Pikadon Please Register or Log in to view the hidden image! It probably wouldn't hurt so much if we weren't so damned anxious and determined to do it again. I would very much like to believe it as a difficult decision to do this thing, but it was not. Nor will it be when we do it again. I knew it would be strange touring sacred ground with a bunch of atheists, but I had a moment, the other day, when I found myself declaring to my own mother that the reason I don't hate white people is because they are my family, full stop. Being here, right now, is kind of like the moment I had the other day at Tōdai-ji, when all my traveling companions could say was stuff like, "Wow, it's big." Or, "Oooh, look at that". Or, "Pretty impressive, eh?" Which kind of misses the point. I think. I mean, why do atheists want to spend that much money traveling to Japan in order to tour sacred spaces? Never mind. Beside the point. Sort of. I took a few minutes tonight, on my own, just trying to get over it. I'm an American; it shouldn't feel this way. Yet it's also true that I have bled for the Japanese because that's how it goes. That half of me is defining because of white supremacism. Which, in turn, shouldn't mean a lot in 2017. But it does, because here I am, and a whole bunch of this has been weird because the whole point, apparently, has been to be impressed by the funny stuff that these funny people do, and isn't that funny? Then again, I was thirty-six when I finally learned who Tsutomu Yamaguchi was. Yeah, that's what it's like growing up in "America". You can hit us with two atomic bombs, and still fail to kill us. Whatever. In the face of irreverence, I took a few minutes for reverence. And one thing that I just can't shake is the point of how badly so many Americans want to nuke something. And to some degree I wish I could say I hope it's their own damn houses, but that's the point: Never again, because it never should have happened in the first place. And maybe this place I was never supposed to be wouldn't hurt so goddamn much if I didn't know how much Americans are just itching to do it again.