Jokes and Funny Stories

Georgia

The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice,
so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.

He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings.

 

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I know the University of Georgia is a joke, they challenged the Tigers

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Things overheard at God's Tech Support.

"There is an upgrade path from the Old to the New Testament, but it's difficult and unsupported."

"We were only able to get the first seven Commandments on the stone tablets. The last three will be in Commandments '98."

"You can't get your bush to burn? Have you tried sacrifice?"

"The 'virgin birth' is not a bug, it's a documented feature."

"You'll need more RAM to run all four horseman concurrently."

"The first semaphore is being dropped, the second is returning an olive branch."

"I.S. says it will rain for exactly 20 days."

"Kai's Revelations Tools produce some really cool effects but they're difficult to understand and use."

"We killed the process, but three days later it came back."

"The walls of Jericho won't fall without a 100% fully compatible Soundblaster Card."

"The voice of God is a standardized protocol, but each prophet implements it differently."

"My wife looked at K&R and now she's a pillar of salt."

"Each loaf and fish comes with an AOL disk!"

"Yes, the documentation is poorly organized, contradictory and written by committee. It's still better than UNIX man pages."

"Adam & Eve would still be in the garden if they'd eaten the Windows."

"Who told you that? Lucifer? Of COURSE he'd say heaven has heating problems."

"Ah, no sir. No, I'm afraid not. We stopped honoring indulgences hundreds of years ago."

"No. I'm afraid not. That's NOT what the Rapture is all about. In fact, that's still classified as a sin".

"No, no, no. That's NOT what was meant by 'Love thy neighbor as thyself'."

"The Apocrypha? I'm sorry sir. We don't support third party additions."

"Yes we do offer a lifetime guarantee. As long as you registered yourself with us via baptism, you're covered. Yes, even then. Yes, we know it's quite a good deal. Why thank you, we like to think it's the best deal around."

"Did you read the release notes for Godly service? No? Well, it clearly states that 'Celibate' was a typo. It should have been 'Celebrate'... Sir? Sir?"

"Yes, there's an SDK and we have done some limited partnerships in the past. In fact, some developers had access to the Miracles SDK for awhile. However, we ran into some problems with legal, so it was pulled."

"I'm sorry. There currently no way to extend the beta period for an individual human."

"The office of God has no official comment on the use or existence of other 'companies', past, present or future."

"We simply provide a tool called 'life'. It's neither good nor bad. What you do with it is up to you. However, you may want to get in touch with our marketing department so we can use you as an endorsement or case study if things go particularly well."

"Satan called in again, pretending to be a customer."

"Man, I hate taking those walking on water calls, especially when they've already fallen in a few times."

"I'm sorry sir, but we do not support life on Mars."

"You killed your son to prove your faith? Didn't you see the addendum to the readme.txt?"

"We have seen problems with receiving the Holy Spirit, so we need to re-initialize your COM port."

"I'm very sure that if it's got serial number 666, it's not our product."

"You're feeling lustful for your neighbor's wife? We have a technote for that."

"Worshipping a false idol certainly is in violation of the support agreement."

"Ma'am, yelling at me isn't going to make Him fix the problem any sooner."

 

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As we all know, Tiger returned to golf

after a 5 month hiatus. We seniors

have put together some words of advice

he may want to follow...


Senior Wisdom for Tiger


When you see a woman....
And want her badly.
Please consider the following....



No matter how beautiful she is.....



No matter how sexy she is....

No matter how seductive she is...

No matter how huge her breasts are...



I forgot where I was going with this...

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It's Saturday night, and the regular neighborhood group of guys are sitting around the table playing poker — a 2Oyo guy, a 4Oyo guy, a 6Oyo guy, and an 8Oyo guy. The hand is over, and one of them gathers the cards and starts shuffling them.

The 2Oyo guy speaks up, "I get it every night", and everyone nods knowingly.

The 4Oyo guy says, "I get it once a week", and the guys nod.

The 6Oyo guy says, "I get it once a month", and they nod again.

The 8Oyo guy says, "I get it once a year, yahoo!" ... and the 2Oyo guy is confused.

He says, "Hey old-timer, I get it every night, these two guys get it once a week and once a month, and you get it only once a year. What's so great about that?"

The old geezer replies, "Because tonight's the night!!"

 

Funny video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=EVwlMVYqMu4&vq=medium#t=125

 

Exercise While Pregnant

The room was full of pregnant women and their
partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing.
The instructor was teaching the women how to
breathe properly, along with informing the men
how to give the necessary assurances at this
stage of the plan.

The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise
is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.
And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take
the time to go walking with your partner!"

The room really got quiet.

Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised
his hand.

"Yes?" replied the teacher.

"Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while
we walk?"

 

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will
be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was
the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's Government conceded that English
spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in
plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make
sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of
"k".This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like
fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to
reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments
will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a
deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the
silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with
"z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou"
and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no
mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza.

Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl. Zen ve vil rul ze world!!!

 

Let's just piss everybody off......

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I've just come out of the shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him 'I wish I had your will power.'


I took my Biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were not the correct answers.


A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said ‘don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually.’


I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said 'Nope, youre still black'


Snow in the forecast! The TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight.
I thought to myself, fat chance with a face like that!


Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!


Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such an immense shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.


I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself Im going to take that.


Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland . He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts to him ‘Where am I?’ The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. ‘You’re in that feckin basket. ‘


I had a Trivia competition In The Bag until the last question, which I got wrong.
The question was Where do women have the curliest hair??
Apparently, the answer I should have given was Fiji .

 

That is like this true one:

Contestant was asked: What is the noisiest food to eat? Correct answer was celery, but he replied “beans”

 

Endearments

Bernie was invited to his friend's home for
dinner. Morris, the host, preceded every request
to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey,
My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

Bernie looked at Morris and remarked, "That
is really nice, that after all these years that
you have been married, you keep calling your
wife those pet names."

Morris hung his head and whispered, "To tell
the truth, I forgot her name three years ago!"

 

Dorrigo Three Kick Rule

A big city California lawyer went duck hunting
in rural New South Wales. He shot and dropped
a bird, but it fell into a farmer's paddock on
the other side of a fence.

As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly
farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him
what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I
shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now
I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property,
and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the
best trial attorneys in the States and, if you
don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and
take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently,
you don't know how we do things up here in the
Northern Rivers. We settle small disagreements
like this with the Dorrigo Three Kick Rule."


The lawyer asked, "What is the Dorrigo Three
Kick Rule?"

The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you
three times and then you kick me three times,
and so on, back and forth, until someone gives
up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed
contest and decided that he could easily take
the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local
custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from
the tractor and walked up to the city feller.


His first kick planted the toe of his heavy
work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped
him to his knees. His second kick nearly ripped
the man's nose off his face. The barrister was
flat on his belly then the farmer's third kick
to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and
managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you
old coot - now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give
up. You can have the duck."

 

lol..been there, done that..

 

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing.
He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were
killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching
as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

 

Subject: FW: Taken from real life court reporter! FUNNY!
These are brilliant.

>> IT CAN BE HARD KEEPING A STRAIGHT FACE AS A COURT REPORTER
>>
>> These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
>> things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
>> now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm
>> while these exchanges were actually taking place.
>>
>> ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>> morning?
>> WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?'
>> ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>> WITNESS: My name is Susan!
>>
>> ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>> WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>>
>> ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>> WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>>
>> ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>> WITNESS: I forget.
>> ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>> forgot?
>>
>> ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
>> voodoo?
>> WITNESS: We both do.
>> ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
>> WITNESS: We do..
>> ATTORNEY: You do?
>> WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
>>
>> ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>> sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>> WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>> ____________________________________
>>
>> ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
>> WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
>>
>> ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>> WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
>>
>> ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>> WITNESS: Getting laid
>>
>> ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>> WITNESS: Yes.
>> ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>> WITNESS: None.
>> ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>> WITNESS: Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
>> get a new attorney?
>> ____________________________________________
>>
>> ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>> WITNESS: By death..
>> ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
>> WITNESS: Take a guess.
>>
>> ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>> WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
>> ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
>> WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
>>
>> ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
>> deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
>> WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

>> ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on
>> dead people?
>> WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
>>
>> ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you
>> go to?
>> WITNESS: Oral...
>>
>> ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>> WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
>> ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>> WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

 

The penalty for laughing in court is six months. If it wasn't for that, the jury would never be able to hear the testimony.

###

I just came across this ... too too funny!

All I Want for Christmas ~ Mariah Carey (sorta)

 

LOL......Thanks Cifo. I'm off to give wynn a laugh with this on her Christmas offends me thread. It ties in with the OP beautifully.

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I get a chuckle out of Tree Lobsters sometimes.

This one ties in with a lot of the comments on punctuation that have been surfacing on other threads. Safer to post it here though....

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President Clinton finishes his time on earth
and approaches the Pearly Gates of Heaven. "And
who might you be?" inquires St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President
of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh....Mr. President! What may I do for you?"
asks St. Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have
to confess your sins. What bad things have you
done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well,
I tried marijuana, but you can't call it `dope-smoking'
because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate
extramarital relationships, but you can't call
it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual
relations.' And I made some statements that were
misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't
call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far
as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard
of perjury."

With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life
briefly, and declares, "Okay, here's the deal.
We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call
it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but
we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter,
you don't have to "abandon all hope," just don't
hold your breath .......



waiting for it to freeze over."

 

"What's in the bags?"

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border
on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his
shoulders. The guard asks, "What's in the bags?"

The fellow says, "Sand!"

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow
gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground,
opens them up, and the guard inspects... only
to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places
the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike
across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...

"What have you there?"

"Sand"

"We want to examine."

Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow
is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections
continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't
show up. However, the guard sees him downtown
and says to the fellow, "Buddy, you had us crazy.
We sort of knew you were smuggling something.
I won't say anything what were you smuggling?"


The fellow says, "Bicycles."