Jokes and Funny Stories

Colour wouldn't change as a smurf is already coloured...

 

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Don’t laugh, but I invented this joke. On second thought, feel free to laugh.

No, that was not the joke. Here it is:

Why do psychiatrists get away with charging outrageous fees?
Answer: Because their patients are crazy.

 

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Haha, that wasn't a particularly smart joke, but it was nonetheless funny.

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What's the difference between dogs and babies?

It's not funny when you drop a dog on to spiked railings...

 

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When i was 7 an kinda able to read som stuff... i made this joke up after readin the sunday funny papers:::

What did the nail say to the hammer.???

v
v
v
v
v

"You drive me crazy.!!!"

 

Quite a few years ago, my grand daughter asked me if I knew why 6 was afraid of 7?

After my "No." She replied: "Because seven ate nine."

 

A blond teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer,
decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing
a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the
first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said, "How
much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she
would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation
said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those
dumb blond jokes we've been getting by email lately."

Later that day, the blond came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.

"Yes, the blond replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it
two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed
it to her along with a $10.00 tip.

"And by the way, "the blond added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."*

 

Why making stuff up and not doing any actual physics is easy.

...

"In news just to hand, scientists who wanted to build a string lab quickly ran into a problem, when they couldn't find enough of the imaginary ones."

...(bada-bing, bada-beesh!)

 

Subject: FW: Children are quick



___________________________________

TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America .
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
____________________________________

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the
floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
____________________________________________

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________

TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we
didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
>GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________

TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the
alphabet.'
________________________________

TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father's
cherry tree, but also admitted it.
Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't
punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand....

______________________________________

TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before
eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________

TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the
same as your brother's.. Did you copy ?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
___________________________________

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking
when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
__________________________________
TEACHER: John two wrongs don't make a right!
JOHN: Yeah, but three lefts make a right!

 

After closing time at the bar, a drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends. He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

'What's up with the big brass gong?' one of the guests asked.

'It's not a gong. It's a talking clock,' the drunk replied.

'A talking clock? Seriously?' asked his astonished friend.

'Yup,' replied the drunk.

'How's it work?' the friend asked, squinting at it.

'Watch,' the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, 'You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!

 

The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.

Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly,

"My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and
I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Jenny was next:

"I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that
magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny," said the teacher..

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ....

Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of
cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467," he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes!" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample."
They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog shit!" Then I would say, “It is dog shit. Wanna buy a toothbrush?"

"I used the governmental approach of giving you something shitty for free, and then making you pay to get the shitty taste out of your mouth."

 

A professor at the Auburn University was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, ' How many people here believe in ghosts ? '

About 90 students raise their hands.

Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost ?

About 40 students raise their hands.

That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost ?

About 15 students raise their hand.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost ?

Three students raise their hands.

That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost ?

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says ' Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience. '

The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, ' So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost ? '

Ahmed replied, " Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats. "

 

Things you shouldnt say to a cop when he pulls you over...

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!
5. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop
7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead
8. Bad cop! No donut!
9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
10. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand.
13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?
14. I pay your salary!
15. So, uh, you on the take, or what?
16. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!
17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around -
that's how far ahead of me they are.
19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and
got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

Signs That You Are Too Drunk...

You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
Job interfering with your drinking.
Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
Career won't progress beyond Senator from Massachusetts.
The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case - coincidence?? - I think not!
Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
You can focus better with one eye closed.
The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
You fall off the floor...
Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you
At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh..."
Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
You wake up in the bedroom, your underwear is in the bathroom, you
fell asleep clothed. - hmm.
The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
You think the Four Basic Food Groups are Caffeine, Nicotine,
Alcohol, and Women.
Every night you're beginning to find your roommate's cat more and
more attractive.
Roseanne looks good.
Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
Senators Kennedy and Packwood shake their heads when they walk past you.
I'm as jober as a sudge.
The shrubbery's drunk from too frequent watering.

Beer Troubleshooting....

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

 

Too much racism and steriotyping for my taste.

I don't know if it still on the books, but years ago when a student at Cornell, I learned from a farmer's son, a fraternity brother, that it was illegal in NY state to transport either sheep or goats in truck if a man was occupying that part of the truck too.

"an Alburn professor" would be in NY state, not that it makes much difference but neither is you "Middle Eastern Muslim" an essential fact. I.e. "shy little guy" could have been used to avoid steriotyping, religious reference, and racism.
-------------
Your joke reminded me of another professor taking a survey of his classes sexual habits:
How many of you have sex every day...
How many every week...
How many once per month....
How may once each year...
Finally a shy little guy in the back of room, the only one with hand up, stood, was shouting "me, me, me" waving his hands, etc.

Professor: why all this commotion?
Shy little guy: Tonight's the night!

 

23. Officer: Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?
You: You look fat, have you been eating donuts?

 

But you did not tell how to know that you are NOT drunk. There is a short poem that answers that:

"He is not drunk, who from the floor,
Can lift his head to ask for more."

--------------
No24 Things not to say to cop, especially if blond female (again fighting steriotyping):

I had to drive fast officer. I needed to get home before I ran out of gas.

 

A watermelon farmer was determined to scare off the local kids who went into his watermelon patch every night to eat their fill.

After some thought, he made a sign that read, ?WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS HAS BEEN INJECTED WITH CYANIDE!?

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons.

A week later, the farmer was surveying his field. To his satisfaction, no watermelons were missing, but a sign next to his read, ?NOW THERE ARE TWO!?

 

A bear is chasing a rabbit through the woods when they trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out of the lamp and stops them both. He says, "I don't know who called me out so I'll give you each three wishes."

The bear and rabbit both start thinking about their wishes and the bear looks at the genie and says. "Start with my wish! I want all the bears in this forest, except me, to be Females."

The genie nods and says, "I can do that." and poof all the other bears in the forest are Females.

The rabbit says, "Me next! I want a motor scooter my size."

The genie says," Alright two more." and magics out a little white scooter.

The bear says, "If you can make all the bears in this forest female, can't you the the whole country, except for me?"

The genie says, "Yeah, I can do that." and with a nod every other bear in the country turns into a female.

The rabbit looks up and says, "I'd like a little rabbit helmet please."

"Sure!" the genie exclaims and opens his hand. with a little helmet in the middle.

The bear, getting excited says, "ALL the bears in the world except for me! can you make them ALL Female?"

"Alright, but that's your last wish." and every bear including polar bears and pandas magically turn into females.

The rabbit gets into his scooter, puts on his helmet and starts the engine. He looks at the genie and says, "I wish this bear was gay."

 

A man in need of some sexual gratification walks the streets of Vegas to find a prostitute. Coming across one late at night the man asks, "How much do you charge?"

"It starts at $500 for a hand job."

The man was totally blown away, and he got kind of pissed. "$500 dollars!? For a hand job!? Holy crap! No hand job is worth that kind of money!"

She then told him, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"

"Yes."

"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"

"Yes."

"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"

"Yes."

"Well," she said, smiling, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."

The man couldn't believe his ears. He gets sex quite often so why would he pay this much for a hand job? He thought about it and decided "What the hell! You only live once." so he gave it a try.

They went back to his room at The Venetian. Twenty minutes later he was sitting on the bed, realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of the five hundred he paid. He was so amazed, he asked, "I suppose a blow job is $1,000?"

"$1,500."

"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"

She said, "step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job that's worth every cent of $1,500."

The man, still sitting there in total disbelief over the hand job, said, "Sign me up, but let's go down and gamble a bit and then come up and go for round two."

They go down and play craps and he hits the casino for the cost of the BJ ? and some more. And three hours after the mind-blowing hand job, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it. Top BJ of his life ? better than any BJ he's ever gotten, so he asks: "How much for some pussy?"

The hooker said, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see the whole city of Las Vegas?laid out before us? All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?

The man readies himself for the number. He knows it's gonna be big, so huge he just wanted to know so he could laugh about it later.

"Well", the prostitute said, "If I had a pussy, I'd own it all."

 

A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.

"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.

Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie..."

"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road....."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.

Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie".

Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.

"Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, "How are you feeling?"

"Now what the hell would you say?"