Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

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  1. GREEN EGGS AND WHAT?

    The National Education Association is celebrating "Read Across America" by encouraging adults to read to children. Of course, Green Eggs and Ham is one of the most popular Dr. Seuss books. And, there's the dilemma. How can Jewish kids celebrate with green Eggs and HAM? So, in honor of (and with apologies to the estate of Dr. Seuss) here's a new ending for the story:



    Will you never see?

    They are not KOSHER, So let me be!

    I will not eat green eggs and ham.

    I will not eat them, Sam-I-am

    But I'll eat green eggs with a biscuit!

    Or I will try them with some brisket.

    I'll eat green eggs in a box.

    If you serve them with some lox.

    And those green eggs are worth a try

    Scrambled up in matzo brie!

    And in a boat upon the river,

    I'll eat green eggs with ! chopped liver!

    So if you're a Jewish Dr. Seuss fan,

    But troubled by green eggs and ham,

    Let your friends in on the scoop:

    Green eggs taste best with chicken soup!
     
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  3. Subject: Religious Articles



    Abie and Moishe had a religious goods store on Delancey Street on the Lower East Side of NYC. The neighborhood was changing. The Jews were moving to Westchester and the Puerto Ricans were moving in.

    "Abie, we have to move to Westchester," said Moishe.

    "We can't. This neighborhood is our life. We've been here for 33 years. Maybe we can start stocking Catholic articles too."

    “What? Catholic articles? Bis tu in gantzen meshuggeh? We're Jews. No Catholic articles!!!"



    Well, a month passed and they sold nothing but two tallesim, three

    mezzuzahs and one set of tefillin. Now was the time to fish or cut bait.

    Moishe agreed that they had to stock Catholic articles, so he said to Abie,

    "OK, call that Catholic supply house on Park Avenue."

    Abie: "Hello, Catholic supply house on Park Avenue? This is Abie and Moishe's' on Delancey Street. We want 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 of those beads - what you call them, Rosaries?--and 500 crucifixes... and I need those things here tomorrow."



    "OK, Sir. I got your order. Let me read it back: 100 autographed pictures of the Pope, 200 sets of Rosaries and 500 crucifixes. But--tomorrow we don't deliver... it's Shabbos!"
     
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  5. from the following site:
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    My Three Cheap Sons

    The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary and their three grown sons joined them for dinner. The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

    "You're all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

    "What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"

    "Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
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  7. Today's Quote
    http://www.houseofquotes.com
    ""
    ---


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    Funerals

    A priest, a Buddhist and a rabbi are discussing what each would like to be said at their funeral.

    The priest said that he would like someone to say, "There is a man who followed the path of Jesus."

    The buddist said that he would like someone to say, "There is a man who strived for enlightenment."

    The rabbi said that he would like somone to say, "LOOK! He's moving!"

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------
     
  8. Avoid Chain Letters

    If you send this message off to 20 people within the next 4 days, and each of them send this letter off to 20 other people within 4 days...

    In 40 days, approx. 10 trillion of these messages will cross the internet.

    >From day 40 to day 44, an additional 200 trillion of these messages will cross the internet, at an average of 50 trillion messages per day.

    >From day 44 to 48, an additional 4,000 trillion of
    these messages will cross the internet, at an average of 1,000 trillion messages a day, 41.7 trillion messages per hour, 694 billion messages per minute, or 11.6 billion messages per second.

    Of course, the internet will have ground to a complete halt way before then, and a good thing too, because by day 44 (assuming each man, woman and child in the world is tied to the internet) you would have to respond to about 2 chain mail letters per second, sending off 20 responses each second, giving you 5/100 of a second to send each message. If you drop the ball, you will break about 1,800,000 chain letters per day, bringing
    almost two million times the bad luck upon yourself than if you broke the first chain letter to begin with.

    The logical conclusion? It is better to break the
    initial chain letter and receive one dose of bad luck than to continue the chain letter, and by day 44, receive 1,800,000 doses of bad luck.

    I knew one poor fellow who ended up in such a
    circumstance. He ended up having 287,345 heart
    attacks, losing 5,137 wives, got fired from at least 100,000 jobs, and was run over by a truck. His Visa card was also revoked. Nobody liked him anymore. He finally ended up committing suicide 459 times, but he was so unlucky, he was never successful. Finally, he resigned to the idea of not dying, and was immediately hit by a meteorite and vaporized. But his cells went on to experience even more bad luck.
     
  9. Morteza Olangui Enemy of the people Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    236
    Hi:
    I lost my mother-in-law about fourty days ago, Today is march 6, 2004. Death is the big joke in our lives. She was a good woman. She was very hospitable. May God bless her soul.

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!


    Q: Who is the happiest person in the world?
    A: Adam, because he did not have a mother-in-law? quakc-quack
     
  10. After his death, Osama bin Laden went to heaven.......................

    There he was greeted by George Washington, who proceeded to slap him across the face and yell at him, "How dare you try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"



    Patrick Henry approached and punched Osama in the nose and shouted," You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."



    James Madison entered, kicked Osama in the groin and said," This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"



    Thomas Jefferson came in and proceeded to beat Osama many times with a long cane and said, "It was evil men like you that provided me the inspiration to pen the Declaration of Independence!"



    These beatings and thrashings continued as John Rudolph, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans came in and unleashed their anger on the Muslim terrorist leader.



    As Osama lay bleeding and writhing in unbearable pain an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept in pain and said to the Angel, "This isn't what you promised."



    The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in heaven. What did you think I said?"
     
  11. Morteza Olangui Enemy of the people Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    236
    Hi:
    There were two cows in a paddock and one said to the other: " I`m a bit worried about this mad cow disease that`s been going around. The other answered : " It won`t worry me. I`m a helicopter."

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

    quack - quack
     
  12. Microzoft Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    1,838
    Q & A on Iraq

    Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
    A: Nothing, yet.

    Q: Have you heard about the new Iraqi air force exercise program?
    A: Each morning you raise your hands above your head and leave them there.

    Q: What's the five-day forecast for Baghdad?
    A: Two days.

    Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
    A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

    Q: What is the Iraqi air force motto?
    A: I came, I saw, Iran.

    Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
    A: Foreign ambassador.

    Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
    A: You only have to teach them to take off.

    Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
    A: B-52 ... F-16 ... B-52

    Q: What is Iraq's national bird?
    A: Duck.

    Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
    A: They both want to know where the heck those Tomahawks are coming from!

    Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
    A: None. They can't turn them on anyway.

    Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
    A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

    Q: Why does the Iraqi navy have glass bottom boats?
    A: So they can see their air force.
     
  13. soxisgod Registered Member

    Messages:
    22
    Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?

    A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again


    Hope this hasn't been done already - theres 33 pages of quality fickin jokes

    The Sox
     
  14. water the sea Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    6,442
    Bill Gates and the Magic Goldfish

    I just heard this one:

    So one day Bill Gates went for a walk on his huge estate. As he was strolling along a brook, he saw that the Magic Goldfish was in need: there were branches in the water and the Magic Goldfish was trapped and couldn't swim on. Bill saved the Magic Goldfish and released it -- and made himself on his way.
    The Magic Goldfish was in much surprise -- for people, after meeting the Magic Goldfish, always want their three wishes to be fulfilled -- since the Magic Goldfish can fulfill ANY wish.
    So the Magic Goldfish called after him, quite amazed: "What about the three wishes?!"
    Bill replied, somewhat displeased and cranky: "Uh. Ok, say them."
     
  15. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    33,264
    Who Is Jack Schitt???

    The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response

    when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on and you'll be able to

    handle the situation intelligently. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O.

    Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of

    Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc. Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply

    religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt,

    Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents'

    wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After 15

    years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr.

    Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last

    name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda

    Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken

    Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood

    subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the

    Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children

    were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour

    the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt.

    So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ.

    You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list!
     
  16. Ozymandias Unregistered User Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    799
    Seen this before ... pretty funny, eh?
     
  17. Morteza Olangui Enemy of the people Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    236
    Hi:

    Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!


    A man walks by a beggar on the corncer of the street where he works. The beggar holds out one of his hands and the man drops a coin into it. One day the man passes by the beggar again and notices that the beggar is holding out both his hands. He asks:
    "Why are you holding out both of your hands?"
    The beggar replied:
    " You see, Sir, business is going so well, I decided to open another branch."
    quack - quack, thanks
     
  18. tablariddim forexU2 Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    4,795
    A brunette, a redhead and a blonde go for a job interview. A question is posed to them, 'How many d's in bonanza?'

    The brunette answers straight away, 'none'.

    The redhead thinks for a second and says, 'none'.

    The blonde, thinks and thinks and thinks and finally she says, '386'.

    'How d'you work that one out?' Says the boss.

    And the blonde starts to sing the Bonanza theme, 'Dundaradunduradun...'
     
  19. Hey, speaking of Jack Schitt, here are some jokes in the making.

    "How do you know Scott Peterson is guilty? Why, he's a fertilizer salesman"

    “How did Scott Peterson end up with so many girlfriends? Why, he's a fertilizer salesman"

    “Where did Scott Peterson learn to lie so convincingly? Why, he's a fertilizer salesman"
     
  20. Nebuchadnezzaar Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    573
    how do you get the baby to stop swinging on the clothes line?


    hit it with a shovel
     
  21. The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store...



    1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now that you've come into my life...

    (Inside card) - I've changed my mind.



    2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...

    (Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.



    3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....

    (Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.



    4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go....

    (Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably need it again.




    5. Someday I hope to marry...

    (Inside card) - Someone other than you.



    6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....

    (Inside card) - Almost lifelike!



    7. Then we were together, you said you'd die for me...

    (Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your promise.



    8. We've been friends for a very long time...

    (Inside card) - What do you say we stop?



    9. I'm so miserable without you...

    (Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.



    10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....

    (Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?



    11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket...

    (Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and think of you often.



    12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...

    (Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.



    13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

    (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and Arkansas)



    14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but wonder...

    (Inside card) - What was I thinking?



    15. Congratulations on your wedding day!...

    (Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2004
  22. Think about this one: Have you been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking...surely I cannot look that old?

    You may enjoy this short story which could be true....

    While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his Full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 30 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate

    After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.

    "Yes," he replied. "When did you graduate?" I asked.
    He answered, "In 1971. Why?"

    "You were in my class!" I exclaimed.

    He looked at me closely and then asked, "What did you teach?"

    **********************************************************
     
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