# Jokes and Funny Stories

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Microzoft, Jan 21, 2003.

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1. ### iceauraValued Senior Member

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30,994
At the risk of deflating a good joke, I'm going to exapt and generalize the "dopeler effect" - that's a handy term for a frequently impinging concept heretofore lacking one. We seem to approach such issues via victim blaming (the ADHD explanation of the increasing freneticism of TV and film editing, say) only, without reference to the agenda of the perps.

3. ### christaFrankly, I don't give a dam!Valued Senior Member

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It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.

"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

5. ### christaFrankly, I don't give a dam!Valued Senior Member

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A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm.

At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you." The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man."

So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on." College guy "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine."

Farmer "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready." College guy "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape."

Farmer says, "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?" College guy "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action.

What should I wear to this party?" Farmer says, "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."

7. ### cosmictravelerBe kind to yourself always.Valued Senior Member

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33,264
> Woman has Man in it;
> Mrs. has Mr. in it;
> Female has Male in it;
> She has He in it;
> Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now...
> I never looked at it this way before:
> MENtal illness
> MENstrual cramps
> MENtal breakdown
> MENopause
> GUYnecologist
> AND
> When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.

8. ### NMSquirrelOCD ADHD THC IMO UR12Valued Senior Member

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5,478
send that one to my phone..LOL

9. ### cosmictravelerBe kind to yourself always.Valued Senior Member

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33,264
He said to me . ... . I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it.
I said to him .... . . You wear pants don't you?

He said to me ... . ......... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said .. That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and fart

He said to me. ... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him . ..... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me. ..... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him ... . They don't have time.

He said to me. . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him .. .. I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me. . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
I said to him . . . They already have boyfriends.

He said..What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said. . . A widow.

He said to me.... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him .. . .. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

10. ### christaFrankly, I don't give a dam!Valued Senior Member

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Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal. A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?". Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

11. ### christaFrankly, I don't give a dam!Valued Senior Member

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1,905
A woman and a man are involved in a car accident; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely!"

"This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man, The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."

12. ### visceral_instinctMonkey see, monkey denigrateValued Senior Member

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7,913
^ I don't understand Christa...

13. ### cosmictravelerBe kind to yourself always.Valued Senior Member

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She wants him to be found guilty of drunk driving so he would be responsible for the accident not her.

14. ### NMSquirrelOCD ADHD THC IMO UR12Valued Senior Member

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5,478
thats ok..i don't understand her either and i'm her dad..

15. ### cosmictravelerBe kind to yourself always.Valued Senior Member

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33,264
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!" 16. ### cosmictravelerBe kind to yourself always.Valued Senior Member Messages: 33,264 Met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish "I want to live forever," I said. "Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!" "Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress get their heads out of their asses!" "You crafty bastard," said the fairy. There are two statues in a park: one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left; would you care to do it again?" He asks her, "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's, but let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head." 17. ### cosmictravelerBe kind to yourself always.Valued Senior Member Messages: 33,264 The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.' I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?' The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.' Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.' The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet..' Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.' Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous. 'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.' The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again. Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands. 'Are you okay?' the auditor asks. 'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!' I keep telling you! Don't Mess with Old People!! 18. ### Anti-FlagPun intendedRegistered Senior Member Messages: 3,714 A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mum, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense," So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit." 19. ### thechunkRegistered Member Messages: 11 My first time on this forum so thought I would throw a few jokes in :roflmao: A businessman is working away from home in London. One night he's feeling a bit lonely and he's missing his wife so he pops into a phone box to give her a call and finds a business card offering 'female companionship'. He takes the card back to his hotel room and decides to call the number. A soft sultry female voice answers and asks "How may I be of assistance Sir?". Not being able to hold back on his pent up desires he replies "First I'd like a blow job, followed by a long doggy style shag and finally a good soapy tit wank in the bath. Is that OK?" The voice replies "Sounds very interesting Sir but you might like to dial a 9 for an outside line first!!" A chicken crossed the road and met James Bond, 'What's your name?' asked the chicken, 'Bond, James Bond. Whats yours?', 'Ken, Chick Ken.' Sean Connery's agent calls him up and says: "Sean, I've got you an audition tomorrow morning about 10ish" To which Sean replies "Tennish? I don't even have a racquet" blonde woman and a redhead woman are walking past a florist.the redhead say's to the blonde "I hate it when my boyfriend buy's me flower's,I have to spend the next three day's lying on my back with my legs in the air". the blonde replies "why, haven't you got a vase?" A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the husband said "i bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time." The wife replies "your cock is bigger than your brothers". Dove have invented a new 'intimate' wash soap for women. Its made of marijuana,anti perspirant and kentucky fried chicken. It leaves their pussy high,dry and finger licking good. A man says to his wife get ready, me you and the dog are going fishing, wife says I dont want to go, the man gives her 3 choices; fishing, blow job or take it up the arse the wife picks blow job, after sucking for a while she says this tastes like shit! The man says i know the dog didnt want to go fishing either!!!! 20. ### Anti-FlagPun intendedRegistered Senior Member Messages: 3,714 One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool. “What’s wrong with you?” said the priest. “Well,” said the frog, “the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn’t always a frog.” “Really!” said the priest. “Can you explain!” “Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. ‘Let me pass!’ I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you.” “That’s an incredible story” said the priest. “Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?.” “Yes” said the frog, “It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food and warmth and with a good nights sleep I would wake up a boy once again.” “Today’s your lucky day!” said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old choirboy beside him in bed. “And that my lord is the case for the Defense.......” 21. ### ULTRARealistically SurrealRegistered Senior Member Messages: 1,555 How do you know when you're playing poker with a gay man? Well, queens are wild, and straights don't count! 22. ### cosmictravelerBe kind to yourself always.Valued Senior Member Messages: 33,264 The Swedish Virgin > | > | > | Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota, > | > | Takes a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. > | > | Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. > | > | > | As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. > | > | He said 'How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek > | > | and my fiancé, Lena, is still a Virgin—in every vay.' > | > | > | The doctor told him, 'Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in > | > | a splint to let it heal, and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, > | > | but leave it in there as long as you can. > | > | | > | He took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4 sided splint, and taped it all together...quite an impressive work of art. > | > | > | Olaf mentions none of this to Lena, marries her, > | > | and they go on their honeymoon to Duluth . > | > | > | That night in the Motel 6, Lena rips open her blouse to > | > | reveal her beautiful, untouched breasts. She said, 'Olaf... > | > | you' re the first vun! No vun has EVER seen deez.' > | > | > | Olaf immediately drops his pants and replies, > | > | 'Look at dis Lena, ..still in DA CRATE! 23. ### cosmictravelerBe kind to yourself always.Valued Senior Member Messages: 33,264 Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing. He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?" The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is$500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is a very expensive faucet.

It's certainly out of my price bracket."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled.

"Ma'am, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back,

"No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!