The Most Offensive Jokes Ever!!!

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it. I untied her, and then we had sex over and over again, all the positions, everything.

His friend replies, "That's great: did you get a blow job?"

Oh, no: I never found her head.

 

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nice

*** MAN RULES ***

1. OPENING JARS - She's struggling. You take it from her hands, open it effortlessly and pretend she loosened it for you. She didn't. Jars are men's work.

2. CALLING SOMEONE 'SON' - Especially policeman but even saying it to kids makes you the man.

3. DOING A PROPER SLIDE TACKLE - Beckham free kicks - camp. A Stuart Pearce tackle is the pinnacle of the game, simultaneously winning the ball and crippling the man. Magic.

4. SHARPENING A PENCIL WITH A STANLEY KNIFE - Blunt, is it? Hand it here love. No, I don't need a sharpener, I've got a knife thanks!

5. GOING TO THE TIP - A manly act which combines driving, lifting and - as you thrillingly drop your rubbish into another huge pile of other rubbish - noisy destruction.

6. DRINKING UP - Specifically, rising from the table, slinging your coat on and downing two thirds of a pint in one fluid movement. Then nodding towards the door, saying, "Let's go" and striding out while everyone else struggles to catch up with you. You're hard.

7. HAVING A THIN BIT OF WOOD - in the shed, solely to stir paint with.

8. HAVING A SCAR - Ideally it'll be a facial knife wound, but even an iron burn on the wrist is good. "Ooh, did it hurt". "Nah".

9. HAVING A HANGOVER AND THICK STUBBLE - When birds have been partying they just whinge. You on the other hand have physical evidence of your hardness, sprouting from your face. "Big night?" Grr, what does it look like.

10. USING POWER TOOLS - Slightly more powerful than you need or can safely handle. Pneumatic drilling while smoking a fag? Superb.

11. ARRIVING IN A PUB LATE - And everyone cheers you. It doesn't mean you're popular, it just means your mates are drunk However, the rest of the pub doesn't know that.

12. NOT WATCHING YOUR WEIGHT - Fat is a feminist issue, apparently. Brilliant. Pass the pork scratchings.

13. CARVING THE ROAST - And saying "are you a leg or breast man?" to the blokes and "do you want stuffing?" to the women. Congratulations, you are now your dad.

14. WINKING - Turns women to putty. Doesn't it?

15. TEST SWINGING HAMMERS - Ideally, B&Q would have little changing rooms with mirrors so you could see how rugged you look with any DIY item. Until then, we'll make do with the aisles.

16. TAKING OUT 200 POUNDS FROM A CASHPOINT - Okay, so its for paying the plumber later but with that much cash you feel like a mafia don. The only thing better is peeling notes off the roll later.

17. PHONE CALLS THAT LAST LESS THAN A MINUTE - Unlike birds, we get straight to the point. "Alright? Yep. Drink? Red lion? George, it is then. Seven. See ya."

18. PARALLEL PARKING - Bosh, straight in. First time. Can Schumacher do that? No, because his cars got no reverse gear which, technically, makes you the worlds best driver.

19. HAVING EARNED THAT PINT - Since the dawn of time, men have toiled in the fields in blistering heat. Why? So, when it's over we can stand there in silence, surveying our work with one hand resting on the beer gut while the other nurses a foaming jug of ale. Aaaah.

20. HAVING SOMETHING PROPERLY WRONG WITH YOU - Especially if you didn't make a fuss. "Why was I off, nothing much, just a brain haemorrhage".

21. KNOWING WHICH SCREWDRIVER IS WHICH - "A Phillips? For that? Are you mad, bint?"

22. TAKING A NEWSPAPER INTO THE LOO - A visual code that says that's right, I'm going in there for a huge, long man-sized poo.

 

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A woman goes to the police, to report that she was raped.

They ask her does she know the guy who did it, she replies 'It was a council worker.'

They ask her how does she know he was a council worker?

'I had to do all the work'

HAHAHA. Nice one.

Those sound a lot like me.

I'm a girl... O.O

Yeah, I really do have too much testosterone

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not sure how to do this

Heard that they have found the source of the china earthquake beleived to have been caused by a group of american tourists doing an aerobic class

 

A new map of the world has been drawn. The north pole is at the top , the south pole at the bottom , and every other fuckin pole is in Britain !

 

lady in labour shouting the usual shit , "get this out of me , give me the drugs" , she turns to her partner and says "you did this to me you evil fucker" he replys casually, "if you remember sweetheart , i wanted to stick it up your arse but you said it would be to painfull, now who's laughing

 

Ann Summers new vibrator for women is so realistic , that just before she reaches a climax , it cums, farts, goes limp, rolls over and switches it self off

 

A Liverpool fan , a Man U fan and a Jamaican on a maternity ward, the nurse tells them there has been a mix up of the babies, so the Liverpool fan picks the black baby , the jamaican says "thats clearly my baby "to which the Liverpool fan replies "look mate one of those fuckers is a manc and i'm not taking any chances "

 

Police digging at the Jersey childrens home have found Michael Jacksons other glove

 

I call my Grandad Spiderman , not because he has special powers or anything , he just finds it really difficult to get out of the bath

 

Whats the difference between the 69 position and a pakistani wedding ? In the 69 position you've only one smelly cunt to kiss

 

Where else but Wales can you get a fuck , a nice warm coat and a casserole all from the same date

 

I've just had a blood transfusion, 2 pints of a niggers blood and 2 pints of paki blood, its not all bad though, cos my cock is 6 inches longer and i'm top of the council housing list

 

Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says,
"You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."

 

Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, "You didn't leave an outline."

She says, "Smell the rim."

 

Not My Kind Of Date

A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

 

The new barman in my pub is black so i said "pint of lager please nigger" , he hit the roof and said swap places see if you like it, so i went round the bar, he walked out , then came back in again and said , "lager please , ya piece of white trash ", "sorry mate , i don't serve niggers in here", i replied

 

Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

Q: Why can't Jill Dando go drinking?
A: One shot goes straight to her head !

Q: What's the similarity between Jill Dando and George Best?
A: They both finished their careers at Fulham

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. - "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." -

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." -

"What does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a minute. - "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

- "Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent."

 

An English guy is screwing an Irish girl. The girl asks, "You haven't got aids have you?"

He replies, "No."

She responds, "Oh, thank fuck for that!! I don't want to get that again...!"