Sarge From time to time. And explains that she wasn't really awake. She's the catalyst, but thematically the question of why we bother with some questions has bugged me for a while. Well, what was intended to be eight weeks out of the workforce in order to calm down and not want to hurt people turned into an extended run after I was informed of my daughter's conception. You know, definitions and priorities change. She's been here almost two years and my partner has only become more severe, less stable, and less coherent. In the meantime, the State of Washington has drastically changed the terms of my playing field. Which reminds me ... I have to go download a driver's manual so I don't embarrass myself after all this by failing a driving test. Arditezza Thank you kindly for your sympathy. I must admit that the only place it really stings is what she's done to my creative process.° However, I won't confess any regrets on my deathbed, except perhaps that I didn't learn certain things quickly enough. Life is. I got myself into this, and now I have to figure out how to get two people out. I have time; she's not going to shoot me or anything, else she would have to stay home instead of going out and pretending she's not coked up. And yes, I'm in an odd mood to bring that up. But neither is she going to leave any marks or scars on me. She actually thinks the people around her don't know. She actually thinks she's secure in her worldview because she's a mother, she goes to work, and her daddy was a prison guard. Yeah, I have no idea what that last has to do with anything, except she knows I'm not leaving without the child and I know she won't permit that. In the meantime, I'm not going to traumatize my daughter on this count; I'd rather my contribution to her human discomfort be more subtle, a longer process. After all, I'm the one who will have the greatest influence over the shaping of her conscience. What to do is never quite clear, but it's fairly obvious what not to do. _____________________ ° what she's done to my creative process - I am considering the unlicensed reproduction of an associate's written work on praxis. What I write here at Sciforums becomes my praxis insofar as it's what I'm allowed by circumstance to do. It's my form of mental jazzercise on that level. I can't keep on a train of thought for days on end like I could when I was sixteen and ignoring my schoolwork. I'd love to blame it on women in general, because I remember the first blow against my writing process was a girlfriend who, years ago, got upset at me for being so incomprehensible all the time. But my partner; she's ... it's hard to explain, but nobody can tell if the difference is a hatred of art or a need to be the center of all things at all times inasmuch as that need transcends what we're used to seeing in egocentrists; it's beyond normal and into the realm of the neurotic, possibly even psychotic and sociopathic--one cannot connect the practical demands of a cotton-candy college binge with women in general, nor can one connect either to my partner's behavior. I have a short outline that consists of 43 abstract and seemingly nonsensical chapter titles (e.g. "Spiders & Rows", "Seven Brides for Seven Nights", or "Laydown Sunshine") cut into five sections that represent the culmination of two years' consideration of a story. Of useful story notes, perhaps ten pages. Stories drafted in nine years? Two, representing just under thirteen pages of text. In the meantime, I reads, I thinks, and I types at Sciforums. And in there somewhere, I do some parenting and try to learn how to keep house. (I'm 32; I legitimately wonder if I'm ever going to figure it out.)
Its because she's on drugs tiassa. Drugs make some people cunty. She might be cunty anyway, but no it definately sounds like a drug related depression. I don't know how you could force her to stop, I guess you'll just have to live with it. But I'm suprised by your apparent confusion over her behaviour. I don't know her or you but I'd bet money that if she stopped taking drugs she'd change and be more pleasant. Well, she'd probably be alot less pleasant for a week or 2, but after that. I feel so old telling people to get off drugs. But i was an angry unhappy drug addict and then I just stopped and over time the world was just flooded with colour again, and just existing was enough to spark the endorphins in my brain and make me feel great. Its a pretty basic concept- drugs become your favourite thing, then the only thing you like, then eventually they just become something you need and you're left not legitimately enjoying anything about life. Some people aren't like this, they can just take drugs on the side of a normal life. But this female of yours is exhibiting classic symptoms of being the former.
I would not call her a mother, or even a caregiver at a stretch. Don't give her that much credit, she certainly doesn't deserve it. Coked up or not, there is no excuse. You think they don't leave scars, but they do. And in their incoherant rage, oft times it ends up being a great deal more serious than you want to imagine. I only say that out of experience, and not from some therapist chair. When we aren't appreciated, or admired... or work does suffer. I too, write a great deal of short stories but wrote nothing while I was in a similar situation. I don't think it has to do with women, but with being forced to take a lesser role when you know that you could be so much more. As intelligent as you are, I have no doubt your stories would be a good read. Creative blocks are frustrating as hell. The longer it lasts, the harder you think it will be to recover from it and start doubting your talent to begin with. I have no advice for it, just to not give up trying or believing in yourself. For what it's worth. People do care, so if I ask you "How are you, Tiassa?" it means I really want to know.
Arditezza Here's how out of it I am ... I'm actually 31. I don't turn 32 for another seven months. Not too long ago I was depressed because I was 35 and hadn't done anything with my life. I used to like timelessness. Now it's just confusing. Dr. Lou You'd be amazed at how little input one gets in my corner of the world when interventionism becomes the subject of discussion. This corner of my generation is staunchly conditioned against it; some of our social morality developed during a localized 1980s teetotaler response to alcoholism. Of course, the only problem is that I'm the last person she's going to listen to. It's completely f@cked up, and a little bird just now--quite literally, a phone call that interrupted this post--whispered in my ear the one thing my partner would never want me to know. Now, of course, I have to investigate and confirm, and once that's done, well, I get to go orbital. Of course, another call about fifteen minutes ago set another clock; my daughter's maternal grandparents will be moving to town sometime before Christmas, it seems. Oh, hey ... maybe I can hold out and just throw my partner at her parents. "Here. She's yours. You deal with her." Me? Orbital? Ri-ight. The firmament will crack if her conduct lands in their hands. Why does that idea seem so deviously pleasing?
Depression sucks. I am 32, and you aren't missing anything really. Doctor thought I was clinically depressed about a year ago, so he put me on some anti-depressants and they made me all chipper and happy like... til they gave me hives and my throat started to close up. Went right off them, and felt way worse than I had before taking them. I actually sat in my car one day thinking about ways to make it look like an accident. Turns out that you aren't supposed to just stop cold on those meds, or you nosedive. I lost days, and all my short term memory for a few weeks. Lets not even talk about the trembling. Turns out, that I was just stressed out to begin with. I support my family of four, and I work very hard. My husband stays home with our children, and I work. I got diagnosed with a heart problem that is not exactly fixable and I stressed myself out totally worrying about what would happen to them. When I should have just had someone to talk to, my trigger happy doctor pumped me full of pills instead. Won't do that again, that's for sure. Point is that stress does awful things to your psyche. My husband also has to be home with the kids, and occasionally gets such bad cabin fever that I have to drive him off into the woods and leave him by himself for a day to get him back to himself. Usually, just talking to him and helping out with things does the trick, but he has bad days. Housewives just used to drink themselves silly (like my mom) or drown themselves in their childrens lives to live through them. Men are different, more logical and reasonable so they tend not to be escapists, but it also doesn't allow them to be free, which can get frustrating fast. Just like my husband, you need your time and you need to be heard and appreciated. That's not wrong, that's natural and deserved.
