Jokes and Funny Stories

Take your time

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

Here is another one for you:

---------------
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm, soothing voice, says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy’s voice comes back on the line. He says: “Okay, now what?”
---------------------​

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

---------------------
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!” The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
---------------------​

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

p.s.: sorry, I have to go back to work now. Later!

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

.

lol, xD
ok, bye,

i know some jokes,

ok, i'm bored now, so wanna hear a very boring joke?
ok,

there's a guy, walking, walking, walking, walking, walking, a dog chaced him, so he runed, runed, runed, and runed, then he walked, walked, walked and walked, then, stoped, :runaway::runaway:
that's what happends when you stay awake late, intill 23:30 ,
i know, it's a very boring joke, but some times, when i be with my friends, it make us laugh, cause it's soooooooo boring!!

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

__________________________________
What's the last thing to go through the mind of a Kamikaze pilot?

The windshield
__________________________________
Two kids were taking a ten question test. They both answer the first nine questions correctly. The first kid got an "A" the other failed.
For the last question the first kid wrote:
"I dont know"
The second wrote:
"Neither do I"
___________________________________
you might be a redneck if people have accused you of lying through your tooth
___________________________________
You might be a redneck if you and your dog use the same tree.
___________________________________
You might be a redneck if you have a singing fish in atleast three rooms of your house.
___________________________________
You may be a redneck if people say you have something in your teeth and you take them out to check.
___________________________________
You may be a redneck if you stare at a bottle of orange juice for two hours because it says "concentrate".
___________________________________
You might be a redneck if you think the last words to the star spangled banner are "Gentlemen start your engines"
___________________________________
You may be a redneck if you think "fast food" is hitting a possum at 65 mph.
___________________________________
You may be a redneck if your family tree has no forks.
___________________________________
You may be a redneck if you think fifth grade was the best six years of your life.
___________________________________
You may be a redneck if the halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teet than your wife.


Enjoy

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

.

ok, here's one

it's a guess:

there is 50 birds in a tree, a hunter, shooted on a one of those, the bird feld,
how many birds, does it left on the tree?
50-1= ?

 

.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

lol
oh, but , what's the redneck,




Two kids were taking a ten question test. They both answer the first nine questions correctly. The first kid got an "A" the other failed.
For the last question the first kid wrote:
"I dont know"
The second wrote:
"Neither do I"

LOL!

 

A red neck is a stereotypical southern farmer.

Of course nobody in the US south is like this, but the stereotype is that they are dumb, uneducated, and live in a backwards manner.

So hence the red neck jokes.

The word red neck comes from farmers whom labor in the fields where they are bent over most of the day and the sun burns the back of their neck. So when you see them with a sunburned neck, the term is "redneck"

 

A New Yorker, a Californian, and a redneck were going to take a trip across the desert. They were each told they were only allowed to bring one item with them.
On the day of the trip, the New Yorker asks the Californian what he brought. The Californian replied, "I brought a canteen of water, so if I get thirsty, I can drink...You?" The New Yorker replied, "I brought food, so if I get hungry, I can eat."
About that time, the Redneck walks up carrying a door off a car. When asked why he was bringing a car door, the Redneck replied, "So's if I get hot, I can roll down the winder"

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel around his crotch. The bartender says "Hey buddy, you got a steering wheel around your crotch." The pirate replies, "Arrrrg....it's driving me nuts."

 

lol!

 

.

hahahaha,
LOL!

 

Saint Peter was standing at the gate to heaven watching a man in the distance struggling to walk with a heavy object. As he got closer, Saint Peter could see he was dragging a very heavy suitcase. Eventually, he made it to the gate, and boy, was he happy!

Saint Peter asked him what he had, to which the man explained he figured out how to "take it with him" when he died. Saint Peter asked if he could look in the suitcase. With a big smile on his face, the man opened the case to reveal it was packed with gold bricks.

With a puzzled expression on his face, Saint Peter responded "You brought pavement???"

 

50-1=none left in the tree... cause 49 birds flew away after the gun fired.!!!

 

.

lol, yeah, some people fall in the question trap and say 49

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Well i was gonna say 49 so i coud find out what the answr to the joke was... but i desided to take a shot at guessin the real answer

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

.

and your guess what right,

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

do you other ones?
jokes?

 

Little Baby Maggot is Laying in Daddy Fly's Arms and looks up at Daddy Fly and Asks...

"Daddy... Is it true that when we die and go to Heaven that the Streets are Paved with Sht.???"

 

Little Baby Maggot was born in a barn. He emerged from his pupae and spent the entire thirty days of his life savoring the plentiful, fresh animal dung.

When he died, he went to fly heaven. The walls and ceiling were made of candy bars, the airways were draped with spun sugar and the streets were paved with sugar cubes.

Mister Fly is spending eternity believing he went to hell.
No shit!

 

The streets are paved with shit already.

 

oK... here anuther "afterlife" joke.!!!
----------------------------------------

Welcome to Hell
by Rorke Haining

"A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting
to talk to an admittance counselor.

He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell.

With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.

Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?

Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.

Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a
lot of fun. Do you like to drink?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Counselor: Well then, you are going to love
Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love
Mondays.
Do you smoke?

Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is
smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what?
You are going to love Tuesdays.

Do you do drugs?

Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.

Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead.
You are going to love Wednesdays.

Do you gamble?

Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.

Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything!
You are going to love Thursdays.

Are you gay?

Guy: Uhh...no.

Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...

 

.

loooool, xD