Christmas 1996
Registered Senior Member
Dougal: I'm not good at judging the size of crowds, but I'd say there's about 17 Million of them out there.
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Dougal And Ted are writing a song for Europe::
Dougal: How about this, Ted: "My lovely horse, I love you so much, I want to stoke my hand through your tail all night."
Ted: No, No, Dougal, we must keep away from the idea that we're in love with the horse. It's more that we're friends with the horse.
Oh! Ok then Ted... Oh, how about this then: "Take this lump of sugar baby, you know that you want it"
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Dougal: OK, LET'S DO IT. LET'S WRITE THE BEST SONG THAT'S EVER BEEN WRITTEN.
Ted: Calm down Dougal, it's only a bit of fun, It's not meant to be taken seriously.
Several hours later there's beer cans all over the floor, and the rooms full of cigarette smoke:
Ted: PLAY THE FUCKING NOTE, DOUGAL.
Dougal: What? The last note, Ted?
Ted: NO!!! I PLAYED THE LAST NOTE. PLAY THE FUCKING NOTE YOUR MEANT TO FUCKING PLAY.
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(Dougal and Ted are both preists)
Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
.
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Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?
Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were travelling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!
Ted: Good man!
Dougal: Ah, no, wait a minute....now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God, I'm an awful eejit!
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Father Jack is being detained in prison, and Ted has the chance to bail him out:
Policeman: It's a straight choice, father. Either pay the 200 pound fine, or it's a night in the cells.
Ted: Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on them, and under the circumstances, I think a night in the cell might be a better option
Policeman: (Nods his head)
Dougal: Ted....
Ted: Shut up Dougal
Dougal: No Ted....
Ted: I told you to shut up Dougal
Dougal: I was just going to say that....
Ted: Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money). Here's your blood money. But let me tell you this! There used to be a time when the police of this country were friends of the church! Drink driving charges quashed, parking tickets ripped up, even the blind eye turned to the odd murder! But now! (Turns to Dougal) And you: "Ted, Ted why don't you give him the 200 pounds you won on the bet!!!!" Well i did! Are you happy? Once again, you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of many people. Thank you so much.
Dougal: Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, i forgot you had the money. I was just going to say that your that your fly is open.
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There's a raffle, and it's been fixed so Dougal wins. Ted is on the stage about to reveal the winner:
Ted: Before I start, I would just like to say that it's not entirely unusual for the organizers to win the raffle. In fact, there was one not so long ago where the organizers won. So lets not be suprised if the same happens here.
Ted: And the winner of the raffle is... Number 11...
(nobody comes foward)
Ted: Number ELEVEN!!!!!!!!
(still nobody comes foward)
Ted: What's that you say Dougal, you've got the winning raffle ticket?
(Dougal shakes his head to say no)
Ted: Come up and collect your prize Dougal... COME ON DOUGAL!!!
(Dougal all confused goes up to the stage anyway)
Dougal: Sorry Ted, I was looking at the ticket upside down. (ticket was number 11)
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Ted: So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal: Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted: Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.
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Dougal has a Christmas advent calander, and Ted asks Father Jack what he think's is behind tomorrow's window:
Ted: And what do you think is behind tomorrows window Father Jack?
Jack: A pair of Feckin womens Knickers!
Ted: Yes.
Jack: Knickers.
Ted: I think I'll just stop talking to Father Jack now.
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You'd better get going, because milk gets sour. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that. Because it's shite.
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Dougal: Ted, will you look at this table. It's so dirty I could write me name in it.
Ted: (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'.
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Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do.
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Dougal opens the last window on his advent calander (Christmas day):
Dougal: Aah! Brilliant. A load of people in a stable! It's the one thing I didn't expect.
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Dougal: C'mere Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted. God, I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy!
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Jack: (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted: That's a spoon, Father
-------
Dougal And Ted are writing a song for Europe::
Dougal: How about this, Ted: "My lovely horse, I love you so much, I want to stoke my hand through your tail all night."
Ted: No, No, Dougal, we must keep away from the idea that we're in love with the horse. It's more that we're friends with the horse.
Oh! Ok then Ted... Oh, how about this then: "Take this lump of sugar baby, you know that you want it"
-----
Dougal: OK, LET'S DO IT. LET'S WRITE THE BEST SONG THAT'S EVER BEEN WRITTEN.
Ted: Calm down Dougal, it's only a bit of fun, It's not meant to be taken seriously.
Several hours later there's beer cans all over the floor, and the rooms full of cigarette smoke:
Ted: PLAY THE FUCKING NOTE, DOUGAL.
Dougal: What? The last note, Ted?
Ted: NO!!! I PLAYED THE LAST NOTE. PLAY THE FUCKING NOTE YOUR MEANT TO FUCKING PLAY.
-------
(Dougal and Ted are both preists)
Dougal: God, I've heard about those cults Ted. People dressing up in black and saying our Lord's going to come back and save us all.
Ted: No, Dougal, that's us. That's Catholicism.
.
-------
Ted: Did you bring the travel scrabble Dougal?
Dougal: I brought the normal scrabble and the travel scrabble, Ted. The travel scrabble for when we were travelling, and the normal scrabble for when we arrived!
Ted: Good man!
Dougal: Ah, no, wait a minute....now that I think of it I didn't bring either of them! God, I'm an awful eejit!
--------
Father Jack is being detained in prison, and Ted has the chance to bail him out:
Policeman: It's a straight choice, father. Either pay the 200 pound fine, or it's a night in the cells.
Ted: Well, priests don't usually carry that sort of money on them, and under the circumstances, I think a night in the cell might be a better option
Policeman: (Nods his head)
Dougal: Ted....
Ted: Shut up Dougal
Dougal: No Ted....
Ted: I told you to shut up Dougal
Dougal: I was just going to say that....
Ted: Alright! Alright! Here! (pulls out the money). Here's your blood money. But let me tell you this! There used to be a time when the police of this country were friends of the church! Drink driving charges quashed, parking tickets ripped up, even the blind eye turned to the odd murder! But now! (Turns to Dougal) And you: "Ted, Ted why don't you give him the 200 pounds you won on the bet!!!!" Well i did! Are you happy? Once again, you've made me look like a complete idiot in front of many people. Thank you so much.
Dougal: Ehh, Right. To be honest Ted, i forgot you had the money. I was just going to say that your that your fly is open.
---------
There's a raffle, and it's been fixed so Dougal wins. Ted is on the stage about to reveal the winner:
Ted: Before I start, I would just like to say that it's not entirely unusual for the organizers to win the raffle. In fact, there was one not so long ago where the organizers won. So lets not be suprised if the same happens here.
Ted: And the winner of the raffle is... Number 11...
(nobody comes foward)
Ted: Number ELEVEN!!!!!!!!
(still nobody comes foward)
Ted: What's that you say Dougal, you've got the winning raffle ticket?
(Dougal shakes his head to say no)
Ted: Come up and collect your prize Dougal... COME ON DOUGAL!!!
(Dougal all confused goes up to the stage anyway)
Dougal: Sorry Ted, I was looking at the ticket upside down. (ticket was number 11)
------------
Ted: So you took Father Jack out for a walk... and you lost him. Again.
Dougal: Well, Ted, like I said the last time: it won't happen again. Sure now, what's the worst that could happen to him anyway?
Ted: Well Dougal, he could have an accident and be killed.
Dougal: ...Oh right, yes.
-------------
Dougal has a Christmas advent calander, and Ted asks Father Jack what he think's is behind tomorrow's window:
Ted: And what do you think is behind tomorrows window Father Jack?
Jack: A pair of Feckin womens Knickers!
Ted: Yes.
Jack: Knickers.
Ted: I think I'll just stop talking to Father Jack now.
-----------
You'd better get going, because milk gets sour. Unless it's UHT milk, but there's no demand for that. Because it's shite.
----------
Dougal: Ted, will you look at this table. It's so dirty I could write me name in it.
Ted: (peering at table) There's a G in 'Dougal'.
----------
Ted: I'm not a fascist. I'm a priest. Fascists dress up in black and tell people what to do.
--------------
Dougal opens the last window on his advent calander (Christmas day):
Dougal: Aah! Brilliant. A load of people in a stable! It's the one thing I didn't expect.
---------
Dougal: C'mere Ted, Ted, Teddy, Ted. God, I love being a priest. We're all going to heaven lads, wheeeyyyyyy!
------------
Jack: (after sobering up) YOU! YOU! YOU! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?
Ted: That's a spoon, Father
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