Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

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  1. cluelusshusbund + Public Dilemma + Valued Senior Member

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    No... time to get a new clock.!!!
    Bwaahahahahah<----------------


    A-Man.TTT
     
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  3. darksidZz Valued Senior Member

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    I knew a girl once that met a guy on facebook, she then met him in real life and he took her to his hotel diner where he bought her a 7 dollar sandwich, after which he banged her brains out in his hotel room. When she told me this story I was rather shocked, basically she knew him maybe 2 hours lmfao
     
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  5. Billy T Use Sugar Cane Alcohol car Fuel Valued Senior Member

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    Feel sorry for the guy - she probably gives it away for free normally.
     
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  7. coolplay Registered Member

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    Do you know why the keyboard of a blound girl is allways wet ?

    ... cause she's surfing on the Web all the time !
     
  8. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

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    1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,
    But I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

    2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.

    3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

    4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that
    Was too exhausting.

    5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice
    To my life, but just didn't have the thyme.

    6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... Couldn't cut the mustard.

    7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found
    I wasn't noteworthy.

    8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't
    Have any patience.

    9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.


    10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered
    I couldn't live on my net income.

    11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.


    12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


    13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.

    14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because
    It was the same old grind.

    15. SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!
     
  9. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

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    33,264
    Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.


    A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.


    Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.


    Practice safe eating - always use condiments.


    Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.


    A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.


    A hangover is the wrath of grapes.


    Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.


    Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?


    Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.


    Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.


    When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.


    A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.


    What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)


    Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.


    In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.


    She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.


    A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.


    If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed


    With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.


    The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.


    You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


    Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.


    Every calendar's days are numbered.


    A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.


    A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.


    He had a photographic memory that was never developed.


    A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.


    Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.


    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.


    Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


    Acupuncture is a jab well done.
     
  10. cosmictraveler Be kind to yourself always. Valued Senior Member

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    33,264
    The Sensitive Man



    A woman meets a man in a bar.



    They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..



    They get back to his place,




    And as he shows her around his apartment.



    She notices that one wall of his bedroom is
    Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.



    There are three shelves in the bedroom,





    With hundreds and hundreds of cute,



    Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed


    In rows, covering the entire wall!



    It was obvious that he had taken
    Quite some time to lovingly arrange them



    And she was immediately touched



    By the amount of thought he had
    Put into organizing the display.



    There were small bears all along
    The bottom shelf,




    Medium-sized bears covering the
    Length of the middle shelf,



    And huge, enormous bears running
    All the way along the top shelf.


    She found it strange for an
    Obviously masculine guy



    To have such a large collection of
    Teddy Bears,




    She is quite impressed by his
    Sensitive side.



    But doesn't mention this to him.



    They share a bottle of wine and
    Continue talking and,



    After awhile, she finds herself
    Thinking,




    'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
    Could be the one!



    Maybe he could be the future
    Father of my children?'




    She turns to him and kisses him
    Lightly on the lips






    He responds warmly.


    They continue to kiss, the passion builds,



    And he romantically lifts her in
    His arms and carries her into his bedroom



    Where they rip off each other's
    Clothes and make hot, steamy love.



    She is so overwhelmed that she
    Responds with more passion,


    More creativity, more heat than she
    Has ever known.


    After an intense, explosive night
    Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,


    They are lying there together in
    The afterglow.
    The woman rolls over, gently
    Strokes his chest and asks coyly,


    'Well, how was it?'


    The guy gently smiles at her,


    Strokes her cheek,
    Looks deeply into her eyes,



    And says:






    'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'



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  11. Billy T Use Sugar Cane Alcohol car Fuel Valued Senior Member

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    23,198
    Reminds me of the post sex question of a behaviorist: It was good for you, how was it for me?
     
  12. chocochoco Registered Member

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    1
    Hahaha. It's so funny. I love funny stories everytime!
     
  13. visceral_instinct Monkey see, monkey denigrate Valued Senior Member

    Messages:
    7,913
    I have one. Don't know if I shared this...

    My sis and niece and I were walking to the zoo and my niece says out loud...

    'Hey, mom. Scrunchies are like anuses, aren't they?'

    My sis says, 'What??'

    'Yeah, scrunchies are like anuses. They're circular and tight, like a bum hole.'

    My sis pretends to not hear.

    My niece continues, 'I wonder if back in the stone age, people used animal anuses as scrunchies?'

    She muses to herself a few seconds later 'You would have to be desperate for a scrunchie, though.'

    My sis pretends this child is not hers, while I try and fail to control my hysterical laughter.
     
  14. Spud Emperor solanaceous common tater Registered Senior Member

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    3,899
    Wow V.I I hadn't realised raccoon hats were actually affixed that way.

    Learn something every day.
     
  15. Fraggle Rocker Staff Member

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    24,690
    "I've known people who would kill themselves just so somebody else would get blamed."

    "If God had wanted sex to be fun, he wouldn't have created children as punishment."

    "America: It's not a country. It's a theme park."

    "That I before E rule would have confused Einstein. He got it wrong twice in his own name."

    "I fell asleep with a pillow over my head. When I woke up I had no teeth. There was just a ten-dollar bill lying there."

    "Yo mama's so stupid, she got fired from the M&M factory because she was throwing out the W's."
     
  16. Spud Emperor solanaceous common tater Registered Senior Member

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    3,899
    Mother: " Come hear V.I darling, let me put your hair in a ponytail today"

    V.I: " Fuck off Mom! I don't want horseshit dribbling down my back again!"

    Mother: " Pigtails? "

    V.I: " MOTHERRRR!!!"
     
  17. Pit JAADD Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    69
    Need some help. Got a punchline, no joke. It's about fast food and religion
    Here's the punchline: You go to Taco Hell
    Only questions I can come up with are:
    What happens when you don't worship at the church of Saint McDonald?
    Any help? I'm willing to share joke credit.
     
  18. Spud Emperor solanaceous common tater Registered Senior Member

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    3,899
    Visceral, how old is your niece? She sounds like fun on wheels.
     
  19. visceral_instinct Monkey see, monkey denigrate Valued Senior Member

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    7,913
    Loooooooooool!!!!!
     
  20. visceral_instinct Monkey see, monkey denigrate Valued Senior Member

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    7,913
    She's 14 now and yeah, she is great fun, when we're not calling each other names/punching each other.

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  21. visceral_instinct Monkey see, monkey denigrate Valued Senior Member

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    Another one of hers...

    We were out shopping, my sis was driving, I was drinking a can of red bull, and my niece randomly decides to wind down the window and annoy members of the public by shouting 'BOGIES!' at the top of her lungs.

    I was taken completely by surprise, started laughing, and sprayed my mouthful of red bull through my nose.
     
  22. Billy T Use Sugar Cane Alcohol car Fuel Valued Senior Member

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    23,198
    What do Mexican Atheists do?

    They go to Taco Hell.

    That reminds me of old one I may have posted long ago:

    What does an agnostic, dyslexic, insomniac do?

    He lays awake at night and wonders if there is a doG.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 11, 2010
  23. ScaryMonster I’m the whispered word. Valued Senior Member

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    1,074
    Question for the ages!

    If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

    || Merged with thread "Jokes and Funny Stories"
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 20, 2010
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