Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

  1. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    I hope you're the one who walks around with a tape measure in her pocket.
     
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  3. Michael 345 Valued Senior Member

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    https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-mock-atheists-1

    Ken Creten

    A man answers the door and sees two suited gentlemen outside the door. They look sort of religious.

    One of the men in suits hands the man a pamphlet. The man takes the pamphlet, flips through it and says, “there’s nothing in here, the pages are blank.”

    One of the suited gentlemen says, “we’re atheists.”

    Quora

    Posted this in thread about Atheists as well

    Just to sweet to pass up

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  5. DaveC426913 Valued Senior Member

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    A brunette walks into the Dr's and says "Everything I touch hurts. I touch my nose, it hurts, I touch my ear it hurts, I touch my leg, it hurts, I don't know what's wrong with me".

    The Dr looks at her for a moment, and says: "Are you a natural brunette?"

    "Why no. I'm actually blonde. How did you know?"

    "Yeah, you have a broken finger".
     
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  7. Torry Cox Registered Member

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    Not only I go with a tape measure, but I also know how to use it

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  8. Equinox Registered Member

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  9. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    Each morning I step out to my porch & pick up my newspaper. 1 day I picked up my newspaper & saw a snail there. I grabbed it & threw it onto the front lawn.
    12 years later I stepped out & picked up my newspaper as usual. Again I saw a snail there. I leaned over to grab it & heard it yelling "What the hell did you do that for?".

    <>
     
  10. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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  11. Michael 345 Valued Senior Member

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    The Angel bikers were out for a ride when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge spanning the river
    They stopped and George their big burly leader gets off his Harley and walks through a group of gawkers up to the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing and calls out to the girl
    "Baby whatcha doing on the railing?"
    She tearfully replies
    "I'm going to commit suicide"
    "Well before you jump honey would you give George here your best last kiss?"
    With no hesitation she leaned back over the railing and gave a long, deep lingering kiss followed by another even better one with tongue
    After she finished George turned to his biker-buddies and got big thumbs up approval
    "Wow that was the best kiss I have ever had
    That's a real talent you're wasting there honey
    You could be famous if you came and rode with me
    Exactly why are you committing suicide?"

    "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

    It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed

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  12. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    A man & a duck are walking down the sidewalk. The man sees a drone flying toward them & yells "Duck!". The duck looks at the man & angrily yells "Man!".

    ≠====================≠

    If a man lies with another man, they should be stoned.
    If a man lies with a duck, they should be high.

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    Last edited by a moderator: May 20, 2017
  13. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    Fred was having a long drinking contest with a duck. Finally the duck fell onto the floor. Fred started to leave & the bartender said "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!"
    Fred said "That's not a lion. It's a duck".

    ≠============≠

    Sometimes ducks really quack me up.

    <>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 20, 2017
  14. sideshowbob Sorry, wrong number. Valued Senior Member

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    Just to be pedantic

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    , "pedantic" is an adjective. The noun would be "pedant".
     
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  15. DaveC426913 Valued Senior Member

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    I noticed this, but didn't have the cahones to speak up.

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    I'm pedant-adjacent.
     
  16. Michael 345 Valued Senior Member

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    A neuter pedant?

    or a pedant neutered?

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  17. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    I think you mean cojones.

    Pardon my pedantism.

    <>
     
  18. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    Fred was bragging to John about his job, car, house etc. Then he took out his phone, found a picture of his wife & said "Isn't she gorgeous?".
    John - "If you think she's gorgeous, you should see my wife"
    Fred - "Is she a stunner?"
    John - "She's an optometrist."

    ≠=================≠

    I phoned my husband during his drive home. "Billy, be careful. I heard on the news there is a car going the wrong way near your usual route."
    Billy - "It's not just 1 car. There are hundreds going the wrong way."

    ≠================≠

    Jesus goes into a restaurant & asks the hostess for a table for 26.
    Hostess - "But there are only 12 with you."
    Jesus - "We all sit on 1 side of the table."
    Waitress (after they are seated) - "Would you like a wine list?"
    Jesus - "No, thanks. Water will do."

    <>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 21, 2017
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  19. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    "Doctor, I'm always groggy for an hour after I get out of bed."
    "Get up an hour later."

    ≠=================≠

    "How long is your yardstick?"
    "I don't know. I've never measured it."

    ≠===================≠

    "So children, a single rabbit may have many offspring."
    "Goodness Teacher, how about married ones?"

    ≠=================≠

    The darkest hour is when I cannot find my matches.

    <>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 21, 2017
  20. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    A woman is going to Italy on business. Just before boarding her airplane, she asked her husband what he'd like her to bring back for him.
    He answered "An Italian girl".
    When she returned, he asked whether she brought back what he asked for.
    "Well, I did what I could. In 9 months, we'll see whether it's a girl.".

    ≠================≠

    Never end a sentence with a proposition.

    <>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 22, 2017
  21. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    My boss pulled up in her sweet new sports car & I complimented her on it.
    She put her hand on my shoulder & said "Well, if you work very hard, set goals, stay determined & put in long hours, I will get an even better one next year."

    ≠====================≠

    Revelation 3:20

    Genesis 3:10

    ≠======================≠

    "How many employees work in your company?"
    "About half of them."

    ≠===================≠

    "Why did you leave your last job?"
    "The company relocated & did not tell me where."

    ≠==================≠

    "Do you have Valentine cards which say for my lover, my favorite, my only one?"
    "Yes, we do."
    "I'll take 12, please."


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    Last edited by a moderator: May 22, 2017
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  22. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    My neighbor must be a genie. When I open a bottle, he shows up.

    Shut up when you talk to me!

    There are 24 hours in the day & 24 beers in a carton.

    I bought a globe so I could spit on the whole world.

    When someone hates me for no reason, I give them a reason.

    I tried looking at the bright side but it hurt my eyes.

    Don't condemn nudists. They were born that way.

    If you can keep a cool head, you probably don't understand what's going on.

    <>
     
    Last edited by a moderator: May 23, 2017
  23. StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    "Sir, did you use a condom the last time you had sex?"
    "Doctor, what do you mean by the last time?"

    ≠===============≠

    If life gives you lemons, surgery can give you melons.

    ≠===============≠

    "I'm afraid you've been poisoned."
    "With what, Doc?"
    "We'll find that out with the autopsy."

    ≠==============≠

    "Are you a gynecologist?"
    "No but I can take a look at it."

    ≠================≠

    My doctor told me to avoid stress so I didn't open her bill.

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