At this point in my life, I've been making effort at unlearning most of the bullshit I've learned (come to think of it, the only bullshit I really know is bullshit I picked up from others.. probably the same for them), wiping the board clean, and starting anew, hoping I will, with intelligent discipline, develop motivations/habits that are fundamentally justifiable. This turns out to be a very difficult, and probably impossible task. It's opened me up to an alien world of unrecognizable logic. The logical me is a believer of determinism. This way, we can be seen as helpless observers riding an automated tour until our vessels disintegrate and we die. We don't even have a choice about how we feel about our lives. That too, is predetermined, just like a cellular automaton. The me that lives every day believes in free will. How else can I justify thinking hard and making the right decisions? Do I enjoy making difficult decisions? Plus, it really feels like I make choices. This is where we live most of the time. The struggle between these two ways of thinking seems to have divided my world in two. Sometimes, I admit, I take advantage of it. ex. "Well.. this is the way it happened, and therefore, the only way it could have been" But it's really getting in the way of me being able to justify doing the things I do because it's such a fundamental issue. Does anyone else share this congitive dissonance? But the real question is, what does it mean to be living in mind of determinism? It's almost an unthinkable thought. Just when I think I have an answer for it, I realize I'm misunderstanding the question. I guess my answer is that it means you have surrendered yourself to everything. You've become transcendent or something. Maybe it explains the behavior of Bhuddist monks. Well, this has turned into something I didn't expect.