Jokes and Funny Stories

I have a medical allert dog that goes with me everywhere. One day I was on the bus when a woman got on with a little girl. The girl looked at the big fluffy Akita sitting at my feet and asked her mom "can I pet the puppy? " The mom took one look at the do not distracted patch on her vest and told her girl no. I gave the mom a look of appreciation and noticed she was playing an electronic sudoku game. After a couple of minutes of the girl repeating her question with intermediate whys I glanced at the womans game and noticed she was stuck. Trying to help I spotted a number that would help. " six at left center center. " the woman smiled and thanked me. She didn't seam to have any other problems with her game. Right before my stop the girl pulled on her mother's jacket with an exasperating sigh and said "mommy please why can't I pet the puppy? "The mother sighed and said "because the nice lady is blind and if you distract her dog she might get hurt. "

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

A two punch line oldie, from more than 50 years ago when clothes washer had a pair of rubber rollers, called “wringers” to put the washed clothes thru prior to hanging them on the line to dry:

Little Johnny, a Seventh Day Adventist, SDA, fell from his bike as he swerved to avoid hitting the SDA Reader (Their guy who attends the sick instead of doctor) and said:
“God dam it! – that hurt.”

Reader said: “It just chills me to hear you curse”

Johnny replies: If you had been at my house yesterday when mom got her tit caught in the wringers, you’d have froze.

Reader: Well is your mother OK now?
Johnny: She’s sick.
Reader: No, she is not sick, just not thinking clearly. She only thinks she is sick. I’ll stop by soon as I can.

----- A few weeks pass and Johnny meets the reader again who asks:

Reader: How is your mother now?
Johnny: Now she thinks she is dead.

Correction, by edit. As Fraggle noted in post 1445, it is the Christian Scientists, not the SDA, that don't use doctors. I confused them.

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.
He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'

'Three knots? he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?' She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in, and your knot getting your money back.

 

Log in or Sign up to hide all adverts.

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

Your right. I was confused. It is the Christian Scientist who don't believe in doctors.

 

Striptease Epic Fail!

Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image!

 

A man in a pub asks for a beer.

The barman says, “Sure, that’ll be one dollar.”

“One dollar?” exclaims the man. Reading the menu, he says, “Could I have steak and chips?”

“Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be two dollars.”

“Two dollars?” cries the man. “You’re joking. Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The barman says, “Upstairs, with my wife”.”

The man says, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

The barman says, “The same thing I’m doing to his business.”

 

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna’s heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, ‘Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you’re being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love… I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.’

Edna replied, ‘He didn’t hang himself, I put him there to dry..

How soon can I go home?

 

16 THINGS THAT IT TOOK ME 70 YEARS TO LEARN



1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.



2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings".



3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."



4. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.



5. You should not confuse your career with your life.



6. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.



7. Never lick a steak knife.



8. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.



9. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.



10. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests to that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.



11. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age 21.



12. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.



13. A person, who is nice to you, but rude to a waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)



14. Your friends love you anyway.



15. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

16. Thought for the day: Men are like fine wine. They start out as grapes, and it's up to the women to stomp the crap out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with.

 

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, “Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow.”

“Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be all right…I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.

She then asked him, “How does that feel?”

To which he replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.”

 

A man gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom.

He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting.

“What’s up?” he says.

“I’m having a heart attack,” cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone for ambulance, but just as he’s dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, “Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Fred is hiding in your closet and he’s got no clothes on!”

The man slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the wardrobe door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, covering on the closet floor.

“You bastard,” the man says,” my wife is having a heart attack and you’re running around naked scaring the kids!”

 

Haha! I just told that joke on another forum.

 

A husband wakes up at home with a huge hangover.

He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table.

"Honey, breakfast is on the table, I left early to go grocery shopping. Love You!"

Totally shocked with the note , he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. He asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

His son says, "Well, you came home around 3 AM, drunk and delirious.

Broke some crockery, puked in the hall, and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into the door".

Confused, the man asks, "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me? I should expect a big quarrel with her!"

His son replies, "Oh, that! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your clothes n shoes off, you said, "LADY LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M MARRIED!"

 

Peaches

A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.

He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and

asked, "Are they as firm as this?"He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off

asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye. Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and

asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.She asked , "Why on earth are you crying?"Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought

got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get fucked out of my peaches!"

 

There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store

 

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.



The winners are:




1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.



2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.



3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.



4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.



5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.



6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.



7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.



8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavoured mouthwash.



9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.



10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.



11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.



12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.



13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.



14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.



15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.



16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.



The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.



The winners are:



1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.



2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.



3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.



4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.



5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.



6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.



7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.



8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)



9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.



10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.



11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.



12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.



13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.



14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.



15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.



And the pick of the literature:



16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 

Epic! Particularly loved 'Ignoranus'!!

 

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.

The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".

The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!

 

Aaargh, I have massive DOMS in my obliques, and I hurt them worse laughing at this...Nice one.