Relationship Advice

Discussion in 'Free Thoughts' started by Escaped Goat, Sep 21, 2009.

  1. Escaped Goat Registered User and Abuser Registered Senior Member

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    125
    Any advice is appreciated.

    I have been dating a girl for roughly 4+ years. We met in college and have lived together since graduation (2+ years). I just bought a house, and we are currently living together as well.

    For the first two years of our relationship, she was very..."intimate." It was almost a nightly thing. Since we've started living together, however (2+ years ago), we have been "intimate" a total of three times.

    Every few months I'll mention this to her, and I've heard every excuse. She is still in school and says it's stressful, she says she now has low libido, etc. She always says she is sorry and that things will change, so I wait a few months, nothing changes, I mention things again, etc.

    I know (or am very certain, at least) that she is not cheating on me. She says that she wants to have sex but wants to wait until marriage, which I totally understand. However, judging by the past few years, she is definitely not going to want to have sex after we are engaged/married.

    I want to be with her, but don't want to be in a relationship that involves zero intimacy. She keeps talking about marriage and when I'm going to ask, but I honestly don't know if I should. Also, since she has refrained from wanting to be intimate for so long, having sex with her seems like it would be strange at the moment.

    What do you guys think is going on? Any advice?
     
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  3. cluelusshusbund + Public Dilemma + Valued Senior Member

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    Souns like the las 2 years has been mor like brother an sister than boyfrind girlfrind... no wonder the idea of havin "ses" wit her seems kinda weird.!!!

    Seek professonal help an get this resolved 1 way or the other befor you get married an prolly save you'rself som haart-ake.!!!
     
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  5. jpappl Valued Senior Member

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    There is obviously something wrong that you are not being told. She seemed to have no problem until you moved in together.

    Sounds like she is trying to make you marry her before she is "intimate" with you again which is bull.

    If she doesn't want to be intimate with you until you get married after being so intimate with you for 2+ years then tell her to move out while you decide what you want to do.

    While she is moved out see if things change between you two. She might be playing this game to get you to commit, she will either change her tune and realize that you need to be sure of the commitment your making or she herself will move on to find a guy that wants to get married.

    In the mean time, you might find that you have moved on as well.

    If this was the plan from the start with her, in other words, from the beginning if she said no sex before marriage then I would say yes you did this to yourself. But she completely changed the rules and this might be coming from a relative like her mother or someone, confusing her and meddling in her business.

    Either way it's not fair. She needs to decide whether she wants to be with you or not.

    No more games.

    Exactly, why should you take that risk, I say don't. If that happens you'll be misreable.
     
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  7. Escaped Goat Registered User and Abuser Registered Senior Member

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    ^ Thanks, that advice seems sound.

    And to clear something up, we've never had sex. I've always known that she wants to wait, and we have. However, she used to be down for doing whatever else. All that has stopped.
     
  8. shorty_37 Go! Canada Go! Registered Senior Member

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    Strange considering she is a young girl. Usually you don't belong to the once a month club until you get married and have kids.

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    I find it REALLY STRANGE that you have had sex 3 times in over 2 yrs?

    If she had sex with you regularly before and you weren't married I don't see the issue about waiting now. It makes no sense.

    How are you dealing with it? There is no way my B/F could have sex once a yr he would be one grumpy SOB.
     
  9. shorty_37 Go! Canada Go! Registered Senior Member

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    Huh? What do you mean by intimate then? How far did things go?
     
  10. Escaped Goat Registered User and Abuser Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    125
    ^ I was trying not to be too blatant.

    For one thing, she used to give me nightly oral. This changed to 3 times the past 2+ years. I can recall the exact dates.

    She used to want it nightly as well. The last time this happened was October 17, 2007.
     
  11. jpappl Valued Senior Member

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    Isn't oral sex, sex ?

    Ok, well this changes my approach very slightly. You have agreed to no intercourse before marriage. Is she a virgin ? maybe that is why she is having problems, wants to get married so she can lose that.

    Unless you think you can honestly work out the issues together without any help, and you still want to make it work. Seek a counselor who can ask the right questions of both of you.

    Very important not to give in with out taking something. This is about both of your happiness, you should be doing whatever it takes to make her happy and she should be doing the same.

    Some women, girls use sex as a weapon to make guys do things. But getting married when your not ready and ruining your life because she won't share is not worth it.

    Make sure she is in board with your needs before moving on.

    Good luck.
     
  12. nietzschefan Thread Killer Valued Senior Member

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    That sounds so fucked up, I don't even believe it.

    If it is true, dump her ass and let her get together with a guy who has raisins for testes.
     
  13. Escaped Goat Registered User and Abuser Registered Senior Member

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    ^ I think that's something that I needed to hear.
     
  14. Crunchy Cat F-in' *meow* baby!!! Valued Senior Member

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    It's time to give her the "lets be friends" speech.
     
  15. darksidZz Valued Senior Member

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    I would help but I'm in a miserable state right now ha!
     
  16. Escaped Goat Registered User and Abuser Registered Senior Member

    Messages:
    125
    ^ Well, please come back when you can!

    Thanks for everything so far, I'm beginning to form somewhat of a conclusion.
     
  17. jessiej920 Shake them dice and roll 'em Valued Senior Member

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    1,678

    Is your gf really religious or raised by a strict, religious family?

    I have a close friend who was and sometimes she would date guys for a period of time and mess around with them, even sleep with them, and then all of a sudden have these debilitating attacks of guilt and then refuse to even do anything with them anymore, claiming she didn't feel right and wanted to wait for marriage.

    I would say that this might be something your gf is going through, but I have to say that it's a big sign that she doesn't know who she is or what she wants and it's totally not fair for you to keep having to put up with her bullshit. How can you live together, but not be intimate or sexual?? Its doesn't make any sense, especially from a religious aspect.

    I say it's time to either commit or move on. If she wants marriage and you think that is what you want as well, then go for it, but I would see a couples counselor before doing so. If you don't want to marry her, cut your ties and losses and leave her.

    Something about this whole situation is just all together fucked up and it's time for you to figure out what is going on so you can make decisions about what is best for you.
     
  18. Orleander OH JOY!!!! Valued Senior Member

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    25,817
    good advice :bravo:
     
  19. Cowboy My Aim Is True Valued Senior Member

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    Not if you're Bill Clinton.
     
  20. jpappl Valued Senior Member

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    I think that we pretty much learned that it was because of him. LOL.
     
  21. shorty_37 Go! Canada Go! Registered Senior Member

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    My concern with this is, what if sex is horrible. What if you get married and finally have sex and there just isn't that spark that there should be.
     
  22. tuberculatious Banned Banned

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    987
    Even I have more sex than that and I am a married accountant.
     
  23. Anti-Flag Pun intended Registered Senior Member

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    3,714
    From a guys point of view, there's no such thing as horrible sex.
    Besides, nobody is good at sex at first. It takes practice and learning. :shrug:
     

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