and nailed my two year old smack in the jaw!

    “I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”
    “That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet…
    What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”
    “It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”

    Police – That’s terrible! Are they moving?
    Man – Honestly I have no idea! But that would definitely explain the suitcase!

  17. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Lisa, a 16 year old girl, nervously brought her most recent boyfriend home with her to meet her parents. Although Lisa was very fond of him she was nervous about what sort of impression he’d make on her parents. After all, he was full of tattoos and rings all over his body.
    “Mom,” said Lisa nervously, ” I would like you to meet Spike, my boyfriend, Spike this is my Mom.” After a few minutes of small talk and pleasantries, Lisa’s Mom called her over and whispered “Lisa, I don’t like him, he just doesn’t seem very nice!”
    “Mom please!” retorted Lisa, “if he’s not a nice guy how can you explain the forty hours of community service he does a week?!”

    Before going in for surgery I thought it would be funny if I posted a note on myself telling the surgeon to be careful. After the surgery I found another note on myself .”Anyone know where my cell phone is????????”

    “What the heck is going on here?” said an angry man storming into the florist shop. “I just lost one of my main clients and it’s your fault!”
    “Why don’t you calm down a bit” said the lady behind the counter, “and let us know what exactly happened.”
    “Well,” said the man “My biggest client moved to a new location, and to be nice I called you guys up and asked you to send him some flowers with a note saying “congratulations on your new location.”
    He calls me up and says to me “what’s the big deal with sending me a note that says “rest in peace?!”
    “Oh no!” she sighed, “now I know why I got a nasty message from the funeral parlor!”

    Eddy was just a regular guy. Except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last.
    Since Eddy was a soon to be billionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with. Eddy approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy, but I’m soon gonna be a billionaire! Do you wanna come home with me?”
    “Sure thing” Sandra replied, “I would love to come home with you.”
    And that’s the story how Sandra became Eddie’s Stepmother.

    Jim grabbed his suitcase off the luggage carousel and headed outside to hail a taxi. A taxi promptly picked him up and they were on there way. Twenty minutes into the ride Jim had a question for the taxi driver, “Excuse me sir” said Jim tapping the driver on the shoulder. “AHHHH
    HHH” screamed the taxi driver swerving the taxi across three lanes of traffic finally stopping the car on the opposite shoulder. “What the heck was that all about?” demanded Jim thoroughly shaken. “I’m sorry,” said the taxi driver, wiping his brow, “this is my first day on the job, I’ve been driving a hearse for the last fifty years!”

    Anne was on her deathbed breathing her last. “Anne”, said Anne’s husband Jim. “Please, please,tell me, is there anything I can do for you?” “Well” croaked Anne, “There is something. After I die, it would mean so much to me if you would marry my best friend Sandra.” “You have nothing to worry about Anne” said Jim taking her hand, “I’ve been thinking about that for a while now already.”

    Edward was lying on his deathbed and the family was taking turns spending time with him. As he was speaking to his young granddaughter Emily, Edward suddenly smelled an all too familiar smell. Why it was his favorite – apple pie! His wife Sandy must have been baking it for him to enjoy this one last time. “Emily dear,” asked Edward. “Would you please go ask Grandma for a slice of that Apple Pie? It’s smells so delicious!” Emily ran off to fulfill her dying Grandfather’s last wish. A moment later, Emily returned empty handed. “Where’s my pie?” questioned Edward. “Grandma said it’s not for now” responded Emily, “it’s for the funeral”.

    My old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, “You’re next!”
    After a while, I figured out how to stop them. I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!

  18. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring that we can all gain from. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.

    Man – Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
    Woman – Yes, that’s why I don’t go there anymore.

    Man – Can I buy you a drink?
    Woman – I think I’d rather have the money!

    Man – Will you go out with me this Saturday?
    Woman – Sorry, I’m having a headache this weekend.

    Man – Is this seat empty?
    Woman – Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

    Man – So what do you do for a living?
    Woman – I’m a female impersonator.

    PUPIL – “Would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
    TEACHER – “Of course not.”
    PUPIL – “Good, because I haven`t done my homework.”

    I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

    I would probably find you more interesting had I studied psychology.

    Employee Insults

    "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”

    “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

    “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”

    “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

    “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

    “This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.”

    “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

    “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

    “When his I.Q. reaches 50, he should sell.”

    “If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he’s the other one.”

    “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

    “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

    “If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

    “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.”

    “Takes him two hours to watch 60 Minutes.”

    “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

  19. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

    This is only for those who have a sick sense of humor. But it is something you've never seen before and probably will never see again, unless you watch a lot of MTV.

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

  20. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

    A lady came in for a routine physical at the Doctor’s office . “Here”, said the nurse, handing her a urine specimen container. “The bathroom is over there on your right. The Doctor will be with you in a few minutes.”

    A few minutes later the lady came out of the bathroom with an empty container and a relieved look on her face.

    “Thanks! But they had a toilet in there, so I didn’t need this after all!”

    Mother – I need to speak to the doctor, it’s an emergency, my infant has a temperature of 101.

    Doctor to Secretary – Find out how she’s taking the temperature.

    Secretary – How are you taking it?

    Mother – Oh, I’m holding up OK.

    Did you here about the guy who lost his whole left side?
    He’s alright now!

    “Just relax”, the hospital staff kept telling Jim, but it was to no avail. Jim’s wife was in labor and Jim was a nervous wreck. After what seemed like a week, to both Jim and the hospital staff, a nurse came out with the happy news, “it’s a girl”, she cried. “Thank G-d, a girl”, said Jim, “at least she won’t have to go through what I just went through!”

    An Old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg. “I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.” “That can’t be” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are doing.” “How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor. “Well it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

    I work as a pediatric nurse, and often have the painful job of giving shots to the children. One day upon entering the examining room to give a shot the little girl starting screaming “NO! NO! NO!”
    “Jessica” her mother scolded, “that is not polite behavior!”
    At that the girl continued to scream “NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU! NO THANK YOU!”

    Jerry was in the hospital recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

    “I’m OK but I didn’t like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.

    “What did he say,” asked the nurse.

  21. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
    Finnegan arrives at her door.
    "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell
    "Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
    where's my husband?"
    "That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
    accident down at the Guiness brewery ..."
    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.
    "Your husband Shamus is dead and gone, Brenda. I'm sorry."
    "How did it happen, Tim?"
    "Well, Brenda, he fell into a vat of Guiness and drowned."
    "Oh dear Jesus! You must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least
    go quickly?"
    "Well, no, Brenda ... no ... fact is, he got out three times
    to pee.
  22. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

    A college teacher reminding her class of tomorrow's final exam warns, "Now
    class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow - I
    might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
    death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

    A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "Well,
    what would your response be if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
    and utter sexual exhaustion?"

    When silence is restored after the entire class is reduced to laughter and
    snickering, the teacher smiles at the questioner,
    shakes her head, and, without batting an eye, answers, "'Well, I guess you'd
    have to write the exam with your other hand."
  23. KilljoyKlown Whatever Valued Senior Member

    British Hospitality

    An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own.

    He wanders around and eventually stops at a pub to try a pint or two of English beer. He continues sight-seeing and after a while, finds himself in a very high class area. Large stately residences... no pubs, no shops, no restaurants, and worst of all... NO PUBLIC TOILETS.

    He desperately needs to go, after all those pints of beer. He sees a narrow side street with high walls surrounding an adjacent buildings, and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

    As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London bobby who says, "You can't do that here sir!"

    "I'm very sorry officer," replies the American, "but I really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public toilet."

    "Ah," said the bobby, "just follow me!" He leads him into the back alley, then along a wall to a gate, which he opens.

    "In there," points the bobby, "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."

    The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured lawns, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

    Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.

    As he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you. Is that what you call 'British Hospitality?'"

    "No sir", replied the bobby, "It's what we call the French Embassy."

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