When your family of origin sucks

You need a threshold to cross - a demarcation of some kind, beyond which you are no longer engaged in that scene.
I did that in a dream.
For years after I left home, I had nightmares about my father. had lots of other subjects for nightmares, too. Then I (more or less accidentally) discovered that I could direct my dreams. So, one night (when I was 3000 km away) the old man was chasing me with filicidal intent, getting close, when I had the bright idea of borrowing a monster from another dream, to come the other way and giddim! while I escaped. Never had another of those dreams. 30 or so years later, I began to understand what-all had turned a bright, charming, competent man into a crazy, violent drunk and eventually made peace with the idea of him.
Nobody is born a monster. When you know what happened to them, you maybe have compassion, sympathy, pity, tolerance - whatever. It feels more positive than hurt and anger.
That's what I mean by reconciling with yourself.

So, wegs, consider lucid dreaming as a means to get from anger and resentment to acceptance and peace.

 

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I want to cry reading this, in a bittersweet way. Thanks for sharing this.

Yes, I think that it's more about me than them, now. They likely will never change, and perhaps it's me who needs to change...my outlook of them. Letting their behaviors affect my life, anymore. Truly, I don't carry the weight of all this around with me, often. But, every now and then...like this week...I let them steal my peace.

 

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It's the holidays...

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You’re right. Maybe they’ll morph into one of those sappy, sweet families seen in Christmas movies, depicted on the Hallmark channel? lol

Just for one day, I wish I had a family of origin...like that.

 

Maybe you need to think outside of the box. Make a lot of money and then you can buy their love.

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Seriously, I think many people would like to go home for a Christmas dinner/gathering like that. A few do, many don't. That's probably why those warm Christmas movies do so well.

 

Another method of coping that's been recommended is to write letters, in which you tell each person everything you need to get off your chest about them. And then burn the letter. The idea is: your bad feeling goes up in the smoke. Some cultures recommend doing this once a year - winter solstice, fall equinox, All saints, your birthday - some designated point in the cycle.
Get the resentments and grudges, slights and hurts, offenses and guilts (don't forget the atonement part!!) out of your system and start fresh.

 

The other method is to get drunk and attend all of their parties and trash the place. This is the "Crazy Uncle Harry" approach. It don't recommend it however.

 

Especially not in these days when even little girls of six find carry little pink rifles, loaded with frilly purple dumdums.

 

Trying to be positive but feeling down about all this right now. Maybe it’s okay to feel down and just let our emotions be what they are, at the moment.

My sister is on FB today posting bullshit quotes about “how this time of year is all about family.” If it weren’t so sad, it could be funny.

So.... I decided to post a reply, today. I posted “what family are you talking about?” With a “confused” emoji lol

Sorry, not sorry. I’m over her fake FB facade. She hasn’t replied yet but she will and I think it’s high time people who think we are the perfect family (outsiders think this) see that we are far from it.

 

She replied...

''I don't know what you're talking about.''

My reply:

''Our family doesn't act like a family. That's why I'm wondering what family you're referring to?"

I don't air dirty laundry on FB, ever. It's not my thing, but today...I don't care who sees this. I hope everyone sees it. She's a vapid narcissist, please with the ''family is the reason for the season'' quotes BS.

What's the worst thing that can happen? My sister stops talking to me? She doesn't ever reach out to me as it is, so ...

I will not stand by and watch her post fake stuff about our family on FB, any longer. I will reply to every single post if I have to!

I might need some wine tonight. lol

 

I think I found a helpful method today...

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we-e-e-lll ... My daughter posted some pretty awful lies about us, especially me, after we stopped playing by her rules. Up till then, it was all about how wonderful and supportive we were; then suddenly, she's poor little Cinderalla and we're wicked step-parents.
She's got PTSD, cose I made her memorize the times table and do her own school projects...
Really, though, I don't think that's anything to do with us. She wanted to make herself interesting for a sales blog; once she didn't have to face us anymore, we became cheap fodder.
Nevertheless, for me it was the key turning in a lock on a door I had previously left ajar.

That was almost ten years ago and I can't honestly say we miss them - especially the pretending!! The hours of sitting around in their perfect living room [House&Home, pg. 35-36 -- this year, I imagine it's silver grey on battleship grey now, like all of them; last time I saw it was mass-produced Santa Fe) trying to make amiable conversation without bringing up politics, principles, ideas, books, science, art, diet, climate or anything that actually matters to us, while refraining from an honest response while they chatter about anything that matters to them. An hour drags by like a decade. Then we'd eat a bland WASP meal in so many serving dishes that half of them are cold by the time they come around the table. Then we would troop dutifully down to the cavernous rec room where the Christmas tree is and look interested as the grandkids show off their mountain of garishly-coloured plastic crap and I would be required to play with them - by their screechy rules. And finally, drive two hours home, on dark, icy roads, in a blizzard.
We don't have to do that anymore. Yippee!
Honestly: What are you missing?

 

Wow, that’s terrible. My posts are true though, my family of origin is vapid and doesn’t act cohesive. I want everyone to know this if she insists on posting all of these fake quotes about “the holidays and family.”

She got into it with me on there, and my last post was asking her to stop posting lies about our family.

Some of her friends chimed in but they only believe what she tells them.

 

My sister removed the family/holidays quotes, thus all of my comments from earlier are gone. Haven’t heard from her but I’m not sorry. It felt good to stand up for my truth, even though I had to step out of my comfort zone. I’m not much of a confrontational type.

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You did what your gut told you to do and that's generally a healthy thing to do so enjoy your wine tonight.

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You don't see you daughter or your grand kids anymore?

 

And my whine ^_^

 

That's right. Not for the last ten years. The granddaughter was not particularly likeable at age 5 and most 15 year-olds are not likeable - the other one was a baby, so I don't know what he'd be like.

 

seeking affirmation
affirmation of what ?
hurt... ?
you wish her to do what ?
feel pain ?
feel pain because you feel pain and she doesn't do what you want ...

love is freedom
not control

the desire to hurt others because you feel hurt
that is very normal
however...
when it comes to emotion...
what are you willing to trade of yourself to exchange that for psychological damage ?

i think you are perpetuating your own grief by undermining her hapiness
regardless of if you think it is truthful or not
it is her emotions.

if you cant be happy for her then she is not your friend
she is your enemy
assuming it doesn't kill you to think about
maybe ponder that concept when your not on any drugs or driving at high speed etc(safely)

you dont have freedom from what you have reinforced of your need to validate your pain by making another hurt.
you have simply strengthened your co-dependence on the grief and emotional pain.

maybe that emotional grief and pain serves you in many ways
maybe you are yet to realize that truth

maybe your truth is that you have become attached to the feelings of grief and pain
thats ok
some like it hot some like it cold

 

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