Jokes and Funny Stories

haha thats funny!

I vote "Well, its better than being paid in gum!"

 

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*Content warning*
The following contains a double entendre and a mild cryptic reference, Americans tune out now!

What do you call an aging Poofter who can't score any more?

Out of date.

 

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So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day….

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, ‘Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?’

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say,

‘Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.

Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or stupid?’

So I replied, ‘I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am, I just couldn’t believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.’

My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
****
A priest and a rabbi show up at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, "Can I help you boys?"

"Well, yeah, we just died and we would like to come in to Heaven." Peter looks at his clipboard and says, "I don't think so. You have been pretty bad on Earth and we don't let people like that in here.

But I'll tell you what; go ahead and go to Hell, just for now. If Satan will let you come back, I will let you in."

Peter sends them away laughing, because Satan never lets anyone go to Heaven.

About 10 minutes later the preacher shows back up at the Pearly Gates.

Peter says, "No shit! Satan let you come back?" "Yeah, he was in a good mood and said for $20 bucks each we could get out of Hell."

"Well, where is that rabbi?" "I don't know, when I left he had Satan down to $19.95."
***

 

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Cautionary Tale

Old Humpty Dumpty sat on his bumpty,
Eating a Big Mac with fries.
All the Burger King's menus,
And all of his venues,
Were welcoming Humpty,
But he fell off his bumpty,
'Cause of his big tumpty,
And needed a hip replacement.

...

 

That poem got me an honorary badge from the local 'run for your life, it's a trans-fatty food outlet' organisation.
And a VIP seat at the next meeting!

Where I'll be sitting on my chuff.
Next to some cis-fatties.

Could it get any lamer?

 

A man doing market research knocks on a door. He is greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

"I'm doing some research for Vaseline," he says: "Have you ever used the product?"

"Yes," she replies: "My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?" he asks.

"We use it for sex," she replies.

The researcher is a little taken back. "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge," he says: "But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"

"I don't mind telling you at all," the woman says: "My husband and I put it on the door knob to keep the kids out."

 

A guy was stranded on a desert island with Heidi Klum. Initially, he played it cool, not making any moves on her for several weeks.

Finally, he asked her if they could start a physical relationship, so as to attend to each other’s needs. Heidi was game, and a very nice sexual relationship began.

After several months, the guy approached Heidi and said,“I have a problem…It’s kind of a guy thing, but I need to ask you a favor.” Heidi replied, “Okay,” to which he asked, “Can I borrow your eyebrow pencil?”

Heidi looked at him in confusion, but obliged.

The guy then asked, “Do you mind if I use the eyebrow pencil to draw a mustache on you?” Heidi was growing worried, but again obliged, so the guy drew a mustache on her.

Then the guy said, “Can you wear some of my clothes? I need for you to look more like a man.” Heidi was becoming disappointed at this point, but hesitantly put on his clothes.

Finally, the guy said to Heidi, “Do you mind if I call you Phil?” Heidi had now become very dejected, and said “No, I guess not, you can call me Phil.”

So, the guy reached out and grabbed Heidi by the arms and shouted “Phil, you won’t believe who I have been sleeping with!”

 

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

“Why are you eating grass?” he asked one man.

“We don’t have any money for food,” the poor man replied.

“Oh, well, you can come with me to my house,” instructed the lawyer.

“But, sir, I have a wife and two kids with me!”

“Bring them along!” said the lawyer. He turned to the other man and said, “You come with us, too.”

“But, Sir, I have a wife and six kids!” he answered.

“Bring them as well!” answered the lawyer, as he headed for his limo.

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine.Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it. You’ll love my place. The grass is almost a foot tall!”

 

I don't understand...

 

The point is...If you're having sex with someone famous, it only really counts, if you can tell someone..

In this story, he had no one else to tell...So, he had her dress up as another man, so he could tell someone he was sleeping with Heidi Klum.

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Lady to her male Dentist:

"I just hate to have you working in my mouth. I think I would rather have a baby!"

Dentist to Lady:

"Well make up your mind so I can correctly adjust the chair."

 

Gives new meaning to the term filling a cavity..

 

Read it slowly then you might.. it took me a time or 2 to bust out laughing..
You also have to think about a mans bragging mouth about who he has been sleeping with. lol

 

I used to think most of the people I know were a little schizophrenic.

These days, I'm in two minds about it.

 

I used to be really indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

 

People say I'm apathetic, but I don't care..

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Have you heard the latest about Norman Bates?

Apparently he said he was thinking about having another stab at running a Motel.

 

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

"Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."

"That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.

"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."

 

A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.

With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his penis in a vise.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.

The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're not going to......to....cut it off are you?!"

The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said, "Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."

 

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND…”

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy…”

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, “then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”