When your family of origin sucks

Discussion in 'Ethics, Morality, & Justice' started by wegs, Dec 9, 2019.

  1. wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    I want her to stop pretending like she cares when she doesn’t. I think calling people out in their bs is better than enabling them by “liking” fake posts. Aren’t you the one who is always talking about not accepting narcissistic behavior from others? Do you make exceptions for family?
     
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  3. Seattle Valued Senior Member

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    Is she married with kids?
     
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  5. wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    Yea.
     
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  7. Seattle Valued Senior Member

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    We're making progress.

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    Did she stop contacting you as often after she got married and had kids?

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  8. wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    No, she’s always been this way.

    It’s sad in a way - how we all want so desperately to find valid excuses for family’s behavior but in the end, there aren’t any.
     
  9. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    you do not need to like the post
    you do not need to be friends with her on face book

    you are obeying rules that you don't agree with
    with people you don't like
    then telling them to change how they act
    that sounds like your trying to fight a battle you know you cant win
    just so you can have something miserable in your life

    unfriend her and move on

    WRONG !
    you are validating her behaviour that you complain about
    by antagonizing her in front of her friends

    walk away

    as i said before
    attachment

    you are competing for the same result
    by holding on to attachment and by holding on to the desire to have companion ship

    you seem to expect her to follow your rules even though you say she only follows her own.

    you want her to obey you and be your emotional support person ...
    doesnt work

    you want her to comply with your version of how a family should interact
    doesnt work

    ask yourself this

    are you strong enough to walk away ?
    do you have the psychological and emotional skills and coping mechanism to just be able to walk away from her ?

    doesnt sound like it

    love is freedom and giving & service
    it is not hanging on to something and sinking it because it wont let you cry in its ear when your feeling sad.

    how many different ways will you say you cant get WHAT YOU WANT from her and label her bad ?

    this is a very common aspect of atleast 50% of all relationships fyi

    "you cant just walk away from"
    what ?
    an abusive toxic relationship which has only negativity ?

    what are you feeding with it ?
    evil ?
    if thats your intention then all good
    if its not then why ?
     
    Last edited: Dec 14, 2019
  10. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    letting go is fucked up
    it kills many people and destroys many lifes
    but thats the nature of humans
    emotional psychological behavioural social ... attachment

    you must learn to let go of those things that you do not desire
    sometimes they are an emotion
    sometimes they are a person
    sometimes they are just a thought or feeling

    it sounds easy
    its easy to type
    but its probably one of the hardest things to do in life

    ethics morality and revenge ...

    how much revenge do you want in your morality ?
     
  11. wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    It’s not revenge. Lol You don’t know me at all, Rainbow. Please don’t put words in my mouth that I never posted. But, I’m past it now, though.

    I’ve thought of unfriending her, but she texted me today - first time she has reached out in forever - to “talk.” We’ll see what happens and I’m a believer in second chances, but not a second chance to hurt me.
     
  12. Seattle Valued Senior Member

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    It sounds like you are hurting yourself though. What if she doesn't completely change (not likely). Does that mean you will be hurt? You shouldn't let yourself be hurt by her not changing.

    She isn't trying to hurt you, even if she is too self-absorbed for your liking.

    I have to agree with Rainbow that you attacking her on her Facebook page probably isn't the best way to go. If someone attacked you on your Facebook page how do you think you would react? Probably not in a positive manner.

    That's cool that you two are going to talk but if your feeling is that your entire family is non-loving and that your sister has always treated you in a way that you don't like...that's not likely to change substantially after a talk.

    Good luck.

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  13. wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    Okay ^^

    And thanks.

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  14. Seattle Valued Senior Member

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    Haha...I know on the one hand that you don't want any advice and on the other hand you must want some other viewpoints or you wouldn't have posted.

    I also know (I'm this way too) that it's hard to consider advice that you don't really want to hear at the moment.

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  15. wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    I don’t want to hear things I’m not thinking like I want to hurt her etc. That’s not the case. I’m open to hearing how I can work on letting go because like I posted above, that’s likely where the issue lies. (at this point)
     
  16. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    7,447
    you dont need me to quote you
    but i will note a couple of things


    you have control over who you friend on facebook
    you have control over what you respond to on facebook
    stating your opinion AT someone is applying force
    force that you generate
    you did not offer an opinion
    you used snide language to insinuate to her friends that she is a lier. and not really a family type person

    you didnt NEED to do that
    you said you felt better after doing it

    can you comprehend that no matter if she is good or bad at being a "family person" that saying such a thing to her in such a way would hurt and/or embarrass her ?

    but the hitting someone and inflicting pain felt good yes ?
    it does to a majority of people
    that doesnt mean it makes your life any better
    in fact you have simply attached yourself emotionally more deeply to the hurt and pain that you discribe

    hows that working if you feel about it for a moment ?

    that there is where all the money is
    "i am open to getting free money if people want to throw it at me"
    different people value different things

    take the self help wellness industry
    pyramid system
    they seek to find new mind technology to have people give them for free so they can then sell it to people at their seminars where people pay thousands of dollars to the top of the pyramid while the person whos new technology ideas are given to them for free.
    more the case mostly that person giving the new technology ideas is actually paying many thousands of dollars and being told they are buying into a system of wealth

    while i have and do freely give away small change to people i simply am not financial rich enough to afford to give away money to the rich in exchange for nothing

    as i was dying in a hospital emergency room one day listening to someone elses conversation
    "it is what it is"

    p.s
    if you were a friend(a real one not a pretend fake work colleague or person attempting to create a position of power over me) i would freely give up my time to psychoanalyze you for free, custom suited to you so you could take what you needed and move forward, be it in snack box lunch sizes, hampers or stuff to put in the freezer and get out further down the track.

    lol
    but im not quite so stupid to give away something so valuable for free.
    if only we lived in a sci-fi world where we all had universal wages and free accommodation and free food.
     
    Last edited: Dec 15, 2019
  17. wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    I wouldn’t say what I did on FB felt “good,” but it felt empowering. It’s out of my character to “be” that way, definitely out of my comfort zone. So my intent wasn’t to hurt her but to feel ...a sense of taking back power that she had over me?

    But I know it doesn’t really work that way.
     
  18. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    power does that
    it empowers
    empowers good or bad
     
  19. wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    Lol
    I’ll be fine.

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  20. RainbowSingularity Valued Senior Member

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    keeping in mind i have made more mistakes than i could possibly count and lost hundreds OF thousands of dollars because of those poor/wrong/bad choices/decisions/misunderstandings & ignorance.

    friends, partners, family members, large sums of cash
    the knowledge i have learnt, i have earnt

    lol

    dont feel lonely, your boat is quite crowded im waiving hi from one of the corners

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    Last edited: Dec 15, 2019
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  21. wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    Aw, I like this. We can take turns rowing ((hug))
     
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  22. Jeeves Valued Senior Member

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    It costs nothing to talk long-distance. You receive an email, do not respond instantly off the top of your head. Read it, think about it, reflect on it for a while. Remember what this woman was like as a five-year-old, as a middle-schooler, as a teenager. Think about the circumstances in which she grew up and formed her present attitudes. Nobody knows - I mean nobody in the whole world - knows as much about her, and what made her, as you do. Nobody else shared her experience. Nobody can understand her as well as you do.
    Making allowance for that, express your own feeling about one particular issue. Just one! It's a start, and emotional overload kills a potential reconciliation faster than anything. I suppose your most urgent current point of conflict is her dishonesty regarding family and holidays.
    Okay, so why does she feel she has to lie about this? Why does she hide behind a cliche? Maybe you could ask that - not as an accusation, but as a question - as if you really wanted to know. (Cos, you really need to know.) Then back off; give her time to work out an answer. If she comes up with an automatic, superficial one, ask again. Keep asking until she either responds frankly or shuts down the conversation.
    Maybe nothing good can of it. But then again.... who knows?
     
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  23. wegs Matter and Pixie Dust Valued Senior Member

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    Look at you, Jeeves...being all empathetic.

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    I like this side of you. lol I appreciate what you're saying, and will see where it leads. I'm not sure really what I even want, I've given up the idea of being a Hallmark family, not that such things exist, but you know what I mean. I've let go of the idea that we'll be a close family, like some others I know...but, I don't have to let it darken my holiday season, just the same.

    I ran across this gif and it seems fitting...

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