Jokes and Funny Stories

So in England the joke should finish ""My second wish was for a tall bird with a big backside and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

I have long know that. The point of my suggested addition (bold below) was to explain why the ostrich was even in the restaurant instead of locked in a closet at home (or dead).

I.e. a better punch line is:
"My second wish was for a constant companion who was a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

You and Robittybob1 have missed my point.

To answer your implied question: I entered Brazil as a permanent resident on 10May1994, but had visited four or 5 times in the year before, to have the confidence I would be happy there. I had even already bought ~100 Acre run down ranch as "plan B." Governments are strange - I was approved for permanent resident status, during my last visit on tourist permit, but could not just switch status - I had to leave as a tourist and re-enter with permanent resident status! Those prior visits had burnt up all my saved up vacation. As "senior staff" I got 5 weeks per year. The beautiful lady who wanted me (god only knows why) to come and live with her was a full professor in the best university of all South America. I know a good bit about how perception works, even at the neuronal level, and she taught a course on learning, which of course* has perception as it basis. We solved my "no more vacation time" problem with fact the Applied Physic Lab would grant leave of absence to principle staff to teach. I. e. she adjusted one of her courses to allow me to teach it once per week. As perception is sensory "information processing" a professor in the computer sciences division had me teach a few lectures for him too.

* Except for a few innate things, mostly behaviors, including probably the ability to learn a language - a much harder task than most imagine, but 1 year olds do it. I agree with Chomski that it is impossible to learn a language without some innate knowledge (and with many of his political views too.) I wasted money buying several of Chomski's books on language, but if you want to know what Chomski believes, read Steven Pinker's The Language Instinct.

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

I like South Park.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

http://www.southparkstudios.com/clips/152270/abandon-all-hope

 

Ant jokes:

Determinant: ant walking on a Mobius strip.
Commandant: ant who gives orders.
Sycophant: ant with anty-social problems.
Attendant: ant with an appointment.
Antagonist: ant who writes agony columns.
Reliant: ant who is dependable.
Anticlimax: ant sex.

 

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Simple farmer from remote rural valley takes his 5-year old son to nearest town (a tiny collections of stores) where he had heard there was a new "Sight to see." - A 5-story tall building! They immediately enter the lobby and see, with no understanding, a fat old lady get into the town's only elevator. About a minute later the elevator doors open again, and an attractive young secretary emerges. Dad grabs son's arm and pulls him to building door saying: "We're going home." Why? asks the son. "We just got here." Dad says: "To get your mom."

 

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

This is the footnote to my post in the "Bitcoin ... I need advise" thread at: http://www.sciforums.com/showthread...-some-advice&p=3134594&viewfull=1#post3134594

"... I think only chain letters that ask you to send money are illegal, but perhaps all are as Post Office loses more money, the more mail there is.
The one I like best asks for a service, not money. It goes like this:

Add your address to bottom of the list and remove the top one so list remains 4 long. Then send letter, with your name at the bottom, to four of your closest (live near you) friends. After that, you go after dark on 4 consecutive days, to the four address sent to you and shit on the lawn there. (Don't be embarrassed - many will doing the same.) Then after a few days, for couple of weeks, if no one breaks the chain, your lawn will be fertilized for free by 256 people!

PS - Unlike many chain letters this one can continue forever - a few months from now, you may get the same opportunity to help others ecologically again. ..."

 

Yes I've seen that before and in case of that particular chain letter, it can't be seen as fraud because nobody in his/her right mind would take it seriously. I would add that I can't even imagine anyone who would be willing to pay for that postage knowing that most likely nobody would respond to it. Can you think of any close by friends you would be willing to send it to? I did see it in a joke group of a news group service I subscribe to.

In order to be considered illegal the chain letter would have to be defrauding people financially.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/2014-01-09/marriage-makes-you-rich-and-stupid.html Note the not printed or compressed part of link is: Marriage makes you rich and stupid.

IMHO, Bloomberg has made a common mistake, like thinking fire trucks cause fires. I.e. reversing cause and effect. I.e. if you are rich and stupid, you are surely married.

Man's best friend:

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up, rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!”

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, “I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m scared to fly and I get very seasick. “Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?”

The genie laughed and said, “That’s impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete! How much steel! You’re going to have to think of another wish.”

The man agreed, and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, “I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don’t care and that I’m insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they’re thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to figure out why they’re crying, know what they really want when they say nothing, and know how to make them truly happy.”

The genie paused for a while and said, “How many lanes do you want on that bridge?”

 

Today's chemistry quiz: Explain what Lithium and Sodium did to end the Australian Open Tennis match finals yesterday. Answer is here: http://www.chinadaily.com.cn/sports/2014-01/25/content_17258304.htm

Hint: it happened at the French Open in 2011 also.

And while I'm here, do you know what marks a successful person, according to Lana Turner? Answer:
In a man: Making money faster than his wife can spend it.
In a woman: Finding and marrying such a man.

 

A woolly mammoth staggers into a bar and orders a large whiskey, slapping a c-note down in front of the bartender.
Since he has to use his trunk, he inadvertently pokes both his tusks through the bar, narrowly missing another employee.

"Did I do that?" the sozzled snout-owner asks. "You Mastodon", says the bartender.

 

Ted is sitting in the local getting slowly plastered and looking unhappy.
Joe the bartender asks him why the long face, and Ted explains his girlfriend left him because he forgot it was her birthday, so didn't have anything to give her when he got home.

"You might as well face it, you're a dick, Ted", says the bartender.

 

For those who neither knew or went to the link, the name of the rising Chinese tennis star who won is Li Na.

 

I've been reading what comes in email.
Thought id find away on and post this....

It's All In the "Good Book" -------------------------

In my mature years, I’m finally beginning to understand the Bible! For those who haven’t heard, the State of Washington just passed two laws:

* Same-sex Marriage * Legalized Marijuana

The fact that same-sex marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:

"If a man lies with another man they should be stoned."

I just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before.....

 

Thread closed.
New thread here.
I copied the last seven posts (all the posts made in 2014) of this thread to the new one.