My Brain is soo messed up My Doctor has put me on 6 months stress leave

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by RainbowSingularity, Dec 1, 2021.

  1. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    what hobbys should i start ?

    considering im broke & in debt so it cant cost actual money

    conversation thread
    comments jokes & funny storys welcome
    Ethernos D Grace likes this.
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  3. James R Just this guy, you know? Staff Member

    Sorry to hear that, RainbowSingularity. In what way is your brain messed up? You sound like you want to talk about it. (?)
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  5. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    imagine a complex wind up Swiss watch with many moving parts
    & someone deliberately throwing sticks into its gears while deliberately over winding other gears
    to create a incorrect time & date display

    its kinda like that

    but if i give any more detail i am handing free ammunition those firing at me
    because they will be reading this

    general anxiety to a dysfunctional high capacity mental capability

    like me asking you to juggle knifes & then me running up & kicking you in the leg as your doing it
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  7. C C Consular Corps - "the backbone of diplomacy" Valued Senior Member

    Invent a new expertise that only you are a maven in.

    Begin with one on one mentoring in your residence or that of the novice.

    When there are sufficient acolytes and income from the instructional service, rent workshop space for goal-oriented meetings or refurbish an outbuilding for that purpose. As prelude to establishing a training school or a functional facility for carrying out the practice/movement itself, or both.

    In short, give them a reason to spy on you. Scrutiny from above may be the bane of the corrupt magnate, but attention is a boon for the upstart whippersnapper.

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    Eugene Methvin: In the late 1940s, pulp writer L. Ron Hubbard declared, "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion."
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2021
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  8. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    i have begun to have sudden short term memory loss & disorientation & sudden intense anger rage
    with a desire to smash inanimate object.

    im not on any medication at the moment

    but doctor has prescribed some which will make short term memory worse

    only next question is if i will start SSRI's or some type of psychoactive type drugs
    not sure
    that may make it suddenly considerably worse

    i phased myself out of PTSD some years back using my own study & my own drugs(black market purchase combined with some prescription drugs which i had turned into a tool kit) & special diet
    with cognitive behavioral therapy
    it cost me tens of thousands of dollars of my savings money but worked
    i was broke but in a good place performing at an optimal level range
    [now being dead broke i do not have access to any of those drugs legal or illegal]

    now everything is considerably worse
    no income
    debts mounting
    mind going

    possibly about to be made homeless in a few months with no warning.

    i like your suggestion
    but i will not have the resources which will probably be pulled at no notice any time in the next few months
    as i face possible bankruptcy

    feels like im being dosed with LSD

    i dont take recreational drugs & have not for over 10 years
    never had flash backs
    have been having emotional flash backs just in the last 3 or 4 weeks
    & other things ...
    i have had recurring massive bacterial infection from unknown source for 12 months & im a fanatical hand washer clean freak when it comes to food & hand to mouth stuff.

    been professionally assessed by one of the best occupational psychologists
    (including the countrys leading panel who make big decisions) in the country &

    they said i might possibly have a tiny bit of ocd but no signs at all of anything else spent some sessions with one of the top psychiatrists they were fairly happy with me

    hopefully its just stress & will go away VERY soon
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2021
  9. Jeeves Valued Senior Member

    I'm serious. There is no cost; you learn a lot; you're entertained and cheered.
    It doesn't have to be babies - it can be cats or crows or old men on part benches.
    (Of course, if you live in a cold climate, all of this has to be done remotely in the next few months. But that's okay, you can look at documentaries.)

    That can be harnessed. If you have no impulses toward self-harm, you can take up mosaics. Let yourself smash a couple of discarded glass or ceramic containers - which should yield a temporary relief of pent-up rage. Save the pieces and assemble them in a work of art that illustrates your feelings on that day. Boards from demolished buildings can usually be had free and wall-taping compound at the building supply is a lot cheaper than plaster of Paris. Of course, you can't accumulate these works of spontaneous art (too heavy); just take a photo and then give them away or leave them behind, or even make a private ceremony of their disposal.
    For that matter, inventing a ritual of some kind - around an event or object or act that has meaning for you - is probably therapeutic: it helps to focus and channel emotion in one place, rather than scattered all over where you can't manage it.

    When I was having a hard time in my life, I mostly just walked. Aimlessly, anywhere - but after I nearly walked under a speeding fire-truck, I resolved to confine my walks to residential neighbourhoods. The woods, of course, are best.
    Last edited: Dec 3, 2021
  10. Jeeves Valued Senior Member

    park benches, not part benches
    because that would look silly
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  11. C C Consular Corps - "the backbone of diplomacy" Valued Senior Member

    Indeed, difficult to control those impulses if a "no prior signs as warning" of an impending memory loss and disorientation event applies. The latter disrupts the very identity that apprehension "of what's going on" and its disciplinary remedial responses depends upon. Also, a vicious circle where the cognitive deprivation is probably what's triggering a bewilderment-based fury to begin with.

    If not for that, one could retreat to releasing the passion to "break things" in the imagination (cultivate a richly detailed refuge of daydreaming). Though those suffering from aphantasia would be obstructed in that regard, too.

    Best wishes that it works out that way. If only group will-power could magically make good things happen for a fellow member across the distance.
    RainbowSingularity likes this.
  12. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    after a bit of a breakthrough which also triggered sudden rage
    was me being exposed to micro aggression of territorial statements by someone in the house
    the couple i live with are a bit old worldy & territorial
    her kitchen
    his tools for outdoors
    her car
    his car
    right down to rooms in the house
    the male has been exposing me to micro aggression to validate superiority & territorial boundary's inside normal interactive process
    & the female has been soft subtle constant re organization to assert territorial control
    so i am pushed into a corner with no space to myself
    they deliberately go out of their way to do things to antagonize me & disturb me then pretend to not be doing anything & then offer to be helpful wit something they know i dont need help with or make small talk etc(like living in a psyche ward[which i had been doing ok for a couple of years up until very recently])
    no right to any space
    & that space looked not sanctified in their minds
    it still remains as their space i am using which they prefer not to be happening.
    toxic subtle forces
    (they are old & stuck in their ways i think they are a bit delusional & fancy themselves as inspector cluso types)
    my suspicion is the rage i have been feeling is a from of delayed shock & delayed trauma
    attempting to remove the abuser as a critical need for survival.
    2 years of that through covid with no friend to talk to & unwind
    takes a toll

    i notice i get delayed shock from bloody near fatal car accident like situations
    (ive attended as a civilian at many road accidents over the years, shit-magnet is one expression)

    like an emotional buffer
    lack of sleep messes with it
    plus domestic stress
    work stress
    money stress
    health stress

    ive got all of those combined
    & parents who are on the border of going a bit senile & moving to a retirement home
    they are staunchly independent liberal conservatives so its quite a bit of stress for hem to do something they do not want to do
    but must

    old memory's new memory's
    needing to throw out things they treasure
    complex mixed salad of emotions
    & im soaking in it all of it

    ive never had sudden rage before except when being attacked
    & only in the last 4 months or soo

    i am very familiar with intense hate & the visceral desire to want to bloodily torture someone to death
    or just kill someone.
    im very familiar with those feelings
    & it was nothing like that at all
    it had no human orientated hate inside it

    i feel like i have been in the presence 24/7 of a sadistic psychopath for the last 2 weeks.

    things suddenly quietened down yesterday
    but things remain
    so im seeking the most advanced psychiatric advice i can find(which i decided to do about 4 or 5 days ago when it was considerably worse)
    & starting to test different drugs

    hair style of the day
    (seems ok)

    back in the day
    the mullet
    cross between long hair at the back & a GI joe buzz cut
    like a modern mash up of art & culture
    very picasso-esque

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    Last edited: Dec 8, 2021
  13. Luchito Registered Senior Member

    Hard Times.

    I think you can start listening new music, a different group that you don't know. Clean up the most you can of everything you really don't need or will be missed, like if you were to move for good and leave what is not wanted at all.

    Avoid online games and rather do different activities, like planting anything and keep it. Read about what the plant needs and take care of it.

    Maintain your will always positive, and if any new problem is reaching you, reject it saying to it: Hell!

    Of course saying it won't solve the problem but will help you to take it with courage, not so as something more that has been added and causes more pain to what have put you down already.

    Your writing style shows that in your inside you are a strong person and you must take advance of that, you seem to find resources but apparenlty for some reason you don't use your 100% and make them work in your favor.

    Accept the ways of the man and his wife who live in that house with you, stop looking at their errors and ugly personality, and convince yourself that you can make peace with them. Clean up the living room, help them sometimes doing something for the house.

    If you think things are getting worst, then play the therapy of the nuts person. Go to a mall and say hi to everybody you see around, smile and walk looking at the stores and see all those things they sell but you don't need.

    Your brain needs of new things in your life, and you keeping the bad memories will destroy you slowly but surely.

    The life we live is one only, and even if it is short or long, you must learn to find joy. By experience I can tell is not an easy task, but that it can be done, yes... it can be done. The others around you won't change and will continue in their misery, but you can do much better, and you better show to yourself how smart you are to overcome the stress that keeps you prisoner of fate.
    RainbowSingularity likes this.
  14. orcot Valued Senior Member

    cooking helps me relax.
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  15. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    cooking is fabulous

    i don't have a kitchen i can use for more than about 10 minutes without being railroaded interfered with or guilt tripped by someone with OCD every 15 to 20 minutes

    now on anti psychotics & anti depressants & anti anxiety drugs

    cooking is fabulous

    but not if it opens me up to have my happy space fucked with.
    Last edited: Dec 23, 2021
  16. Beer w/Straw Transcendental Ignorance! Valued Senior Member

    Sleeping pills.

    Assuming you're not getting enough.
  17. Bells Staff Member

    No. Please don't advise people to take medications.

    Drawing - pencil/pen and paper or even using your computer.

    I personally paint, garden and grow indoor plants to unwind, clear my head and give myself some mental space.

    The cheapest is actually indoor plants - believe it or not. Use coco coir brick /coco peat brick - cost a couple of dollars for a brick at the local Bunnings hardware store, put it in a bucket with like 4L of water and it expands and becomes potting soil - I also buy a bag of worm castings that's a bit costly, but if you can't afford it, just ask friend or family for any slow release fertiliser they might have handy or if you have some spare cash, you can buy any plant fertiliser for less than $6. Get some indoor plant cuttings from friends and family. Pots are less than $1 at the local hardware store - for plastic, about $3 or so for terracotta depending on the size. Or look at donated plants. Alternatively, old plastic take-away containers and drill some holes at the bottom and use some saucers underneath (from second hand store or any you have lying about that you aren't using). And have a couple in front of a window where they can get some natural filtered light or bright light in your room. Look at facebook or other online market places (Australia has a site called Gumtree) where people often give away plants and pots for free if you are able to get there to pick it up.. If your parents are moving into a retirement village or home, see if they have any pot plants that you can take and fertiliser, etc, they might have lying around. I personally use one that I buy for $6 in the local Bunnings Hardware that I use for months as it's concentrated, and I use like a teaspoon of it in 9L of water. It's been the best one. If you can't afford that, use fresh leaves that are on the ground outside, they break down and add nutrients to the soil. Give it a quick wash first in a bucket to remove any impurities.

    You can also grow vegetables in your room or herbs, etc, using above method - using vegetables you buy from the supermarket to eat.. There are youtube videos on how to do this - same with tomato, celery, etc.. I have friends who collect seeds when they go for walks or from what they eat and grow them.. they germinate them on moist kitchen paper in a plastic container and then pot them up in coco coir/coco peat.. In their rooms. It's fantastic. If you're into growing things, it's quite doable on virtually nothing.

    Alternatively, walks or take up jogging, for example. Costs nothing but time. If there's a good beach nearby, swim when it's warm enough. Instead of cooking, experiment with no cook foods like salads if you like cooking.

    If you have an interest in something, you can join discussion boards on discord, for example, usually free, and you can talk about it.

    Online free to play video games if you want to pass the time or immerse yourself in something to de-stress.


    Start a blog, the websites are usually free, where you can write about things that interest you or about anything in particular.

    You can take up sewing. If your parents are going into a retirement home, they may be getting rid of sheets, clothes, etc and sewing stuff. Take it if it's something that interests you. Same with knitting. Teach yourself if your mother or father have any knitting stuff they are getting rid of.

    Take up fishing - check parents, family and friends, facebook marketplace or online market places for people who may be giving away fishing gear for free. You can catch bait easily in any fresh water spot nearby if there are reeds (eg fresh water shrimps and whatnot) or use some raw meat or fish if you have any at home that you use to cook with. You can catch and release.

    You can also learn a foreign language - lots of free sites online to do this.

    You can also learn sign language if you don't know it already.

    Join the local library and read - fiction or non-fiction.
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  18. Beer w/Straw Transcendental Ignorance! Valued Senior Member


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  19. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    what a fabulous post
    thank you bells
    hit some triggers as i read, which was good indicators of things i like & where i have something to resolve to be able to get back into them.
    mixed salad of emotions from thinking about them
    which is exactly what need to tidy up to deliver what i need.

    knowing how easily people can accidentally take the wrong thing & mix things up
    caution is always best & always only following registered doctors professional considered advice

    i am quite lucky
    i have around 4 doctors who are also specialists in different fields who i can ask for free off the record advice about something
    which i can then go & talk to my own Doctor about to see if its sensible or testable for me personally knowing what they know about me as a patient of some 25 years or so

    i trust them all with my life

    i am on a raft of different medications
    & i have had a sleeping problem for my entire life through one way or another
    now i have a brain functionally set sleep disorder & unless im being dosed with near anesthetic level drugs can not sleep for longer than around 90 minutes
    then im mostly awake for another 18 hours or soo with only being able to nap briefly
    i need meds to change that

    so it is a life risk chronic condition
    which must be carefully managed forever

    i have also tried many different combinations of meds to get better sleep

    sleeping drugs are notoriously dangerous because people dont know their own tolerances & forget the other drugs they may be taking at the same time

    AND because they are addictive to mood as a sedative they have an anti anxiety effect which is addictive
    & when you develop an addiction & have a dependence on sedatives
    your always at EXTREMELY high risk of having your breathing just stop for a few minutes when your out cold
    respiratory arrest
    or heart muscles get confused & stop beating or beat too little or in conflict with other muscles

    i don't like marijuana
    ive smoked thousands of dollars worth of it over the years
    my body & brain now say that's enough no more ever

    i was suicidal a few weeks ago & had mentally roughly drawn up a date to kill myself & was considering different methods
    luckily my financial situation is not as bad as it was
    so things have changed a little
    mentally things are getting a little better on all the different drugs im on

    obviously i have not told anyone i was suicidal

    can work safely & well for many people
    but not for me
    my body & brain have rejected it from years of use

    Last edited: Dec 24, 2021
  20. Michael 345 New year. PRESENT is 72 years oldl Valued Senior Member

    Not sure if classified as hobby but meet ladies in chat room, started in Yahoo chat, now lost contact with most of those ladies, have 1 remaining, and follow through with a holiday together in Bali

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    Current chat in WhatsApp. Draw back with WhatsApp you need to have the person's phone number first. No free roaming chat room in WhatsApp

    Currently in regular contact with about 5. Length of time known range - from over 15 years to about 2 years

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    Last edited: Dec 24, 2021
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  21. Bells Staff Member

    It's very hard to find hobby's that one likes out of the blue. It's basically a thing of trial and error. My hobbies soothe my brain, for lack of a better term. They are things that I can immerse myself in and not think while doing it.. They allow me to relax, unwind and shut out the world because I'm too busy focusing on what I am doing. I personally garden (indoor and outdoor), because I love to watch things grow. A lot of which is from seed to table. I love growing our own food. And indoors, I just love plants. I love the process of growing them. I don't buy adult plants, but mostly seedlings and they are all huge now. My kids complain that I've turned the house into a jungle, but we all love the peace it brings and the green. I make jewellery, and work with copper - soldering with a giant torch, hammering, etc, because I love that process as well, of taking raw materials and shaping it.. Plus there is nothing more cathartic than taking a hammer and hammering the utter crap out of something and then pairing it with something like recycled glass beads that are fair trade. For example:

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    I tend to do this when I am feeling particularly stressed.

    These are the things that helped me through these past few years that were particularly harsh me on mentally and physically.

    Some are expensive hobbies. Some will cost you nothing but time and effort.

    You just need to find something that works for you that you are comfortable doing and most importantly, that brings you a sense of peace and comfort. Because that's the main thing.
    RainbowSingularity likes this.
  22. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

    my rehabilitation regime for my last mental break down was very expensive
    it involved me spending lots of money on socializing
    i was earning about $300 per week but spending more than that on just rent by its self
    i was caught between not having enough income to get a mortgage & not having enough money to get interest return to balance my spending.
    mistake made lesson learnt

    bit of bad luck bit of good luck mixed together.
    incessant negativity is a big mental strain
    i have it at home & had it at work with no social life
    so its a recipe for going off a cliff
    & the cliff found me eventually
    stalking me
    being maneuvered by a few people trying to steer me off it
    that is when i reached out privately to mental health experts because i knew what the outcome was going to be it was just a question of time.
    the meds are helping A LOT !

    sleep deprivation was the primary issue driving me past breaking point
    the incessant negativity at home wont ever change until i move & the at work stuff has been settled.

    some people like to moan & winge about things constantly
    that's their normal
    but when they inject that into your personal head space & then aggravate your sleeping
    on top of financial collapse... & possibly being made homeless with little to no notice.
    well ...
    as you can imagine

    im treading water looking for an angle to get a purchase on so i can swing out of the situation into my own place
    income is the primary issue
    which is a little ironic because i have always been free to give it away to others.
    but now i need it & there is nothing & no one to give it back except family
    which im lucky to have
    a double edged sword

    what i realize now is
    that even though i was in a bad situation when i left my 2nd to last job
    i would have been better off going it alone
    instead i got tangled up in family drama & became the center piece & excuse to their issues
    being helped but while also being helped backwards
    like trying to clutch a handful of sand
    & when your radar gets twisted, its hard to make sound judgement calls when opportunity appear, they look like contrived risks.

    slow to learn & to learn the hard way

    being financially trapped living with aging people one with a heart condition & ocd
    the other with control & material ownership baggage
    i dont have any personal head space that is out of bounds to them
    its either someone elses physical space, or someone elses head space
    they battle between each other & im left dodging in between the shadows trying to hold my sanity together.

    your kind words & suggestions & sharing is greatly appreciated.
    Last edited: Dec 24, 2021
  23. Bells Staff Member

    The best advice I can give you is to tackle each issue on its own. As in, focus on one thing at a time. Otherwise everything just becomes overwhelming. I understand where you are coming from and it isn't easy. What I found helpful for me was to focus on each issue at a time. Baby steps, essentially.. One step at a time. Rest accordingly along the way.

    Don't beat yourself up if something doesn't go as planned or there's a setback. Sometimes you have to go backwards, to gain the momentum to move forwards..

    Just take it easy on yourself.
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