Satissed, I liked it but am very sure I've seen that one before. However a good joke can be enjoyed many times.
Lost in the YMCA A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, "What's the matter -- haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
Fertilizer A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer. A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied. "What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy. "Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer. "You ought to live here," the little boy advised him. "We put sugar and cream on ours."
Got A Reputation Brother John entered the'Monastery of Silence' and the Chief Priest said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery, you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so." Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Chief Priest said to him "Brother John,you have been here five years now, you may speak two words." Brother John said, "Hard Bed." "I'm sorry to hear that" the Chief Priest said. "We will get you a better bed." After another five years, Brother John was called by the Chief Priest. "You may say another two words Brother John." "Cold Food." said Brother John, and the Chief Priest assured him that the food would be better in the future. On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Chief Priest again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today." "I Quit." said Brother John. "It is probably best." said the Chief Priest. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Never Satisfied A group of girlfriends are on vacation when they see a five-story hotel with a sign that reads, "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." They start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor, where the sign reads, "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. On the fifth floor, they find a sign that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
Don't Mess With Morris A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got." Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
Complaints of a fetal nature A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train. A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?" The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know." The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?" The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know." The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?". The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
Little Tommy Turtle A little turtle begins to slowly climb a tree. After long hours of great effort, he reaches the top, jumps into the air waving his front legs frantically, until he crashes heavily into the ground. After recovering consciousness he starts to climb the tree again, jumps once more, but again crashes to the ground. The little turtle does this again and again, while all the time his heroic efforts are being watched with sadness by a couple of birds perched on a nearby branch. Finally, the female bird says to the male bird, "Dear, don't you think it's time to tell Tommy he is adopted?"
A Lesson Learned Mr. Cikoch was a biology instructor at a snobby suburban girl's junior college. During class one day he asked his student, "Miss Simison, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Simison gasped, and then said, "Mr. Cikoch, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this. "With that she sat down red-faced. Mr. Cikoch then called on Miss Hakar and asked the same question. Miss Hakar, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light." "Correct," said Mr. Cikoch. "And now, Miss Simison, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
The Sex Life Of An Electron One night, when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to seek out a cute coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone Bridge, around the Sine Waves, and stopped in the Magnetic Field by a flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, soon had her fully charged and excited her resistance to a minimum. He laid her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance. He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it in her socket, connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt. Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled "OHM-OHM-OHM". With his tube operating at maximum and her field vibrating with his current flow, her shunt overheated, and Micro-Farad was rapidly discharged and drained of every electron. They fluxed all night trying various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and had lost all it's field strength. Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. And with his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field, so they spent the rest of the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses.
True story: During basic training you are taught what you need to know about military customs and courtesies. One of the topics is how to report to an officer when summoned. You knock one time and await response (which should be enter or similar. always await invitation to come in). then you march briskly to the center of the desk/chair/location of said officer and from a specified distance salute and announce "[rank] [last name] reports as ordered" I missed this particular session due to an interview elsewhere (not important or relevant). i never considered until queried by the senior drill sergeant during one particularly grueling punishment session on the Physical fitness exercise grounds. "[rank] [my last name]! Tell me! How do you enter a room and report to an officer!" he yelled. being tired and irritable i called back "Through the door, drill sergeant!" i was forced to run a few miles extra... totally worth it!
Really bad stuff i just got from my best friend: misery loves company, right? ******************************************************************************************* A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything." ******************************************************************************************* A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." ******************************************************************************************* A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!" ******************************************************************************************* there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did
Jackeroo A young jackeroo from outback Queensland goes off to University, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money. He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.' 'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.' So his father sends the dog and $2,000. About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... But you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.' 'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.' The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!' 'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, "So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''' The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that bastard before he talks to your Mother!' 'I sure did, Dad!' 'That's my boy!' The kid went on to be a successful lawyer with Slater and Gordon.
Three friends talking about tea. 1st Friend: I can finish hot tea, its about single pull you know ! 2nd Friend: I can finish hot tea from tea kettle and its about single pull you know ! 3rd Friend: I can't do it that you can. Actually I sit down on stove after taken enough water, tea, milk, sweets in my belly.
A mad standing beside a cavity and shouting to others like that.... Mad: twenty-five......twenty-five.....twenty-five....(loudly) After sometimes some men asked the mad " Are you doing something ?" but no answer from the mad and he is counting........twenty-five.......twenty-five. So after 20 minutes an old man came to the mad and politely said " what happened to you son !" Then suddenly the mad kicked this old man to cavity and starts counting again.....twenty-six.....twenty-six....(loudly).
"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house." "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?" "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead". "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?" "Si, Señor, that's the one." "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?" "From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy." "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?" "Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse." "Dead horse? What dead horse?" "The thoroughbred, Señor Roy." "My prize thoroughbred is dead?" "Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart." "Are you insane? What water cart?" "The one we used to put out the fire, Señor." "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?" "The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire." "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!" "Yes, Señor Roy." "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?" "For the funeral, Señor Roy." "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!" "Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft." SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE......... VERY LONG SILENCE………… "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit!!!"
MONKEY & SCIENTIST A scientist had a nice monkey in his personal zoo and there were many animals also. Every day many visitors come to his zoo to watch animals. After few months the scientist with a friend found something problem about the nice monkey....... That is.. The scientist and his friend was trying to feed the monkey so they gave bananas to eat, but the monkey took a banana and pushed it into his own anal and brings it out and starts eating. It was so silly moment to the scientist and his friend and the friend became angry and said to scientist " what the hell you taught your monkey hah ?! The scientist replied " I did nothing. I think something strange is happening with my nice monkey. After some days the scientist came back with his friend to the monkey again and at first they gave an apple to the monkey and they found another strange problem about the nice monkey that is ......At first the monkey pushed the apple into his own anal after immersed this apple in water and brings it out to eat the apple. Now scientist said " May be my monkey is gone mad or not but I will find out........." There were many CC cameras in zoo. At last the scientist found out about the problem of the monkey it was recorded by cameras and that was.......... ......Every day many visitors come to the zoo so some of them give fruits to the nice monkey and the monkey was so happy for this so the monkey was swallowing those fruits. One day a naughty boy gave a small size apple to the monkey but the apple was not real, It is made of ceramics. So the monkey swallowed this duplicate apple but after few hours the monkey found that something is not coming out from his anal and it was horrible feeling to the monkey. So he used his hand to bring it out from his anal. Now the nice monkey always remember about the previous lesson, so he always push his food into his own anal before eat it because the monkey thinks about his foods that is it able to come out through his anal !? But what about the another problem of immersing food in water ? After apple lesson............ one day a visitor gave a burning cigaret to the monkey, so simply he pushed it into his anal and he burnt his ass too. So after cigaret lesson, The monkey always immerses his food in water before push it.........and the scientist found his nice monkey as a scientist also.
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