Jokes and Funny Stories II

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Billy T, Jan 10, 2014.

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  1. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 8, 2017
    #1261
    sculptor likes this.

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  3. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 9, 2017
    #1262

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  5. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 9, 2017
    #1263
    sideshowbob and Michael 345 like this.

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  7. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 9, 2017
    #1264
  8. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 9, 2017
    #1265
  9. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 9, 2017
    #1266
  10. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 14, 2017
    #1267
    Truck Captain Stumpy and Michael 345 like this.
  11. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 14, 2017
    #1268
    sideshowbob, Truck Captain Stumpy and Michael 345 like this.
  12. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 14, 2017
    #1269
    Truck Captain Stumpy and Michael 345 like this.
  13. Michael 345

    Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    A man who'd just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

    The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

    She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

    The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

    She gives the Blonde mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

    The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

    She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

    To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

    'There's no charge,' she says.

    'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

    'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

    I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

    'So I just switched the heads.'

    Friends email

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    Michael 345, Jun 15, 2017
    #1270
    Truck Captain Stumpy and Dr_Toad like this.
  14. Michael 345

    Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

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    Alan:
    Two bee keepers . . . And one says, "How many bees have you got?"
    And he says, "I've got 10,000 bees.”
    He says, "How many hives have you got?"
    He says, "I've got 20 hives".
    “20 hives; 10,000 bees?"
    He says, "Yeah.”

    He says, “How may bees have you got?"
    He says, “I've got a million bees.”
    “A million bees?!"
    He says, "Yeah."
    He says, "How many hives have you got?"
    "One."

    "A million bees - one hive?”
    He goes, "Yeah, f**k 'em; they're only bees.”

    https://forums.digitalspy.com/discussion/471131/alan-davies-qi-on-g2-bee-joke

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    Michael 345, Jun 17, 2017
    #1271
    Truck Captain Stumpy likes this.
  15. Truck Captain Stumpy

    Truck Captain Stumpy The Right Honourable Reverend Truck Captain Valued Senior Member

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    Truck Captain Stumpy, Jun 17, 2017
    #1272
  16. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 18, 2017
    #1273
    Truck Captain Stumpy likes this.
  17. Dr_Toad

    Dr_Toad It's green! Valued Senior Member

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    To each his own. That sounds like something that W.C Fields might have said, though, so not bad.

    I just don't find Colbert funny at all. Not even a little bit.
     
    Dr_Toad, Jun 18, 2017
    #1274
    Truck Captain Stumpy likes this.
  18. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 18, 2017
    #1275
    Truck Captain Stumpy likes this.
  19. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 18, 2017
    #1276
  20. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 18, 2017
    #1277
  21. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 18, 2017
    #1278
    Truck Captain Stumpy likes this.
  22. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 18, 2017
    #1279
  23. StrangerInAStrangeLand

    StrangerInAStrangeLand SubQuantum Mechanic Valued Senior Member

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    StrangerInAStrangeLand, Jun 18, 2017
    #1280
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